Metal Gear Solid: Operation Snake Eaten
By dacop
(...no affiliation with the Ateneo Grade School even though I studied there... oh yeah, that school IS historic so can screw me for all I care...)
Chapter 1: Scandalous Mission
Zero: Snake?
Snake: Yeah.
Zero: Ready for this?
Snake: Yep. What's it?
Zero: The Philosophers developed some sort of Virtual Reality machine thing... of some sort I think.
Snake: And? What's the mission about?
Zero: Look, we feel that you're not quite shaped up that much yet. This revolutionary device will allow you to go through a whole mission with just a visor, and a PS2 controller...
Snake: PS2? Controller? Major, what the hell are you talking abou-
Zero: Alright Snake. Climb onto the seat.
Snake: -climbs on what looks like a recliner-
Zero: Put in this visor and then brace yourself.
Snake: -puts on the visor and turns on the "on" button- Ok. Now what?
Zero: Press the start button on your controller.
Snake: Look, Major. I have no idea what you are talking about so please expla-
Zero: I said PRESS IT!!!!
Snake: Fine, fine.... -presses a random button and it happens to be the start button-
Snake: Wow... this feels almost real.
Zero: Soon, you'll be asleep and your entire consciousness will be focused on the game. Did you understand that, Snake? If you die in the game, your body thinks you're dead... and you also die in real life.
Snake: You said this was safe....
Zero: No I didn't, dumbass...
AND NOW, DACOP PRESENTS ANOTHER INSANELY IDIOTIC YET FUNNY FIC!!!
METAL GEAR SOLID: OPERATION SNAKE EATEN
(In the briefing room)
Zero: We've got a serious problem, Jack.
Jack (Snake): What now? Rescuing some weak guy but he ends up being captured and tortured to death somewhere in the end?
Zero: Errr... something like that.
Jack: Count me out.
Game: MISSION FAILED... TIME PARADOX
Snake: Nooo! I must continue! -picks continue-
Zero: Errr... something like that.
Jack: I'll do it, but I have to kill you first! -shoots Zero-
Game: ZERO IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX
Snake: Ahh, shit... -picks continue-
Zero: Errr... something like that.
Jack: Ok, ok... I surrender. I'm in.
Zero: Good. You'll be transported to your mission drop point via Cathay Pacific Airlines.
Jack: Oookay. First class?
Zero: No. Actually, you'll be riding with the cargo.
Jack: Damn...
Zero: Anyways, the codename for this mission, Jack... is the Virtuous Mission.
Jack: Is this some kind of initiation?
Zero: Not quite. This isn't a training op.
Jack: "Virtuous Mission" sounds a little "lame".
Zero: What do you propose we call it then?
Jack: We'll name it... "Scandalous" Mission.
Zero: -snickers-
Jack: What???
Zero: Nothing...
Jack: I learned that word yesterday at Sesame Street. Isn't it cool?
Zero: -snickers more- Ok, ok... enough, Jack. Onto your debriefing.
Jack: I'm taking down notes. -takes out a little notebook and a number 2 pencil-
Zero: Apparently this famous scientist named Doctor Sokolov is being held up by seventh graders in a remote jungle.
Jack: Wait, wait wait... did you say seventh graders?
Zero: Yes... seventh graders.
Jack: -laughs so hard he falls over his chair-
Zero: Okay, when you're done laughing... we'll continue.
Jack: -laughs so hard that he dies-
Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX
Snake: I hate my life... -picks continue-
Zero: Okay, when you're done laughing... we'll continue.
Jack: -stops laughing but fails... and his stamina bar is only 10 percent-
Zero: You're hopeless... -shoots Jack-
Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX
Snake: This isn't good for my reputation... -picks continue-
Zero: Okay, when you're done laughing... we'll continue.
Jack: -immediately shuts the hell up-
Zero: Anyways, these seventh graders are armed...
Jack: But they're... SEVENTH GRADERS!!!
Zero: Yes... scary, isn't it?
Jack: You've gotta be kidding me.
Zero: I'm serious. You have to watch out.
Jack: Ffffttt...... yeah right.
Zero: Anyways, your mission is to retrieve Sokolov, and escort him to safety.
Jack: Got it.
Zero: We'll leave the base at exactly 12 noon.
Jack: 12 noon?
Zero: Right. 12:10 to 1:00, those seventh graders will be on their lunch break.
Jack: Cool.
((At the carrier))
Zero: Are you ready to make history? This is the world's first HALO jump.
Snake: There's something I needed to say, Major...
Zero: What is it, Snake?
Snake: I'm afraid of heights.
Zero: ...Billy, shove him off.
Billy: Roger that, Major. -pushes Snake off-
Snake: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! -screams like a little girl while falling-
Zero: Now, remember to activate your parachute once you're near the ground.
Snake: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Zero: Snake?
Snake: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Zero: SNAKE!!! Are you listening?
Snake: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Zero: Nevermind... goodbye, Snake.
Snake: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH- -hits the ground and dies-
-SPLAT-
Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX
Snake: This isn't real... this isn't real... this isn't real... -picks continue-
Snake: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! -he accidentally pulls the parachute cord-
-FOOOT-
Snake: Whee! I'm hovering over the jungle!
Zero: Now, just aim for that spot of land just near that cliff.
Snake: Gotcha.
-Snake aims for the cliff but he hits the side of the cliff and falls to his death-
Snake: AAAAAHHHHH-
-SPLAT-
Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX
Snake: Wow... I get to repeat my death sequence all over again... ahaahaha. -picks continue-
Snake: I know! I'll head for those trees there. At least the ledge there is lower so I won't fall to my death again...
-Snake passes through the trees but his belt loop gets hooked by a tree branch and he hangs from the branch... he's also upside down...-
-Snakes calls Major Zero.-
Zero: Yes, Snake?
Snake: I reached the landing point.
Zero: That's good, Snake. Now rescue Sokolov.
Snake: Umm, I have a little problem here...
Zero: What is it? There should be no enemies around.
Snake: My belt loop.... it's tangled on this tree branch, and I'm hanging from it.
Zero: For heaven's sake, Snake... can you be any dumber?
Snake: The blood... is rushing to my head...
Zero: Okay, okay... don't panic.
Snake: I'm panicking... I'm panicking!!
Zero: Calm down, Snake... you can get out of this.
Snake: Major... you're not helping!!! -is slightly swinging around-
Zero: Okay, are your hands mobile?
Snake: Yes.
Zero: Okay, go to your survival viewer?
Snake: Survival viewer? What the hell is that?
Zero: Press the start button.
Snake: Start button? Oh yeah... THAT BUTTON.
Zero: Now select "Purse".
Snake: -selects "Purse"-
Zero: Now equip your "Survival Knife".
Snake: Who the hell keeps a knife in a purse?
Zero: What kind of guy HAS a purse, Snake? This isn't the time for your dumb questions. Now equip the damn knife!!!
Snake: Major... did YOU give me that purse?
Zero: ...
Snake: Answer me!
Zero: I wouldn't know.
Snake: I hate you.
Zero: If you won't shape up, I won't tell you what to do next.
Snake: .... -grumbles-
Zero: Ready?
Snake: OK! OK!! JUST TELL ME ALREADY!! I got the knife equipped, so now what?
Zero: Well...
Snake: So, I'll just cut the vine, or the belt loop?
Zero: No. That would be dumb.
Snake: Why? That's the only way I can fix the problem... helooooo??
Zero: No. There's a better way.
Snake: What?
Zero: Press the square button.
Snake: The square, what?
Zero: It's that button with the pink square on your controller.
Snake: Oh. -presses it-
Snake: -his body moves suddenly and his arm uses the knife to cut off the tree branch he's currently stuck on-
Zero: There. Isn't that better?
Snake: -is on the ground on his bottom- Wow. That's cool, Major. Where did you learn that from?
Zero: The Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater official game guide.
Snake: What?
Zero: Nothing... nothing.
Snake: You're weird you know.
Zero: Oh yeah, I want you to meet your mission advisors.
Snake: Mission advisors?
Zero: Snake, this is Para-Medic.
Snake: Para... Medic?
Zero: Yes, Snake. She will be the one in charge of your health throughout your mission.
Snake: So she's kind of a doctor... wait, did you say SHE?
Para-Medic: Anything wrong with that?
Snake: Nope.
Para-Medic: So what's your name, Snake?
Snake: My name? It's uhh... John Doe.
Para-Medic: And they call you "Jack" for short?
Snake: ...
Para-Medic: You know, you're a typical Captain Nemo.
Snake: And what's YOUR real name?
Para-Medic: Jane Doe.
Snake: Very funny...
Para-Medic: I'll only tell you my real name if you tell me yours.
Snake: I'll only tell mine if you answer me one question... and if you answer it correctly.
Para-Medic: Okay, shoot.
Snake: Are you with Major Zero right now?
Zero: Yes, she IS with me.
Snake: Wrong answer.
Para-Medic: Damn.
Zero: Anyway Snake, I want you to meet your second mission advisor.
Snake: Who is it?
Zero: Remember that scruffy, fat, and geeky kid at the video game store?
Snake: Yeah.
Zero: Well that's him.
Snake: WHAT????
Zero: Well, he's also a seventh grader, so he knows a lot about your... "enemy".
Snake: I see.
Stratikeo: What's up, Snake? I'm Stratikeo.
Snake: Stratikeo... nice code name.
Stratikeo: Thanks, man.
Snake: That wasn't a compliment.
Stratikeo: Oh... well I'm the game master here. I'm better in this game than anybody else.
Snake: What game? This is a mission, damn it!
Stratikeo: Mission... game... it's all the same to me, Snake.
Snake: I gotcha... so you're like my mentor for this mission.
Stratikeo: That's right.
Snake: Cool.
Stratikeo: Okay, Snake... try to remember some of the basics of CQC.
Snake: Oh yeah, I developed CQC along with The Boss...
Stratikeo: Yep. And I mastered the use of the Circle and L3 button.
Snake: What?
Stratikeo: Nothing... nothing.
Snake: Alright... commencing Scandalous Mission... now.
Oh noes! Snake has finally begun the Scandalous Mission! What troubles await him along the path to peril? Find out next... on Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eaten!