Author's Note: Another random one-shot. Takes place right after Clockwork Angel and before the epilogue. It builds off stuff you learn in Clockwork Prince though, so if you don't know the whole "Curse" story, then you'll get lost. When I wrote this, I was bored. I was also feeling angsty. This is the scandalous love-child of my boredom, angst, and Infernal Devices obsession. Enjoy!
Will glared around the bedroom. The walls were too close together, the bed was too near the door, and the ceiling was too low. He felt confused. Confused and angry. Very angry.
Why couldn't Tessa see? Why couldn't she understand that, yes, he did lie to make himself look bad, but he didn't like to make himself look bad to hurt her. He had his reasons for doing this. Reasons he could most certainly not tell her. And deep down inside, behind the walls he had constructed to keep everyone out, he was still just a small, scared, vulnerable twelve-year-old boy.
But, Will tried to convince himself, he didn't want Tessa to see that. He didn't want her to see his fear or his insecurity, how he needed all of 'this,' the Institute, Shadowhunting, fighting, her to keep him sane, to keep him grounded, and most of all, in a roundabout way, to keep him alive. He tried to convince himself that he wanted her to think he he was strong and invulnerable, that he didn't need anyone or anything, that he didn't need anyone's help. He wanted to think he wanted her to only see that part of him he had carefully constructed for her to not like, the part that would make her turn her back on him forever. The part that would save her.
But really, he knew he was selfish and he wanted her anyway. He knew it could only hurt her in the end, but he couldn't keep himself from loving her. He knew he wanted to finally tell someone why he did the things he did. After so long, he was tired of being hated. And he loved her.
Tessa- her bravery, her brilliance, her kindness and tolerance of his abominable behavior, tolerating him still. He even admired her stolid love of her detestable brother, Nathaniel, despite his selling her out to the Magister and then betraying her once more. He wished he hadn't spoken to her the way he had on the roof. It had been all part of that idiotic charade of frequenting taverns and brothels, the charade of looking bad. She had said as much. Apparently Jem had said as much.
Jem. Another one who he kept so selfishly close, who he could not bear to let go of.
Tessa had called him cruel. And maybe he was. At any rate, it was better that she thought him so. It would be easier if she hated him. But he wasn't sure he could stand it. He had a burning desire to go and kiss her, like he had those two times, to find her wherever she might be, take her in his arms, and, no matter who was watching, kiss her. But he couldn't. Not now and, as it seemed, not ever. It was too late for him to stop himself from loving her, but for her he would have to try.
With an angry moan, Will flung himself onto his bed face down and concentrated very hard on not crying.