New story! This will remain a one-shot until I finish my sequel and the one-shot my sequel to "For the Sake of the World"! This chapter, we join Link in finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. HAVOC WILL ENSUE! I don't own Zelda or any of the products or commercials that appear in this fiction!

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Tootsie Pops, or Shounen Jump. Really. You can search me. If you knew my address. Which you don't. So HAH! …no, really. I don't own Zelda. Not for the life of me. If I owned Zelda, I would be making Zelda games out of my ideas, not writing fanfictions. Duh.

The Legend of Advertisement!

Chapter 1: How Many Licks to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

Link was sitting in his little elevated stump… thing, when he heard a knock on his door.

Excuse me. He heard a knock on his curtains. Wait, I'll get this…

He heard a knock from outside! So he drew back his curtains and there stood… a brunette chick who calls herself Ed! She was wearing one of Link's masks from Termina. Which mask? Well… it was the Bremen Mask. And she was marching.

"HALLO!" the girl shrieked, throwing aside the instrument. Link stared at her skeptically. "I am the Authoress! You can call me Ed! Or… you can call me God!"

Link continued to stare as the Authoress danced like a Sim.

"MY NAME'S NOT REALLY ED!" she shrieked. Link took a few steps back. "Yah, you're blinded by my magnificence, aren't you?" she asked, tossing her hair. "I took lessons from Darunia! Looks like they paid off!"

"Where did you get that mask?" the child asked. The Authoress looked at him with her head cocked to the side. "Find Kaepora Gaebora and meet me in Hyrule Field in one hour!" she said, bouncing. She raised her instrument to her lips and marched away. Link stared after the demented brunette nervously.

One hour later…

"Hoo hoo ho! Why did Ed say she wanted to meet us in the Field, Link?" Kaepora Gaebora hooted. Link shrugged. There was a puff of smoke and Ed ran into the middle of it from behind a nearby tree. "See? I AM God!" she said, striking a pose. Link and Kaepora Gaebora sweatdropped.

"Do you know why I called you here today?" Ed asked, her hands on her hips. The hero and the owl shook there heads. The Authoress threw down a Deku Nut and another puff of smoke appeared. Ruto ran into the center of it from behind a different nearby tree.

"Ta da!" she exclaimed. The Authoress cleared her throat. "Kaepora Gaebora is Mr. Owl. Link is the little boy with the Tootsie Pop. Ruto is Mr. Turtle. Here are your scripts," she explained as she handed everyone an index card.

"How did she talk you into being Mr. Turtle?" Link asked Ruto when Ed had turned her back. A mischievous smile spread on Ruto's fishy lips. "She said that I get to take you home when we finish this!" she grinned. Link backed up and cowered behind Kaepora Gaebora.

Ed returned with a directing chair and sat down. "Go, go! Go go GO!" she said, thrusting her arms into the air.

Link was desperate. He had to find a way out of this and quick! It was a short scene, after all. He picked up his prop, a plastic Tootsie Pop, and walked up to Ruto. "Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" he read haltingly from his index card.

Ruto struck a sexy pose. "I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl!"

Link walked over to Kaepora Gaebora. "Mr. Owl… how many slashes does it take to kill a Zoran princess?" he asked. "STOP!" the Authoress yelled. "That's not right! Do it over! From the top!" She sat back down in her chair. "Go, go! Go go GO!"

"Mr. Turtle. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

"I never made it without biting, love bunny! Ask Mr. Owl."

"Mr. Owl… How many blood-curdling screams does it take to escape the grasp of an obsessed Zoran princess?"

Ed jumped out of her chair. "No, no, no! From the top! Go, go! Go go GO!" she ordered.

Link sighed. "Mr. Turtle… how does it feel to know you'll never make it to the center of a Tootsie Pop without biting?"

"Dammit, Link! You're screwing the whole thing up! Forget it! I'm switching you out for Mido!" the Authoress shouted angrily. She ran into the Kokiri Forest and came back with Mido and Saria. "Ruto, you're cut! Saria's green; she'll make a better Mr. Turtle than you! Same rules apply: when it's over, Mido will go off with Saria and Kaepora Gaebora will be an annoying lonely owl. Go, go! Go go GO!"

Mido walked up to Saria with a plastic Tootsie Pop in hand. "My dear Mr. Turtle, have your dainty lips ever found the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" he asked suavely. Saria giggled. "I never made it without biting. Go ask Mr. Owl," she smiled. Mido walked over to Kaepora Gaebora.

Gasp! Link thought. I can't let Mido go off with Saria! He's short! Well, I'm short too but… Eh, screw it! All I know is I'm a good guy and the good guy always gets the girl!

"Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Pop?" Mido asked. Kaepora Gaebora took the plastic candy from the Kokiri child and said, "Hm, let's find out." He licked the plastic, withholding his vomit. "One, two-hoo…"

"Three hundred and twenty-six!" Link interrupted. The Authoress gasped, dropping her Shounen Jump magazine. "He's right…" she breathed, he eyes wide with shock. Link folded his arms with a self-satisfied smile.

"Okay!" Ed called, jumping up from her chair. "Since Link guessed the magic number, the commercial is off! Go home, everyone!" A puff of smoke erupted around her and she scampered off behind a tree. She poked her head out. "Just pretend I'm not here!" the Authoress waved, then hid again.

Mido shrugged and went off to be the first Hylian Shakespeare. Saria modeled clothes for big-name companies. Link made Kokiri Forest's first hinged doors. Kaepora Gaebora… was still a lazy good-for-nothing owl that points out the obvious. Ruto had genetic surgery done so she could be a turtle. The Authoress decided to continue writing real stories.

And they all lived happily ever after. At least until Ed the Authoress wrote the next chapter.

Sucky? Yes, I know. But I've had this idea FOREVER and finally chose to write it. There's more coming eventually. For now reviews for this story will be answered in my running stories. Right now, August 25, 2005, the reviews for this will be answered in "Face Your Demons" and will continue to be answered there until that story ends. We've got a while until it ends. Happy reviewing!