A/N: A little one-shot about Shane and the goings-on in her head.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the L Word…I'm just playing with the characters for a bit.
There was this thing in her head; a shadow or a thick fog that lay coiled and ready to release itself on her at any moment. There were warnings, of course. A tension would sit in her gut or a panicked scream would slowly slide up her throat when things got to…real. There were a few triggers too, like the word 'commitment'. It was all very nerve wracking.
This shadow—this fog—kept her moving, shifting from one one-night-stand to another. There were the relationships too. The ones that lasted the longest were the most painful to run away from, but she always ran; without fail, she always ran. And every time this happened, every girl she hurt (because they always ended up damaged by her) cut out a piece of her faintly beating heart. The muscle that kept her living must have been riddled with holes and gauges by now, and this was her own personal exile because she knew that they each deserved to take a piece of her with them. That knowledge also came with knowing that they could do what they liked with it: dwell on it; throw it away; hurt it and punish it. And she knew she deserved it all.
Sex did not fill the holes, but she lied to herself and said it helped.
It took her mind off the crimes she was guilty of.
It took her mind off of their faces.
Well, sometimes anyway.
A part of her felt differently, but no less painfully. This part of her thought she deserved to not be dwelled on or thought of at all, which was worse than the thought of those women hating her. Because it would hurt her more to think she meant nothing to them, that the love had been given by only her (and she had truly loved those who had suffered the most), and that she was no more than a faint memory to them. Surely they deserved to see her as such; as sex.
There was Carmen, whom she had been so cruel to; cruel beyond thought. A beautiful bride left to be humiliated by her absence at the wedding she, Shane, had asked for. It was by far the worst thing she had ever done.
Worse than leaving Molly.
Worse than betraying Jenny.
All these things were meant to be self destructive because she could think of no other way of punishing herself for the things she had done. But they always ended up leaving casualties in their wake.
She constantly felt the scrutiny of her friends, though—for the most part—they hid it well enough. They disproved of her actions, but seemed compelled to keep watching as if she were a train wreck in motion. And wasn't she?
Alice understood the best, perhaps. Not out of experience maybe, but out of curiosity and just because she was…Alice. She seemed content to believe Shane's actions were just something that came with the whole package.
But still that shadow, that genetic flaw that she blamed largely on her father, lingered ready to strike. No matter how many women she slept with; no matter how many women she came to truly love; she would send ever one of them away, a piece of her cold heart tucked away in each pocket for them to do with what they wanted.
FIN