AN: I feel really sh**ty, my humor is down, I tried to continue the other stories but I know I would ruin it with my sadness so I wrote a new one instead. I'm already done with the fic, but I'm gonna cut it into segments for chapters and update it weekly or not. I don't know, but you will.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Haruka and Michi and BSSM, Naoko Takeuchi does.
Twelve long years, it took me twelve long years to realize what I've done. What I took advantage of, what I let go of and who I lost. In pride and arrogance there is always no route to winning anything. Here I am, without it and without any self- esteem, still pretending that everything is fine. Blind-sided. Back in Tokyo- to marry a wonderful man. I blink, tears- they're so foreign to me now. Why should I cry?
Flashback
She lost her career to an accident. It took her cars, fame, money and job away from her. But it also took our little girl's life away from us. Little Hotaru who would not have been so little anymore. She died in that accident, and in my grief, I centered all my anger on poor Haruka.
"Michi… Michi… wait, please don't leave! Don't do this! I need you!" Haruka said, as she stumbles and falls to the ground together with her cane.
"You'll learn how to walk Haruka." I said, stern. Taking our engagement ring off of my fingers, throwing it but not to purposely hit her face. Tears began streaming on her pale skin, her hair, although a little bit longer escaped those tears. Haruka pushed herself off the ground picked up the ring and walked ever so slowly and surely towards Michiru,
"That's not what I meant. Everything will be alright as long as we're together right?" She said in between tears. Smiling as she does so- but there was something about her smile that it painful to watch. Her brows furrowed as she tried to maintain that SMILE and sob at the same time. She slowly reached for my hand but before she could put the ring back onto my finger, I snapped her hand away from mine.
"Because of you she died! Hotaru died! Because of your selfish thrill seeking!" I never meant to blame her, but she was the driver. How else can I explain what happened to myself? I needed to get away from her.
"Don't you think I wish It was me, instead of her? Everyday! I just want her to be in my place, I want her to be alive. If I could tell God to do a miraculous exchange I would! Michi… please… I love you." Again, her tears were over-flowing, why couldn't I just have embraced her? I wish… I did.
"I don't and I wish that too. But this is life and no one can grant my wish." I closed my suit case, ready to leave all of this pain behind, Haruka caught up with me, I don't know how, specially with her condition, but she did. She embraced me from behind, I tried to wiggle out of her grip, but she kept it firm.
"I love you. I'm sorry, but I promise, I'll try to be a better fiancé, I'll be the best person for you, please… don't do this. I understand, you're angry and I deserve it, I don't care what you do to me, just STAY. Stay, Michi, for us, stay." How I wish I did. But that day- I was not myself. I was stupid. I was heartless. I twisted my body so that I was face to face with her. She looked so… tragically beautiful. Without hesitation, I pushed her. It was so easy to push her, she fell. Without a word, I left- hoping I would leave the pain behind. I could hear her call out for my name, her desperate attempt to run towards me, her resignation and her cry.
I made it to my cab, stuffing it with my belongings. I left. I escaped. I only escaped the place. The scene of the crime, so to speak. But the pain never left me.
End Flashback
Now, I stand here in this bridge. The bridge that meant everything and anything to the three of us. Meeting place, celebrations, reconciliation's and so much more. I look at the river beneath it, same thing goes by. Canoes, people smiling and laughing and laughing while enjoying the scene. I tuck my hair back into place and behind my ear. The wind passes me by.
"Michiru?" That voice… I Immediately turned around to see a pleasantly surprised Haruka, She had longer hair, about medium length, her eyes are still as equally piercing, handsome as ever and still tragically beautiful. She wore a black trench coat, a plain white tee and form-fitting jeans. She still carried that cane, maybe she never did recover from her injury. Her eyes welled up, I couldn't help but feel as emotional. Here we are- in the place where we first met each other. She scurried towards me and gave me a hug- that spelled everything for me. I knew what the notion meant. I felt at home.
"I… I waited for you everyday. I'm here everyday 4 o'clock right before sundown, hoping for this day and here you are! Here you are!" She pushed my shoulders to take a better look at me, as if checking to see if this is fantasy or reality. I remained motionless. She still kept that SMILE, she carefully got something from her pocket, it was our ring. She took my hand and was about to put it back but then she noticed- a ring was already there. I couldn't say anything. What do I say? What do I say? What do I say?! She took a step back from me, shaking her head. It was again, that same pain-filled expression on her face, the one from six years ago. She stood there, waiting for an explanation. Not a single tear- but sorrow seeped through those green eyes. This pain she has, was too deep for tears. Again, what do I say?
"I'm getting married in four days."
She SMILED that smile again. She turned around. Her back facing me. That was when my breath left me, and this pain I feel… felt more than a thousand heartaches.
"Congratulations." Was the last thing she said before she walked away. I simply watched her disappear from my sight. Is this how she felt when I left her? Again, I feel tears and now I know why they're falling.
--
I went back to my hotel room aimlessly. Everything about me- I loathe. I went to the comfort room. I knew my what my purpose was. I would look at the face Haruka loves the most and try to understand why she loves a monster. A neglectful, pompous monster. I switched on the light. I look at my odd hair, I love your hair, she would say to me almost everyday. Specially when I told her I wanted to dye it brown. I look at my eyes, same blue pools that she LOVES. My nose and how she would playfully pinch it. My lips, and how she would lovingly kiss it. I close my eyes. I hated Haruka for Hotaru's death...
FLASHBACK
The phone rang. It was barely half past nine. I took it with the usual chirp in my voice.
"Hello?"
"Is this Michiru Kaioh? This is Officer Kizuma. Tenoh-san and your daughter have been involved in an accident." I dropped the phone.
Before I knew I was scrambling my way to the hospital. To my destination- to where they were. I waited and waited in hopes that both of them are alright. But I didn't know the weight of the situation. I didn't know it was critical. The white coats arrived. I stopped from breathing.
"Miss Tenoh is alright, but her right knee has been smashed, there is only so much surgery can do..." I smiled. Thank God, she's alive!
"But... you're daughter's concussion lead to internal hemorrage... I'm afraid..." No. Don't say it. "There's nothing we can do." I cried and cried.
I watched them put my daughter away, I followed them to the morgue. I watched her tiny lifeless body in the cold steel case. She must be cold, she needs a blanket. She needs... I need her. I want her back! But there's nothing I can do.
End of FLASHBACK
... And now, I hate myself. I winced as I felt arms wrap around my waist. Its my soon to be husband, he's kissing my neck. I didn't move, maybe because I couldn't fake it anymore, not after I saw Haruka. Not after realising everything. But still a weakling, I allowed him to do as he pleases. Then he stops.
"Michiru? What's the matter?" I didn't even notice I was crying.
"Nothing. Its nothing. Tears of joy." I lied ofcourse. He smiled, a smile built out of ignorance.
"I love you Michiru."
"I love you too Francois" Another lie.
After a night of empty love-making. I find myself staring the ceiling. Everything didn't feel right. Francois arms are too bulky, his shouder blades are too pointed, his chest is too hard, his collar bone portrudes too much. I didn't feel comfortable in his embrace... I didn't fit. I got up, not surprised to see him not awake. The house could be on fire and still he wouldn't rouse. I wanted to walk outside. I grabbed my coat and headed for the door.
--
God must be playing tricks because just when I got about two blocks away from the hotel - there was Haruka, picking up flowers from that stupid flourist who was obviously trying to make a pass at her! But she remained- unmoved. She smiled that empty smile again before taking off but that wretched girl once again touched her in the arm and gave her free red roses. Then Haruka took off. I followed her of course but not before scowling at the flourist.
"Handsome ain't he? They say he's always here to wait for the love of his life. Stupid bitch left him." She laughed.
"What do you know?!" I said before briskly walking or silently running after Haruka.
I realised now where she's going. I see white crosses and museleums, and a familiar place. She knelt on one knee with difficulty before adjusting the other with both her hands. I wanted to help but I just might ruin the moment. She placed the flowers she bought as well as the ones she got for free on Hotaru's grave. I see her shoulders shaking as she put both her hands to her knees. She fell, she hugged the epitaph. I remember what was written - Loving daughter to Haruka and Michiru... That was when I decided to finally approach her. I knelt beside her, I felt her cringe at my touch, she looked up at me- her eyes were full of pain and hate and love- it was hard to decipher.
"What are you doing here?!" I was caught off guard. I didn't know she was going to be this hostile.
"I just wanted to see our daughter." and you.
"Then go see her when I'm not around! I'm the one who murdered her right? Haruka Tenoh murdered poor helpless victimized Hotaru!" I didn't notice my hand went up automatically at the insult. I slapped her.
"Mock me all you want but don't you mock our daughter." She laughed maniacally, it wasn't that sort of laughter that ensues happiness. That laughter was haunting. Her sorrow echoed through it. She raised her head, now completely stoic, she took the ring out of her pocket again and handed the ring to me. It was in her open palm.
"Take the ring, its yours. Do what you want with it." I looked at the ring, they were of dolphins and in the middle was a single diamond, Haruka said it symbolizes that she is the only one, so there need not be any other diamonds. I remained still, looking at the ring as I reminisce.
"Take it." This time she said it with gritted teeth. I still didn't move nor say anything. In her anger she threw it away. "Fine." She said in vengeance. She stood up from where we knelt. She was struggling, I went by her side to help her but she pushed me away.
"I don't need you help! I went on with my life without you having to help me!" She yelled at me once more, it was so painful to see her act this way towards me. I feels so painfult o be pushed around by her. But I guess I deserve it. Then she cried again. This time she went towards me, and embraced me fiercely, I couldn't help but hold her equally as tight. We cried in each other's arms. I found myself going with her this day.
--
We were back in our house. Same old paintings and portraits and... family pictures hanged up on the wall. A wave of longing suddenly came over me. Haruka was making tea in the kitchen as I walk around my time capsule. Hotaru- she was still a child, she could have been on the brink of womanhood by now. I smile at the thought of our Hotaru being chased and courted by her many admirers.
"Tea's ready..." She said weakly. I glanced at the table near the couch. there were scattered pills on it. Was she sick? But shrugged off the thought when she directed me to sit down. We sat down on the coffee table. She took, what seems to look like an elastic band and tied her hair back. She looked handsome in her new hair style. Like rock icon, with her plaid shirt and leather jacket.
"So... how have you been?" She asked, I swear there was something wrong with her voice.
"I'm good." She simply nodded as she took a sip of her tea and so did I.
"So, who's this soon to be husband of yours? Does he treat you well?" How do I answer that? A nod.
"Good." She smiled, but this time I couldn't read it. I felt like a stranger in our house. or what used to be our house.
"I'm thinking of selling this place. I hope you don't mind." My heart broke into a million pieces at what she just said. I know why she wanted to sell it but still- it hurts.
"Why would I?" I said in anger but I regret it now more than ever, I just pushed her further away. She smiled again. I swear she smiles everytime I say anything bad.
"I'm moving out too." Another blow to my heart, she just keeps breaking my heart today. But then again, I took hers and threw it out.
"Where to?" I asked, truthfully, I am afraid of never seeing her again. She smiled again like she did again and again at my every response.
"Away..." She trailed off and without thinking, I asked...
"From who?" A little too eagerly. She just smiled before taking my cup along with hers and headed for the sink to wash the cups and dishes.
The only thing that went through my head was losing her. Not being able to see even a glimpse of her. Again, I scurried my way to the kitchen with her back facing me. I poke her back, afraid that she might react to my touch violently.
"Where are you going?" No answer. "Haruka?" No answer. "Where?!" I snapped again. She finished with her chore and slowly turned around to face me.
"I'm dying Michiru..." What? I stumbled a few steps backwards. Did I just hear that right?
"W-what?"
"I have AIDS Michiru."
"H-how?! You slept around?!" Michiru was appalled at the thought but she also slept with Francois.
"Heroin. I got it through an infected needle." She calmly stated as if it was the most natural thing to do. I couldn't believe it.
I feel warm uncontrollable tears stream out of my eyes, then I looked at the pills once more, then I remember how different her voice became. I shook my head; she took her cane from the corner of the sink and made her way toward me. I was bawling my heart out. I can't believe it. She embraced me again, this time, I embraced her back with all the desperation in the world. What have I done? I just allowed twelve years to pass us by.
"Shhhhhhh... Everything's going to be all right now. You can have a better life. Something I could never provide. You're smart and beautiful and you have a wonderful soul. Your fiancé's luck to have you." She tried to comfort me, but nothing could ever take away this pain. I wish, time would reverse or at least stays still, to wait for me and Haruka but time didn't stop for Hotaru, time wouldn't stop for Haruka. I slowly looked up to see her looking at me. I pulled her face down for a kiss, and we kissed, how I missed her lips. I made haste with taking her jacket off, and unbuttoning her plaid shirt but she stopped my hands.
"We can't Michiru..." She said, and I know why. I pushed her hands away as I continue to unbutton her shirt.
"We can! We will! We will be in this together! I want to have AIDS! I want to be with you! I want to be with you! We'll die together!" I said as I punched her bare chest with all my frustration, she didn't move, she just winced and took it all in. It was then that I noticed the lesions that have began to devour her once flawless skin. I cried again, why did this happen to me? I brought it upon myself. As reading my mind, Haruka said,
"Don't blame yourself. Its not your fault." She rested her forehead on top of mine before smiling. "Go, I don't want you to go home when its too late. Go back to him." She nudged me towards the direction of the door and I hesitantly followed. I found myself, leaving Haruka alone again, just when she needed most.
--
I went back to the hotel, I found Francois comfortably sitting on the couch watching TV without a care in the world. What did I like about him? Blonde hair and green eyes. I know why. I sighed, he finally notices me.
"Hey you..."
"We have to talk..."
--
So I decided to cut it there because it seems (at least to me) like a good cut. Til next chapter.