A/N : This will probably make more sense if you've seen the British version of this game show ... if not, then hey, read it anyway!
BLIND DATE WITH A TWIST
(Theme music)
Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Blind Date! And here is your host, miss Cilla Black!
Cilla: Hello everyone, and welcome to the show! In a moment, we'll be finding out who the lucky girl is who'll be choosing between these three gorgeous fellas! Come in, the boys!
( Harry, Draco, and Nearly Headless Nick enter and sit on the stools)
Cilla: Hello number 1, what's your name and where do you come from?
Harry: Hi Cilla, my name's Harry and I'm from Surrey!
(Audience cheers)
Cilla: And I hear you're a bit of a celebrity, Harry.
Harry: That's right, I've defeated Voldemort on three separate occasions! He may be more powerful than ever now ... but that's beside the point ...
Cilla: Quite right, love. Enjoy Blind Date. Now let's meet number 2! What's your name and where do you come from?
Draco: Hello Cilla, my name's Draco and I'm from Hampshire.
(Audience cheers)
Cilla: And I hear you're very rich, Draco.
Draco: Indeed. My father owns more galleons than the Spanish Armada! Ha ha ha, aren't I drole.
Cilla: Ooh, very ... and we all love a man with money, don't we, girls?
(Women in audience cheer)
Cilla: Enjoy Blind Date, number 2. Now let's meet number 3 ... what's your name and where do you come from?
Nick: Hello Cilla, my name's Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington and I'm from Hogwarts!
(Audience cheer)
Cilla: And you're a ghost, is that right?
Nick: I am somewhat dead, yes.
Cilla: Oh well, I'm sure that won't matter to our gorgeous girl. Enjoy Blind Date, number 3.
(Audience applause)
Cilla: And now it's time to meet the lucky lady ... her name's Hermione and she's from Cheshire! Come in, Hermione!
(Hermione walks down the stairs, dressed in her Yule Ball outfit, to audience applause.)
Cilla: Hello, Hermione.
Hermione: Hi, Cilla!
Cilla: And how are you this evening?
Hermione: Well, my cat's run away, my parents are splitting up, and I crashed my car on the way to the studio and it had to be written off, but apart from that, not too bad, yeah.
Cilla: That's brilliant. Now, Hermione, you can't see our three contestants, and your going to ask each of them three questions, in order to decide which of them you'll be going on a date with. Have you got your questions ready?
Hermione: I have. Hello, boys!
Harry/Draco/Nick: Hi, Hermione!
Hermione: First question ... I believe myself to be the only person in the history of Hogwarts to have read 'Hogwarts: A History', but I won't consider choosing you unless you can prove that you know at least one important fact from the history of the school. Name one. That goes to number 1.
Harry: Well, Hermione, like you, I spend a lot of time in the library, but if you pick me tonight, there'll be no time for reading when we're together!
Audience: Woooooo!
Hermione: (Crossly) That wasn't the sort of answer I was expecting.
Cilla: Errr ... have you ever actually *seen* this gameshow?
Hermione: (Ignores her) Same question to number 2.
Draco: I know that there were four Hogwarts founders, but if you pick me tonight, Hermione, I can prove that it just takes two.
Audience: Wooooo!
Hermione: Will you lot put a sock in it? Anyway, same question to number 3.
Nick: I can remember over 500 years of Hogwarts history, and if you pick me tonight, Hermione, I can talk you through it over a romantic dinner. After that, who knows what the future holds?
Audience: W-
Hermione: I thought I told you, SHUT IT!
(Audience all give each other nervous looks, then disappear quietly through the fire exit.)
Hermione: All right. Here's my second question. I just asked you a perfectly innocent question, and yet you responded to it with a suggestive comment. How do you justify yourself? That goes to number 1.
Harry: But ... that's not the question on the card!
Hermione: So what? It's a question, and you'd better bloody well answer! Well?
Harry: Err ... yeah ... I really like you Hermione ... um ... yeah ...
Hermione: Same question to number 2, please.
Draco: It sounds like you regret coming on the show tonight, Hermione, but I can assure you that you won't regret choosing me!
Hermione: If you say so. Same question to number 3.
Nick: Hermione, my only justification is that I am an old romantic, with an extensive interest in the History of Hogwarts, and Arithmancy.
Hermione. I think I've heard enough. Can I make my decision now?
Cilla: Of course...
Hermione: I choose -
Cilla: ...and here's our Graham with a quick recap!
Graham: Will it be number 1, who would like to spend some time in the library with you? Or smooth talking number 2, who assures you you'll have no regrets? Or perhaps knowledgeable number 3, who can't wait to talk to you about Arithmancy. The decision is yours!
Hermione: I choose number 3.
Cilla: Congratulations, Hermione! But what about the two that you turned down? You turned down number 1, and that was our Harry from Surrey! Come in, Harry!
(Harry walks past the screen.)
Hermione: Harry! Wait! Harry ...
Cilla: You also turned down number 2, and that was our Draco from Hampshire! Come in, Draco!
(Draco walks past the screen, and grimaces at Hermione. She scowls.)
Cilla: But you chose number three, and that was our Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington from Hogwarts! Come in, Nicholas!
(The screen goes back, and Nicholas is revealed. Hermione raises an eyebrow as he offers her a bouquet of wilted dandelions.)
Cilla: Oh, don't they make a lovely couple, ladies and gentlemen ... ladies and gentlemen? Oh well, we appear to have lost our audience, but they still make a lovely couple. Now, who's going to choose the date?
Nick: Ladies first!
Hermione: Don't be so patronising! Okay, I'll choose.
(She takes an envelope and opens it.)
Hermione: A date in Siberia?!!!
Cilla: Yes, you two will be jetting off to the unspoilt wilderness of Outer Siberia, where ...
Hermione: It's only a wilderness because no-one in their right mind would go there! What would you do if we both came back with frostbite? Well, just me, actually, seeing as Nick can't really get frostbite, but still ...
Cilla: (Interrupts) Well, I hope you two have a lovely time on your date. Ladies and gentlemen, Hermione and Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington!
(The camera crew clap.)
Cilla: Now it's time to find out how Ron and Myrtle got on last week on their date to Lithuania.
(She goes and sits on a big red seat opposite Ron and Moaning Myrtle.)
Cilla: So, tell me, did you enjoy yourselves?
Ron: Yes!
Myrtle: No!
Cilla: Ooh, a difference of opinion there ... lets find out how you got on.
(A video starts, showing alternate clips of Ron and Moaning Myrtle discussing the date.)
Myrtle: When the screen went back and I first saw Ron, I was really disappointed ... I'd been hoping for Harry Potter.
Ron: When the screen went back and I first saw Myrtle, I thought, oh, great. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.
Myrtle: On the plane, Ron kept telling rude jokes that weren't funny, and once he put my hand right through my arm. He says it was an accident, but I wouldn't trust someone with those eyebrows.
Ron: On the plane, having thought about it for a bit, I decided, perhaps this isn't so bad ... I mean, Myrtle does have quite a nice figure ...
Myrtle: When we got to Lithuania, I hated it on sight. All the signs were in some strange language, and Ron kept showing off and boasting, and I just wanted to go home.
Ron: Lithuania really is a beautiful and romantic country. I could read all the signs, since Charlie had taught the language to me after studying dragons in Lithuania, and Myrtle was really impressed.
Myrtle: We went out to dinner one night in some restaurant, and the food was disgusting, even from what I could taste, and Ron kept making really insensitive comments me being dead, until I felt like crying.
Ron: We went out for a meal, and it was delicious. I discussed with Myrtle how delicious the food was, and how subtle it tasted, and how I felt lucky to be alive on a day like this, and I could tell she was really moved.
Myrtle: I really can't stand Ron. One night he came to my room and tried to kiss me! I was speechless, and I fled and hid in the toilet. I think he's disgusting and slimy, and I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.
Ron: The night I realised I was in love with Myrtle, I crept into her room and we kissed - Myrtle was so enraptured that she couldn't even speak. I think she's beautiful.
Myrtle: If I never see Ron again, it will be too soon!
Ron: Of course we'll be seeing each other again, hopefully on a regular basis.
(Video ends.)
(Back in the studio, Ron is staring gobsmacked at Myrtle.)
Ron: So ... you didn't love me?
Myrtle: Of course not, you toad!
Ron: Well, you could at least have broken it to me gently! My heart is breaking, Myrtle ...
Hermione: Ron, you don't seriously mean to say you have feelings for that ghost?
Ron: Maybe I do.
Hermione: But I love you, Ron!
Harry: *Him?* You're supposed to be in love with *me*!
Nick: May I point out that *I'm* the one she's supposed to be going on a date with?
Draco: But I'm the one with pots of money.
Myrtle: *I* love you, Harry!
(Myrtle throws herself on Harry, Harry throws himself on Hermione, Hermione throws herself on Ron, and Ron throws himself on Myrtle. Nick and Draco stand back and watch the struggle that ensues, then shrug and join in.)
Cilla: (To camera crew) Someone call an ambulance ... (turns to the camera) We're going to take a short break right now, but we'll be back to see how Minerva and Severus got on on their date, and find out whether Neville will choose Pansy, Millicent or Mrs Norris. Don't go away!
(Theme music)
THE END!