A little one-shot .Ginny reflects on her feelings for Harry before they got together. I hope you like it. PLZ REVIEW!!
Never enough
People say your first love is called that because it is naturally followed by a second and third one...They say it is just a little crush , some fleeting feeling your little green heart made up to be busy when you tell them how much in love you are. They say that time will mend all wounds when you are deeply lovesick.
They are all wrong.
I fell in love, so deeply, so irrevocably and so entirely that I never got over it.
It started with infinite admiration and progressed to love over the years. He was everybody´s hero. I was just a little girl with a huge crush on a boy out of her reach. He was my brother´s best friend. I was the little sister. I slowly became his friend ,too, after I started to talk in his presence. But it was never enough.
I saw him growing up and maturing and fulfilling all those difficult tasks life presented for him. I saw him crow about the dark and felt my heart swelling with pride. I saw him suffer and wanted nothing more than to hold him, to console him and give him the love he needed to make it through. I never did. I always felt like it was not my place , like I was not worthy to be his. He was so brave and so good, how could I keep up with that? It was like he was a saint and I a small solicitant among thousands. Why should he answer MY prayers? I would never be enough.
I also saw him falling for another girl and it hurt. The first time I caught him staring at Cho Chang like she was an angel or something , I thought my heart would stop bearting, so I would simply fall to the ground and stop living. I felt like my body couldn´t cope with the unendurable pain as jealousy jabbed its icy claws into my warm heart.
But I didn´t. I survived by feeding off another person. I know I wasn´t fair towards Michael. It wasn´t fair to use him but in that moment I needed someone, anyone to hold me and he was just ...there.
It didn´t help to heal my wounds, it was far from that. It rather felt like taking really strong pain killers. They don´t heal the actual wound but they ease the pain to a bearable level. Having Michael made me strong enough to stand seeing Harry falling for Cho although it still hurt like hell. Nevertheless it made me feel better about myself, like I could be precious enough- if not for Harry at least for someone else.
Still, I was weak. I tried to seal my feelings away, however my blockades broke at the humblest things. Harry just had to talk to me, to flash me a smile or to simply catch my glance for a minute and all my passion and love and fantasies ( and desperation because of the former threes) would creep back immediately. Butterflies would erupt in my stomach and make my feel all nervous, my face would become red as a tomato( which is a really bad thing because it clashes TERRIBLY with my hair) and I would forget all decent thoughts my mind had ever formed.
Altogether, the worst thing by far was that I always started hoping again. Hope is the most dangerous thing because it tends to turn us into emotional and breakable fools. It was even worse since against better judgement my heart hoped so desperately and unreasonably that it hurt even more. It stung every time my stupid hopes got shattered once again.
All the same, I couldn´t stop. I couldn´t stop hoping that maybe, maybe one day I would be enough.
In the end, it payed off. Harry started to see something in me and we got together. The day he kissed me the very first time I was overjoyed. I had never been so happy in my entire live.
But still, sometimes I coudn´t stop doubting again. I couldn´t believe he really wanted to be with me. He deserved so much more.
One day I told him how I felt. He just laughed and answered: " Why wouldn´t you be enough, silly? You are all than I will ever need." Then he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. That day it finally sank in. I finally understood that he truly loved me. That he needed me just as I needed him. And that maybe, maybe I had been enough all along.