Him and Her – one shot
'So, what are the chances of you not leaving me tonight?' She asked looking into his eyes.
'Not very big, I am afraid. I'm really sorry, but I have to go'
'I know you do, you always do' She let out a little laugh and kissed him on the cheek before opening the door.
'I'll se you around or something' He said putting his hands into his pockets.
'Yeah, probably'
And with that he left her, standing alone on the porch rubbing her arms to try and keep the cold away. She looked up and noticed all the millions of stars shining down on her.
"Time for a wish maybe? Nah, it doesn't't matter anyway. Things never go my way, its kind of the story of my life"
She spent a couple of minutes on the porch and then returned inside and sat down in front of the computer. Another night, another entry, she thought to her self as she logged in and started typing.
You came, like you always do.
Then you left, more hurriedly than before.
Maybe you're bored of me, of what we do.
Of whom I am.
The substitute for the real deal.
The thing that's always there.
The thing, am I a possession?
Probably.
Loneliness as always.
For me anyway.
17 poems/entries and as many nights. It should probably have made her feel more used but it didn't. In her own way she kind of liked it like this. But, a morning now and then would have been nice to.
He made her feel less alone, and a little bit more alive. And that was all that she needed for now.
At least that was what she thought. She had pushed away the other feelings for so long now that she didn't even notice them anymore.
She turned off the computer and walked into her bedroom. She sat down on the bed and realized that she still could feel the body-warmth on the cover. She drew it closer and wrapped it around her and then laid herself back in the bed. His smell was almost as intense as when he was right beside her. She slowly drifted of to sleep, still not allowing the thoughts into her mind. I'm happy like this, was her last thought of the night.
---
A small kiss on the cheek, and as always he wanted more. But, that wasn't part of the deal. They didn't go there; it was just as simple as that.
He stuck his hands into his pockets and walked of the porch away from her. He had walked this walk, away from her, many times now, and not once had he turned back. He had wanted to, but never done it. He knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to walk away anymore.
As he walked down the street he heard a door close and felt like it was inside his heart. He decided not to think about it anymore, push away all those thoughts and just forget it all, at least for tonight. Maybe tomorrow, he thought and got inside his car, maybe tomorrow.
But he knew himself all to well, he wouldn't think about it tomorrow or any other day for that matter. He wouldn't think about it again until the next time he saw her. Like always.
It was better that way. Don't let it cloud your judgment, brush it off, walk away. Like you always do. Don't get in to deep.
He stopped the car outside his apartment and locked it. Once he got inside he made his way straight to the bedroom and threw himself under the covers. Her covers smelled like her, his didn't, but that didn't stop him from wishing that they did. He closed his eyes and blocked all the images trying to soar through his mind. Not tonight, maybe tomorrow, he thought and then he was sound asleep.
---
Denial, denial denial was the only thing on her mind the next morning. She was used to it by now. It was how she lived her life and there was simply nothing else to it. Six more days of normal and then it starts all over again. She wasn't that upset about it. If she wanted to, she could always stop, was what she told herself after every time, but secretly she doubted it.
It had been going on for to long and she wasn't ever sure if she wanted to get off this ride. This was better than nothing right? He needs someone and I need someone. Why not be that someone for each other?
That was the plan anyway; she knew she didn't quite live up to it all the time, but she always did in front of him. Never letting anything shine through.
Keeping stuff inside was kind of her thing by now, she thought as she got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. That's when she discovered it. A mans watch lying on the sink.
She took it into her hand; it was a watch that she knew all to well, his watch. And she knew he couldn't go without it for an entire week, they would have to meet again, before they should. It wouldn't be six days to forget anymore, more like 2. She had never done it in two days before and she wasn't even sure of how to begin. But then she remembered, keeping stuff on the inside was what she did best, this wasn't any different from any other time. The same as ever, she thought to her self as she took her phone and sent him a quick text.
---
He woke up with the sun in his eyes. He quietly cursed at himself for always forgetting the damn blinds. He remained under the pillows for a minute or two and the stuck his hand out to reach for his watch. Not feeling anything, he thought that it must be on the floor and got out of bed altogether. When he couldn't find it there either he sat down on the bed again as an image flashed before his eyes. He remembered taking it off and placing it on the sink, her sink. He realized that he would have to see her again, earlier that usually. The though made him happy in a way, but then he stopped himself, he knew he couldn't think that way.
After getting dressed he heard his phone ring and got it out of his jacket pocket. Instantly he knew it was from her, who else could it be? He knew what it would say, but he longed to see the words. He longed for her.
That was the first time that he had actually though that thought. It sacred him, it wasn't part of the deal, it wasn't supposed to get this far. You weren't supposed to get in this deep, he said to himself as he answered the text and made his way out of the room.
You left your watch here. I'm at home tonight if you have time to drop by and pick it up.
Sure, I'll be there around 9.
There it was, in black and white. Tonight at 9. He was coming here, again, but not as usual. Things were different this time. She didn't know if that made her happy or sad or anything. She wanted him to come, she liked having him around, even if it was only for a short moment. He made her happy.
She was tired of denying it all the time. It was as simple as that, she liked having him around. She had to stop lying to herself at some point, why not now? He was coming over and she was happy about it. She only wished that things weren't so complicated.
She frowned a bit as she thought about it but, what would life be without complications?
Far too easy, was the only fair answer to it.
---
It was almost time for him to leave. He was nervous, he had never been nervous when meeting her before. He didn't know why. Maybe it was the change of days, maybe nothing particular. He just couldn't sit still, he had to do something every moment of the day, all day. How could something as simple as a forgotten watch cause so much, so much... He wasn't even sure what it had caused. He knew that he was happy though. Happy to see her again and to speak to her, if only for a minute. That was all he needed. The more time they spent together, the more he wanted. It was like an addiction he couldn't get rid of. Maybe they never should have continued it in the first place. But he had a hard time believing that, somehow he felt like this was meant to be.
If only things weren't so complicated. He knew things had started of in a weird way but he could never have dreamed that it would get this far. It wasn't supposed to have gotten this far. It was almost as if the whole thing was slipping away from him and into the hands of someone else. He thought about how much easier everything would be if someone just told him what to do. Let me be the silent watcher for once, push me around, control me, and let someone else make my mistakes for me. I'm sick of it.
It was time to leave and maybe time to do something. But then he stopped that line of thought, he couldn't believe he hadn't done it before. Seriously, he had never let it get this far before. He was actually planning to do something. He mentally punched himself in the face and got into the car. This night wasn't going to be any different than the others.
---
She heard the car pull up on the driveway and got up from her usual spot on the couch. As she walked towards the door she let her hair out from its clip and ran her fingers through it. She was nervous and didn't know what to expect. This wasn't like it always was, it was the wrong day, the wrong intentions and the wrong her. Everything was wrong. She hadn't gotten over the night before yet, it still kept repeating itself in her mind and she wasn't sure of how it would affect her behavior towards him. But, then again, maybe it wouldn't. Maybe things would be like they always were when they met. Simple and uncomplicated. Nothing more, nothing less.
She didn't know what to expect.
She heard the boards squeak as he stepped onto the porch. He was only inches from her now and her heart was beating faster. 'Why am I this nervous?' It's not as anything has changed. Things are still the same.
He took his hand out of his pocket and gently tapped the doorframe. His heart was beating faster now, why? He had no idea. This wasn't any different from yesterday. Nothing has changed.
She opened the door and stepped aside to let him in. She smiled at him and felt all warm inside as he returned it.
'I'm so sorry for this', he said and moved closer.
She looked beautiful tonight, he knew he shouldn't let it get to him but he couldn't help it. He pushed a stray hair out of her face and gently cupped her face. He leaned in and gave her the lightest kiss.
To him, one single kiss had never meant more. The feelings that rushed through his body made him all warm inside. He never wanted it to go away. He wanted to stay in this moment forever.
He pulled away but didn't take his hand off her cheek.
'I'm sorry to', she said and pulled him closer. The moment her lips touched his for the second time was pure bliss. There was no other way to describe it. She never wanted to let go. If they could only stay like this forever. If only.
After letting go of each other he made his way into the living room and sat down on the couch. He put his head in his hands and let out a quiet sigh.
'I never meant for things to get this complicated, you know that don't you?'
'I know that and I never meant for that either.'
'How could we let this get this far?' He looked up at her with a puzzled look on his face.
She sat down beside him as she answered, 'I don't know. I really don't know.'
Don't tell a lie. Don't tell a lie unless you know for sure that you are going to get away with it. Don't tell a lie to someone you've just met, even if you don't think that you are ever going to meet them again.
Because you never know, you never know if you'll meet the person again or if you'll want to meet the person again. And if you do meet the person again, things are a lot more complicated than if you hadn't started of with that small, insignificant lie.
I may seem like the most natural thing to do, but as time goes by, the lie will most likely come back to haunt you. It will never leave you alone.
This thought was haunting him now. Why couldn't he have told the truth, if he had then maybe things wouldn't be so complicated right now. Maybe it would be a lot easier.
But then he remembered, things wouldn't be any easier. He had forgotten the most important part of this equation, her. He had forgotten about her.
This wasn't only about him and his lie, even if he hadn't lied, she'd still be out of his reach. And he still wouldn't be able to get to her, anymore than he did now.
Maybe this was as good as it was going to get. Nothing more, nothing less, just like they had planned for it to be.
---
She wished, from the bottom of her heart, that she had told him from the beginning. If she had, maybe things would have been a lot clearer now. A lot less complicated.
But, then again, this wasn't only about her anymore. It was about him too. And that's where she felt lost. She had never been in a situation like this before. She didn't know how to act or what to say. Always waiting for someone else to make the first move that was what she did and what she was good at.
She didn't want to be in this position, but at the same time she felt lucky that she was. Despite all the complications and all the things left unsaid, she wanted to feel his touch, even if it was only once a week. That touch, once a week, was what made the rest of her week bearable. It was what she lived on and gathered her strength from. She hated herself for letting it affect her like this, letting her be consumed by him, yet she didn't stop.
If only things hadn't started of like this. If only she hadn't felt the need to lie. Then maybe things would have been a lot different now. But then again, this wasn't only up to her anymore. They were in this together, whether they wanted to or not.
---
'I…' he began but then closed his mouth. He didn't know what to say to her anymore. He searched desperately for the right words, the words to fix all this, but he knew they wouldn't just magically appear. He had to fight for it; he had to fight for her, and for the first time he felt ready to do just that, fight.
As quickly as the thought came to him it vanished. He could fight, but it would be for nothing. He had forgotten about her yet again, he couldn't fight unless she wanted him to.
How he longed for her to say those words, just a simple phrase, that would mean so much, mean the world to him. In this moment, it was all his heart longed for.
---
'Why don't I just tell him how I feel?' she thought to her self as she looked at him. She watched his lips move, as to say something, but nothing more than an 'I' came out. Defeated yet again, she returned her gaze to her hands, not bearing to look at him anymore. She knew it would be so easy, just say those simple words, but somehow she couldn't get them out.
Afraid of hearing him not say them back, afraid of opening up to someone who couldn't open up back. It was her hearts wish, to hear him say those words, but she knew they wouldn't come. And all because of her stupid mistake, a mistake that undoubtedly would never stop haunting her.
'But he kissed me' she tried to reason. she had to hold on to that last glimmer of hope, she wasn't ready to let go just yet, despite all the hurt this was causing her, she didn't want to let him go. He meant to much to her.
'I should go' she heard him say and looked up at him again. She focused her eyes on his and could see a hint of sadness to them. Probably the same that could be found in hers.
---
'I guess so' she answered back and he couldn't help but sigh. All he wanted was to stay here, with her, but he knew he couldn't. Maybe this just wasn't supposed to be anything more than what it was planned to be. But at the same time, he had a hard time believing that. Their meeting and every single thing that followed it, it had to be meant to happen. They had to be meant to happen.
He got up from the couch and walked towards the door, stopping when his hand reached the handle. Despite the number of times he'd walked this walk, something had changed this time. He didn't want to leave, mainly because he knew that if he did, the chances of him coming back would be reduced to almost nothing. and right now, he couldn't handle that, he'd cursed himself many times now for lying to her that fateful night, but never before had he regretted it this much. He felt a searing pain in his heart as he slowly turned the handle. It was a feeling he wasn't used to, the feeling of a broken heart.
A heart he wasn't even aware was open for someone to enter and break. It wasn't his style, he didn't go that far, he didn't get that involved, but she had changed him. Changed him into someone he didn't like, he didn't like feeling like this and he just wanted it to stop.
He was only digging himself deeper by each second he spent with her. He knew it but he still craved her. He couldn't stay away, despite knowing he could never have her.
Maybe this was as good as it was going to get between them.
He let out a sigh before attempting to open the door again, but this time it wasn't his heavy heart that held him back. It was her, just the mere presence of her made him stop dead in his tracks, waiting, anticipating, hoping for her to say what he wanted to hear. He slowly turned around but kept his eyes firmly placed on the floor, not wanting to look into her eyes and fall all over again.
'Danny' he heard her say quietly. 'Don't leave me like this'
He kept his gaze on the floor until it finally hit him. She'd asked him to not leave her, maybe she felt the same way he did, or maybe she just wanted what they normally did.
With one last breath he looked up and his eyes locked with hers almost instantly. The longing feeling displayed in them couldn't be mistaken for anything else; she wanted him to stay just as much as he wanted to stay.
But somehow he hesitated, he couldn't keep this up anymore, it was getting too much for him to handle. He wanted to hold her in his arms again, but not at the price of his own heart. He'd never thought he'd say it, but he wasn't ready to gamble with such a high stake.
---
'There, I told him' she thought to herself. Taking a deep breath she let her eyes meet his and she could see a small hint of longing in them. Maybe even the same longing that she felt. This entire situation had been going on for too long, and she had to put a stop to it.
Her heart couldn't take it anymore, and neither could her head. All the confusion and mixed feelings had finally brought her to her knees, and she crumbled underneath it. It had weighed her down completely, torn her into pieces, so many pieces she wasn't sure they'd ever be able to be put together again.
Everytime he walked out that door, he took a small fragment of her heart with him, and tonight he took the final piece. Without even realizing it, he held her entire being, her soul, in his hands, and for once she wasn't going to let him walk away with it.
She knew this was as much her fault as it was his, but logic didn't matter now. All that mattered was that she couldn't let him leave. She had to tell him, even at the expense of her own heart.
'I have to tell you something' she started quietly not taking her eyes of his.
'Ok'
'I lied to you'
'I lied to you too' he answered and if she hadn't known any better she would have sworn he looked relived to say it. Pushing the thought away as a hopeful wish she braced herself for what she knew she had to do.
'The night we met, I lied to you, I'm not with anybody'
He looked confused at her saying this. 'What? Why?'
'There was just something about you, a feeling that you couldn't be touched, and before I knew it I said it'
'So you're not with anybody?'
'No'
'I lied too'
'About what?'
'That night we met, I lied to you aswell'
'About what?' She repeated anxious to hear his reply.
'I'm not with someone' he stated quietly. 'I never was'
She took a step back trying to understand what he was saying to her. She knew it was the words she longed to hear, but at the same time, it wasn't.
'So, where does this leave us?' She said suddenly finding some strength in her voice.
'I don't know'
---
He couldn't tell why he wasn't telling her everything at that precise moment. But something held him back, probably the fear of getting hurt again. He knew he was being a coward, not daring to say what he'd wanted to say since the first moment he laid eyes on her, but he was only trying to protect himself.
'I want you' he suddenly blurted out, not being able to hold it in any more.
'You want me?'
'I want you more than anything I've ever wanted before' he said truthfully still holding her gaze.
'I want you too' she spoke quietly this time, as if afraid of the reaction her words would produce.
'Really?'
'Yes, I have wanted you from the first moment I saw you, but with everything that was unsaid between us, it just complicated things'
'I know' he said and took a step closer to her. 'I have been trying to hide my feeling from you and even from myself but I cant do that anymore, I have to say this, regardless of the consequences it might have'
'Say what?'
'That… I love you. I never thought I would, especially in a situation like this, but lately it has become too obvious to deny. I think about you every minute of every day and even in my sleep, I long for you to be next to me'
Upon hearing these words she gathered all the courage she could find and walked the remaining steps up to him. Placing her hand on his cheek she carefully kissed him on the lips. The feelings that raced through his body at this moment were too many and too deep to describe. All he knew was that it felt so right.
'I love you too' he heard her whisper and he took those words as his queue to hold her close again. He placed his arms around her waist and lifted her up to so that their noses were at the same level. For the first time in the time that they'd known each other, there were no walls between them. Every single feeling that they'd been fighting to keep on the inside was finally let out, leaving them in complete bliss.
Right now, in that moment, the only thing that existed was him and her. They way they always knew it should be. Perhaps all of the confusion and feelings they'd experienced lately was needed. Maybe all of this was suppose to happen. It might have been a bumpy road, but the destination never changed.
It was all meant to happen like this.
They were meant to happen like this.