Introduction
Ooh, you're a daredevil! Someone who takes risks! Someone with a pair! (Or... you've got a very strong vagina.) That's why you got yourself our finest state-of-the-art LU BU unit! This bad boy can tear up whomever decides to take your lunch money! In fact, he can make everyone give up their lunch money! The school's lunch money! The office's lunch money! The bank's lunch money! EVERYONE'S lunch money is all yours! Yeah! Can your Amiibos do that?! I think not, motherfuckers! Once you've tamed this beast of a unit, everyone will know not to pursue you!
Comes with...
Seven (7) sets of scary black armor with matching cockroach antenna head pieces
Five (5) sets of regular clothes (He can't sleep in that armor, you know. You want to try doing that? I think not.)
Two (2) pairs of boots
One (1) halberd (Careful, it's heavy. It will smash your toes if dropped.)
Ninety-nine (99) adult diapers (Those are for YOU, not him. You need those as he'll make you shit your pants for the first few weeks.)
Name: Lu Bu (There's supposed to be these two dots over the 'u' in 'Lu'.)
Gender: Male (Yup, all man.)
Other names: Your Worst Nightmare, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCK, OHMYGODOHMYGOD, He Who Should Not Be Pursued
Famous for: Being this big bad dude who can tear you to pieces (in the ROTK)
Spouse: Unknown
Children: (Real name is unknown) Lu Lingqi
Age: 29 (Koei)
Appearance: Big and bulky man covered in armor
Striking Features: Those red things coming out of his head, his resting pissed face, his overall towering structure
Quirks: Is prone to anger very easily, strength can cause collateral damage, might have trouble going through doors (Ah, he doesn't need doors.)
Instructions
There are a lot of precautions to consider before opening the unit's packaging and even more when it comes to operating the unit. First, it's a giant man who is angry that we forced him in a tiny box, what do you think is going to happen to you when you open it suddenly? To avoid what you just thought of in your head, you need to calm him down while he's still in the box. Do your introductions while he's in there and he'll cool down. Now, when you open it, he has a 50-50 percent chance of betraying your trust right there. The chances are higher if you're a dude. The chances remain the same if you're a woman. To avoid playing with chance altogether, you must have the DIAO CHAN or the LU LINGQI unit around.
He didn't take off your head yet? Good. Proceed to the next sections. Also, put on the diapers now.
Care
First of all, he's a grown man. He can clean himself. No need for some weird person like you to come into the shower and rubbing his ass with a loofah. Second of all, make sure your toilet is capable of holding 300 pounds or more. He's huge, and I doubt when he takes dump, he would like the toilet to collapse under him. If your toilet does not fit the standards stated here, you must get a new toilet or tell him to go outside with the dog. You make up some stuff to get him to do that. Now, in order for him to keep that muscle mass on him, he needs shitton of calories, thus your kitchen must be the bloody grocery store in order to keep him filled and satisfied. If you're a cook, then great! He loves some homecooked stuff! They remind him of times when he's back at home with his lover.
How to keep your unit happy
Don't be a bitch.
Don't be a bitch.
DON'T BE A FUCKING BITCH.
Oh, and keep the DIAO CHAN and LU LINGQI units around.
And sure, show off your modern stuff to him.
This unit will leave or disobey ( or KILL YOU) if...
You just piss him off
Make the cockroach jokes with him
Become his father/mother in terms of the way you treat him (Come on, have you not learned what happened to his last two fathers?)
You're being a bitch
Skills
-Chinese fluency
That's the basics of having a dead Chinese warrior. This won't earn you street cred with your Asian friend though. It might, but usually won't.
-Bodyguard
Duh. He's huge and strong. Bitches won't touch you if you have him around.
-Jar opener
Well, those meaty arms and hands got to have some practical use, no?
-Decoy boyfriend
Your ex will stop bothering you if you have this unit around as they can't beat the LU BU unit in a fight for your honor. But really, you'll have him at the bar for some drinks in order to mess with the romancing features of him.
-Sports competitor?
We've never really seen this for ourselves, but if find a sport (something that involves beating someone up) the LU BU unit is good at, you can exploit that for some cold hard cash.
-Could break down almost anything
Locked out of your house? Forget keys. LU BU's the only key you'll need. Just be sure to pay for the damages. Need to get to somewhere quick, but all of these walls and buildings are in the way? Not a problem! as long you don't show your face, you're free to get to that screening of Star Wars VIII before all the other nerds, or at least the ones who did not plan ahead.
Romancing
Riiiiight, you want some of THAT in ya. Well, he's a pretty decent looking man, but could you really reel that mother in? I mean, just look at him. Does he looks like the type for romance? You two must have really bonded for him to "love" you as much as Diao Chan. He's more a casual sex guy, really. I hope you've buckled your seat belt, because you'll be in one hell of a ride. If you have the DIAO CHAN unit, MAYBE he might invite you for a threeway. He's fairly adventurous. (Don't let the LU LINGQI unit hear that stuff or she'll just puke/blow up your house with you in it.)
Modes
Normal
That Red and Black Electricity Aura Thing (It usually means bad, but it could mean good depending on the context.)
LU BU SMASH! (This is a weird mode, I tell ya. His testosterone levels hit the max and he just outright is full blown angry all the time. Luckily, this has a 2% chance of happening.)
RRAAAAGH! (This one's the one you'll see a lot.)
See Also:
CAO CAO: He killed him, I guess. Best don't keep these two units in the came room together.
DIAO CHAN: His (fictional) lover that gets the full on V.I.P treatment from him.
CHEN GONG: You know the relationship a jock has with a nerd who does his homework for him? Yeah, think of it like that with this unit.
LU LINGQI: His daughter because there was a woman out there who could take in his powerful seed and make a baby out of that.
ZHANG LIAO: His employee at one point.
FAQ'S
So really, how long is he? This one you have to tell us.
Screw that! I'm not going down there! I'll just get lost within the depths of his big pants!
LU BU can eat leftovers, right...? That's all I have at the moment...
Sure, whatever will keep him full and not hangry.
Will he like my collections of katanas? My girlfriend doesn't and wants to throw them away!
Uhh... Sure? That last bit wasn't necessary, you know.
Can he play video games?
Meh, you could try. Just hope he doesn't break your controllers.
Aw sweet! He helped me get back at my high school bully! Does he do things for free?
No. No, he doesn't. If you're a good friend, then he will. But as of now, right when you open the box, no. He might ask you what does he get and you'll need to tempt him with all the offers you have.
I don't need diapers! Why'd you give me these?!
Well, don't throw them away. Give them to your grandma or pa or someone old if you're so confident in yourself.