Despite the lateness of the hour, Caroline sat at the kitchen counter considering the drink before her. Brandy. Neat. Hopefully bracing. Hopefully it was large enough to fully numb the pain. But she doubted it. She wasn't even sure the rest of the bottle would do but there was no way she could test that theory. She needed to be able to answer the phone if the hospital called. More importantly, she needed to able to drive back to the hospital if Kate…needed her.
She glanced at the clock on the microwave. It was almost midnight and she was in need of sleep but she didn't think she could turn her brain off. It had been more of a roller coaster of a day than she realized and yet she knew tomorrow would be worse.
Swirling the brandy in the snifter, Caroline didn't know what to feel first. She was vacillating between agonizing denial and paralyzing fear. Humming along under the surface was a pervasive sadness she suspected would never leave. It started when her world ripped apart behind the door with Dr. Malik. She didn't even recognize that the agonizing wail heard throughout the hospital wing had escaped from her own lips when he delivered the news that their baby didn't survive despite all their efforts. He softened the blow by telling her Kate would be fine, but Caroline knew her new wife wouldn't handle the loss of another baby well.
As she recalled his exact words, she downed the brandy in one go, wincing at the liquid heat hitting the back of her throat. She coughed involuntarily as she struggled for breath, just like she did when she collapsed in her mother's arms earlier.
With her crumpled sleeve, she wiped the tears that began falling again as she stood to go in search of a tissue box. This wasn't how she envisioned spending their first full day of marriage; it was supposed to be just the two of them, wrapped in a cocoon of love, finishing the nursery and preparing for the birth of their daughter. These were supposed to be the happy, easy days. Instead, they would now need to make their baby's final arrangements. How it all went to shit so fast was more than Caroline could comprehend.
She knew Kate was too groggy from the anesthetic to fully comprehend what had happened before she drifted back off to sleep. Caroline wished she too had an IV drip of the same pain meds to help her through what was going to be a long night as the reality of it all was fully hitting her now that she was finally alone with her thoughts. She was relieved Celia finally relented and headed back to the granny flat. She needed the solitude to think, or rather to try to not think.
"Fuuuuck," she said aloud as she sat back down, clutching a couple of fresh tissues. Usually swearing made her feel better, but not on this night. She reached for the bottle and uncorked it for the second time in minutes, feeling every drop of what she'd just imbibed reaching her extremities and wanting more of the same. Needing more of the same. As she refilled her glass, it hit her that she had to let Beverley and Gavin know she was going to be out on an immediate leave rather than a just the anticipated parental leave.
"Fuuuuck," escaped her lips again, but louder this time as she slammed down another measure of brandy. Leaving the glass and brandy bottle abandoned on the counter, she grabbed her phone and headed to bed. She wasn't fully cognizant of her steps until she reached the open door of the nursery. "Fuuuuck," she said aloud as she pulled the door closed, unable to look in. When she reached her bedroom, she grabbed the box of tissues from the dresser and collapsed on top of the bed covers. Her plan was to cry herself to sleep, if sleep would come at all.
Miles away, at a weathered kitchen table in Halifax, Gillian was pouring herself a second brandy as Robbie watched on from the seat across from her. "Slow down there, Gillian," he cautioned. "You know what brandy does to you."
"I just can't get that sound out of my ears," she said as she set the bottle down, having capitulated and only poured half as much as she had wanted. "I've never heard anything quite like it; Caroline crying out. It was like an irreparable tear in the universe," she said taking a big swig. "We feared it was Kate but when we learned it was the baby, all I could think about was how she predicted that if Kate got pregnant it would only end in tears and sadness. I felt so helpless watching her struggle to compose herself before she went to see Kate in recovery."
"I can't believe Gary hung in there with you all that time. He must have felt like a tit on a bull." He stood to put the brandy bottle back in the cabinet, figuring if it were out of sight Gillian would not pour herself another. He'd had enough wine at dinner and didn't join her.
"It was a hell of a way for him to meet Celia's family. Always dinner and a show here," she said as she raised her glass as if toasting before bringing it to her lips for another swallow. "How long until his wife left?"
"She called for her driver almost as soon as you set off. I think she was afraid she'd have to help with the dishes if she stayed." Gillian wasn't surprised as she pegged her as a snotty bitch as she droned on about her father, the magistrate. Saddened by seeing a different side to her than she did that first night, Gillian was relieved Gary still seemed the same.
"Gary was great. He got on the phone and set the wheels in motion with the funeral home as Caroline was just too stunned and didn't want to make any decisions without Kate; the bloody hospital kept pushing. I heard him tell the guy he wanted the bill for whatever they decided to do when Kate is finally up to making decisions. I wasn't meant to hear that, and I'm sure Caroline won't stand for it, but it was very kind of him."
"How does one even begin to plan for their baby's funeral?" Robbie yawned without trying to hide it or bothering to cover his mouth. "Come on, let's turn in. I need some sleep so I can tend the sheep for you tomorrow. That way you can go help Caroline if she needs you."
The sound of an incoming text pinging on her mobile woke Caroline. For just a minute, she didn't remember all the events of the day before, but the memory instantly came crashing down on her as she reached for her mobile to see if it was Kate. When she saw the time on the phone she was angry at herself for not being up yet but was thankful Gillian was an early riser and texted when she did. In reality, she probably hadn't fallen asleep until after 4 am and it was only just after 7 am; exhausted from the lack of sleep, she had a throbbing headache.
She responded to Gillian's text that she was going to head into the hospital shortly and would appreciate her sorting out Lawrence. Gillian's drunken text from the day before was forgotten in the sad shuffle of the past 24 hours. She was grateful for Gillian, who in reality she hadn't known all that long but somehow knew that when the chips were down she'd always be there for her. She jumped out of bed at the thought of needing to be with Kate and bee-lined for the en-suite.
Caroline was relieved the hospital had Kate in the post surgical ward rather than the maternity ward. She didn't want her to see other mothers with their newborns. The pity she saw on the nurses' faces yesterday was enough of a reminder of their loss and she was hoping Kate wouldn't notice it as well. She tried to walk noiselessly into Kate's room so as not to disturb her if she was asleep, but as soon as she neared the bed, Kate's eyes blinked opened and the telltale redness of them revealed she'd been crying. An involuntary sob escaped Kate who was relieved to finally have her wife with her.
Caroline instinctively flew to her side that wasn't connected to a monitor and held her as best she could; she found herself secretly overcome with relief that Kate wanted her there that she was temporarily unable to speak. They clung to each other and cried together as countless minutes passed. It was Kate who spoke first. "Does my mum know?"
Through her sniffles, Caroline shook her head 'yes' as she released her wife. She wiped her own eyes before reaching out to catch a tear tumbling down Kate's cheek taking care not to touch her facial bruises for fear of hurting her. Just as Caroline needed Celia yesterday, she understood how much Kate needed her own mum so she managed to place a call to her before Kate was even out of recovery. If only this hurt were a scraped knee that could be quickly healed with her mother's kiss and a colorful plaster. "She's flying over today. She was going to book the first flight she could and text Alan her arrival time. He's offered to pick her up at the airport." Kate collapsed back against her pillow, weighted down by a fresh batch of tears that began falling at the news she was coming and the thought of what she would have given for the reason to be for her to finally meet her first grandchild.
Before they could say anything further, the nurse entered the room to check Kate's vitals. She commented that Kate's numbers were looking better and imparted the news that Dr. Malik had just arrived to do his rounds and would be in shortly.
"Who is he," Kate asked her wife after the nurse retreated from the room.
"He was your primary surgeon. He might be able to give us more answers. I spoke with him briefly yesterday but I was in too much shock to ask him any coherent questions," Caroline admitted, finally giving her a little unexpected insight; Kate understandably hadn't yet focused on Caroline's time at the hospital yesterday as her memory of her own was still a bit foggy.
The senior surgeon who strolled through the door a few minutes later looked nothing like the scrub-clad medic Caroline briefly met the day before. His fresh shave and cologne were the first things Caroline noticed after his pristine white doctor's coat. He looked rested and straight-backed, not battle-weary like the day before; she hadn't expected this fresh and masterful appearance but she found it reassuring somehow.
"Ladies," he said in greeting as he moved to look at Kate's monitor. He shifted the clipboard with her chart on it to his left hand so he could press some buttons on it with his dominant right hand. Relieved to have confirmed the progress noted on her chart, he turned to fully engage their eager tear-stained faces.
"Kate, there are no words to say how sorry we all are for your loss. I assume you and your wife have questions for me and I'll try to answer them as best I can." With an understanding that the landscape of their lives was forever changed the day before, and not wanting to impart more detail than they were ready to hear, he stilled his movements and waited for their first question.
Caroline clasped Kate's unscathed left hand to help steel them both for what they were about to hear. "I was in a daze yesterday and not sure I really heard everything. Can you just start at the beginning so that we can hear it together?"
He gave a full description of it all, from the time the medics brought Kate in on the stretcher up through the caesarian section. Intentionally leaving out any detail about what happened to the baby, he focused on all the damage the forceful airbag deployment caused to Kate's body. As injuries from those went, he said she was lucky. He commented that had only a few months prior he worked on a lad who had been driving a vehicle with one of the recalled Takata airbags who died as a result of the force of the bag's deployment; it sent shrapnel flying into his body and crushed his ribs and lungs.
Stunned by that detail, yet impatient for more news about their child, Caroline almost incoherently prompted him, "but the baby. What…what about the…the baby? Was her death a direct result of the…the airbag?"
"Although you suffered some broken ribs, broken bones in your wrist and a concussion from the impact, I don't think we can classify it as such," he said gingerly. "I put the pins in your right wrist to properly reset the break. Those lacerations to your face should heal well. We had a plastic surgery consult to make sure we didn't misstep there. It may not feel like it but you're a lucky lass."
Kate hadn't yet looked in the mirror so she had no idea what she'd find staring back at her. But that was the least of her concerns as she finally added her voice to the conversation. "But what about the baby?"
"My colleague performed the caesarian. I wasn't in a position to really explain it all to Caroline yesterday because I wanted a full examination of the baby and more detail from the doctor who tended to her before discussing it with either of you at length. You see, there was a knot in the umbilical cord and it appears as though it tightened to the point it cut off the supply of everything the baby needed. He thinks it happened before the accident and that was the real cause of her death. She had no real bruising from the impact."
"My baby," Kate stammered before devolving into tears again, unable to readily process this new information.
"We think the knot had been there and it was just tightening over time. Sometimes it just happens. When it does, it's usually not discovered until it's too late and there's often nothing anyone can do. We tend to put the mother through a vaginal stillborn delivery but you were saved from that," he said in an effort to console them. "The surgeon was careful to minimize your incision and tried to cut so that if you conceive again you might be able to deliver vaginally."
It was at this point that Caroline let out a silent sigh of relief. She feared whatever aftermath she and Kate would go through if Kate couldn't get pregnant again and what it would do to their relationship. At least there was still a chance for a baby if Kate wanted one. During the blackness of the hours she struggled to find sleep the night before, she feared Kate would blame her for not wanting a child in the first place and the loss would mean the end of them just as they were beginning again. The thought of Kate being so close this time to finally being a mum was a bridge too far, especially since this senseless thing had to happen while Kate was taking care of her children.
While Caroline was lost in her thoughts, Kate and Dr. Malik discussed the last time Kate felt the baby move; she believed it was just before getting out of bed that morning. She figured the baby was just tired from all the excitement and activity of their wedding day and didn't give it a second thought. Caroline tried to quiet her growing nerves as she listened to their exchange and supportively plugged back into the conversation.
After a lot more assurances from the good doctor, he moved on to explaining the discharge plan for Kate and the follow-up care she would require. Just before taking his leave, he added, "It doesn't mean it will happen if you get pregnant again, Kate. I've known other women who have gone on to have healthy babies after a thing like this. Talk with your obstetrician about the amount of time your body needs to heal before getting pregnant if you wish to try again."
As soon as they saw his white coat swish behind him as he walked away, Kate and Caroline collapsed again into each other's arms and cried together anew; their tears saying it all as neither could find the words to speak.