Warnings: Plot spoilers and yaoi. Possibly some bad puns.
Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't mean any harm, not making any money.
Chapter 1They kissed and then they lived happily ever after. The end.
'Yeah, right! Stupid happy endings,' Iruka thought bitterly. The brunette sighed in frustration. Ahead of him, Kakashi ambled through the dense woods as if the thorny vines, poison ivy, and pointy foliage simply moved out of his way. Iruka, on the other hand, tromped behind, glaring at Kakashi's bony ass, quite positive that every vine with thorns within a ten-mile radius was moving in order to slap him in the face.
"Quit pushing branches back like that! They're smacking me!" Iruka spat irritably. Kakashi didn't stop walking – didn't even pause or immediately apologize for being inconsiderate like a proper boyfriend should.
"You're trailing me too closely and making too much noise with your whining," Kakashi replied in his 'I'm-an-irritated-genius' voice. Iruka had heard that tone far too often lately. Normally he wouldn't have been so petty, but Kakashi was just asking for a scolding.
"Don't take that tone with me you inconsiderate—"
"What's that? Can't hear anything over your whining," Kakashi rudely cut him off.
'Oh. Oh that's it! I'm going to hit him,' Iruka thought violently. He could feel his temper building like pressure in a volcano. He stumbled over a medium sized rock, grunted, and fell hard on his knee. He let out a pained, frustrated noise.
Kakashi stopped. He knew, in his genius brain, that life had presented him with a choice. One option was to treat Iruka as he would if they were still in Konoha. He would help him up, tease him lightly, and offer to kiss his hurt away.
But they weren't in Konoha. They had been assigned an important mission, and because the Hokage must have been drunk when she was finishing up her paperwork, she'd thought it would be a great idea to put himself, Gai, and Iruka on a mission together. Her reasoning had been that Iruka was growing soft and that his skill with children would come in handy later in the mission. God only knew why Gai was there.
And because they were on said mission, Kakashi should treat Iruka like one of his soldiers.
This led to frustration, because Iruka was quite possibly the worst ninja ever.
He whined. He was rusty. He was not accustomed to hard exercise. Worst of all, Iruka questioned the team leader (himself) about everything. Thinking about the facts made his decision clear. Heck, if it had been Naruto behaving so badly, he would have used his handy 'Thousand Years of Pain' technique right up his backside.
"Pay attention to your surroundings! Isn't that what you teach your brats?" Kakashi asked sharply. Eventually Iruka would fall back into mission-mode. He just had to be stern and a little cold to hammer the point home that they were in different surroundings and Iruka would have to shape up if –
THUNK!
Iruka grinned devilishly as the pinecone he threw connected with Kakashi's head. That made him turn around. Stupid jerk.
"Did you just throw that pinecone at me, Iruka?" Kakashi asked, almost disbelieving – completely calm looking except for the way his fist kept clenching, itching to use a jutsu on Iruka in a place that would teach him why throwing things at a Jonin was a bad idea.
"Yes, and you DESERVED it! Naruto's always saying what a lazy asshole you are on missions, and I thought he was just exaggerating, but I can see now that you have a side you haven't been showing me! Did it ever occur to you that I might not be able to focus on my surroundings because I'm getting a little tired after walking for two days solid, carrying everyone's crap, and itching all over from some STUPID bush that I got tangled in about six hours back when YOU wouldn't let us stop for me to put something on the scratches?" Iruka was fuming. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides and his tan face was an angry shade of red.
Kakashi knew his boyfriend had a temper. Occasionally, the sweet, naïve, loving man he banged regularly turned into a raging, senseless, illogical angry thing that probably fed on the blood of small, innocent forest animals. During the three, happy months they'd been dating back in Konoha, Kakashi had only seen the beast emerge once when Iruka had caught Naruto spying on girls at the hot springs during a weekend getaway.
It had been funny then, because he wasn't the one in trouble. Now it was a different story.
For the millionth time, Kakashi cursed Tsunade for assigning him the task of 'toughening up' Iruka. Although it was not his style to abandon a mission, he was starting to think the task he'd been given was impossible. If he still wanted to have a boyfriend after the damn mission, and he did want things to go back to the wonderful way they'd been before, then he'd have to change tactics with Iruka.
Calmly, as if approaching a wild animal, Kakashi inched closer to the fuming man. Iruka glared at him hotly, as if warning him that he'd loose a limb if it got too close.
"Baby," he began pleadingly.
"Don't you 'baby' me! You know what? I don't want to hear it. Just go. Walk. Do whatever you feel like you need to do, Kakashi." Iruka's temper seemed to have vanished.
Kakashi was a good ninja, and he could spot a trap – no matter how well it was hidden. Iruka wanted him to do something specific and if he didn't do just the right thing, Iruka's earlier little outburst would seem like a mild scolding by comparison. It might even turn into their first real, serious argument.
Kakashi sighed. That thought scared him.
"We can't stop until nightfall if we're going to make good time, Iruka. As it is, I let you take enough bathroom breaks and snack breaks in the beginning that we should really just skip sleeping tonight altogether. I hope you understand how much I'm slowing the pace to accommodate you. I am making exceptions, but part of this mission is getting you back in shape. You can understand that, right?" Kakashi was proud of himself. Usually, he was never so good at expressing himself to Iruka. That had been a logical, caring, and straightforward explanation of the situation.
Iruka flashed him an over-the-top fake smile.
"It's fine, Kakashi. Perfectly fine. Just go on ahead."
Kakashi winced on the inside. That didn't sound very sincere. Still, Iruka hadn't exploded on him. He turned around and continued walking, searching for signs that someone had came through the forest carrying a hostage. They walked in blissful silence for a few moments, during which Kakashi foolishly started to think that his unorthodox method of explaining his actions had actually worked, before Iruka spoke up.
"You would never cheat on me while you are away from Konoha, right?" Iruka asked. Kakashi turned around quickly, distracted yet again.
"Of course not, Iruka," he replied honestly and seriously. Iruka smirked.
"Then it's a good thing you're already accustomed to not getting any sex on missions," Iruka replied, his smirk broadening into a malicious smile. Kakashi gaped, glared, then stomped off in silent anger.
Behind him, and growing further behind with every second, Iruka felt his anger drain away and his reason return.
He'd had his first real fight with Kakashi, and he'd withheld sex like some irritated housewife! He was ashamed of himself and still angry with Kakashi at the same time. The desire to apologize and the desire to hear an apology warred angrily with each other inside him. He was miserable. If it had been anyone else leading him, he would have done much better – he was sure of it. He wouldn't have been staring at Asuma's ass, or getting so irritated with Kurenai that he failed to notice a rock in his path. Besides, Kakashi had made it sound like he was weak because he'd needed some food within a 24-hour period and had asked to go to the bathroom. Once. Kakashi's superior attitude was grating on him. Iruka wanted to scream, 'Jonins have to pee sometimes too, you dick!'
He knew he was acting like he'd never set foot in a ninja academy, much less teach at one, but he couldn't help it. Kakashi wasn't supposed to treat him like a soldier. He was supposed to steal kisses, and pinch his butt in public, and bring him flowers when he showed up late, and surprise him with lunch during a long workday.
Those were the things he normally did. It was what made Iruka fall so hard for him. He had told Kakashi he wasn't expecting special treatment the night before they left on the mission, when Kakashi had expressed some concern about it…but the truth was that he did expect it. Not from anyone else, certainly, but from Kakashi he did. Kakashi was the one person that treated him like he was unique and exciting and priceless and he couldn't give that up, not even for a mission. He needed to be special to Kakashi. He spent all his time taking care of others, and Kakashi was the first person in a long time that took care of him.
'Well,' Iruka thought with a sad sigh, 'If he's going to stomp off and leave me behind I might as well stop and put some medicine on my legs.'
It was pure bliss to drop the three packs. That had been Kakashi's idea, too. Since he supposedly needed 'toughening up,' he'd been given all three packs to carry. Also, it would free up Kakashi to better defend them, and would allow Gai to move more quietly while scouting ahead.
Iruka knew the real reason, of course. His boyfriend was obviously the lazy asshole Naruto claimed him to be.
"Uggghhhhh," Iruka moaned in pleasure when he dropped the three packs. He sat on a log practically boneless in relief. When he opened his drooping eyes (Kakashi and Gai might be used to days without sleep, but he was quite accustomed to six hours a night, thank you very much) he noticed the itchy rash was much worse than he'd thought. It had spread on him fast. He'd tried not to scratch, knowing that would only worsen the situation. One of his ankle bandages had come undone and the skin had turned an ugly red underneath. It had spread all the way up his calf. His arms were worse. He must have gotten into some nettles or poison ivy. Wonderful. Just his luck.
Thankfully, it was standard procedure to carry pills for just such a thing, but some soap and water would help wash off the toxins. There was a river not too far off. His body protested, but Iruka knew it would be worth it to get a quick wash.
He hauled the packs through the dense wood until he reached the water. He stripped off his shirt and his bandages, knowing they would need to be washed. He nervously looked around before shirking his pants as well. If only a little of the poisonous resin was still on his clothing, and he put his clothing back on, he'd be back in the same boat.
He only prayed that it wasn't Gai that came to find him.
Iruka sighed in relief as he sunk into the cool water. He fished around in his pack for the small bar of odorless soap and began to scrub down. He'd taken the oral medication that would stop the rash, and he had some anti-itch cream he could put on when he was dry. He was just about to wade out of the water when a kunai sliced through the air near his shoulder. He had dodged on instinct. Being a teacher had some perks, after all. He'd developed a sixth sense for flying projectiles.
Immediately, Iruka extended his senses and figured out he was pretty much surrounded. With Gai scouting ahead and Kakashi looking for tracks, how was it the enemy ninjas had been overlooked?
Iruka realized guiltily that he might have distracted Kakashi from his job by bickering with him. But it was too late to do anything about it. He'd just have to deal with the situation himself.
He substituted himself with some drifting wood and materialized in a tree branch. Rusty battle skills finally kicked in, and Iruka felt for the enemy's chakra. He could sense three attackers, probably Chuunin ranked judging by the skill they'd used to throw the kunai.
He was naked except for his underwear and had no weapons, and Kakashi probably was still too irritated to come looking for him yet. He would just have to overcome the odds. He thought of his earlier fight with Kakashi and plucked a handy pinecone. He spotted one attacker a few branches over, crouched a bit clumsily in the branches. The plan emerged quickly in his head. It was a basic tactic he taught his students to use in the likelihood they were ever unarmed. Using all his strength, he chunked the pinecone into the foliage above the enemy, making him think he was being attacked from above. Immediately, Iruka jumped to the branch he sat on, grasped it with his hands, and swung upwards to soundly kick the enemy in the face. The enemy toppled out of the tree but managed to regain his hold using chakra. Iruka had already disappeared, and taken one of the enemy's kunai holders as he did so. He'd managed to get close enough to steal from him.
When he saw Kakashi again, he was going to rub this in his stupid face. His skills obviously weren't that rusty.
From his new hiding spot inside a big log, he could hear the enemies shifting above him, coming towards him. One of them must be tracking him somehow. Quickly, his fingers opened the holder and pulled out three kunai and an exploding tag.
And then he noticed what was inside the log with him. Thinking fast, Iruka made the hand seals and re-appeared on the other side of the log out in the open, holding the animal by its tail. He slung it at the group of attackers. Not only did the skunk spray the enemies with putrid gas as he collided into them, but the exploding tag Iruka had attached to his back went off and knocked two of them off their feet. Panting, Iruka transported himself to where the packs were. He was out of breath from all the exertion of chakra, and was grateful the short battle had ended in his favor.
He really had grown out of shape. He wouldn't have made it very long if it had turned into a skirmish with him in the middle. Surprisingly, the enemies had run off, but they would have tough luck hiding when they smelled like skunk.
Late, as usual, Kakashi appeared with Gai on his heels. He took in the situation with a narrowed eye.
"How many?" he asked sharply, kunai already drawn. Iruka tried to catch his breath. "How many?!" Kakashi demanded, shouting harshly. Iruka glared.
"Quit yelling at me! They're gone already! I hurled a skunk at them so tracking them will be easy," Iruka paused for breath and then continued. "I doubt they're the kidnappers, at any rate." Iruka watched as Kakashi forcibly relaxed his stance. He could tell, though, that the gray-haired ninja was still furious. He continued talking, mostly directing the information at Gai. "They weren't as skilled as Tsunade-sama said the kidnappers would be. They were probably just rogue ninjas resorting to thievery. I severely burned two of them."
"Ah, Iruka-sensei! You are truly worthy to teach the cute students! You're theory is obviously correct because they have stolen Kakashi's pack!" Gai stated happily, beaming at Iruka.
Iruka looked at the two packs sitting on the riverbank, then at Kakashi's very angry eye.
Ah, so that's why they'd run off so fast. They'd already gotten what they'd wanted. Oops.
"Heh," Iruka said sheepishly, "Sorry?" he said hopefully. Kakashi's almost comical glare intensified.
"Do not worry, my esteemed rival! I shall go retrieve the pack, and if I can't, I'll do five hundred push-ups!" Without waiting for approval, Gai disappeared. Iruka waited for Kakashi to start yelling at him. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the shouting. He'd done his best, but he had let them get away with the pack, and he knew Kakashi wouldn't be pleased…
"Your arms are covered in rashes," Kakashi finally said. "Why didn't you tell me you'd gotten into nettles?" Kakashi still sounded angry, but it was more of a concerned angry than a you-fucked-up angry. Iruka opened one eye cautiously to see Kakashi had crouched beside him and was examining the angry redness on his skin.
"I did tell you," Iruka replied a bit waspishly. Kakashi glared at him.
"You said you were scratched by a bush and you wanted to stop to bandage it. Scratches are not a suitable reason to stop moving."
"I didn't think I had to spell it out for you. You call yourself a genius, don't you?" Iruka retorted. Now that he knew Kakashi wasn't going to loose his temper, chop him up, and bury the pieces, his old anger was returning.
"What were you thinking going off and getting surrounded while you were practically naked and unarmed?" Kakashi questioned harshly.
"Don't even go there. It's been years since I've been out of Konoha on a real mission. I think I did pretty damn well, all things considered. Besides, I was distracted by a certain boyfriend who's done nothing but be an asshole since we left on this stupid mission! Nice of you to show up to help once they've already fled, by the way."
"I…you…ugh!" Kakashi ended the argument by pushing Iruka onto the riverbank and kissing him senseless. At least, that's what he tried to do.
"Get off me!" Iruka growled, shoving Kakashi away and quickly putting distance between them. Kakashi barely resisted slamming his fist against the ground in frustration. The next time he saw Jiraiya, he was going to point out that his hypothesis in Icha Icha Violence was apparently incorrect. Kakashi had dashingly scared off the villains, rescued the wet, naked damsel (whom he'd previously been fighting bitterly with), and yet this string of events did not automatically lead to hot make-up sex.
Maybe he hadn't read the passage carefully enough and missed a crucial detail, but he was fairly certain that was the formula.
Iruka, apparently, begged to differ.
The brunette was sitting with his back to Kakashi, rummaging through his pack to find ointment. The silver-haired ninja stood and brushed off his backside. He thought about trying to talk to Iruka, but his boyfriend was muttering scarily.
Kakashi went to fetch his drying clothes instead. The last thing he wanted was for Gai (no matter how straight he claimed to be – Kakashi had doubts) seeing his Iruka in wet underwear. As he grabbed the uniform and carried it to Iruka, he wondered if it was humanly possible for the mission to get any worse.
A/N: Hey Naruto fans! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my little story. I've dabbled in some other fandoms but this is my first time to post a Naruto fic. I wanted to do something a little off-beat and present the characters in a new light, so hopefully I've succeeded. Updates will probably be irregular – just whenever I can get it done. If you like my writing, and you like Zabuza/Haku, I'll be posting a more serious story featuring them soon. Check it out and tell me what you think, okay?