He's perfect for you. When you laugh, he is always the reason behind it. If you cry, he'll always be there to pick up the pieces. When you lay there, alone in the night, he is always the last thing on your mind. Then you drift into a dream-filled sleep; dreams that are always about him. It's always about him. Always, now and forever. His eyes are the orbs you find yourself lost in. His smile is the one you want to see for the rest of your life. His wish is your command. You love him, more than you love yourself. But he doesn't love you that way.
I know a secret, a dark secret I've kept to myself. He has another, as well as you. He has me too. He leads you to your room every night, leaves you at the door after a kiss. That kiss held emotion once. Now it holds nothing but broken promises. Still you don't notice, after all this time. He visits me then, when you're asleep. He hurts me; he hurts me in ways that I enjoy. I know it's wrong, but I can't bring myself to stop. He is your reason for living, but he is my drug. One day the supply will run out, one day the withdrawal will come crashing down, but until that day, I'll keep myself satisfied.
I'm a disgusting person. He tells me that every night. Well, every night that he's not with you. He tells me that this is wrong, that I am wrong for not putting an end to this. He says that I should tell you and I know he's right. But I don't. I beg him and urge him on. I want more when I should want less. I ought to tell the truth, revel in his downfall. That's not possible. I do nothing but reflect on what I should do. Even now, I'm telling this to a sheet of paper you'll never see. I want him, more than I've wanted anyone before. And now I've got him. But you want him too. You need him. He is your world. I know this too. Nonetheless, I visit this world every night and stay for a while before departing, leaving no evidence that I was ever there.
One day you'll find out. But you'll forgive him. I'll get the blame. I understand it all. Still I do not stop. Because I am who I am. I am a horrible, selfish person, tainted in the worst way. The white cloth I wear is a lie, the most contradictory lie out there. Yet, I continue, carry it on. I need you to know that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but addiction is a strong force to fight. I'm not strong enough. For that, I apologise, Matt. Mello is your sunshine, the highlight of your life. And I'm taking rays away each day, taking a pocketful of light to keep for myself, hoping to have my own sun. But I only have the moon, beautiful, but dark and unreachable. He belongs to you, you belong to him. It has always been this way and, no matter how I try, I can't change that. But I won't give up. I'll struggle every day. And it is for this reason that I am sorry, Matt. But Mello has taken my heart and my soul. He is my obsession, my craving, and giving him up is not part of my plan.
I'm sorry – Near