Title: Too Much Coffee
Author: Kate Ya Mate (
katerogers@bun.com)Summary: Sequel to 'Too Much Cheese'- Mulder has another weird dream and this time Scully goes with him… (Just as you requested!)
Category: Humour/ Bit of MSR this time, I guess
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None that I can think of, although slight parallels with 'Bad Blood'
Distribution: Anywhere I guess, just let me know first
Disclaimer: If they were mine, wouldn't life be fine? But Chris, they belong to you, so please don't sue!
Author's Note: OK, so this is quite possibly just as twisted as 'Too Much Cheese'. Still not sure where the inspiration came from… Still not sure I want to know…
Feedback: Am I the only one who finds this funny? Or am I just twisted? –Do let me know
On with the story…
***
Dana Scully's Apartment
2:55am
Scully nuzzled into the pillow, stubbornly ignoring the frantic call of her alarm.
Just a few more minutes wouldn't hurt
.In between blissful lapses of sleep the alarm tried to awaken her with its desperate knocking sou
Wait a minute… Since when did my alarm make a
knocking sound?She stumbled drowsily down the stairs, wrapping herself in a towelling morning robe as she went. She peered cautiously through the peephole, wondering who the hell would call this early.
And, answering her own question realised that nobody would.
Except Mulder.
She opened the door, rubbing her eyes and yawning. Mulder burst in, unattractive puddles of sweat soaking through his shirt as he frantically grabbed the door from Scully and slammed it shut, leaning breathlessly against it. Scully froze, glaring at her partner with slight concern.
"Mulder-" she started, but was interrupted.
"It's happening again Scully! It's happening again and this time you've got to believe me!" He grabbed her arms and shook her roughly, as if this would help her understand.
"Mulder would you chill out?" she shouted. "What do you mean? What do you mean, it's happening again?"
"The DREAM Scully!"
Scully frowned and tilted her head.
"Although it's not a dream but you seem to think it is!"
For the first time Scully noticed the rain dripping from Mulder's hair, and concluded that the sweat patches were in fact rainwater.
"Mulder, it's three o'clock in the morning. I haven't had much sleep, and from the looks of things neither have you." She reached up and felt his forehead, as she had done many a time. "You've got a fever. You should rest." She pulled him towards the nearby couch and sat him down on it. "I'll get you some blankets."
She returned a few minutes later with two thick patchwork blankets and a steaming mug of cocoa.
"Thank you nurse."
Scully smiled slightly. She sat next to him and rested her tired, aching head on the top of the settee. "So was this the revenge of Tutu Man?" she asked, her face displaying seriousness although he knew she was mocking him.
"No. I think he was tired of the whole tutu thing…"
****************
Mulder was walking back down the alleyway, same as before, except this time he was anxiously looking around, his radar set to 'Bigbird Alert'.
Got to find Scully, got to find her…
Eventually he saw the warehouse in the distance. He slowed his pace and reached into his boxer shorts to
****************
"Woh woh woh! Mulder, less of the details!" She held up her hands in defence.
"No, no Scully I was reaching for my GUN… do you really think I would do that in a public place? I mean, not that I do it ANYWAY, I-"
"Mulder."
"Anyway, so I reached for my GUN and
****************
pointed it cautiously in front of him, expecting a return of Wayne Sleep's homosexual disciple. But this time he was on his own. No magic wand this time. Although maybe he was better off without it…
After what seemed like hours, he arrived at the door to the warehouse. Just as he reached for the handle, a shadow neared his feet, causing him to spin around yelling, "FREEZE! IBF!"
He tur
****************
"IBF?" Scully looked at him inquisitively.
"I don't know, maybe I was nervous or something- you know, after last time…"
Scully sighed. "Go on."
****************
He turned to face the two people that stood to the left of him, still poising his gun, his hands wobbling slightly. He recognised the man.
"SPENDER?"
****************
"Oh brother…"
****************
"SCULLY?"
****************
"Jesus, Mulder!"
"Scully aren't you a Catholic?"
Scully ignored him. "*I* was there again? Dare I ask what I was doing this time?"
Mulder grinned. "I'm getting to that."
Scully rolled her eyes.
****************
Mulder eyed the smooth contours of his legs for a moment, bef
****************
Scully giggled. "Don't you mean HER legs, Mulder?"
Mulder looked back at his partner with all seriousness. "No no no. See that's the thing. He was wearing your skirt. And your jacket. And your shoes. And your-"
"Well if he was wearing my clothes then what was *I* wearing?"
Mulder grinned up at her devilishly, the thought crossing their minds simultaneously.
"Oh no Mulder don't say-" she held up her hands, not wanting to hear it.
"Just kidding. You were wearing his suit."
****************
Spender was the first to speak. "Agent Mulder. I'm glad you're here. Krycek couldn't make it so I'm standing in."
Mulder surveyed his posture once more, just to make sure. He looked back at Spender. "Do you guys have some sort of dress code or something?"
"That's irrelevant."
Mulder raised his eyebrows.
"You remember her." Spender gestured to Scully.
Mulder looked at his partner, barely recognisable in the brown suit and tie, and noticed for the first time that her hair was hoisted in tight pigtails above her head and her rosy cheeks were dotted with eyeliner-pencil freckles.
"Pippi Longstocking, isn't it?" Mulder queried, a grin escaping his face.
Scully frowned, not quite understanding the remark. "Fox. Nice to see you again." She forced a smile.
****************
"F0-"
"Yeah I know, I was surprised you called me that too… it definitely was you though." He looked up to see that Scully was staring at him thoughtfully, her head resting on her hand on the back of the sofa.
"…What?"
Scully looked at the floor. "Nothing. Carry on. FOX."
****************
Scully and Spender led Mulder into the warehouse. Spender gestured to a small circle of chairs in the centre of the room. As Mulder sat down, the room brought back images of the last time he was there, when
****************
Scully shut here eyes. "I really don't need reminding Mulder."
Mulder shrugged.
****************
Scully looked at her watch, restlessly pacing up and down the spacious room. "They're late." She stopped pacing and turned to Spender. " I think you should check up on them. Go and see if they're outside." Spender nodded and headed out the door.
As soon as the two were left alone, Scully rushed to Mulder in a wild panic. "Mulder you've got to help me!" Her voice was a desperate whisper. "As I'm sure you can see I'm stuck in one of your freaking weird dreams, and I'd like to get out if you wouldn't mind! And seeing as you're the one who dreams these things then maybe you can-"
"Wait! Scully, I…" He shook his head in frustration. "I can't believe you still think this is a dream! You're here! You can see it for yourself! Doesn't it all seem too vivid to you? Too real?"
"Mulder there is nothing real about Spender in a skirt, about me wearing a tie, about… THIS!" She grabbed her pigtails in distress, shaking them violently.
"Okay, so, even if this IS a dream, what makes you think it's MY dream?"
"Because you're the one who had a weird dream like this before!"
"Scully I told you, it WASN'T A DREAM!"
Scully sighed, frustrated. "Mulder I just-"
She was interrupted by the return of Mini-skirt Man.
"They're on their way," he said, pulling up a chair next to Mulder.
"Would you mind telling me exactly what we're here for?" Mulder asked, a little afraid of the answer.
Spender looked at Scully, who took a deep breath before answering. "Skinner briefed us before we got here."
"Skinner?"
"He wants to conduct an experiment in order to assess the standard of relationships between FBI agents. Recent research studies have shown that Federal Agents who are romantically involved stand a much better chance of solving cases together."
****************
"Why do I not like the sound of this…"
****************
"What… kind of experiment?"
Spender fumbled nervously with the hem of his suit jacket.
Scully strolled over to a cupboard in the corner of the room and took a large paper bag from the top shelf. She sat back down and emptied the contents of the bag onto the floor.
Mulder frowned at the green glass bottle and small sheet of paper. "What is this, Spin the Bottle?" He asked jokingly.
Scully and Spender looked at the floor, their faces solemn.
After a short pause of realisation, Mulder stood up from the chair, slowly backing away. "Oh, oh-ho no." Mulder waved his hands in disapproval.
****************
"SPIN THE BOTTLE? Is this one of your fantasies, Mulder? To play Spin the Bottle with your fellow colleagues at the FBI?"
"It wasn't my idea."
"No seriously Mulder, are you pulling my leg?"
"No! I'm absolutely serious! You should know, you were there!"
"I give up…"
****************
The ringing of Scully's cell phone broke the air of embarrassment. "Scully. Uh-huh… okay Sir." She put her phone back in her pocket.
"What's going on?" Spender queried.
"They're caught in traffic. There's some… Sesame Street Road Festival, or something…"
Mulder flinched.
"Skinner said to go to Plan B, whatever that is. He said you'd know."
"Ah, Plan B. Of course." He got up from the chair. "Will you excuse me, I have to make a phone call." Once again, he left the room.
"Mulder!" Scully whispered.
"Look, Scully, I really can't get you out of this. I have no control over it, whether it's a dream or not."
The nearby door opened.
"Frohike, Byers and Langley!" Mulder yelled.
****************
"Whatever next…"
****************
The three men frowned, apparently not recognising the two agents that sat in front of them.
Spender came in behind the amusing-looking trio, also confused. "Actually, it's Domingo, Carerras and Pavarotti; the Three Tenors. They're here to perform a few pieces- you know, get you in the mood, improve your relationship." He grinned, enjoying the teasing.
****************
"The Lone Gunmen," Scully began slowly, "As the Three Tenors. Yet you STILL refuse to believe that this is a dream…"
"I'm still not convinced, Scully. As with before, it's likely everyone involved was drugged to make him or her forget what happened to them. C'mon we've seen that before many times."
"So how come YOU remember it all? Why weren't YOU drugged?"
"I'm not sure about that one yet." He picked up the mug of cocoa which was now cold, and made an effort to drink it.
"Come on Mulder! Can't you see what's going on here? It couldn't be simpler! YOU had the dream, therefore that's why YOU remember it and no one else does!"
"I still don't agree. But before we start competing with Oprah," he placed the mug back on the table. "Let me finish my story..."
****************
The three men began setting up a stage complete with large speakers and microphone stands. Mulder noticed that Frohike had grown a significantly larger beer gut, almost popping the buttons on his shirt. He put it down to Frohike wanting to resemble his idol best he could.
As they took their positions, Mulder leaned towards Scully, muttering, "Since when do opera singers play drums?"
Scully's eyes widened as she too noticed the shiny drum set in the corner of the stage.
Frohike spoke first. "Uh, this is a number we wrote way back whilst on tour. We've never released it until now." He gave a cheesy grin.
They began.
Scully's face screwed up as if she was under the dentist's drill, and Mulder reflected her reaction. He focused on Langley, beating the hell out of the drums, his golden wavy hair dancing high above his shoulders. Suddenly his eye caught sight of something. On the edge of the stage, near Langley's tapping feet, was a small electronic device, attached to the stage with bulldog clips. He pointed it out to Scully.
Scully squinted to see the object clearly. "I think it's a camera…"
They clapped at the end of the first piece, not wanting to look suspicious.
As the second piece began, the stage was suddenly flustered with background dancers, adorned in lavish costumes like a pathetic rendition of Come Dancing.
Scully sat up abruptly. "Mulder is that…?"
Mulder followed her gaze and sat back in shock, his jaw wide open. "DIANA?"
****************
"Mulder why does Diana always have to come into this?"
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Scully?"
"No… I… no! Of course I'm not JEALOUS, I just wondered how she fits into all of this…"
Mulder leaned closer to Scully. "How would I know? I mean, it WAS only a DREAM," he replied, mockingly.
Scully folded her arms. "Feel free to continue."
****************
"I think we need to give the camera what it wants," Mulder declared suddenly, snapping his fingers.
"I'm not following. What do you mean?"
"We have to… you know…" His voice trailed off and he turned away from Scully as his cheeks flushed.
Scully lifted her eyebrows, craning her neck to catch his eye. "Have to what? Come on Mulder spit it out."
Mulder sighed, finally mumbling, "We have to look like we're becoming CLOSER."
****************
"This is ridiculous…"
****************
"Oh… OH. Well, I uh… That could work."
"Put your hand on my knee."
****************
"Put my HAND, on your KNEE?"
"Oh come on Scully don't pretend you weren't flattered. You were enjoying every bit of it."
****************
"You're not serious."
Mulder looked at Scully, and then at his knee.
She sighed, and hesitantly placed her hand on his knee as he had told her. "I'm really starting to hope this IS a dream," she muttered under her breath.
Mulder moved closer to Scully and stiffly extended an arm around her shoulders, hoping the nervousness didn't show on the camera. He sensed that, despite her apparent 'uncomfortableness' regarding the situation, she was secretly enjoying the atten
****************
"Oh, I DOUBT it!"
"Scully I've known you for over six years now. When you get horny I know about it."
"MULDER!"
"So anyway…"
****************
Spender came back in the room and saw the meagre effort they were making. "Ah come on you're gonna have to do better than that! They're gonna be here soon." Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. "This isn't Kindergarten you know." He left the room once more.
Scully watched him leave. "Does he have a bladder problem?"
"Scully I've got an idea."
"Do I wanna hear it?"
"In all likeliness, no, but I think it's the only way out of this."
Just as he heard footsteps approaching the door, he clutched Scully's neck, much to her alarm, and gave one last nervous sigh before lunging forward and moulding his lips to hers.
"Mul-mmph!"
****************
"And this was the ONLY way you could think of to solve this?"
"I didn't think we had any other options. What would you have done?"
"I don't know, something a little more PRODUCTIVE, perhaps…"
"Well it seemed to work, as I soon found out…"
****************
"Here they-" Spender stood, staring open-mouthed at the sight in front of them, Skinner not far behind.
Skinner grinned satisfactorily. "Spender, I'm promoting you… AGENT SPENDER!"
"Uh, I… yes sir… thank you…" He could barely tear his eyes off the pair as they went for gold.
Mulder broke the kiss, looking more than a little embarrassed. One of Scully's pigtails had slid halfway down her head in the mad fit of 'passion', and her lipstick was smudged over her face. And Mulder's, for that matter. He did his best to flatten his ruffled hair. "Uh, sir? Could we go now?"
"Sure." The grin on Skinner's face was unmistakable.
As the two agents arrived back at
****************
"Wait, that's it?"
"…"
"MULDER…"
****************
Scully stopped in front of Spender as they neared the door, Skinner beaming proudly at her like a teacher does to his grade A student. "Hey Spender when do I get my clothes back?"
"Oh, right, yeah…"
…
…
****************
"…Mulder? What is it? Why'd you stop?"
"Scully I really don't think all this is relevant, I-"
"Is ANY of what you've said relevant? You may as well tell me the end now you've come this far, Mulder." She held up her hands. "I promise not to judge."
Mulder sighed.
****************
"Oh, right, yeah… Actually," He turned to Mulder. "I prefer your suit to mine. How about it Agent Mulder?"
"How about… what exactly?"
"We do a swap. You and me."
"You want me to wear THAT?" He gestured with his eyes to Scully's clothes.
Scully sniggered, covering her mouth.
Spender sighed impatiently. "Let me help you make your decision."
Suddenly Scully gasped. "Mulder…!"
Mulder followed Scully's gaze and looked down to see he was no longer wearing any trousers.
"Holy…" He rather noticeably covered his boxer shorts with his hands, his cheeks returning to the burning sensation they experienced before. He looked up to
****************
"…Scully are you laughing at me? Why do you always find this funnier than I do?"
"I'm sorry Mulder, I…" She tried desperately to contain herself. She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. Do continue, please."
****************
He looked up to notice Spender still wearing Scully's beige blouse and jacket, but with Mulder's trousers.
"I guess it's skirt or nothing, then." Spender remarked with an air of coolness.
"Yes, yes! Okay! Whatever, just…"
Within an instant, Mulder's hairy legs were protruding from Scully's beige skirt like some surrealist painting.
"Scully let's get out of here."
Scully stood looking at Mulder's legs, half-disgusted at the sight, although half-amused by it all.
"…SCULLY?"
"Uh, yeah sorry. Let's go."
As they walked through the doorway and headed down the alley, Scully turned to Mulder. "You sure do have strange dreams sometimes Mulder."
"And I thought aliens and UFOs were out of this world," he joked.
There was a long pause before Scully spoke again. "You know something,"
"Hm?"
"You're quite a good kisser, Mulder."
****************
"You made that up!"
"No, you really did say that!"
****************
"Thanks. Likewise…" He turned to her as they walked the long and winding alley. "Hey, Scully?"
"Yeah?"
"If this isn't a dream, we don't have to tell anyone about this… do we? I mean, that would only cause more problems, you know…"
"Oh, definitely. Yeah. Would only cause more problems. You're absolutely right."
Both agents felt drained. It had been a long… whatever, and their feet and minds were to give in to a long and well-deserved rest.
"Hey Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think we could swap clothes back now?"
"Really? I was getting rather attached to…"
And so they walked back home together, under the bright gleam of the moon.
****************
"That's quite a fairy tale ending for you, Mulder. I'm surprised."
"Yeah, well. I felt I owed it to you after embarrassing you."
She smiled back at him.
"You still think it's a dream?"
"Without a doubt."
"Okay, so…" Mulder reached into his shirt pocket. "How come I have this?" He unfolded a glossy leaflet displaying three peculiar looking men in suits, reading the words, 'Need some Fire in your Firm? Need to get your workers motivated? Hesitate no more! Ring the Three Tenors on 555-FROHIKE- it's a decision you won't regret!'
Scully tilted her head to the side, staring blankly in front of her. "I've been working with you for way too long."
"You still have the wand, right?"
"Top drawer by the TV."
Mulder walked over to the drawer and placed the leaflet in with Krycek's wand, wondering what the next addition to the collection would be…
~ End ~