An undying love for eternity.
Sunday 4th September 2011.
2:30pm: I'm writing in this Journal that Burt and Carole gave me for Christmas last year because I'm sick. I've been off school for the past three weeks. I went to the doctor a week ago and now I'm waiting at home for the results from the tests they took. Home is with Kurt now, ever since my parents got sick of me being with him. I'm worried. I want to curl up because I know this isn't just sick like a cold, this is sick, sick. I've never felt like this before. I'm so weak; I spend all day in bed. Kurt comes in all the time to talk to me but I usually fall asleep on him. Its 2.40pm right now so he's still at school. I miss him when he's not here. Anyway I'm going to sleep now so I can talk to Kurt when he gets back.
I heard a faint tapping at the door followed by them saying my name. I opened my eyes, blinking a few times. I must've fallen asleep without putting my journal away because it was lying on my chest. I put it under the pillow and welcomed the person in.
"Come in," I managed to get out, hopefully loud enough for him to hear. Kurt popped his head around the door.
"Hey Blaine. How are you feeling?" He crawled onto my bed and sat with his legs crossed beside me.
"Alright. A bit tired."
"Oh, I can leave if you want." He said pointing to the door.
"No, I miss you all day. I want to spend time with you." I weakly argued.
"Shhh, alright I'll stay, don't worry." He crawled up against me.
"How was your day?" I asked.
"Oh you know, just the usual except in maths the teacher had a nut at Luke, you know the one who sits at the back?" I nodded and asked why. "He was texting in class and then he kept talking back to her. She asked him to put his phone away and he was like Miss I don't have a phone with me, I was just playing under the desk, and she was like, either give me the phone or save it for home time, and Luke was like Miss, I don't have a phone and I'm not playing with myself, who do you think you are miss, my mum? And then she sent him to the principal. It was so funny." I smiled but it was cut short and I let out a massive yawn. "Ok Blaine sleep." He ordered rolling his eyes.
"But-," I tried arguing. It failed. Kurt pushed me into the pillows and lay down beside me nuzzling in the crook of my neck; he gave me little kisses before kissing my lips gently and telling me to sleep. I knew he was trying to get me to sleep, I also knew I would, but I still wanted to stay with him.
"Stay with me?"
"Until you fall asleep, I have a lot of homework ok?" I nodded and closed my eyes.
I was woken by the phone from down stairs; my eyes fluttered open as I glanced around the room, my eyes found the clock, 5:25pm, ignoring the ringing I rolled over and shut my eyes again.
"Blaine love," Carole tapped my shoulder. I jumped because I hadn't heard her come in. "Sorry sweet. I just want to let you know the results have come back. We need to go into the hospital." Tears pricked my eyes, so I was sick, sick. I could tell by her voice, what had my doctor said over the phone?
"Can I just have a minute?" She nodded and headed back down stairs. I took out my journal from under the pillow.
5.30pm: The test results came back. I'm going in now to get them. I'm so scared. More scared than I ever was when I went to a public school at the start of high school and I got bullied every day.
I looked in the journal, a couple of tear drops stained the page. I carefully slide it back under the pillow. Burt and Kurt walked into my room and helped me get out of bed. Kurt supported my waist also holding my hand, while Burt held me up as we walked down the stairs. Carole already had the car out front so I didn't have to walk much further. In the car Carole covered me in blankets and Kurt snuggled up against me. It was an hour drive to the hospital but this time I didn't fall asleep. Kurt's parents had put the radio on and he was singing every song that came on. I laughed at him when he got the words wrong and he gently punched me back in return.
We waited in the small white room for Dr. Bowron to come.
"Whatever it is Blaine, we'll always support you." Burt squeezed my hand I shot a friendly thank you smile in his direction. Then my eyes followed my doctor as he came in and sat behind his desk. He didn't smile, he just said 'Hello Blaine. How do we feel today?' To which I responded 'Alright thanks'. Kurt took hold of my hand; and Carole put her arm over my shoulder as the Doctor explained the test results.
"The results show you have cancer Blaine. I'm sorry. We don't know how far along it is so we will have to do some more tests." His voice kinda fuzzed out, I wasn't paying attention, and I'd frozen before actually absorbing what he said. As I realised what fate had done to me I gasped as I broke away from the people supporting me. Falling to the floor I gasped for my breath, tears rolled off my cheeks. I heard gasps and sighs of despair behind me and before I knew it Kurt's small arms cradled me.
"It's alright Blaine. Hey calm down. Shhh, Shhh, hey, I love you. We'll get through this." He rocked me back and forth, kissing my cheek to calm me down. I heard Dr. Bowron say something about starting chemotherapy immediately. My mind jumped to all the stuff I knew about Cancer, which wasn't a lot, I'd lose my hair, I'll be so weak, I'm going to put Kurt and his family through all the pain I'll go through. There was so much going on in my head, it made me more and more unstable.
6th November 2011.
It's been three weeks since my second round of chemo. Almost all my hair is gone. The nurse let me know before my first chemo that I had around 2 – 3 years left, if I'm lucky. It's not really that long when I think about it. That also means I'll have to leave Kurt. Maybe I should ask him to marry me. I would but I don't want him to devote himself to me after I'm gone. I do try not to think of the time I have left or what it'll be like after I'm gone. I try to think of the positives, if not for me then for Kurt, Finn, Carole, and Burt. My parents still don't know about my condition because we can't find them. They left after they kicked me out. Anyway, I'm going back to school tomorrow, only for half the day though because I still get tired quickly but I feel a lot better. I get to go back to Glee Club practice which is so exciting. I've been practicing a solo for Glee Club and Mr. Shue is the only one who knows about it. All the glee kids know about me and the cancer. Every single one of them has been to see me bearing flowers, chocolate, soft teddies and music CDs they'd made. They all came over at one point to do a performance for me. Can you imagine that? It was so funny. I love them, they're my family. But I love Kurt the most and whatever I do I can't help but think what it will do to him when I die. I love him because of everything he does for me, everything he means to me, and what he's taught me. I have to go to sleep now, Carole's yelling at me. Good night.
"Alright Mr. lights out now or you'll be too tired for school." She said walking into my room. I slid the journal back under the pillow.
"Alright, night, night."
"Blaine!" Brittany ran down the corridor towards me, Santana and Puck followed her. I prepared for the impact of her running into me but it didn't come, she skidded before wrapping her arms around me like if she touched me I would break. Santana joined the hug, squeezing a little harder.
"I've missed you so much you little goofball." She kissed my cheek then let go. Santana and I became best friends since I transferred. I had a moment to breathe before Puck squeezed me.
"Good to have you back dude." He took my beanie off and waved it above my arm reach. I felt eyes on my head but I didn't care. I was with my friends and that gave me all the power I need to just have fun with my friends. After a few seconds I gave up. I knew he was only playing but I didn't have that kind of energy.
"Hey no fair! It's cold out here." I complained with a hint of laughter.
"Noah Pukerman, give my boyfriend his hat back or I will get you." It was Kurt, and Puck gave it back straight away. The smaller boy stood in a somewhat intimidating stance. He turned around to face me, putting my beanie back on.
"Hello Beautiful," he said smiling. I knew that smile; he was looking into my eyes knowing it wouldn't be for much longer. Sometimes I wondered if he stayed with because of pity. He took my face and pressed his lips against mine.
"Get a room," Puck laughed. I opened an eye to see Santana punch him in the arm. "See you in practice." I waved to my friends. I had one period before practice and that was English with Kurt. He walked me hand in hand into the English class.
"Hello Blaine, nice to have you back. If you need anything just ask." The teacher greeted me. I smiled back.
"Thankyou Mrs' Neil." Kurt sat me in the far corner. Before I noticed it the bell was ringing and I suddenly became very nervous. I never got nervous when I sung; maybe it was just the song I chose.
"Okay guys shush." Mr Shue said over top of our voices. Everyone was talking to me, making me laugh. I forgot what it was like to be here. I also realised how much I'd missed it. "It's so nice to have you back with us Blaine and I understand you have a song to share with us? Would you like to perform today?"
"Uh huh," I said, standing up glancing at the shocked faces of my pairs. "Um well, when I've been home alone and I've felt well enough to do anything I was practicing a song, and I want to share it with you." I saw Kurt give me that look, 'I'm sorry' his eyes screamed at me.
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh," I sung so quietly my eyes held tightly shut.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colours, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby," Tears formed in the base of my eye as I peaked at Kurt but then shut my eyes quickly again.
"The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song," I sung louder opening my eyes looking at my friends. They looked back at me with watery eyes and sorry expressions.
"The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand,
There's a boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time," I look at Kurt when I sung that verse. His face was distraught. I swallowed and continued the song, quiet now almost a whisper, I was getting tired.
"So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song," I walked over to the piano where I sat down. My energy was running out, fast. Finn and Kurt sensed that feeling. They'd gotten to know my energy levels quite well throughout the past 4 months.
"Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears; keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls," My friend and boyfriend finished for me. I sat at the piano sobbing while my pairs wiped away they're tears. I couldn't even sing a whole song any more. Nobody clapped, apart from the sniffing it was silent then sobs ripped from my chest.
"It… that… You're not going to die young." The smaller boy whispered in my ear taking hold of my hand.
"I am though Kurt. You know that. We can't deny what's happening to me."
"I don't want to believe it Blaine." He cried into my neck. "I don't want you to die. You're the best thing that's happened to me and now you're gunna be taken away from me." We'd forgotten about everyone in the room, this was an us moment. We didn't even notice Mr Shue usher all the kids out of the room.
"I don't want to leave either. I know you don't have feelings when you die, but I will always love you. I'll never forget you, ever." I sniffed. I wanted to ask him, but I don't want to pressure him. I'll wait, not to late because if he says yes I still want to walk down the aisle, not having to be pushed. That's when I heard him say something. At this point he was sitting on the ground beside the stool for the piano. He was looking at me, red eyes, and pale cheeks.
"So Blaine? I'm not pressuring you because I know you're weak and got a lot on your mind and-," He mumbled but I still didn't know what he was on about.
"Wait, what'd you say?" I said looking at him, slightly puzzled.
"I don't want to pressure you-," He started.
"No, before that?"
"Oh um, don't worry." Did he just chicken out? I thought I'd just answer his question anyway, whatever it was. I mean it can't be that bad, can it?
"Yes." I said. I watched the emotion run over his face.
"Yes to what Blaine."
"You're question."
"You don't know what my question was though. You weren't listening to me."
"Come on Kurt tell me."
"Later, maybe," He said as the Glee Club members started filing back into the room.
"Thankyou for performing that for us Blaine."
"It was beautiful," Rachel walked over to us and squeezed me gently.
"You rock dude, that was super brave," Puck grinned.
Date:
I turn 19 today. It's been 1 year and 7 months since I was diagnosed with cancer. 1 year 6 months since my first chemo and since then I've had over 6 cycles of it. I was getting better and the doctors said they were hopeful, but now I've got worse again, even I've lost hope. My doctor said I don't have that long left now, about 2 – 3 months. I'm really scared what it'll be like to die, I don't want it to hurt. I decided I want to die at home, I want to say my last words to my family, and my last sight to be Kurt, the last thing I touch be his lips. They've stopped my treatments now because it's no longer helping. I'm on 5 different meds though, painkillers, and anti-depressants. We didn't do a lot for my birthday; I had to stay in bed except for when my friends came over for an hour or so. Burt and Finn had re-arranged the lounge. The couch was against the wall, balloons and 'Happy Birthday' banners decorated the room, all red, and gold, Kurt had obviously spent a lot of time on the presentation. There was a large open space in the middle with space for my guests. I had been moved into the spare room down stairs a few months ago so I could be easily moved. Kurt and Carole helped me out onto the couch where they covered me in blankets. Guests started arriving soon after and my short party started.
Kurt greeted everyone bringing them into the lounge. It was a strictly no present occasion because I didn't know what would be done with them.
"Mercedes!" I heard Kurt squeal, I watched as they came into sight. "Thankyou for coming," Kurt hugged her. She made her way over to me and kissed my cheek. In her hand she held a small gold wrapped box.
"Happy birthday little guy." She handed over the box.
"What's this? I said no presents." I tried giving it back.
"Open it." I looked around, Kurt was greeting Rachel and Lauren. I gently tore the paper off.
"A locket?" I looked at it, slightly puzzled. She took it from my hands. With her finger nail she popped it open. There was a picture of Kurt, Finn and I on Christmas wearing Santa hats.
"Thankyou so much 'Cedes. I love it." She unhooked the latch and put it around my neck. After about 15 minutes everyone was there except for one.
"Where's Finn?" Kurt said looking around, he appeared almost panicky. And as if on cue he burst through the door panting.
"Sorry I'm late. The shop lost my details and-," He explained.
"Doesn't matter. Where'd you put it?"
"It's in my pocket."
"You can do the honours." I looked at Finn raising an eyebrow.
"I said no present's guys. I don't need them, they just be in the way later on." I argued.
"Well this one can go with you." Finn handed the little box to me. Thankfully it was unwrapped because after unwrapping Mercedes gift I had very tired fingers. It was a bit of struggle to open the box but I eventually got it. A silver bracelet was resting on the blue velvet cushion. A small pendent hung off it, a little bird.
"It's Pav." I heard Kurt say. Tears pricked my eyes as I tried putting it on.
"Hang on," Tina handed me another small box, inside a microphone charm was securely held by a white ribbon.
"That's from us girls," Quinn smiled. Her pink hair spiked up, no matter how hard she tried to be the 'bad girl' she'd never quite get it. She was too kind. I smiled at her, quietly thanking them.
"Except for me and Britt. We got you a separate one. We couldn't find one that was what we wanted so we got you a custom made one." Santana handed it over. It was a gold couple, both boys holding hands.
"It's you and Kurt." Brittany pointed out.
"Thankyou so much guys. It means so much." I held the bracelet in my palm, studying each little charm.
"Hey, we have one too," Mike handed me a little football. "Because we know you love football."
"And I love scarves," Kurt added in, making everyone laugh including myself. He was so cute.
"Thankyou." I said in Mike's direction. Before I knew it, we were in a massive group hug. Kurt was lying half on my chest and everyone else just kinda bent over. I loved knowing that I went from being hated so much for being gay to being loved by all these people who were here for me all the time.
"Wait a sec. Everybody, get off me," Kurt said pushing away the people. I raised my eyebrow. Kurt crawled off me and onto the floor, as he got into 'that' position I felt my cheeks turn pink, something they haven't done since my first day back at school after my diagnosis.
"Blaine, I know it's kinda a crazy idea, but I will never stop loving you. You mean more than the world to me and taught me how to love and care for everything you have because at any point it can all just turn around. I will never leave your side. Marry me Blaine?" Kurt's speech earned 'awws' from all the girls and most of the guys. I heard puck say 'Get in there Kurt'. I waited a moment while I started at him in disbelief. A few tears rolled of my cheek but I smiled, taking him in my arms.
"Yes Kurt, of course." He smiled at me as everyone cheered. "On one condition," They all went silent. "When I die, hold on to me, but don't devote you life to me. You'll find someone better than me out there and I don't want to hold you back from going for it."
"No one will be better than you Blaine." I held a finger to his lips.
"Agreed?" He nodded, and that was all I needed. I grinned at him at he pressed his face into mine, tracing my lip with his tongue. He pulled away aware we were not alone, yet.
"I love you."
"Forever," he said. "Alright guys, places. We need to make this last present from us the best." His kissed my cheek as he joined everyone getting up and walking over to stand in two lines. In front was Kurt, Santana, Puck, Sam, Mercedes, and in the back row was Quinn, Finn, Mike, Tina, Rachel, Brittany, and Lauren. I hadn't noticed Burt and Carole coming into the room. Carole sat beside me her hand on my knee; Burt started the music then came over to sit beside me on the arm of the couch.
"And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it," Santana and Puck sung. They swayed to the music.
"But I believe in whatever you do
and I'll do anything to see it through," The whole group sung.
"Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win," Kurt sung, coming away from the group taking my hand.
"We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh," He looked in my eyes. I knew it'd be hard for him to keep to my condition by the way he looked at me. I smiled back, silently thanking him for everything.
"So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now from things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared," Sam and Mercedes held hands in the centre of the line.
"You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this," Finn and Quinn sung, their voices moulded together so well.
"'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win," Rachel sung, tear forming in her eyes. She wiped her face as she finished, giving me a smile of courage.
"We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh," My pairs sung, they all held hands and rocked left to right.
"Tonight we standed on our knees
to fight for what we worked for all these years
and the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?" Brittany sung, she was rather quiet and she kept breaking off, but that was because she was crying.
"It was the night things changed, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up, 'cause we never gave in," Everybody sung, going into finish the song. Kurt stepped forward again but this time only a step.
"We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!
Hallelujah!" He sung with a strong voice, fighting past the tears. I hadn't noticed until everyone finished that I was crying myself. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday. I wiped the tears off my cheeks and looked up at my friends.
"We love you Blaine," They all shouted, making me grin from ear to ear.
"I love you guys too."
I was in bed later that night but I could sleep. I heard the phone ring, Burt answered.
"Uh he's in bed." I heard his muffled voice. "Yeah just a sec." My bedroom door opened. "Do you want to speak with Wes?" He asked me, I nodded. My Dalton brothers could visit today because they had exams. Burt handed the phone over.
"Hey Wes." I grinned to myself.
"Blaine buddy, Happy Birthday, from all of us," I heard everyone in the background singing happy birthday to me.
"Thanks guys."
"So what did you get?"
"Ah, Mercedes gave me a locket with a picture inside, all the glee kids gave me a charm bracelet with Pav, two guys holding hands, a microphone and a soccer ball," And trying to keep a casual tone, " And a ring, from Kurt. He asked me to marry him." In the background I heard cheering and squeals of joy.
"Congrats bud, when's the big day?"
"I don't know, soon."
"And I'm taking we're invited?"
"Of course you are." I yawned thinking I'd better sleep. "Listen I need to sleep, but please ring me tomorrow. Kurt has to go back to school and I'll be lonely all day."
"Of course Blaine. Everyone say bye," He told them. "GOODBYE BLAINE," they all shouted.
"Bye Blaine. We love you." The phone beeped, placing it on my bedside table I crawled into the covers. I didn't hear Kurt come into the room, but I felt him as he crawled up against my back. I rolled over to snuggle into his chest. He kissed my forehead and we both fell asleep.
Date:
Im getting married today to the most beautiful boy in the world. You wouldn't believe how great I feel, it's hard to believe I only have about 2 months left. The doctors gave me all these medications after I told them I was getting married and my wish was to be able to walk down the aisle, and now I can do it, which was always my dream after I found out about the cancer. Burt helped me change into my suit which matched Kurt's. It's black with a blue almost grey vest and an aqua blue button up shirt. Kurt's wearing a black bowtie and I'm wearing a black tie. Kurt told me he doesn't want a big wedding; I know he's lying because ever since I met him he kept talking about how he loved big weddings. Burt walked me down the aisle because after many tries we still failed as to finding my parents whereabouts. Finn walked Kurt down before me and stood by the priest. He started to sing. Santana Brittany and Carole were our flower girls and they followed me throwing yellow rose petals on the ground.
"Seen a thousand movie kisses
Been the groomsman all my life
I want to be the leading man sometime
It's not that I am uncommitted
I work hard to get it right
But not enough, it seems
To win this fight
Still I go on and on
Believing in myself
Cause I am strong so strong
But it's always someone else," He winked to me. Sam, Puck, Mike, and Artie twirled down the aisle to the altar.
"When is it my turn to be the man
Up on the altar
When is it my turn to have to hold
And say that "I do"
Is there some reason
I have got to live this life harder
All that I want is to share my love
With the one that I choose," Kurt and they boys sung. Eyes were redirected at the girls, Quinn, Rachel, Tina, and Lauren, who danced gracefully towards the front. Burt and I started walking down the aisle to met Kurt at the front.
"Is there someone who will listen
Is there someone who will try
To make sense of all these hurtful lies
I don't want to be forgiven
I just want my piece of the pie
So brother can you look me in the eye
And say I'm wrong so wrong
Believing in my love
When it's so strong so strong
Don't say it's not enough," I reached the alter and Kurt took my hands. Burt whispered in my ear, 'Good luck bud. I love you forever.'
So give me a sign
that something's gonna change
I've been marching for miles
to win this race," Kurt finished kissing my cheek gently.
"I love you Blaine."
"I love you too Kurt." I hugged him weakly.
"Truly beloved, we gather here today to join these men in holy matrimony. We will now sing a hymn." The priest said his voice warm and loving.
We sung a hymn that I chosen, it was so amazing tears prick my eyes. Then it was time for vows. I felt very nervous. I usually sung infront of people not speak, so I had to mentally pump myself up for it.
"Blaine, I promise to care for you until the day I die. After you've gone, I will care you, everything you own. You have changed my life love and I don't know where I'd be if I'd never spied on you and our boys at Dalton that day. You've brought strength and meaning into my life. You taught me about courage, and that will help me get through. We have had the best memories. I love you Blaine Anderson, you've made me the happiest person on this earth. I love you, always and I will love you forever."
I smiled to him. Glancing at my piece of paper before looking up at him.
"Since you've come along my life has never been better. You are always my safe place; I always knew when dad and I argued I could come to you. I just wanted to thank Burt, Carole, and Finn for being the only family I've truly had. Kurt you are the most beautiful person on this earth, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I will love you forever and always, without a doubt. I'll miss you when I'm gone but I'll watch over you. I won't let anybody hurt you again. I'll be the last." He shook his head at me, whispering so only I could hear.
"You won't hurt me Blaine. You never could." I looked away, I knew Kurt to well to know that me dying would hurt him.
"Do you Kurt Elizabeth Hummel take Blaine Anderson to be you lawfully wedded husband?"
"Of course I do!" He practically shouted, squeezing my hand.
"And do you Blaine-," I cut him off.
"Hell yes. I would never say no. I couldn't say no." Our family and friends chuckled. We exchanged rings; I had a bit of trouble getting mine onto Kurt's finger because my hands were so shaky.
"I now pronounce you legal husbands. You may kiss each other." I embraced Kurt's forceful kiss while the guests cheered.
We had the reception at a small restaurant about 15 minutes away from the church. By the time it finished it was around 6.30pm. The wedding had been going since 2pm so I had reason to be tired. Kurt took me home and helped me into bed. We lay awake together for an hour or so talking properly as husbands for the first time since the wedding.
"You look tired, you should sleep." I point out touching the darken skin under his eyes.
"Have you seen yourself?" He joked.
"Hey, I'm always tired; I've just trained myself to stay awake."
"You should do that. It's bad for you." He smiled; I rolled my eyes at him. "Come on, I'll help you into your pjs." He helped me up and got my wedding suit off. I sat on the edge of the bed in a singlet and my underwear while he got my sleepwear.
"Here, put your legs in there." I pulled them up. He left me to button up my shirt while he went to get changed.
"Wait here, I'll be back in no more than 5 ok?" I nodded, waving as he left. I reached over to my cabinet to take my meds, after I'd done so Kurt was back. I smiled impressively at how quick he'd changed. He pulled the blankets over me and out a pillow under my head. After turning out the lights he crawled in beside me, resting his head in the crook of my neck kissing it gently.
"I love you so, so much." He wrapped an arm over my stomach. I turned my head to kiss his lips, tear rolled down my cheek so silently.
"I love you too Kurt, more than ever."
"Sweet dreams beautiful boy," Kurt whispered and I fell asleep nuzzling into his neck.
Kurt's POV
"Blaine!" I shouted, shaking the fragile body beside me. I gasped for air, I knew this day would come, but not yet, he still had 2 months. Dad burst into the room.
"Kurt?"
"He's gone, Dad. He's died!"
"Oh son." Shear horror wiped over his face as he sprinted over to me and grabbed my shaking body almost protectively, tears in his eyes leaked over top. I glanced at him and he was looking at Blaine, lying peacefully under the covers. I heard Carole burst out in shrieks of despair in the hallway.
"Um Dad, do you w..want me to r..ring the am..ambulance?" Finn stuttered holding back tears. Burt nodded. He took Blaine's cold hand and rubbed circles with his thumb.
I stumbled off the bed and ran to the bathroom, a hand over my mouth and a hand on my stomach. Over the toilet I gagged violently. Someone touched my shoulder but I didn't turn to see who. After 5 minutes I heard the sirens outside, I rushed back to Blaine, holding his hand the whole time they moved him. I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital, humming a song, although I didn't really concentrate on which song it was.
Blaine's POV
Heaven is peaceful. I wish Kurt could be here with me, not that I want him to die. He'd love it. It's perfect and there's always music playing. I miss him. But I can see him, I watch him all day. He just lays in bed ignoring everything. I try shouting out to him but I know he can't hear me.
Kurt's POV
I look like shit, but I couldn't care less. I haven't been to work; I spend all day in Blaine's bed. The first night it smelt a lot like him, his shampoo, and his after shave. The smells gone now. I feel so empty without him. Dad keeps coming in to check on me, I just pretend I'm asleep. My eyes are red and crusty and they hurt like hell. I think now I've exhausted the tears. My body just can't cope with the crying, I'm so tired.
"Kurt, oh good you're awake." Carole came in. "How are you love? Do you want me to help you up?"
"Not now," I mumbled, sinking back into the pillows and rolling my body. I let out a sigh as I closed my eyes.
"Ok darling. You sleep, but you need to eat this evening alright?"
"Mmm hmm." I shut out the world and listened to the silence. My world was silent. Music would play anymore because Blaine couldn't sing with me.
"Alright Son. Wake up!" Dad gently shook me, not caring how carefully he used his voice. I kept my eyes sealed shut. "Kurt Hummel. I know you're faking it," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "Look at me baby." I opened my eyes hesitantly, accidently giving him the death stare.
"What?"
"Carole said you'd eat this evening." The first thing that struck me was I'd sleep the whole day, again. The second thing was I never remembered saying I'd eat.
"I'm not hungry Dad. I want to sleep." I tried to break free of his grip. "Let go."
"Kurt, I know how much it hurts, remember? It's not going to get better this way. Blaine loved you, he's still watching you, and I bet you acting like this will make him upset. Come on, do this for him, show him you learnt what he taught you." He held a hand out. I looked up at the roof, looking at Blaine, then took Dad's hand. My eyes suddenly found enough water to form tears again. Dad griped my waist tightly helping me out of bed. He wrapped the blanket over my shoulders.
"I miss him Dad, so mu-," I was cut off buy a sob ripping from my chest.
"I know kid."
I barely touched my food, even though it was one of my favourites. I played with it, pushing it over the plate with my fork.
"Can I please leave now?" I asked Carole quietly. She nodded mouthing 'Thankyou' at me. I decided it was time for a shower so I made my way up the stairs into my room. It looked so unfamiliar. There were pictures of Blaine and I on the walls, on the mirror, in frames. Since Blaine moved in it was hard to keep my room tidy and organised, but since he'd gotten sick and moved out of my room I didn't really have time to tidy up, even over two years, I spent all my time with him. And once he got sicker the clutter just built up. Maybe I'll clean up after my shower, I thought, trying to take my mind off things.
I shuddered as the hot water ran over my head and down my back. I stood under the running water for about half an hour, rinsing out the conditioner before turning the water off. I wrapped the warm fluffy towel around myself, settling on my bed as I moisturised my body for the first time in what seemed like forever. My skin had gotten so dry. I swore to myself no matter what, I must moisturise, I owe myself that much. As I got into my tracksuit pants I noticed how my weight I'd lost, shrugging it off I pulled on a singlet and a fitted cardigan. I'd eat more tomorrow. After dad had said how I would make Blaine sad by lying around, I thought I'd better do something to make him smile.
I started with the bathroom, picking up clothes, folding and hanging them back into their homes. Then picking up empty shampoo and moisturiser bottles, I put them into a rubbish bag. I wandered down the stairs to get some cleaning supplies and ended up grabbing a two pieces of double gooey chocolate cake and a few chunks of apple.
"Hey Kurt," Finn said, squinting his eyes at the light like he'd just been asleep. Puzzled I asked him what the time was.
"10pm."
"Were you asleep?"
"Yeah. Works been real busy." It was silent for a minute, for some reason people found it hard to talk to me, I never seemed to be in convocation anymore.
"Hungry?" He asked making me look up from the cupboard. I nodded.
"What are you looking for?"
"Muesli bars?" I replied. Finn walked over and took out a box of bars from the cupboard beside me. Taking them I said goodnight to Finn and left him in shock. I had just gone from sleeping all day to going on a food hunt. I didn't blame him for staring at me in disbelief. I set my food out on my bed taking a bar out of the box. Throwing the wrapper into my rubbish bag and munching on the bar I picked up some stray clothes that somehow made their way onto the floor. By the time I finished wiping down the bathroom I had forgotten all my pain, it was nice but I felt like I was forgetting Blaine. I went back into my room and took down all my picture of Blaine and me.
"Don't worry love; I'm putting them back up. I just need to tidy." I said to him. It gave me little butterflies inside talking to him, hoping he'd hear me. So I tried more. "How are you Blaine? Does the cancer hurt you anymore?" I winced mentioning the cancer. It worked though, this time I imagined him answering me.
"Hey Kurt. I'm fine, you'd love to be here, it's perfect. The cancer doesn't hurt, and my hair is growing back like 10 times as fast as it does on earth." I chuckled as I made up Blaine's response.
"Kurt?" I spun around to look at Dad.
"Yeah?"
"Are you… ok?" He chose his words carefully.
"I'm fine Dad. My shower helped and thanks for reminding me about courage. I love you."
"It's alright son." He smiled. "So what'cha up to?"
"Tidying and talking to Blaine. It gives me little butterflies." I smiled.
"I glad you're feeling happy again."
"Not happy," I pointed out, "Just better." He nodded understanding my situation, snd he left me to my work.
After my room was spotless I glanced at the clock on my bedside cabinet. 2am it read. I grabbed the pile of photos I'd taken off my wall. I arranged them in a tidy grid blue taking each one on. They covered a decent amount of wall. It started with the ones of when we first met at the top, our prom photos in the middle because they were the biggest, followed by all the others, Blaine's birthday, the beach. I left some space beside them for our wedding photos once they were printed. I'd finally finished tidying my room and hanging up photos. I smiled to myself proud that I'd got motivated to do something.
"There you go Blaine. This is how it should look." I said to him. I knew if here were here he'd laugh at me then come up behind me grab my waist and kiss my neck.
"I liked it better before," He'd tease. Shudders ran down my spine as I remembered the feeling of his lips on my skin.
I decided it was time to sleep so I pulled back the covers, set the alarm clock for 8 and crawled into bed. I'd put a big teddy, that Blaine gave me for my birthday one year, in bed with me so I didn't feel so alone.
"Night Blaine, I love you." I snuggled into the bear's stomach and drifted off, tonight with dry eyes.
I mumbled words of hate as the alarm went off, but I didn't mope around, I got up, pulled on some clean clothes, and headed down stairs. I put some bread in the toaster, jumping when it popped up. I wolfed it down, not realising how hungry I actually was. Walking into Blaine's sick sanctuary I took in how messy it was. It also smelt so I opened a window, the fresh autumn morning air drifted through the room. It felt so nice in my chest to inhale. Armed with cleaning supplies I started tidying his room. In the process of making his bed I found the journal Dad and Carole gave him for Christmas a few years back. It was bulging out the sides; little pieces of paper grabbed my curiosity. I'd better not, I thought. Going to put it back but I caved in.
"Just a little peek Blaine, I'm sorry. Forgive me?" I asked. In my head he would, so I opened the book.
4th September 2011. I read the journal entry. He talked about missing me while I was at school. I smiled touching his writing. I skipped forward a few pages.
'24th September 2011.
Today I had my first chemo treatment. It didn't hurt and the needles were fine for me… for Kurt on the other hand… He's so cute when he's disgusted.' I chuckled remembering that day. I continued reading for over an hour. I took out a small piece of pink paper and unfolded it.
'Dear Kurt,
I know once I'm gone, you or someone will find this.
I love you Kurt. I hope that we get married by the time I'm gone, but if we're not, I love you to the sun and back a million times. I think you are so beautiful and talented so when I die, please, please, don't stop achieving the tings you're great at. Thankyou for everything, for being there every day. If you weren't my boyfriend – oh how I love calling you that – I'd be begging Burt to adopt me so we could be brothers. Kurt you are the most incredible man to ever exist. When I'm not here for you anymore, don't fed your life to the dogs. Keep living, because I know you have a life worth living, and any man to get you will be the luckiest guy on earth. Thanks for not dying with me love. There are a few letters in here for Burt, Carole, Finn, Santana, and a couple of others.
I also have a few last minute requests.
-On my funeral please play, Long Live, by Taylor Swift when you carry me out because it represents everything we stand for.
-In my Journal there is a page headed 'Funeral Message', please get someone, or yourself to read it out.
- And lastly, I would like to be buried; I can't stand the thought of being burnt.
Thankyou Kurt sweetie. Remember, I always love you and I'll always look after you, for all of eternity. I'll see you later and I can show you around my house. You and your husband can come visit.'
I started at the piece of paper, it slightly shook in my hands, and suddenly I clasped it against my chest. I didn't cry, although my eyes watered. I smiled and closing my eyes, I told my husband that I loved him too. A tear rolled off my chin. I put the letter back inside the journal and headed out into the dining room.
"Hey Kurt. What's that you got there?" Carole asked me.
"Blaine's Journal. Here," I said handing her the letter with her name scribbled on the front. I went over to the dinner table and gave Dad and Finn there's. I took a seat at the table, I could smell the flowers our friends had dropped by, and bacon and eggs coming from the kitchen. I started scrawling on the pad infront of me.
"What'cha doing bud?"
"Planning Blaine's funeral. Someone has to do it, and it has to be done soon. How about Thursday? That gives me a day." I said picking up the phone ringing the first church on the list. Burt raised an eyebrow. I was liked a cheetah with too much adrenaline.
Burt drove us behind the hurse that carried Blaine. I had arranged all the flowers in the leading car, including his name written in yellow roses and blue and red wreath because of his Warbler Obsession. We arrived at the church a bell rung like it does at wedding but I requested it for Blaine's funeral.
I walked up infront of our family and friends to share Blaine's speech he wanted me to read.
"This is something Blaine wanted me to share with you." I took a breath. "Hey everyone, thanks for turning up today. To anyone who is crying, I understand loss, but cheer up. I want you to know I'll feel better when I'm in the sky. Thanks to everyone who accepted me, made me family. I love you all. I will look down on each and every one of you, I'll do my best job in protecting you, and I don't want anyone to give up hope." I smiled when I finished reading. I was proud of myself for making it through that without crying.
The funeral finished after I said some more words, Burt and Carole shared a few words. We all sung a hymn, and then all the Glee Club kids and Warblers who were there preformed a number. It was called 'With This Tear", by Celine Deion. I had invited them up and as we took our places the music started playing.
"With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant,
You spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone," I sung, allowing tears to fall, but I still sung strong.
"With this voice
I thee call
Sometimes I catch myself
Calling your name
When you're not there at all," My pairs backed me up.
"Please tell me what I did wrong
Why must I hear your voice inside my head
All day and all night long
It's not fair," I sung solo, touching my husband's coffin. Smiling through the tears.
"With these arms
I held you
When you told me you were dying
I had less courage it's true
And you wrote every day
Writing 'bout the things
That we could do
When your pain went away
But all that went away was you,
With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant
With this tear
I thee want
I thee want
I thee want
I thee want," We all sung in unison. I heard sobs from behind me, and I saw tears on the face of many people in the seats below us. I smiled as my pairs let me finish the song. I sung it quietly.
"With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant you spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone
With this tear." As the music died out the church became silent.
"Kurt, Finn, Burt, Wes, David, and Puck," Carole invited us up to carry out Blaine's casket out. "Blaine chose to have 'Long Live', by Taylor Swift, as his farewell song because it represents everything Kurt and Blaine stand for, courage, determination, and love. The music began to play as myself and the five other friends and family of Blaine lifted his coffin.
"I said remember this moment
In the back of my mind
The time we stood with our shaking hands
The crowds in stands went wild
We were the kings and the queens
And they read off our names
The night you danced like you knew our lives
Would never be the same
You held your head like a hero
On a history book page
It was the end of a decade
But the start of an age
Long live the walls we crashed through
While the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered
I said, remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines
Wishing for right now
We are the kings and the queens
You traded your baseball cap for a crown
When they gave us our trophies
And we held them up for our town
And the cynics were outraged
Screaming, this is absurd
'Cause for a moment a band of thieves
In ripped-up jeans got to rule the world
Long live the walls we crashed through
While the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered
Hold on to spinning around
Confetti falls to the ground
May these memories break or fall
And you take a moment
Promise me this
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children someday
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine
Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
And I was screaming, long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid
Singing, long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
And long, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered." The music played while we walked out to the music.
'Blaine may be gone,' I thought as the car that carried my husband drove away, 'But he will always be my hero. I love you Blaine.'
Blaine's closest friends and family stood looking into Blaine's final resting place. We had chosen a slot a couple over from my mum. I hoped she's look after him, I knew she would. As Blaine was put into the ground I got on my knees, smiling to him.
"Sweet dreams most beautiful boy. Rest in peace." I blew him a kiss. I decide to live at that moment, for Blaine, the boy who I will always love more than anyone.