A/N: I don't usually write Humour/Romance (all in one) type Fan Fiction, but there is a first time for everything. This story takes place after the war, and after Voldemort's downfall. It's likely to be a long story once completed, and it is just a light-hearted piece. That said, it doesn't mean Snape is fluffy and cute! No, he's as in character as possible for the situation. But please, bear in mind this is in the humour section :)
Yes, Hermione has an OC boyfriend at the start of this fic, but since she's around 25 in my mind, why wouldn't she?
Of course, she'll be after Snape in the end ;)
A really big, massive thank you to my beta, alkin, who has read this chapter through so many times it's a wonder she hasn't killed me yet!
Let me know what parts you like, what parts you don't - I know I'm not the best writer, so constructive criticism is not my enemy lol :)
Above all – enjoy!
The Awfully Tedious Life of Hermione Granger (aged 25)
Chapter One – First impressions are awfully important.
Hermione sat outside the Headmaster's office, fidgeting with her handbag. She had never been this nervous about a job interview before, and couldn't really figure out why she felt so nervous now. She supposed it was partly because she hadn't seen Albus Dumbledore since the end of the war, and had only occasional contact with him -either via Christmas cards or second-hand news in letters from Harry. Now she had turned up looking for a job, and she was frightened he wouldn't like her anymore. Maybe he wouldn't even remember her?
The loud sliding of the gargoyle moving beside her made her jump, and Professor McGonagall came out and smiled at her,
"The headmaster will see you now, Miss Granger."
"Thank you, Professor."
Hermione gave her old Head of House a strained smile before making her way up the spiral staircase to the Headmaster's office. She opened the heavy doors at the top of the staircase slowly, and peered around the edge of the door. Professor Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, and when he saw her he smiled warmly.
"Ah! Hermione, please do come in and have a seat."
Hermione did as she was told; she was beginning to feel like she was back at school, being dragged into the office with Ron and Harry for another 'talk' on the importance of safety. Dumbledore inclined a vividly pattered china dish towards her. It was filled with yellow sweets.
"Sherbet Lemon?"
Hermione gratefully took the sweet and popped it into her mouth. Normally she would have declined such an offer, feeling guilty for even touching a sweet like that after all the things her parents had told her they did to her teeth, but today she was just grateful for the sugar. As she sucked the sherbet out of the sweet she listened to Professor Dumbledore talk about a recent mishap betweenHagrid and an overly violent manticore.
"I trust your journey was pleasant enough?" Inquired Dumbledore.
"It was fine! I had a bit of trouble when I arrived in Hogsmeade, I used the Floo Network and miscalculated my landing...a little." Hermione's voice trailed off, trying not to remember the small child she almost crushed. She guessed it was just nervousness that had made the journey a little more taxing than it needed to be.
"And I do believe that SPEW has really taken off?" Dumbledore said with interest.
"Oh yes!" Hermione grinned, her mood lightening immediately; her charity was her pride and joy, "Since the end of the war, many of the pure-blood families who supported Voldemort have met with either death or Azkaban, leaving the house-elves alone in their master's houses. We have teams of free house-elves that visit those elves still confined to the houses to try and show them a new way of life, a way of life that frees them from the shackles of slavery. Many find it hard to accept at first, of course, but after spending time with other house-elves some begin to realise there is more to life than servitude. I believe that most choose to come and work at Hogwarts for payment?"
Dumbledore sighed,
"Yes, sadly it seems that I am one of the few wizards who do not mind paying house-elves on a monthly basis, as it is such a controversial idea to those wizarding families who are old-fashioned in their ways. But, I hear the Weasleys have also taken several on?"
"They have, yes, it's to try and rehabilitate the elves to their new way of life, rather like a half-way house for house-elves."
"Marvellous! Now, please, do tell me how you are – I've heard rumours you leftyour previous job? What was it again?"
"It was an integration programme for Muggles and Wizards." Hermione sighed. "It started off as a novel idea on the Ministry's part, but in truth, it would never have worked. Most of the Muggle world has been left with bad memories of the time of the war, believing so many different stories of the events. The spells used in some case for memory distortions are so deep-set that to now try and tell them what they thought was a dream is real, is likely to leave too many with mental damage. Although the Ministry still believe that revealing such information to the Muggle world will work in the long run, I think the whole thing is completely unethical, and no longer want any part in it."
"I would agree with you, Hermione. I do not think that now is the time for the Wizarding world to reveal itself, the wounds of the war against Voldemort are too fresh on both our side and theirs." Dumbledore paused briefly, lost in thought, before turning his attentions back to Hermione,
"And now, my dear, to business." Dumbledore gave out a little chuckle, "First - why is it that you applied for this job? I've been told you had always expressed disdain for the profession to Professor McGonagall during Career's interviews."
Hermione mentally agreed. She used to shudder at the thought of teaching hundreds of brats who would do nothing but make her life a misery. But now she was older, she had tried other jobs, and thought that maybe teaching wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Well," replied Hermione thoughtfully, "A couple of years ago I spent some time with the Ministry working with those children whose parents who fell under Voldemort during the war. I found that with their parents gone, some of them had taken to looking to me for advice, for guidance. It was then that I realised teaching is more than just giving them words to learn, but you become something respected, and almost loved, in their eyes. I remember how much I admired many of my Professors, and how much help they gave me throughout the years. That is something I would like to give back to the school." Satisfied with her answer, Hermione gave the Headmaster a broad smile. She thought it was a rather good answer; and it was one that she honestly believed to be true. Everyone respected their teachers, didn't they?
"And as for your qualifications to teach the Defence Against the Dark Arts course? Do you have your C.V. with you?"
"Oh! Of course!" Hermione replied, fumbling nervously as she pulled out the file and handed it over. There was silence for several minutes as Professor Dumbledore read to himself, uttering things like "My goodness!" and "Interesting!" under his breath. After what seemed like an eternity to the anxious Hermione, he set her C.V. down and began to talk to her again,
"Beautifully set out, Hermione. Of course your N.E.W.T.s are as perfect as one could hope for! How could anyone forget the girl who scored nearly full marks in all the N.E.W.T.s she sat?"
Hermione blushed and tried to look nonchalant about the whole thing, but was secretly delighted that he had remembered her results.
"And as for work experience in the field you are wishing to teach, your work for the Order in such areas has not been forgotten. And of course your antics throughout your school career with Harry will never be forgotten!" Dumbledore raised his hand, "But, I have a few final questions I must ask you."
Hermione gulped – why did he need to ask her anything else? He'd covered qualifications, experience, her reason for wanting the job...surely she didn't need anything further than that? She felt her hands begin to sweat and she waited.
"If you felt a student was not producing the standard of work necessary for your class, how would you encourage them to better themselves?"
Hermione thought quickly – what was it that she did when she felt she didn't have a good enough grasp of a topic?
"Extra reading." Hermione smiled. "Most problems with work standards is down to lack of research. If a student was finding a topic particularly difficult, I would recommend different books from the library, and failing that I would see to it that they had extra lessons to help catch up with the rest of the class."
Dumbledore gave her a satisfied look before continuing his questioning,
"And how would you handle a disruptive pupil – what punishment method would you use?"
Hermione didn't even have the time to think as her mouth seemed to be working separately from her brain, and she heard herself say,
"Filch."
Dumbledore laughed,
"Wonderful answer! Well, I'm happy to say that I think you will do an excellent job, and make a fine addition to our staff."
"What? Do you mean you'll give me the job?" Hermione asked excitedly.
"Yes."
Dr. Marcus Acroff. That was her boyfriend, who she had met through Viktor when she was twenty-one. It wasn't one of those magical meetings, where after gazing into each other's eyes for a spilt second you knew you were destined for each other; Hermione didn't believe in romantic nonsense like that. They were both sitting at the same table at a dinner party, thrown in honour of the launch of a new magical 'super-drug' (which claimed to 'cure' everything from baldness to beer-bellies in old men) and were the only two not dancing. Conversation had got started and was soon on the topic of SPEW – Marcus had been impressed with the whole idea of it, and had donated 20 Galleons there and then! From that moment on, Hermione had begun to admire him – he seemed to her the most generous man she had ever met.
He had been a student at Durmstrang, and now worked for the Ministry researching magical remedies - he had already found a cure for two previously fatal wizarding diseases, and was highly respected in his field. He earned more money than Hermione could count, and she was deeply in love with him. Unlike any of her previous boyfriends, he had an intellect that matched hers; sometimes she thought he even surpassed her. What she loved about him was the conversations they had - they discussed World News, they debated over new medical breakthroughs, they researched their work together...and, of course, they had glorious sex. Well, they didn't have so much of that, but when they did, it was glorious. Once every month was good for a 2-year relationship, right? At the beginning there was obviously much more of it, after that his work had become more demanding, and she had gracefully let herself fade into the background. Hermione was happy with this; after all, she had fallen for his intellect and his conversations more than anything else. And she wasn't about to stand in the way of his groundbreaking work in the field of magical remedies.
Hermione stared at Marcus from the bed as he undressed. So he didn't exactly have the body of a God, but most men didn't. And as for his privates...well...they did the job. But that's not why I'm with him, thought Hermione, we have a stronger bond, we don't need sex to keep us together!
Hermione had moved in with Marcus six months ago, and now she was moving out again to live in Hogwarts. It wasn't all bad. He promised he would come down to visit her as often as possible, and she would come home for the Christmas holidays. Putting down the book she was reading (How to be a Wonderful Teacher in 10 Easy Steps! By Melissa École) she spoke huskily,
"Come on into bed, Marcus."
Marcus looked up at her as he folded away his clothes, noticing a hint of the lacy black underwear she was wearing. He tilted his head to one side,
"Oh, honey, I don't think I'm really up to...you know...tonight. I've had a really stressful day at work, I'm sure you understand."
Hermione tried to hide her disappointment as Marcus got into bed beside her and muttered a soft "Goodnight."
Within minutes he was fast asleep and snoring.
Way to go, Sex-Goddess, Hermione thought to herself as she lay in the dark, you really got him going all right! Hermione knew she shouldn't complain, it wasn't his fault he wasn't up to any sex tonight, work was tough on him and she was being insensitive to think he could perform on demand. But... she was going away tomorrow for Hogwarts for several months, and she had thought he might just have wanted just a little...Hermione sighed, and rolled over onto her side.
He still loved her.
Of course he did.
Hermione stretched in the morning sunlight streaming through the window. Sighing happily, she rolled over to hug Marcus. She rolled right off the bed.
"Ow!" Hermione sat up on the bedroom floor, rubbing her bruised elbow. Looking around the bedroom, she realised that Marcus wasn't there. She smiled; he's obviously woken early to make me a romantic farewell breakfast! Hermione washed and dressed in a rush, before going downstairs to find Marcus.
He wasn't there.
A note, however, was.
Hermione picked up the piece of paper and read it's contents,
"Dear Hermione,
I'm sorry I'm not here to see you off, but something rather urgent popped up at work and I had to go in straight away. Henderson believes he's found the missing link we've been searching for on the "Red Ribbon" project! You know how I wish I could tell you more about it, but I can't, it's at such a crucial stage. I'm sure you'll be able to make your way to Hogwarts on your own; I look forward to seeing you again at Christmas.
Yours sincerely,
Marcus."
Hermione tried to remain calm; she was not normally a violent person. But as she stood there in the kitchen, the note crumpling as she tightened her grip around it, she really thought she was going to lose her temper. She hissed softly,
"Sincerely? Sincerely! Where is the "I love you"? Or the "I'll miss you"?" Hermione threw the note into the bin in fury. "Sometimes I just hate that man!"
Hermione spent the rest of her morning tidying up around the house, and checking she had packed everything she needed. And then double checking, and triple checking. It wouldn't do to forget anything. She deliberately pushed the note to the back of her mind, trying to be rational about the whole situation, and vowed not to let her feelings gain control again. Her brain was to rule how she acted, not her emotions, and she knew she had to keep it that way. Otherwise she'd be just another silly woman in love.
She had arrived at Hogwarts by ten o'clock, managing to avoid the rain that had been pelting down all morning. That was certainly a benefit of being a witch – water-repelling spells. Hermione set her bags down on the tiles outside the entrance to Hogwarts and gave her skirt a quick brush down before she went in. She noticed the slight bulge of her stomach as she smoothed her clothes, and mentally swore that she would actually stick to her diet now she was at Hogwarts. Her time with Marcus had made her a little too comfortable with herself, and she could feel herself getting heavier by the day. It hardly mattered of course, as no one ever really saw her naked. Still, she wasn't going to let her weight become a problem in her new life as a teacher.
Hermione pulled out a mirror from her pocket and inspected her hair. She still hadn't found a good long-lasting anti-frizz charm, and so was making do with a lot of muggle hair products today – she felt even more relieved she had missed the downpour of rain. Normally Hermione was happy to let her unmanageable hair do what it wanted, but today it was important to make a good impression.
The massive front doors were still locked as term had not yet begun, and Hermione had been instructed to ring the bell that hung by the side of the doors when she arrived. Confident that she looked suitably smart, she pulled on the rough length of rope to the side of the door and rang the bell. As she waited for someone to answer the door, she could hear shouts coming from above her,
"Who's there? Eh? I'll be right down! It better not be you devious little brats from Hogsmeade again!"
Hermione looked up just in time to see the drainpipe above her explode. A foul mixture of rainwater and rotting leaves came gushing down the now clear pipe and drenched her as the huge double doors opened. A familiar face stared at the sight,
"I see Filch has cleared the blocked drainpipe above the doorway." Severus Snape drawled, not bothering to hide his smirk.
Trying to maintain as much dignity as she could in the situation, Hermione pulled a piece of ivy from her hair and flicked it to the ground. Forcing a smile, she replied,
"Yes, it appears that he has."
Snape sat and watched Hermione as she brushed the last of the leaves out of her hair in the staff room. She hadn't changed much since the last time he had seen her. She was still plain and rather unattractive, with her hair unkempt and bushy. He noticed that there were a few spots, which she had tried to conceal with make-up, but it hadn't worked. He scanned her body surreptitiously, and noted she had put on weight since she left school. There was a word he was looking for that described her; it was on the tip of his tongue...
"Boring." Snape said out loud. Hermione turned round, givinghim a dirty look as she replied,
"Pardon?"
Snape cursed to himself for having talked out loud. It meant he had to make an effort to continue talking to the irritating know-it-all that he thought he had finally got rid of years ago. Making up some believable excuse for his outburst he spoke as icily as possible, hoping to put her off any further idle conversation,
"Boring - this job. You'll find it quite tedious and mind-numbingly boring."
Hermione shrugged,
"I shouldn't think it is so bad. I'll get to continue some personal research in my spare time, and I'm sure teaching is a rewarding experience."
Snape let out a derisive snort.
"Spare time? Every waking moment is consumed by teaching, marking, detentions, setting tests, cleaning up after the students' mess, attending unnecessary staff meetings and wretched pastoral care programmes! And as for it being a rewarding experience...!"
Hermione decided that after everything that had happened in the last 24 hours she was in no mood to argue with her old Potion's Master; that greasy, vile, nasty, revolting man, thought Hermione, pulling another leaf out of her hair. Feeling no desire to stay in the staff room with him any longer, she stood up and charmed her bags to follow her. Snape also followed her movements with his eyes as she got up and made her way out of the room. He sneered after her,
"Do you even know where your quarters are?"
Hermione stopped dead in her tracks, feeling rather foolish, and spoke through gritted teeth,
"No."
"Then I would advise you to wait until Professor Dumbledore arrives to show you."
Defiantly, Hermione set her bags down in the corridor outside the staff room and deliberately waited there for Professor Dumbledore, rather than go back in to sit with the infuriating man.
Snape made no complaint; after all, the less time spent with the girl, the better.