The pale pink envelope lay innocently against the glossy surface of the piano, looking modest but yet yelling at you to pick it up. How they knew something was wrong when they saw it was a mystery, but that little perfumed letter sent chills down every member of the Glee clubs spines, well, all but one.
Walking into an empty room for glee practice just wasn't something anyone was used to. Rachel was always there, plunking notes at the piano, going over sheet music, or practicing moves. She was always there, and she was always doing something. Now there was just a little pink envelope.
Mercedes was the one to open it. She peeled away the gold star holding it closed and unfolded the note inside, reading out loud to the rest of glee.
Dear Glee,
I don't really know how to articulate what I'm feeling, which is abnormal for me, because I know how to say everything. I'll just get to the point. No one likes me. Glee was great for you guys, it let you do things you wouldn't normally do, it helped you make friends, and come out of your shells. I still don't have friends. You guys hate me just as much as every jock or cheerleader who's slushied me, you're just better people and don't take it out physically. I know who I am. I know I talk to much, I'm loud, I'm bossy, I think too much of myself. I know that I'm always hogging the spotlight and singing the loudest. But you don't understand, I need to. It's all I have.
I want to be liked, but I don't want to change to do it. So I looked though myself, and thought, 'What about me do people like?'. My voice and… that's about it. So I blew it up. I fed it and fed it until it took over everything in my life, and it was okay, because when I sung, people forgot how obsessive I am, and how much they want to brutally murder me. I forgot too, I just open my mouth and sing. You guys tolerate me, because you think you can't win without me. The only person (other then my dads) who ever showed even the slightest shadow that they truly cared about me was Finn. And that's probably why I had such a pathetic crush on him for so long. And that, just like everything else in my life, was never going anywhere.
I know none of you cared for me, but I want you to know that I cared about you. Every one of you. You are all strong and great people who have been fighting your own internal battles. You're talented too, and now that we've qualified for regional's, Glee will go on. Despite what you think, you don't need me to win.
I'm good at pretending, I've pretended my whole life, playing a giant, grotesque game of imagination with fate. Mostly, I dream of flying. My entire life I've been hanging on the edge of a building, trying not to fall. But I'm done fighting. Sometimes, people have to change or die, and there was a limit to how much I could change. I'm going to jump off that edge. And I'll close my eyes, and pretend I'm flying, one last time.
Goodbye, I love you all.
Rachel.
PS. Please tell my dads to look in my left desk drawer. I left them a note.
There was a few moments of dazed silence.
And then..."Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…" Finn chanted like a mantra, over and over, rocking backwards and forwards.
"This is crazy!" Puck yelled angrily at no one in particular. He punched the wall next to him. "I mean, Berry? Killing her self? She's freaking in love with herself! It just doesn't make any sense!"
"It makes perfect sense." Tina whispered, her dark eyes were staring blankly at the wall over Pucks shoulder. "We all wear masks, don't we? Hers was just more convincing then the rest."
"What the hell are we going to do?" Mercedes yelled, her voiced panicked.
Quinn looked up, her blond hair sticking to her wet cheeks. "Do?" She asked "What can we do? Mercedes, do you understand that she just killed herself?"
"Who says she's already done it?"
"Even if she hadn't… you know, yet" Artie started "How do we know where she is?"
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."
"Finn! That's not helping" Kurt spoke with the most venom anyone had ever heard him speak with. "She says she's going to jump. We live in Lima for god's sake, how many places are high enough for the fall to kill you?"
"She meant that metaphorically, Kurt." Artie said, with more force then was necessary.
"It's our best bet. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not about to sit back and let her throw her life away."
Kurt turned around and marched out.
"Where are you going?"
"The school roof."
And they ran after him, a frenzied march of mismatched outcasts on a mission.
***
Rachel looked down. It had never seemed so high before, and a part of her wanted to turn tail and run. But run to what? To that constant ache inside of her that made her want to bang her head against the table until she bled? To those cold friendless nights where she would try to say her prayers, but find that she didn't have anything to thank god for? To looking in the mirror and hating the girl she saw there with more passion then she had ever felt? There was nothing for her here, so why not go somewhere else?
And who said death was painful? To her, it sounded like liberation. No more pain, no more hating, just freedom.
So why was this so hard?
Faces flashed through her mind. Her dads… They had loved her, this wasn't their fault. She was their little angel, their baby. But she couldn't be flawless for them anymore. Other faces flickered. Finn, Tina, Kurt, Puck, Artie…
No. Not them. They didn't care, they weren't her friends. But still more… Mercedes, Quinn, Brittney, Santana, even Mike and Matt. She couldn't think of them. She was so close to getting her freedom, and she wouldn't give it up for people who never cared about her.
She bit her lip, her teeth sinking into the soft flesh until she could taste the blood in her mouth, warm and metallic. She shuffled forward, closer to the edge… just a little closer…
"Rachel!"
She turned to see Mercedes standing there, bending over to catch her breath. "You guys, she's here!" she jogged over to Rachel and pulled her violently away from the edge. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she yelled, glaring at her furiously. Kurt appeared near the staircase, his hair looking more disheveled then anyone thought it could, and his face flushed a blotchy shade of maroon. Tina was next, then Puck, Finn, Mike, Matt, Santana, Brittney and finally, with one hand supporting her back, Quinn.
"Do you have any idea," she huffed, "how bad this much stress is for the baby?"
Tina picked up her phone and dialed a number, putting it on speaker phone. "Artie? You don't need to wheel the Cheerio's giant trampoline out. We found her."
"Oh thank god!" Arties electronic voice said through the phone.
Finn ran over to Rachel and pulled her into a huge bear hug, crushing her ribs painfully. He smelt of sweat and was all clammy, but she didn't mind, because with her face hidden in Finns oversized t-shirt, no one could see her crying.
Apparently they could hear her though. "Rachel…" Kurt said, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"You're psychotic."
Puck glared at him. "What the hell are you doing, fag? She just tried to kill herself!"
Kurt ignored him and kept talking. "You're completely crazy, and bossy. But that's just you, and no matter how annoying you get, at the end of the day you are our friend, and we care about you."
Quinn took another step towards her. "For what it's worth, I'm pregnant, Finn's girlfriend slept with his best friend, Puck's that best friend, Kurt's gay, Mercedes is freaky,"
"hey!"
Quinn ignored her and went on. "Tina's been faking a stutter for two years, Santana can't live unless she's insulting someone, Brittney thinks the square root of four is rainbows…"
"I'm in a wheel chair!" Artie yelled though the phone.
"Yeah, and Mike and Matt are just… Mike and Matt" Quinn finished, ticking them off with her fingers. "If you think about it, we're all messed up. At least we can be messed up together."
Rachel choked a watery laugh and pulled herself away from Finn. "Being stupid." she muttered. Tina squeezed her shoulder. "No you're not."
"Yes she is!" protested Kurt. "Now lets get down form here."
"I want to be there for the group hug!" Arties voice rang from Tina's phone.
Rachel gave a wet smile and wiped her eyes on her shirt.
"Seriously, can we go back down? This is making me nervous"
And so they trooped back down the stairs.
Sometimes, years later, they would be on the top floor, and look at that last flight of stairs and shiver. Because they came so close, too close, to loosing her.