Hey guys. So this was an assignment that I had to write for English class this last year. This wasn't meant to be fanfiction at first, but when I was writing it, I pictured Spencer as in Spencer Reid. So, I decided to make this a really long one shot Reid fic. I hope you enjoy, sorry if it sort of sucks. lol. Anyways, don't be scared to leave reviews. I always want to know how to improve my writing. Enjoy!
I walked into the local coffee shop with my messenger bag; it was Sunday, but it really didn't feel like one. Usually, my daughter, Anna, and my wife, Ellie, and I came every Sunday morning for breakfast; it was a usual family tradition. Only this Sunday was different, Anna lost her battle of leukemia last night, and Ellie left last night as well. I sat down at a table all alone. I ordered my favorite drink, a Mocha Latte. I thought about all of the sadness and anger that has been buried inside of me for the last three years as I dug through my messenger bag looking for money so that I could pay for my drink. While I rummaged, I found a depressing picture. It was of Ellie at this same coffee shop. It was taken the day that we met at this coffee shop; this coffee shop holds a lot of our memories, like a keepsake box. As I stared into the picture, it brought back vivid memories of times that were easier.
I walked into the local coffee shop like I did every Sunday morning. It was the only thing around our small town that was opened on Sunday, thank goodness for me. Being the nerd that I was, I usually hung out and read many books. I was twenty, a total nerd, and not the ladies type at all.
While I was drinking my Mocha Latte and reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, I noticed an attractive young lady walk through the front door; I couldn't forget it; the converse, the graphic t-shirt, the nerd glasses. My social awkwardness and shyness kicked in, I buried myself in my book so that she wouldn't notice me. I liked her, but I thought that no woman on this planet would ever like me.
My attempts at hiding failed, like a magnet, she flew over to my table as quick as a roadrunner.
The first thing that the girl noticed was the book that I was reading. "I like Lewis Carroll's work too." I shyly smiled back, "This book was my escape. Not as much anymore, but it was a lot during my childhood. My childhood kind of sucked." The girl frowned.
"That is why I like Lewis Carroll too. I would always read Lewis Carroll when my parents were arguing in our kitchen. My mom and dad got into such a bad argument when I was nine, my dad started on a rampage and killed my mom by stabbing her right through the heart. I watched the whole thing unfold right in front of my eyes, the blood; there was so much blood. My dad tried to kill me too with the same knife, he ended up stabbing me in the stomach. My liver, lungs, and kidneys were damaged because of the stabbing; I was severely injured. I was in the hospital for a couple of months healing while being in a medically induced coma. The doctors said that I was lucky to survive. After I was finally discharged from the hospital, I immediately got adopted by a happy couple because my dad obviously got put in jail for murder and for hurting me."
I sadly sighed. "Wow, I thought my childhood was bad. I'm sorry that happened to you. I am also sorry that I brought up those painful memories; those must be difficult to talk about." She shook her head.
"Oh, its perfectly fine. What happened to you as a kid?"
"My dad left my schizophrenic mother and I when I was ten. After that, my mother lost her mind practically when she never cooperated with me and never took her medication. When I turned eighteen, I realized that I couldn't take care of her anymore. I had her institutionalized into a mental health facility." The girl frowned.
"Wow, I am incredibly sorry about your mom. I am also sorry that I never told you my name; my name is Eleanor, but you're cool, so you can call me Elle or Ellie. It is whatever you prefer." Ellie held her hand out; for once in a lifetime, my germaphobic quirk allowed me to shake it back.
"My name is Spencer." Ellie smiled, "That is a nice name for a boy." I laughed and shrugged. "Thanks. I guess you should thank my mom since she is the one that named me after all, I didn't pick it out." Austin laughed, she actually thought that my joke was funny.
"Charm, brains, beauty, and even humor. Your mother should be so proud." I laughed, the next thing that I noticed was Ellie's nice retro looking camera that she had in her lap.
I pointed at the camera, "What's that?" Ellie looked down. "I am a photographer for a living. I found this retro camera at a flea market before I came here. I haven't taken any actual pictures with it yet. Would you like to take a picture?" I became surprised.
"What would you like me to take a picture of?" Ellie smiled and handed me the camera. "Me." I became nervous and clammy.
"That sounds like a good idea." I did like Ellie, maybe I could keep this picture as a souvenir of our new friendship. I took a picture of the beautiful, young woman. When it popped out, I looked at it then handed it to Ellie.
"Nice job Spencer!" Ellie said as she got a pen out of her purse and wrote something on the picture, her phone number and a heart. "Just in case you ever want to hang out again. Can I have your number before I skedaddle?" I nodded and got one of my business cards.
When I handed her the card, she smiled. "Bye Spencer." She said waving.
"Bye." I said waving back, completely starstruck by Eleanor.
While I was in deep thoughts while looking at the photo, my best friend from college, Bailey, surprised me by coming up to my table.
"Hey, its been awhile since I seen you around. Spence, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about the loss of Anna. I can't even begin to think how you must feel right now, the feeling of losing your child to cancer has to be beyond terrible." I put the photo on the table, tears were threatening to fall out of my eyes. Bailey looked at me, she saw the tears in my glistening eyes.
"Spencer, it is okay to let your emotions out. Crying might make you feel a bit better." Once Bailey's permission was given, it didn't take long for my emotions to just come over me. I started to sob.
"My daughter, she never deserved any of this! She never deserved to die at five. She never deserved all of the pain. I was always willing to go first. Bailey, parents should not have to bury their kids; kids should bury their parents. Now I am all alone." Bailey sighed, confused at my statement; she was rubbing circles on my back.
"What about Eleanor? You do have your wonderful wife Spencer." That made me wince and cry more.
"My so called wonderful wife left last night out of no where after Anna died and everything was set in done. Ellie blamed me for Anna's death, she said that I killed her. I don't know how much more that I can take."
"You listen to me Spencer! Your daughter is in heaven probably wondering why her daddy is in a whirlwind of emotions. She loved you, she still does, she would want her parents to get on with life somewhat instead of being in a depressive hole of sadness."
I wiped my eyes, I felt humiliated; Bailey had a good point. "I need to go home. I practically just humiliated myself. Do you want to come with me? I feel like that it is too soon for me to be in my house alone, it can be just like the college times." Bailey smiled.
"First of all, you did not humiliate yourself; you have the right to cry right now. Second, I would love to go with you, but please don't call it hanging out. We are in our thirties now, not twenty one." Bailey's sense of humor always made me laugh.
Bailey and I walked out of the coffee shop into the cold, winter air, and headed out to my car. I have never felt so free, but it felt empty without Ellie nor Anna.
Once I pulled out of the parking lot with Bailey in the passenger seat next to me, the winter weather reminded me of the time that I finally got the guts to ask Ellie to marry me.
After four years of heavy romance, I finally decided that I wanted to marry Ellie. I know that four years seems like a long time before marriage, but I wanted to make sure that it was right. I was nervous and apprehensive, but I managed to go through with my plan.
It was Christmas Eve, it was tradition that Ellie and I always spent Christmas Eve at her adoptive parents' house. We were sitting on the couch holding hands while all of the little kids in the family helped Ellie's dad, Robert, put the Christmas tree up. It was really cute when Robert lifted up one of the little guys so that he could put the star on the tree. I kept the ring in the pocket of my winter jacket inside of its box; I was waiting for the perfect time.
When the Christmas tree was finally put up, the whole family ran up to the windows, it was snowing. All the little kids were jumping up and down, excited as could be. This was the perfect time, I thought to myself.
I coughed, "Hey honey, do you want to go outside with me so that we could get a breath of fresh air?" Ellie looked at me as if I was stupid. "Are you crazy Spence? It is like freezing outside!" I started to have doubts in my plan.
"Please?" I asked practically begging. She laughed and smiled. "Okay, I would love to go outside with you." I sighed with relief. "Thank goodness," I said sarcastically, "I thought I would have to go outside all by myself in the winter weather." We grabbed hands and walked into the mudroom where our jackets are; I put on Ellie's jacket for her. When I got my jacket on, I touched my pocket that had the box inside of it, just for good luck.
When we got outside, the scenery was beautiful. The snowflakes falling from the sky made a light dusting over everything in our sight. We walked onto the patio. "It is beautiful out here tonight." Ellie said as she looked around and slightly shivered from the cold, I put my arms around her.
"Yeah, yeah it is. This has been such a nice Christmas so far. I love you Eleanor with all of my heart." She cuddled into me as if I was a giant teddy bear. "Ellie, I was thinking. I want you to be the person that I spend the rest of my life with. You are the person that I want to spend my golden years with. I want us to grow old together, I want us to be together forever. Will you marry me?" Ellie became flattered, she had tears in her eyes.
"Spence…" I dropped down to one knee. "Will you?" Ellie began to cry, but in a good way. "Spencer, I would be honored to marry you. I love you so much." Ellie jumped into my arms after she put her engagement ring on; it truly was the best Christmas ever.
"It's too bad that Ellie left Spencer." I shook my head.
"Conflict was in our relationship even before Anna got really sick." Bailey looked at me with a sense of almost disappointment, "Were you guys thinking about getting a divorce?"
"I don't really know. We were just so buried in everything else. I guess we never really said anything out loud, but maybe it was a thought in our minds. Anna was just too sick though, I thought about my sick daughter that needed me instead of my marriage." Bailey looked at me, "You did the right thing Spencer." I looked at her and just shook my head. "Did I?"
"I wish that things would have turned out better." Bailey put a hand on my shoulder.
"Spence, I know that things are super painful right now and that John Green is right, pain demands to be felt, but you still have your good memories.. Ellie and Anna both gave you many years filled with good memories to remember them by before they left. I know that you may want to erase them because they are too painful, but memories are all that you are going to have left."
I looked outside the window that had little snowflakes on it. "I know, but I just feel as if everything is eating me up inside. Doctor Seuss did have a point when he said that you may never value a moment until it becomes a memory."
It had only been a year after Ellie and I got married that we realized that we wanted children, we wanted them badly. I don't really understand why we were in such a rush; Ellie was twenty five, and I was twenty six. We were trying for kids so much, but we failed repeatedly.
We wanted to know what the problem was after so much failure, so Ellie decided to go to a doctor. After Ellie got some tests done, it was just a long wait in the waiting room.
When the doctor finally got test results, he had a sad face when he came out to the waiting room.
"No….no…" Ellie said as she dropped to her knees, uncontrollably sobbing. I walked next to Ellie and put my hands on her shoulders.
"You have a condition that makes it so that you won't be able to conceive children. I am so sorry." Ellie kept on sobbing, she just faced her worst nightmare.
When we left the doctor's office and got into the car, Ellie looked down; she looked ashamed. "I'm so sorry Spencer." Ellie whispered guiltily. I looked over, "Sorry for what?"
"I am sorry that you won't ever have a chance of having your own biological children." Ellie started sobbing again. I rubbed circles around her back; we still haven't left the parking lot.
"Honey, listen to me. There are many children that need to be adopted out there. We will adopt them. It will be okay."
Ellie took a deep breath in. "I love you Spencer, thank you for never leaving me." I grabbed her hand. "I love you too Ellie, I would never leave you."
"How did Ellie ever end up having Anna?" I sort of laughed, but not really. "To be honest, we don't really know. The doctors thought they were just wrong, which can happen; we didn't even know that Ellie was pregnant until she went into labor." Bailey looked at me super surprised.
"How can a woman go nine months without realizing that she is pregnant? Didn't she get big? Didn't her feet swell?" I shrugged. "She had no obvious symptoms. She didn't have a period, but again, we were told that she wouldn't be able to have kids. She was also sore, but with her job as a photographer, she is always on her feet." Bailey shrugged and smiled, she was still very confused. "I guess anything is possible."
It was Christmas Eve a year after we realized that Ellie and I's dream of having kids was crushed and crumbled like a piece of paper. We were cuddling in our old apartment that we owned; it was above an art studio, that was all that we could afford at the time. We had gotten home from Ellie's adoptive parents' house about an hour before, Ellie wasn't feeling well so we decided to leave earlier than usual. It was cold inside of the apartment because our heat never seemed to work fabulously; we were close together underneath our heavy blankets in our bed. I put my arms around Ellie.
"Ahh! Ouch!" Ellie cried out and moaned when I tightened my arms around her. "Did I hurt you?" I asked worriedly. "No, I think that my lovely time of the month might have decided to come back with a vengeance, if you know what I mean." Ellie rolled out of bed tiredly, I sat up to turn on a lamp and get my glasses on; I had a feeling this was way more serious than Ellie thought.
After a few minutes of silence, I got out of bed and walked by the bathroom door, "Is everything working out in there?" I asked. I tried to look inside of the slightly cracked door, but I didn't want to invade her privacy.
"Spencer, we need to go to the emergency room now. I think I may have appendicitis!" Ellie said as she winced in pain. I panicked.
"Do you want me to pack you a bag? Just in case they keep you in the hospital or something…." Ellie interrupted me.
"Screw the bag! I feel like I am dying inside!" I helped Ellie out of the bathroom; we headed to the car in a hasten. The whole car ride to the hospital was just full of awkwardness; Ellie was screaming and moaning, I did my best to comfort her, but I was just not too skilled in that department.
When we finally got to the emergency room entrance in one piece, Ellie became relieved. I helped Ellie into the hospital.
When we got to the reception desk, Ellie shouted because of the stabbing pain that she was experiencing. "Are you okay mam?" The reception lady asked politely and calmly. Ellie was in so much pain; she gritted her teeth.
"I'm not okay!" Ellie shouted. "I feel like my insides want to be on the outside! I suspect that it is appendicitis."
The reception lady became troubled by Ellie's harshness; she realized Ellie's pain. "Miss, it is okay. I am going to get the doctor right away." The reception lady ran into the actual emergency department, I grabbed Ellie's hand.
"It'll be okay honey." I said soothingly. Ellie squeezed my hand so hard that she nearly broke it. "What is happening?" She asked me in a sobbing, emotional mess. "I don't… I don't know."
The doctor hurried back out with the reception lady; the doctor brought Ellie and I into a room right away. The doctor stuck his hand out; we shook it. "My name is Dr. Michael West. What seems to be the problem today miss?"
"My stomach is killing me. I have a consistent stabbing pain, but then I have these things every minute or so; they are agonizing cramps." Dr. West nodded. "Okay, is there any possible way that you could be pregnant?" Ellie looked at the doctor, then at me, then back at the doctor with big, surprised eyes.
"I can't be pregnant. I can't have kids." Dr. West nodded again, he began to look confused and nervous. "Okay." Dr. West turned to his nurse. "Go get an ultrasound machine. I want to make sure that her appendix haven't burst or something." Ellie leaned back into the pillow, still squeezing my hand.
The ultrasound machine cam in quick. Dr. West put some cold gel on Ellie's stomach and moved the wand around. The picture on the ultrasound machine made Dr. West's mouth drop.
"Ellie, I know that this may be difficult to believe, but you are having a baby, it is a girl. You're in labor." Ellie practically almost fainted. "I can't be in labor. The doctors said that it would never happen. How?" Dr. West shrugged, "I know that you have a lot of questions, let's just make sure that we get this baby here safely first." Ellie and I were in complete shock.
"We must hurry up to the maternity ward Dr. West." Dr. West agreed with the nurse. "Let's get her up there, pronto. You guys are going to be parents." The doctors and nurses all worked together to get Ellie to the maternity ward. Ellie squeezed my hand again, I squeezed it back. It was going to be a long night.
The labor process went a lot quicker than any of us ever thought it would. It is all a blur to me now; but it was all freaky to me. It was amazing though when I got to hold my baby girl for the first time; when I got to see her all snuggly and swaddled in a pink blanket.
"Do you want to cut the umbilical cord dad?" I smiled, I couldn't think straight. "Yeah…" I said dazed; I was so happy, I just couldn't explain it. I couldn't believe that Ellie and I's dream of parenthood was actually coming true.
I felt lightheaded, I felt like I was hit with complete deja vu when I had my daughter safe in my arms.
"Hi sweetie pie." I said, slowly swaying the little baby in my arms. The little one had her eyes open and was looking at me, I looked at her back. Her eyes showed no particular color yet, but the doctors said that she would probably have brown eyes, like Ellie. I handed the little girl over to her mom, Ellie was filled with happiness as well.
"Hi little lady. I am your mommy." The little girl was looking around everywhere. "Are you going to give daddy and I a run for our money?" I laughed and put a hand on Ellie's shoulder. "She is our little Christmas baby. What do you want to name her anyways Ellie? I would really like to call her something other than little girl." Ellie sighed, "I don't know. Any ideas Spencer?"
"How about Potato?"
"Potato? Why in the world would we name our daughter Potato? Spencer, you're kidding, right?" I laughed.
"Ellie, of course I am joking. I would never name my child Potato. I just wanted to joke around."
"Spencer, even though we are thirty, we still act like teenagers. How about we name her Anna?"
I looked down at the little girl, Anna suited her well. "Do you like that name for you little one? Do you want to be named Anna? Anna does mean gracious." The little girl cooed, Ellie and I decided that she liked that name.
"How about Michelle for her middle name?" Ellie nodded, she handed Anna back to me.
"Anna Michelle Reid, I love it."
As I drove through familiar roads, I thought about Anna's funeral. I knew that there was a chance that I would have to do this; but first, I thought Ellie and I would do it together, and second, parents aren't suppose to bury their kids.
"How are you going to plan Anna's funeral?" Bailey asked as she hugged her winter jacket to her chest, a single tear streaked down my cheek.
"I can't even think about that. My daughter just died. This winter weather makes my depression even worse; it is so close to Anna's sixth birthday, or would have been sixth birthday. Also, it is close to the day that I asked Ellie to marry me. So many good things have happened to me at Christmas, now, it will just be a reminder of my hole in my soul." I also thought about all the weird flashbacks that I have been having the last couple of minutes, I hope Bailey wouldn't notice my quietness.
"Spence, I am willing to help you in anyway that I possibly can. Also, I know that there is something else bothering you; spill the beans to me." I sighed, she wasn't going to let this one go.
"Thank you Bailey for offering, but no thanks. The other thing that is bothering me is that I have been having these flashbacks of all the defining moments in my life that I have had with Ellie and Anna. They feel so real, they are overwhelming to me." Bailey sighed.
"I guess that is a part of grief Spence, it is normal."
When I woke up on an early fall Saturday morning, glad that I didn't have to go back to work, I heard the sound of a soft cry and the pitter patter of feet. I sat up in bed to see my two year old daughter, Anna, at the foot of my bed. Her hair was sticking out every which way, she had her thumb sticking out of her mouth, and her favorite pink baby blanket that she called her 'blankie.' Anna's face was stained with tears.
"Daddy…" Anna whimpered as she weakly climbed onto my bed. I put her in my lap. "What is the matter kiddo? Do you feel alright?"
"I don't feel good again daddy." She said as she laid her head against my chest. I picked her up and carried her out of bed into the bathroom that we usually kept the thermometer in. I was frustrated when the thermometer showed that Anna had a fever; not again, I thought to myself.
After I gave Anna some medicine; I grabbed the phone so that I could call Anna's pediatrician, Dr. Hartman. I sat in the rocking chair in Anna's room so that I could rock her.
"Hello?" The receptionist at Dr. Hartman's said as she answered my call. "Hello, my name is Spencer Reid. My daughter, Anna Michelle, is a patient of Dr. Hartman. May I please speak with her?"
"Of course sir. Let me get her right now, hold on for one moment please." While Spencer waited, Anna fell asleep in his arms by the rocking. Spencer gently put Anna back into her crib.
"Hello Spencer. Sorry for the wait. What do you need?"
"Anna has a fever again. She keeps having the same symptoms that she has been having with her other mysterious fevers. What do you want to do? I know you said that I needed call you if she got another fever." Anna had been getting sick more frequently lately, I didn't know why. I was starting to become worried.
"I want you to go to the local children's hospital immediately, she is going to need to get some tests done. I think that there are more to these fevers than I suspected before. I will meet you guys in the emergency room."
I practically interrupted Dr. Hartman. "What do you mean there might be more to this?"
"There is a small chance that she may have cancer or some other disease. That is why I want to run tests, just to make sure." I nearly dropped the phone with fear. "Okay, I will be there as soon as possible." I hung up the phone, this was going to be a long day.
The drive to the hospital was unfun and seemed to last forever. Ellie's motherly instincts kicked in; she was worried sick. I was worried as well because Anna seemed to look sicker and sicker.
"This can't be happening to us." Ellie said as she looked out the window. She looked at the dreary, cloudy sky. I grabbed her hand.
"I can't believe that this is happening either, but it will be okay. Everything happens for a reason. We just need to stay strong for our daughter and pray that she gets better and that our suspicions are proven wrong." I look into the rearview mirror to check on Anna, she was fast asleep in her carseat; she was still clutching her pink blanket.
When we finally got to the hospital, Anna was unhappy that I had awoke her from her lovely dreams. When I took her out of her car seat, I noticed that she had bruising.
"Daddy." Anna whimpered as she weakly put her arms around me as I carried her. "I love you daddy." Anna said as we were walking into the emergency department. I clutched my hands around my daughter tighter. "I love you too Anna Banana."
When Anna looked around the waiting room and realized where we were, she started to cry. She really disliked hospitals. "Its okay Anna." I said as I comforted her. The sound of my voice calmed her a little bit, but she still wasn't too pleased to be there.
Dr. Hartman came to us the moment she saw us walk in. "Hello. How is Anna doing right now?" I sighed and showed her the bruising. "I noticed this when I got her out of the car." Dr. Hartman became nervous and lifted up Anna's shirt just a little bit so that she could look at her back, there was a great amount of bruising there as well. Dr. Hartman sighed nervously and looked at Ellie and I.
"This is a lot worse than I thought. Follow me." We followed Dr. Hartman into a room in the emergency department; I had a feeling that we were going to be there for awhile.
The night was long and torturous for us. Not long after we arrived at the emergency room, they decided to admit Anna into the children's hospital so that they could do further testing. All sorts of doctors came into Anna's room through the night to do some sort of testing. By the time midnight came around, I had lost track of how many doctors had been into Anna's room. Finally though, Dr. Hartman and an oncologist named Dr. Mia Haines came into Anna's room at five in the morning the next day; they had answers, but it didn't look like good answers by the expressions on their faces.
"Spencer, Ellie, I am Dr. Mia Haines. I am an oncologist here at the children's hospital. We got the test results all sorted through, we now have an accurate diagnosis for Anna. We need to have a chat." Ellie and I looked at each other confused.
"What is it?" I asked. Dr. Haines and Dr. Hartman both grabbed chairs and sat down with us. "Anna has Acute Myeloid Leukemia, or AML." Ellie dropped from her chair uncontrollably sobbing, our worst nightmare as parents came true; our daughter could die.
"My baby….." Ellie sobbed. I looked over at Anna, thank goodness she was peacefully sleeping and not hearing all of this craziness.
"I am so sorry about this horrible thing, but I promise you one thing. We will make sure that your daughter will get very good treatment here." Dr. Haines and Dr. Hartman said as they left to give us some privacy time and time to sort our thinking out. I put my arms around Ellie and started rocking her back and forth.
"It will be fine. I promise you that. It will all work out." I became heartbroken when I realized that Ellie had cried herself to sleep in my arms.
Anna had a port inserted into her chest immediately so that they could start chemotherapy immediately; they thought that Anna's case was severe. They wanted to start fighting the cancer as soon as they could.
Anna was not too gratified when she had to get more needle sticks, especially when they had to access her port. She called her port her button. Ellie and I practically were holding our frightened, crying child the first night of all of the procedures; but Anna became less fearful after about a day.
After Anna received her first chemotherapy treatment and had started to feel somewhat better, using the term better very loosely; she had gotten discharged from the hospital, for the time being.
When we got home, everyone was exhausted; we all took a needed nap.
The next morning after we got home from the hospital, I woke up to the sound of pitter pattering of small feet again. I sat up in bed, panicked that Anna was extremely sick or something. When I sat up though, I just saw weepy looking Anna standing at the foot of my bed, with only parts of hair sticking out all over the place. Some of her hair had started to fall out though, and it continued to fall out quickly.
"Daddy, why is it happening so soon? The doctors told me that it wouldn't happen this quick." Anna asked me with a frown on her face; that frown made me feel like the most guilty, horrible parent on this earth. There was nothing that I could ever do to stop her pain; I felt helpless. "I don't know Anna." I said as I sat her on my lap to cuddle.
When we finally pulled into the driveway of my medium sized colonial style house, I broke down again. I was practically hyperventilating.
"Oh Spencer…." Bailey said as she put a comforting arm around my shoulder.
"It's so unfair Bailey. This world is just so unfair, cruel, and confusing to me anymore. For some silly reason, I thought I would be able to pinch myself and wake up from this horrible nightmare. I thought that when I came home, that Ellie and Anna would be here, waiting for me like they always did everyday. It is so empty though, and it always will be; my heart, my soul, my house, my life. It is like a never ending horrible joke, Anna and Ellie are never coming back." Bailey tried to shush my weeping, my crying. I sighed through my rough breathing.
"My worst fear is coming true Bailey, my ultimate fear of being alone in this world." Bailey thought for a moment.
"Spencer, we are going to my house. Honey, I don't think that you are ready to go back here, not quite yet. I know that you are probably going to tell me that I am not your mother, but as when of your best friends, I am saying that this is probably the best thing for you right now." I sighed, she had a good point.
"Okay, let's go. You're driving though."
Two Nights Later
When I finally decided to go back home, I felt depressed. I was going home to a completely empty house, all alone. My grief is worse than before, no better. I still haven't even planned Anna's funeral yet.
When I walked into my kitchen, which was close to the living room, to get a very needed stress relieving glass of wine, I was surprised to see Ellie sitting on the couch of the living room. She was looking at a photo album, particularly, she was looking at the photo that I took of her the day we met. I must have accidently sat it on the counter when I got stuff for Bailey's house. Ellie was crying.
"Spencer…"
"Ellie?" I had a tear in my eye.
"Spencer, I know that you probably don't want to face me, but I want to make things right. I know I betrayed you severely. I know that I betrayed the pact that we had to never leave each other alone. I left when you needed me most. We are married, we are supposed to be there for each other for better or for worse. I am so sorry that I ripped your heart to shreds. I am sorry that I left you to deal with grief alone. I am sorry that I blamed you for the reason that the greatest thing that ever happened to us died; we couldn't control her cancer. I didn't know what I was thinking when I stormed out and just left. I didn't think my actions through, and now I am going to have to pay. I guess the thing that makes me angry is why people always keep leaving in my life. First, my parents, second, my daughter. Spencer, I almost left you though. I don't know if you want to forgive me or not. If you never want to see me again, I totally understand." Ellie holded a bouquet of flowers out for me. I broke down happily sobbing into Ellie's arms.
"I will forgive you. Just don't ever leave me again." I guess then I realized that I may still believe in fairy tales and happy endings. It may seem like the end, but it is only the beginning.
Three Days Later
Anna's Funeral
When Ellie and I woke up, we knew that today was going to be the longest, grueling day of our lives; we were going to bury our child. Today was our final chance to say our final goodbyes.
As I put on my suit, as I tied my tie, I thought of all of the ways that I was going to wear this suit. I was going to wear it when Anna graduated, when she got married. I guess that I will never get the chance to though.
As I got around, Ellie went into Anna's bedroom. The pink room that once occupied a happy, bright little girl was now dull and sad. It just was so empty going inside. Ellie saw Anna's blanket and picked it up, she thought about how she wanted to bury it with Anna. Ellie carried the blanket to me.
"Spence, I think that this is one of the last things that we should put in her casket, besides the book and a family picture of us." I sighed sadly looking at Anna's blanket, "I want to too." I couldn't cry anymore, my body ran out of tears to cry. Now, it just physically hurts all over my body.
Ellie looked nice, she had a black, long-sleeved, lace dress. The only thing that wasn't pretty about it was the fact that she had to buy it for our daughter's funeral, that's what made me sad.
When we got to the church where the funeral would be held, it was so quiet and peaceful. The first thing I did was go up to my daughter's casket; even though I seen her during the visitation yesterday. I looked at my daughter's beautiful face. I grabbed one of her small hands and started to sob.
"I can't believe that she is really gone…" Ellie walked up to me. "Honey, she isn't in any pain anymore. She isn't sick anymore, she is healthy now." I pulled myself together, I felt like I have had to do that a lot lately.
"I try not to miss her, but then I think that she is my daughter, and that would be beyond stupid if I didn't miss her." Ellie put the nicely folded pink blanket into Anna's casket gently.
"This is so you feel safe even if you don't have mommy or daddy around." Ellie said in an above whisper tone. Ellie and I just sat around talking to people during the one hour miniature visitation.
The visitation ended quickly, it was time for the horrible part; they were getting ready to close Anna's casket. "This is it, my last goodbye." I sobbed. Ellie and I walked together, arms around each other, to where our daughter was peacefully sitting in her casket; she almost looked like she was sleeping.
I grabbed onto Anna's hand, "Daddy loves you Anna Bug." I felt sad when I didn't hear one of Anna's silly responses. "Daddy will miss you so bad."
Ellie talked to Anna as well. "It won't be the same Anna. You made daddy and I into who we are today." Ellie and I cried at our daughter's casket until the people at the funeral home told us that it was time, time to shut the casket.
The people from the funeral home took us to a different spot as they shut the cast. Ellie and I sobbed into each other's arms.
"I never get to cuddle or hold my baby anymore." I sobbed too, I will never see Anna again.
After they closed the casket, the funeral officially began. It was emotionally gruesome and tragic for me, as well for Ellie. As I sat, I thought about the last time that I saw Anna alive and breathing.
It was normal for Anna to have frequent hospital trips after her leukemia worsened. This hospital visit was different though. Her oncologist, Dr. Haines, realized that there was nothing else that they could do for Anna sadly. I gave her permission to stop all of her chemotherapy and treatments. Days before, Ellie and I talked about this, but when she heard about it that night, she became outraged. She took me by the hand out of Anna's hospital room so that Anna wouldn't hear our altercation.
"What are you doing Spencer! We are killing her! Do you want your daughter to die, because if we do this, there is a one hundred percent guarantee that it will happen. We need to keep her alive for surgery!" I threw my hands up.
"Surgery? You think that our daughter will make it through more surgeries? What kind of surgery do you think that they could possibly do? We have already sliced up our innocent little girl like a vegetable trying plans A through Z to try and get her cancer into remission. I know Ellie, as her mother, how you are feeling; you don't want to give up hope. You want to know that you never lost hope, but you're not seeing it. She's ready. She knows that it is time to go."
Ellie started to cry. She knew that what Spencer said was right. She was so blindsided by everything that has been going on that she hasn't paid attention to her daughter who has been suffering. She knew it was the right thing to do; that doesn't mean that it was the easiest.
After two days of Anna being on no cancer treatments whatsoever, her medical condition started deteriorating; it started to deteriorate very fast. She was pale and weak. Dr. Haines came into Anna's room to talk to me.
"We are still giving her medications that will make her more comfortable. How is she doing right now?" I shrugged sadly, "She is definitely worn down. She is sleeping a lot more lately." Dr. Haines frowned and shook her head.
"Yeah, that sounds pretty normal. It won't be much longer Spencer, and Ellie need to enjoy the time that you have with your daughter." I frowned and sighed. "Thank you doctor."
After the doctor left, sleeping Anna started to move around in her bed. "Hi daddy." She rasped. I kissed her on her forehead and held her hand. "Hey pumpkin."
"Thank you for taking all of the needles out of me; thank you for not giving me the yucky medicine that makes me sick." I sadly smiled. " You're so very welcome Annabella. I love you so much." Anna smiled weakly. "I love you too daddy. Remember, if there ever comes a time that we will be apart, remember that we will always be in each others' hearts." I feel like Anna was trying to tell me something then, only something that she knew was going to happen.
"Daddy, how much longer?" I thought about how I was suppose to answer that. "Not much Anna." I said as I looked into her eyes. When I looked into Anna's eyes; I saw strength, wisdom, and happiness, more than there was in most adults' eyes.
Anna noticed how sad I was. "Daddy, it will be okay." That statement made me frown even worse; in the inside and the outside. I held my tears in though, for Anna.
"Daddy, can I talk to mama alone? It's not that I don't love you or anything, but I feel like I need to talk to mommy alone." I became surprised, but I respected Anna's wishes. I kissed her and hugged her tight, I didn't know how many of those I had left.
When I walked out, I found Ellie sitting next to the door. She was looking at her photo album on her phone; there were many family photos of the three of us. "Ellie, Anna wants to talk to you, alone." Ellie got on her feet and walked into the room as I took her spot on the floor. I felt like I was going to cry and hyperventilate, but my body would not let me let go.
It seemed quiet in Anna's room until the silence was broken when a machine started to beep. Ellie started crying hysterically. Doctors rushed in, but they stopped mournfully as they realized what finally happened; Anna had finally lost her battle with cancer.
"Spencer, she's gone!" Ellie sobbed. "I was right. If we would have never stopped the chemo treatment, she would still be alive. You wanted this; it is all your fault!" Ellie sobbed as she ran out of the room. I have never felt so awful and guilty in my entire life. Anna's body just gave up, her heart just stopped beating.
Once the funeral was finished, it was time to go to the cemetery. Ellie and I got into our car, we were first in the line of many cars.
"What did Anna tell you?" Ellie looked at me confused. "What do you mean Spencer?" Ellie wiped her eye, she knew what I was talking about. "In the hospital, when she wanted to talk to you alone."
"She told me that she was sorry. She was sorry that she didn't put up a fight longer. She made me promise that we would try to move on and not dwell after she died. She told me to always watch you and make sure that you were okay. She told me that she loved me and that she would always be watching over us. I guess after that, she felt at peace; then she just slipped away peacefully."
The drive to the cemetery was silent. Neither Ellie or I wanted to talk; there was nothing to say.
Once we got to the cemetery, Ellie, I, Dr. Haines, Dr. Hartman, Anna's aunt Katrina, and Bailey carried Anna's casket.
After we put Anna's casket on the stand, I admired the pink, purple, blue, and green daisies that we picked out for Anna's flowers. All of us, Anna's family, sat in the first row of chairs. The thing that would hurt me most is next, I have to speak.
Once it was my turn, I got up out of my chair; my legs felt as if they were jello, ready to fall apart any minute. I walked up in front of everyone, and took a deep breath in.
"Hello, my name is Spencer. I was Anna's father, still am actually. I don't know what to say exactly. I know one thing, I am extremely blessed. Even though this horrible tragedy has struck, I was blessed to have a sweet, loving girl for five years. Goodness, I wish Anna got more. John Green did say though, 'The world is not a wish granting factory.' The world is such a cruel, unfair, and confusing place. Until the day I die, I will never understand why my daughter had to die. I know that death is a part of life, but it is unfair that nobody will ever get to hear my daughter's contagious belly life. It is unfair that my daughter had to go through so much pain, only starting at two years old. She took it like a trooper though. I guess God does have a plan for everyone, and this one just happened to be Anna's. I know something else for a fact, Anna grew up beyond her years. She had too, she couldn't of faced what she did face being immature. She was a trooper, she was braver than I ever was. I feel so empty without her here, but I love her and know that she is in a better place. She will be missed."
Leaving the cemetery was hard for Ellie and I; I felt like I was leaving my child all alone in a dark, lonely, and scary place. Ellie started sobbing.
"Are you okay honey?" I asked as I put my arm around her as we walked to the car.
"No, I am just so angry. I am so angry that I could punch something. I could punch something so hard. I just want to make somebody feel as bad as I feel. I want to know why all this crap had to happen. I want to know why Anna had to live the cancer life, she didn't get to do all of the fun stuff like normal kids. I want to know why."
One Year Later
Epilogue
It has been a year since we have lost Anna. I sat at her tombstone underneath a shady, beautiful willow tree still wondering why. I still am confused a year later why my daughter's life ended at only five years old.
"Give me a sign that you're alright Anna, please." I practically was begging. While I sat in the long, luscious grass, Ellie surprised me by coming over and sitting next to me.
"I can't believe that she has been gone. I know that it has been past a year, since she died last winter and it is now spring, but I still feel empty and sad. I miss her being around all of the time." I sighed sadly.
"I know, I still feel like it isn't any easier. It is difficult everyday to cope with it."
Ellie put her arm around my shoulder. "I know that lately we have both been pretty sad, so I thought that I would give us a present that could brighten our day a little bit." Ellie pulled out a box that was tall and a bit wide. I opened it apprehensively, scared of what might be inside the mysterious box. I was stunned with happiness though when I saw a baby bottle with a pregnancy test inside.
"Open it silly." Ellie said. I opened up the bottle and looked at the pregnancy test, it was positive. "Guess what, we're having not just one baby, but twins." I became even more happier, I hugged Ellie to death.
"I love you so much." I said to Ellie, I looked up. "Thank you for the sign Anna, thank you. Now we get to be a family of five." Ellie and I sat, still hugging each other, more excited than ever.
'