WARNING!!!
This fic contains strong language and references, as well as possible offensive themes such as gangster slang. Please do not read on if you will be offended.
RANTS FROM THE AUTHOR
Boredom is a funny thing. It possesses the mind to do things like this. Anyway, I just wanted to say a few things before you begin reading.
First off, the writing format is a script style and will remain that way. Do not ask for it to be changed.
Secondly, I hate yaoi! This had little to do with this story, but I had to say that turning male characters into gay lovers, even in fanfics, smudges their good names. What's wrong, fangirls? Can't seem to find the brain power to write a decent heterosexual fic that all audiences can enjoy? Or are your sick minds just turned on by yaoi, and you make excuses like "It's cute!". You rabid fangirls make me sick. ...okay, I'm done. I just HAD to say that.
Three; in this fic, the running gag is that Orochimaru is gay. Please note that I honestly do not think he's gay. I think he's an evil genius, and the only reason he 'wants Sasuke' is for the VERY REASON HE'S BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG!!! HE WANTS THE FUCKING SHARINGAN!!! Honestly...Everyone's conclusion whenever there's a creepy villain who adds a bit of uniqueness to a series is 'oh, he's gay'. You people who have so easily concluded this also disgust me.
Thank you for your time. My rant is over...
On with the fic, then!
DISCLAIMER
I do not own Akatsuki, any Naruto characters, or Chii. If I did, would I be writing a fanfic, or rolling in dough? Let's think about this for a moment.
STORY
We all know Akatsuki became inactive for three years. But one must ask ones'self; why? This is the tale of what the fuck those evil bastards were up to during the duration of their absence...and I'm done using big words. ...what, you still here? Get off my lawn.
THE AKATSUKI'S AROUND THE WORLD IN THREE YEARS VACATION BEGINS!
Orochimaru's lair was as silent and...smelly as always the morning after Sasuke had begun his newest phase of training. What was that training, you ask? Well, put simply, Orochimaru put Sasuke on a tredmill and put a photo of Itachi on the end of a fishing rod, them told Sasuke 'GO GET HIM!', something he did all to easily...what a moron.
Sasuke: ((is still running after the picture of Itachi on the fishing line)) Huff...huff...I'LL GET YOU, You...you...mean type person!!! You killed my family, ate the last box of Waffle Crisp Cereal, AND made me wear out all my well polished insults to the point where there wasn't any point in saying them anymore!
Orochimaru: ((snicker)) At this rate, due to the overexaggerated anime cliche training, he'll be able to move at the speed of light, AND fit into that pretty red dress I've always wanted to wear! Oooh, I can't wait to try out his slim body for myself! Imagine the possibilities!
Kabuto: Indeed, Orochimaru-sama. By the way, a delivery-nin stopped by earlier and had a letter for you.
Orochimaru: Oh? Did you make sure to send him off with a gift for his troubles?
MEANWHILE, NOT FAR FROM THE LAIR
Delivery-nin: ((is running like mad from a fifty foot long snake)) YIKES! I should have listened to mama and stayed in the Ninja Academy! Being a dropout sucks!
Kabuto: Of course. What man doesn't appreciate a 'large snake' chasing after their ass? Fufufufufufu...cough...
Orochimaru: Myesss, Indeed. Now, lemme see the letter...((takes the letter from Kabuto's hands, opens it, and reads)) Dearest Orochimaru-sama, blah blah, dribble dribble, cluck cluck, and here's the point! Says that the Akatsuki World Trip is starting soon.
Kabuto: I thought you left Akatsuki, sir.
Orochimaru: I did, but I already payed the ten dollar travel fee before leaving. I've been waiting for this to start since I started yearning for an all expense paid vacation. Shortly after my fight with that weasel.
Kabuto: It's not all expense paid, sir. You said you paid ten bucks already.
Orochimaru: Nah, I took that from your wallet.
Kabuto: ...uh...your welcome then?
Orochimaru: Like I give a rat's ass if you gave a damn. ((sees a rat)) OOOOOH! A RAT'S ASS!!! ((grabs the rats and feasts upon in)) Mmm...notihn' like a rat for a snack! Now then, it says I can take a guest.
Kabuto: ((eyes light up and he jumps up and down waving his hands)) Oh, me! Pick me, sir!!!
Orochimaru: Hm...I pick...Shmeagle. ((points to Shmeagle, who is in the corner of the room, petting a gold ring))
Shmeagle: My precious!
Kabuto: ((ish shot down)) Um...why him? All he does is tell you to 'fuck off' whenever you touch him or that 25 cent dispenser ring he got at Big Lots.
Orochimaru: You've got a point. In that case, I'll take Sasuke-kun.
Kabuto: WHAAAAAAAAT?!?
Sasuke: HOT DOG! ((is so excited that he forgets to keep running and falls over, hitting his head on the floor)) Ouch...I bit my wip...
Orochimaru: Ooooooooh! Let me kiss it better then, Sasuke-kun! ((evil grimmace))
MEANWHILE, IN ITACHI AND KISAME'S APARTMENT
Kisame: ((is going through the mail, feeding bills to Samehada on his back)) Bill...bill...bill...bill...bill...Ooooh! ((stops feeding and raises most recent letter over his head, speaking in an echoing overdramatic voice)) Twenty cents off laundry detergent! Ah, Tide! The one laundry detergent...TO RULE THEM ALL!
Suddenly, J.R. Tolken rolled over in his grave.
Itachi: ((is playing the SNES)) Any mail for me, man?
Kisame: Let's see...It says here you may have won five bucks.
Itachi: ((drops the controller and runs over to grab the letter)) OOOOOH! This is just what I've been waiting for! Five bucks'll buy me a cup of coffee and a few scratchers! ((opens the letter, reads it, then frowns))
Kisame: ((still looking through the mail)) What?
Itachi: I says here that to be eligible you have to live in the state of New Jersey or have a criminal record that involves pedophilia.
Kisame: Who the fuck would be eligible for that, then?
MEANWHILE, AT OROCHI'S LAIR AGAIN
Orochimaru: OOOOH! I may have won five bucks! ((opens the letter)) AH! I'm eligible!
Sasuke: We live in New Jersey?
Orochimaru: ((evil smirk)) Nope.
Kisame: ...the flashover I just read makes me wish I hadn't asked that question.
Itachi: ((burns the letter by staring at it)) Anything else?
Kisame: Nah, just some letter from the leader informing us of some around the world trip. ((sits on the couch and picks up the second controller)) Play me in Mario Kart?
Itachi: YOU BET! ((sits down and plays Mario Kart with Kisame for like 2 minutes before speaking again)) Hoy, Kisame-san? Doesn't a "World Trip" mean like we get to go EVERYWHERE?
Kisame: Uh...yeah, I guess. Why?
Itachi: No reason. (((continues playing then speaks again)) Hoy Kisame-san? Does 'everywhere' include all the places on my 'places to nuke' list?
Kisame: I guess, man. Just keep playin'. I'm kicking your ass.
Itachi: Got it. ((keeps playing then talks again)) Hoy Kisame-san? Would that trip include the Middle East?
Kisame: I suppose. Why?
Itachi: I though burning them goat-fuckers would be a fun thing to try.
Kisame: Dude, just fuckin' play.
Itachi: Got it, sorry. ((continues, then talks again)) Hoy Kisame-san? You wanna just go on this trip? We might just score along the way, y'know, for like the 800th time. You and I are good with the chicks, y'know.
Kisame: ((a sizzle forms above his head)) Listen, Itachi-san, Kisame the Dead Sexy don't need to go on a worldwide trip to get laid. He can do it by pressing any of his eighty little speeddial buttons on his cellphone, y'hear?
Itachi: Oh, sorry. ((keeps playing...)) Hoy Kisame-san? You just wanna go anyway?
Kisame: ((yells)) YEAH, WHATEVER! JUST FINISH THE DAMN GAME ALREADY!
Itachi: Cool. ((keeps playing... um...)) Hoy Kisame-san? Where do babies come from?
Kisame: ((face turns red)) FROM FED EX TRUCKS, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Itachi: Oh, okay. Thanks. ((keeps playing)) Hoy, Kisa-
Kisame: ((breaks 2nd controller over Itachi's face)) SHAADAP, ITACHI-SAN!!!
MEANWHILE, IN...WHEREVER THE HELL ZETSU STAYS
Zetsu (white): Tobi's been a good boy, so let's give him a treat.
Zetsu (black): O'er my black ass! He gunna beg for his rewards and kiss my dark nuts!
Zetsu (white): Please refrain from such fowl language around my virgin ears.
Zetsu (black): Crakka, fk you!
Tobi: ((falls through apartment ceiling and lands on his back, holding up the mail)) Zetsu-sempai! I brought the mail! Can I join Akatsuki now?
Zetsu (white): Why of course you can! I'll ask the leader right n--
Zestu (black): Man', shaddap! You can't join us! We some Bloods, man, an' you just a sissy ass crakka!
Tobi: Oh...okay. If I can be as black as you, can I join Akatsuki then?
Zetsu (black): Crakka, we'll see. Bu' right now, lesse them lettas'. ((Tobi puts letters in Zetsu's...um...leaf spine thingies)) Aha! I wuz wonderin' when my hommie wuz gunna start up this shabang! We invited to the World Travel trip whatever thing!
Zetsu (white): Brilliant! I'll get my coat! Tobi's coming too?
Tobi: ((eyes fill with tears of happiness)) R-r-really? I get to go on an Akatsuki vacation with everyone?! This is the happiest day of my life, at least since I lost my pants at that Hikaru Utada concert and ended up on You Tube.
Zetsu (black): Of course you goin'. Who gunna kiss my ass on the trip othawise, hm?
Zetsu (white): MY VIRGIN EARS!
MEANWHILE, AT THE ART ACADEMY DEIDARA AND SAISORI APPARENTLY TEACH FOR MINIMUM WAGE
Deidara: ((walks into a classroom with a Saisori hand puppet on his...hand)) Okay class. Today we're going to learn what art is, hmph. Right Saisori-nodama? ((puts up the hand puppet and ventriloquizes the words the puppet is saying)) Watch your mouth! ((Deidara pretends to gasp then continues with the lame ventriloquism)) The one on your hand!
Random Student Who Looks Like an Ompa Lompa: Mr. Deidara, sir, sorry to say this, but your class sucks monkey nuts! I'm going to join 'Puppets 101' and be taught the art of puppetry to occupy the limited art appreciation my brain has room for and forever shove out everything I learned in this nut sucking pottery class. ((leaves))
Deidara: ((lowers head and sighs)) There goes my last student, yeah. Saisori-nodama, why is it that I am under so much misfortune, hmph? ((mouths the puppet's words)) Because you suck, and I rock, bitch! Drop and give me twenty, or I'll make you listen to one of my boring five hour long lectures on tying chakra strings with style! ((returns to normal voice and puts a finger in the puppet's face)) OH YEAH, YEAH?! Well I'll show you how great art is, you winded bastard! I'll make something every hentai-loving otaku will drool over! I'm going to make...A LIFE SIZED ACTUAL MOVING REPLICA OF CHII, FROM CHOBITS, HMM! ((throws off the puppet and begins working with clay)) Lesse now...aha...mhm...no, not there...Do I want the bust size to stay true to the real deal, or add my own 'fanboy touch'? Best to stay true...and put my finger here...and squeeze here...ew, it's still really wet here, hmph...
SEVERAL WRONG SOUNDING OTAKU STATEMENTS LATER
Deidara: THERE! The Otaku Dream! Awaken, Chii!
Clay Chii: ((wakes up and looks at Deidara)) Chii?
Deidara: ((dances around in circles)) I DID IT! THE LOSERS AT ANIMECENTRAL WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE MY ARTISTIC GENIUS! I have created CHII!
The Chobits group cocks their shotguns
Clay Chii: ((eyes do that persocom thingy)) Mail for Deidara-kun.
Deidara: ((puzzeled look)) Wait a sec...I installed internet? ...it better be broadband. Read the mail.
Clay Chii: Confirm action. Read in normal format or 'lazy ass fanfic writer format'?
Deidara: Hm...LAFW mode, hmph. It's faster.
Clay Chii: ((reads mail)) Dear Deidara, blah blah, talk talk, dribble dribble, The Akatsuki world travel vacation starts soon. Choose a guest to bring, and only one.
Deidara: Oh, right, hmph! I almost forgot that was coming up! Hm...I'll bring you, Chii-chan, and show the world the Artistic Otakuism of Deidara Cornholio Rodregez Sanchez the Third Esquire, aka Bob!
Clay Chii: ((tilts head)) Chii?
IN THE CLASSROOM ACROSS THE HALL
Saisori: ((reads the letter)) A guest? That's easy! I'll bring mom...no...um...I'll bring dad...er...or maybe I should bring mom...This...may take some thought.
AT A CASINO SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVENIENT PLOT DEVICE INDUCED AREA
Kakuzu: Show me the money, baby...come on...come on...
Random Guy: Dude, you're just taking a piss! You aren't even rolling a dice!
Kakuzu: ...((rips the guys' heart out)) MEGA MUNCHES!!! OMFG!!! ((eats the heart))
Suddenly a hand emerges from the urinal.
Random Hand: Letter for mister Kakuzu.
Kakuzo: HOT DOG! ((grabs the letter)) Lesse...nope, nothing about money. Meh...but a world trip sounds nice...because its' free! Thanks' for yer wallet, Kabuto!
IN A DARK BEDROOM RIDDLED WITH TORTURE DEVICES AND OTHER SHIT
Hidan: ((is impaled by spears)) Oh...Jashin sama...the pain feels so goooooooood!
Random Mailman: ((opens the door)) Letter for mister--HOLY FUCK CAKES!!! ((drops the letter and runs screaming like a sissy girl))
AND SO EVERYONE GATHERED AT THE PORT THE NEXT DAY...WHICH PORT, YOU ASK? WOULDN'T YOU FUCKING LIKE TO KNOW?
Kisame: Tell me again how I got dragged into this stupid trip?
Itachi: You touch yourself at night. End of story. By the way, who did you bring?
Kisame: ((pulls out a fish bowl with a goldfish inside)) My little sister.
Itachi: OO
Kisame: What? I'm adopted!
Hidan: Fellow Akatsuki comrades of whom I will one day slaughter as repentance to my god, Jashin, I'd like you to meet the high priestess of Jashin and my girlfriend, Priestess Angelina Franchesca Louise Banana Wana Fofana Bobesca Chan. But you can call her April.
April: ...
Tobi: ((walks up to her and holds out his hand)) Nice to meet you Priestess Angelina Franchesca Louise Banana Wana Fofana Bobesca Chan!
April: ...((pulls out a knife and stabs it into Tobi))
Hidan: Seriously, call her April.
Kisame: By the way, Itachi-san, who did you bring?
Itachi: ((pulls out an aquarium tank out of his pocket and slams it on the ground. It has a sea cow inside)) Your mom.
Zetsu (white): I do say, Orochimaru, it is honestly a pleasure to see you again. What have you been up to?
Orochimaru: Oh, you know, gattling down villages, raping and maiming, the good stuff.
Zetsu (black): Amen ta that, brother! You always was the true gangsta of this crackafest.
Orochimaru: I hear that!
Sasuke: Can we get on the ship now?
Orochimaru: Not until the leader appears! Now go lube your ass up with Vaseline and meet me in the bathroom!
Sasuke: ((groans and walks away))
Saisori: What...the hell...???
Deidara: Isn't she precious?! Chii, say hello to my good pal, Saisori.
Clay Chii: ((bows respectfully)) Chii is happy to meet Saisori.
Deidara: So who'd you bring?
Saisori: ((pulls out two merged human puppets of his mom and dad)) My damomdy!
Leader: You didn't bring anyone, Kakuzu?
Kakuzu: Sure I did! I brought my wallet! ((looks around)) Hoy, where's she-who-must-not-be-named?
Leader: The unnamed member? The fic writer was too lazy to make up an identity for her and decided not to have her in the story.
Kakuzu: I'll pretend you didn't just break the forth wall...but what about your guest?
Leader: ...OKAY FOLKS, LET'S BOARD THE SHIP AND GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Zetsu (black): HELLZ YEAH!!! We gonna bang with the bitches now, nigs!
Zetsu (white): ((ears explode)) AAAAAAAAAAH! LOOK WHAT YOUR RACISM HAS DONE TO MY EARS!!!
Where will Akatsuki's first stop be? Please choose one of the following places in your review:
Canada
Hawaii
Australia
Russia
China
Florida
England
Ireland
Africa
Brazil
the North Pole
Atlantis
Italy
Switzerland
St. Louis Missouri
New York, New York
Washington DC
CAST YOUR VOTES!!!