A/N: A 6-part Mac-centric piece. Rated M for language and mature situations. Spoilers for S1 and S2 – "Blink", "Charge of the post"

Disclaimer: CSI:NY is created and owned by Bruckheimer, CBS and the lot. No profit will be made from this. Historical events have been re-created and re-interpreted for entertainment purposes only, and is not a representation of the author's view w.r.t events mentioned.

Acknowledgments:

Wikipedia – the fastest source of information for amateur writers like myself.

Poets – Quotes used from the works of William Shakespeare, T.S Eliot & W.B. Yeats.

FanficNet writers – I've trawled the Net reading stuff written by people like Dimgwrthien, Stellaluna, poloparadise and many others not mentioned. Much of my inspiration and character study comes from their writings and here's me saying thanks. Thanks.

He has no excuse for pulling the trigger now.

He has had at least four better reasons to get himself killed than this.

He was probably just having some severe mood-swing.

PROLOGUE

You think too much. Everyone can see that. You need some time off, time for yourself; just shut out the rest of the world for a while.

You can't keep this up much longer. You are human after all. I mean… have you seen yourself lately? All red-eyed and pale-faced – on your way to joining Hammer's Hall of Monsters, hmm?

Damn you do look like hell.

Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you. Look at me! Shit, sorry, sorry but hey you got to face up to facts. You couldn't lock yourself in the office forever.

Too many things to handle? You can say that again. Soldier, captain, husband, friend. Yeah alright, ex-soldier and ex-husband, Mr. Pedantic. What? It's supposed to be Lieutenant? Hell, you really need chill out and take things easy, you know, take a trip somewhere nice, soak in some sun, walk the beaches and just be -

Woah, what the fuck are you insane?! Put that down. Put. It. Down. Oh hell, this is bad. You are not serious, no you are fucking not, put it down!

Shit you're insane you know that? Not to mention selfish. Yeah, selfish, you heard me. You ever give a thought about who's gonna come in and find bone and organ all over the floor? And they'll have to call the police and the team – your team, mind – will have to process this whole place and this would become another in the long list of ongoing investigations and you would have just added to the problems in everyone else's lives.

Oh yeah, Stella would also have your head if you went and did something stupid like that. Yes she would, and you know it.

Anyway, it would be a terrible waste for you to go like that. Huh, Marine Vet, Head CSI, all that would look good on your obituary, but I can tell you it won't be an open casket ceremony. Nope, not with your head half gone. And it's really very unbecoming too. Now will you please put it back in the drawer there?

Thank you.

Insane idiot? I'll say. You've had at least four better reasons to get yourself killed than this. If you could live through them, you can live through this. You've got so much to live for – shut up, yes you do.

Well, how about love? Hmm. Your emotional side never fully developed, did it? You can be a real ass sometimes. No, all you need is to open your eyes and your heart once in a while. Lighten up, loosen up, take that pole out; you might learn to like it. Well, Stella would appreciate it, Danny would stop cracking jokes behind your back, Lindsay would feel less suffocated, Flack would stop wanting to hit you: just to name a few.

Yeah, yeah, sure whatever. Told you you needed time off.