DISCLAIMER
All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)
----------
Press and Prejudice
(set during Yes Minister)
(Jim Hacker's office; Jim is sitting behind his desk, looking at papers and sighing. Sir Humphrey enters through the door on the far side of the room (door 1). Jim looks relieved.)
Jim:
"Ah, Humphrey."
Humphrey:
"Minister."
(Humphrey hurries past Jim's desk and leaves through the door closest to the desk (door 2). Jim looks puzzled, then he sighs and starts looking worriedly at the papers again. Bernard enters the office through door 1. Jim looks relieved.)
Jim:
"Ah, good morning, Bernard."
Bernard:
"Oh, erm, good morning, Minister."
(Bernard leaves through door 2. Jim looks even more puzzled. Irritated, he starts going through the papers again. Then door 2 bursts open and Bernard and Humphrey hurry past the desk again. Jim looks up.)
Jim:
"Humphrey! Bernard!"
H & B:
"Minister."
(Humphrey and Bernard leave through door 1, but before they can close the door behind them, Jim calles them back.)
Jim:
"Wait, wait, wait! Come back in here!"
(Bernard sticks his head through the door opening.)
Bernard:
"Yes, Minister?"
Jim:
"In here, Bernard! And you too, Humphrey! I'd like a word with you."
(Humphrey and Bernard come into the office and Bernard closes the door behind them. Then they stand in front of Jim's desk.)
Humphrey:
"Yes, Minister, what is it now?"
Jim:
"Humphrey, I would like you to fill me in on certain, erm, aspects of these reports here."
Humphrey:
"Very well, Minister. And which aspects did you have in mind?"
Jim:
"Well, erm, to be completely frank with you, Humphrey…all, erm, aspects?"
Humphrey:
"Really, Minister! Do you expect me to have time for this sort of thing now?"
Jim:
"You're supposed to help me with this sort of thing, Humphrey!"
Humphrey:
"I am fully aware of that, Minister, but we're in the middle of a civil service crisis here! One of our colleagues has gone blabbing to the press about how we, erm…summarized the figures on the amount of toxic waste from certain factories…"
Bernard:
"Excuse me, Sir Humphrey, but 'summarize' isn't really the right word here. You see, 'to summarize' means…"
Humphrey:
"I know what it means, thank you, Bernard!"
Jim:
"Yes, for heaven's sake, Bernard, will you stick to the point for once? But that's terrible, Humphrey! One of my civil servants gone blabbing to the press? It's, it's a civil service crisis, that's what it is!"
Humphrey:
"That's what I just said, Minister."
Jim:
"Well, yes, quite. But it is, isn't it?"
Humphrey:
"Yes, Minister."
Jim:
"Whatever can we do about it? I mean, not just the fact that this got through to the press, but that one of my civil servants has gone…bad! I'm simply…"
Bernard:
"…appalled, Minister?"
Jim:
"Oh, good God, Bernard, don't start that all over again."
Bernard:
"Sorry, Minister."
Humphrey:
"Excuse me, Minister, but to the question of what we can do about it, I can only answer that he who is responsible for, or indeed superior to, the person in question who ought to be reprimanded, is the one who should, in fact, from my point of view, be the one who ought to take responsibility for the reprimanding of the person in question that ought to take place."
Jim:
"Bernard?"
Bernard:
"Minister?"
Jim:
"He's talking nonsense again."
(Bernard looks from Jim to Humphrey. Humphrey rolls his eyes.)
Bernard:
"Erm, excuse me, Minister?"
Jim:
"What does he mean?"
Bernard:
"Oh, erm, he means you should reprimand the civil servant that leaked to the press."
Humphrey:
"I should think I had made that quite obvious."
Jim:
"Me?"
Humphrey:
"But of course, Minister. We're your civil servants. You're our master, so it is your duty to reprimand us when we've done wrong."
(Bernard suppresses a fit of laughter)
Jim:
"Are you alright, Bernard?"
Bernard:
"Oh, erm, yes, Minister."
Jim:
"Good. But Humphrey, how should I go about this? Tell him he's been a very naughty boy and he shouldn't do it again?"
Humphrey:
"Of course not, Minister."
Jim:
"Then what? Sack him?"
Humphrey:
"Really, Minister!"
Jim:
"Well, what then? The press knows we've been fiddling with the figures! How on earth are we going to put it right again? You come up with a suggestion, come on!"
Humphrey:
"Well…"
(Humphrey remains silent.)
Bernard:
"May I suggest something, Minister?"
Humphrey:
"You, Bernard? Surely you won't be…"
Jim:
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Humphrey! You didn't happen to have any suggestions, did you?"
Humphrey:
"Well, no, Minister, but…"
Jim:
"Then why shouldn't Bernard have a go at it?"
Humphrey:
"Well, I'm his superior, Minister. Surely, if I can't come up with anything, he certainly won't."
Jim:
"Nonsense, Humphrey! You're just afraid Bernard will come up with something brilliant."
Humphrey:
"Oh, out of the question, Minister."
Jim:
"Good. Yes, Bernard, you may."
Bernard:
"Erm, oh, yes, thank you, Minister. Well, I thought we might, erm, well, basically, make him leak to the press that, erm, well, that there was nothing wrong with the toxic waste figures in the first place."
Humphrey:
"Oh, come on, Bernard. If everything were as simple as that…"
Jim:
"No, no, no, Humphrey. Bernard!"
Bernard:
"Yes, Minister?"
Jim:
"It's brilliant!"
Bernard:
"Oh, erm, thank you, Minister."
Jim:
"Yes, Humphrey, don't you see? That's it! If he can leak to the press what we've done wrong, he can also leak what we've done right! It's worth a try, at least!"
Humphrey:
"Well…I…I'm not, I…"
Jim:
"Any better suggestions, Humphrey?"
Humphrey:
"But…"
Jim:
"Good. Bernard, get me an appointment with our leak this afternoon, will you?"
Bernard:
"Yes, Minister."
----------
...to be continued.