Title: Leave
Author: shineyma
Word Count: 1124
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Rating: T, for vague reference to torture and abuse (and underage drinking)
Spoilers: Through 3x21: Before Sunset
Summary: Caroline hates, hurts, and wishes she could leave.
A/N: Post-ep for 3x21. Because I can never let an opportunity to write introspective Caroline angst pass me by.
She doesn't go home.
Of course, she doesn't stay, either. She wishes she could. She wishes she had the courage to face down this enemy who wears a friend's face, who calmly tortured her and used it as an object lesson for Elena. She wishes she had the courage (and strength) to be the one to save Elena, rather than relying on these men/monsters who have brought so much pain to her best friend.
But she just doesn't.
Alaric as a vampire who hates them all is awful. It's like Katherine all over again, a deadly enemy who looks just like a beloved friend, only it's worse. It's worse, because Alaric knows them. Katherine could fool them, straighten her hair and put on a pout and talk softly, but Alaric doesn't have to—he's still him, still knows everything about them…he's the exact same person on the opposing side, and that makes him worse.
Her hands shake as she starts her car, and she holds tight to the steering wheel. The holes are gone, healed over like they were never there, but her hands still ache. Likewise, her face still burns, even though a quick check in the visor mirror reveals no sign of the vervain she's been inhaling for the last—what, three hours? Four? It feels like it was longer. It feels like she was in that chair, sitting at a desk in Alaric's classroom, for weeks. (All those jokes about history being torture are suddenly both hilarious and not funny at all.)
But vervain and pencils aren't the worst part. She's faced vervain and pencils (and bullets and toothpicks and sunlight and blood-just-out-of-reach oh god is she tired of being tortured) before. No. The worst part is the memory of Alaric's voice ("She told me she killed someone and liked it") and Elena's sideways, horrified look. That's why Alaric is so much worse than Katherine. Because he can use the words she gave him, the unforgiveable sin she confessed to comfort him, against her without a thought. He can taunt her with her deepest secret ("She killed someone and liked it") and reveal it to whoever he comes across.
Katherine can trick them into revealing their secrets, but Alaric already knows them all.
She gets three blocks away from the school and then pulls to the side of the road. She shouldn't go. She knows she shouldn't. Elena's in danger. Sure, Klaus is in there. The Salvatores are almost certainly in there, as well. But…
Elena has been her best friend/sister/occasional rival since they could walk. She shouldn't leave. She should go back to the school and make sure Elena gets out safely. She should face down Alaric and—and what? She's already tried to kill him once today. It didn't work. All it got her was a broken neck and hours of torture.
She's so tired of being tortured.
She deliberately loosens her grip on the wheel. Her hands ache, her face burns, and now there's a phantom pain in her forehead where a bullet used to be.
She is so god. damn. tired. of being tortured.
Here's the truth: her life has gone steadily downhill since the Salvatores came to town. Sure, she's been cheering for Stefan in the Elena-wants-a-vampire-boyfriend contest, but considering the alternative…
Damon used and abused her in more ways than one, but Stefan's not blameless. Katherine's to blame, too, and Klaus. The fact is, there's a whole lot of blame to go around, and most of it rests on vampire shoulders.
She hates that she's like them. She hates that they've stuck her in this mockery of life (and death). She hates that her fate is tied so inseparably to theirs. And she hates that everything is tainted by them—her relationship with her mother, childhood friendships, new friendships…even her relationship with Tyler is tainted by Jules-and-Brady-and-Klaus.
She should go back into the school and make sure Elena's safe. But she wants nothing more than to run away—far away from Mystic Falls and (almost) everyone in it. All those places Klaus was talking about? She really does want to see them…just not with him.
She wants to take Tyler and her mom and leave. She wants to run far and fast enough that no one will ever find them. She wants…she wants…
She wants to be happy. She wants to be safe. She wants not to be tortured anymore.
But it's not possible. It's just not. Because to be safe (and to not be tortured), she'd need to leave town. And she can't leave town and be happy. She could never be happy, knowing she left her friends (her family) in danger while she fled to safety. Even now, having left Elena behind, she feels guilt gnawing at her stomach.
There's nothing she can do against Alaric. She couldn't kill him this morning, when she was well-fed and strong and had an Original on her side—what the hell happened to Rebekah, anyway?—so she certainly can't do him any harm when she's hungry and suffering after hours of torture.
So, no, she can't do anything against Alaric. But, she realizes suddenly, she can do something for Elena.
Because Alaric is like the fourth or fifth (maybe even sixth) parent Elena's lost in the past two years, and he's still walking around. That's not easy. That's nowhere near easy.
There are a lot of things that Caroline can't do. She can't face down everyone who wants to hurt her. She can't guarantee the safety of the people she loves. She can't make people stop torturing her. And she can't run away and leave her friends behind.
But what she can do is smile. She can be cheerful, happy, optimistic Caroline. Because there aren't nearly enough things to smile about these days, not for any of them. So maybe she can't solve all (or any) of their problems, but she can make her friends smile. That'll have to do for now.
"We're gonna need alcohol," she decides, pulling back into the road. "Lots of alcohol."
She can't do anything to save Elena right now. She can't run away, but she can't go back and help, either. So she'll trust the Salvatores to (once again) save the girl they claim to love. But once Elena's been saved? Caroline will take over. She'll gather the whole gang together.
They'll drink and toast to Alaric (again) and she'll do her best to keep people happy. Because it's what she does. Her hands ache and her face burns and she feels so old, outside and in, but she'll smile. She has to—because if she doesn't? No one else will, either.
And that's no kind of life at all.