Disclaimer: 'Enterprise' is not mine, but this story is. Boldly. If I've
spelt anyone's name wrongly I'm sorry - I haven't been able to check them.
Captain's Log, July 25th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 26th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 27th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 28th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report. Signed up to Starfleet to go boldly, not go boredly.
Captain's Log, July 29th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Saw quite a pretty ice planet. Watched it on viewscreen until it went out of sight. Nothing else to report.
Captain's Log, July 30th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 31st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Crew started food fight in mess. Think boredom may be getting to them. Have suggested a karaoke night.
Captain's Log, August 1st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Karaoke night. Lt. Reed sang 'Bohemian Rhapsody', with full Freddy Mercury impressions, and Lt. Mayweather and Commander Tucker on backing vocals. Karaoke now banned on ship permanently. Boredom better than that.
Captain's Log, August 2nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report, except that Reed, Tucker and Mayweather have taken it personally and refuse to speak to me.
Captain's Log, August 3rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Tried to heal rift with officers; told them that it was not their singing that made me ban the karaoke, but that it was over exciting the crew. Not sure if they believed me.
Captain's Log, August 4th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, August 5th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have asked twice if we are going round in circles. T'Pol assures me that we are not, and reminded me of the odds of finding anything remotely interesting out here. Depressed. Started to write Mills and Boon novel in spare time. Have lots of spare time.
Captain's Log, August 6th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Researching novel. Think that Tucker may have taken it the wrong way when I asked him if he knew about the mechanics of having sex in zero gravity. Not speaking to me again.
Captain's Log, August 7th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Came on to bridge to find communications officer listening to the Cardigans on her earpiece, T'Pol reading a copy of 'Men Are From Mars, Vulcans Are From Venus', and that the Tactical station was being used by Reed and Mayweather to play 'Mars Speed Racer'. Boredom getting to them.
Captain's Log, August 8th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Complaints from crew in Engineering that Tucker is insisting on playing Bryan Adams at high volume while he is on shift. Crew have said that this is cruel and unusual punishment and have threatened to stop work. Have given Tucker headphones.
Captain's Log, August 9th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering crew say Tucker listens to Bryan Adams so loud can hear it even with headphones and have threatened to blast him out of the torpedo tubes. Have confiscated all Tucker's Bryan Adams records. Tucker sulking, not talking to anyone.
Captain's Log, August 10th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, August 11th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Went down to Engineering. Found Tucker strung upside down over warp core, with Engineering crew flicking spitballs at him. Apparently he had taken to singing 'Everything I do' very loudly. Have punished Engineering crew, but have told Tucker that he is going to have to abandon Bryan Adams for the sake of crew morale. Tucker sulking even more badly than before.
Captain's Log, August 12th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Tucker refusing to set foot in Engineering, keeps skulking round the bridge.
Captain's Log, August 13th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering officer hanging over my shoulder while I'm trying to command really getting on my nerves. Have arranged to have conference between Tucker and Engineering crew.
Captain's Log, August 14th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Discussion an apparent success - both sides have agreed on a compromise: Rolling Stones to be played in Engineering.
Captain's Log, August 15th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Went to Engineering to see how things are going. All crew carrying out their duties but all of them doing Mick Jagger impressions at the same time. Possibly the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.
Captain's Log, August 16th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. With situation calmed down, am now concentrating on novel. Have changed mind about it being set in present day: it is a historical novel, set on board HMS Enterprise. Story of forbidden love between the ship's captain, Nathan Bowman and amazingly busty serving wench. Searing bodice-ripping going on.
Captain's Log, August 17th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Communications officer has taken up knitting.
Captain's Log, August 18th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Rest of bridge crew have taken up knitting as well.
Captain's Log, August 19th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Some of bridge crew doing complicated multiple-needle knitting.
Captain's Log, August 20th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Bridge crew still knitting.
Captain's Log, August 21st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Bridge crew being secretive about what it is they are knitting.
Captain's Log, August 22nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew presented me with matching knitted bobble hat, scarf and gloves set. All have Starfleet logo and 'Captain Archer' on them, and match uniform. Thanked them. Am touched, but bobble hat not suited to image of Captain.
Captain's Log, August 23rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew have run out of knitting wool and are bored again. T'Pol spending most of time in meditative state.
Captain's Log, August 24th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering still full of mini- Mick Jaggers. Doctor has also taken up Mick Jagger impersonations. Am worried for personal sanity.
Captain's Log, August 25th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Writing novel again. Having problems, since have never personally ripped a bodice, or even come in contact with a corset, so am unsure how to write the bodice-ripping.
Captain's Log, August 26th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have given up on writing after Reed read some of it over my shoulder and pointed out that removing a whalebone reinforced corset with one's teeth is a sure way of losing teeth.
Captain's Log, August 27th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, August 28th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Mayweather fell asleep on his console. Sleeps with mouth open and drool shorted out part of console. Entire bridge crew leapt up to repair damage. Were very disappointed to find there was only one easily replaceable part broken.
Captain's Log, August 29th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew now playing Trivial Pursuit.
Captain's Log, August 30th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Trivial Pursuit questions turn out to be late twentieth century ones that none of them know the answers to. However, have refused to stop playing.
Captain's Log, August 31st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Trivial Pursuit answers have been discarded, and any vaguely plausible answer given with confidence accepted. Mayweather won with very convincing declaration that Mahatma Ghandi was the 1983 Heavyweight Boxing Champion.
Captain's Log, August 32nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Crew engaged in sorting out computer calendar problems.
Captain's Log, September 1st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Found crew in mess all playing 'Starfleet training holovideo drinking game'. Involves taking shot of alcohol whenever key phrases like 'peaceful contact', 'new civilisations' and 'go boldly' mentioned. Most of crew paralytic by time I got there.
Captain's Log, September 2nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have never seen bridge crew so hungover. Reed and Mayweather insisting that they could operate their stations just fine with a hand over their eyes, and communications were being monitored from a curled up ball under the comm. T'Pol looking very smug for a member of a race not supposed to have emotions.
Captain's Log, September 3rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Ship seemed deserted when got up. Then found most of crew playing 'how many people can you get in a Jeffries tube'. Have been reprimanded for leaving their posts (but am secretly impressed at how many people they did actually get in there).
Captain's Log, September 4th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering given up on Mick Jagger impersonations and are now playing tiddlywinks with spare parts.
Captain's Log, September 5th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew spending most of time seeing if they can catch a peanut thrown at them in their mouths. Is my job as captain to keep up crew morale, so have suggested a fancy dress party for tomorrow night. Am going to go as Mick Jagger, show Engineering how it's done.
Captain's Log, September 6th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Fancy dress party total failure. No one had anything to talk about. Every single crew member came as Mick Jagger, except Lt. Reed, who came as Marilyn Monroe. Have my suspicions about him.
Captain's Log, September 7th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Crew still bored and now irritated about how bad the party was.
Captain's Log, September 8th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report. Considering sending out a multiply translated, all frequencies message of 'come on if you think you're hard enough', just to make something happen.
Captain's Log, September 9th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Someone (cannot find out who) declared today 'pigtails day'. Whole crew obliged to come on duty with pigtails in. Whole crew did so, including two crew members armed with rubber bands waylaying me and putting my hair into bunches. Thank god no first contacts made today.
Captain's Log, September 10th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Bublebublebuble. Boredboredbored.
Captain's Log, September 11th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew having breath holding competitions. T'pol passed out. Vulcans appear to be very poor losers.
Captain's Log, September 12th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Went down to Engineering. They were playing 'spin the bottle'. Joined in. Snogged Ensign Peterson (nice), Ensign Smith (hmmm) and the Doctor (yeuch). Not getting involved in that again.
Captain's Log, September 13th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Mayweather has hung fluffy dice above the viewscreen.
Captain's Log, September 14th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. If hang upside down in Captain's chair all the stars go the other way. Reed and Mayweather joined in. T'Pol said it was illogical. Communications officer said it made her feel sick.
Captain's Log, September 15th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Mind bogglingly bored. Have decided, along with Bridge crew that life should have a way of fast forwarding through the boring bits. T'Pol disagrees, but then she has a longer life span.
Captain's Log, September 16th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have had to stop Mayweather using the viewscreen to view his collection of photos of Eccentrica Galumbits (Triple breasted whore of Eroticon 6). Although am impressed by the breadth of his collection. T'Pol rather shattered the mood by pointing out that some of the pictures were physically impossible.
Captain's log, September 17th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Came on to bridge to see very worrying spatial disturbances on viewscreen. Was about to panic, when realised that bridge crew were using viewscreen to watch '2001 - A Space Odyssey'. Again. Have my suspicions that they only do his to annoy me.
Captain's log, September 18th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew started a house of cards building competition.
Captain's log, September 19th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew still building houses of cards. Tucker up from engineering to join in.
Captain's log, September 20th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Becoming difficult to move round Bridge for houses of cards.
Captain's log, September 21st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Hit very minor ion storm, so all of the houses of cards fell over. All that is apart from Reed and Tucker's. On closer examination turned out to be stuck together with plasma sealant. Am very impressed at how fast Tactical Officer and Chief Engineer can run when pursued. Both now in Sick Bay.
Captain's log, September 22nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Due to Reed being incapacitated have new crewman at Tactical post. Seems to have problem - sits with finger above 'fire' button, gibbering about 'little orange men'. Think there may be some previous traumatic experience there.
Captain's log, September 23rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Both Reed and Tucker back on duty, but both walking badly. Glad to have Tactical Officer back who is just overly paranoid, rather than one who is actually insane.
Captain's log, September 24th: Engines functioning normally. Have put all senior members of crew into Brig, and am making them write out 1000 times 'I will not make assumptions about navigation, I will make sure that we are on the right course'. Came to light when saw quite pretty ice planet on viewscreen. Then realised that this was a very familiar ice planet. We have been spending about 2 months going round in a circle. This not my fault. I raised this with navigator, and was told I was wrong. Hah. However, this does make me look bad too. After have released crew must do something about faking previous logs...
Captain's Log, July 25th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 26th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 27th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 28th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report. Signed up to Starfleet to go boldly, not go boredly.
Captain's Log, July 29th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Saw quite a pretty ice planet. Watched it on viewscreen until it went out of sight. Nothing else to report.
Captain's Log, July 30th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, July 31st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Crew started food fight in mess. Think boredom may be getting to them. Have suggested a karaoke night.
Captain's Log, August 1st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Karaoke night. Lt. Reed sang 'Bohemian Rhapsody', with full Freddy Mercury impressions, and Lt. Mayweather and Commander Tucker on backing vocals. Karaoke now banned on ship permanently. Boredom better than that.
Captain's Log, August 2nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report, except that Reed, Tucker and Mayweather have taken it personally and refuse to speak to me.
Captain's Log, August 3rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Tried to heal rift with officers; told them that it was not their singing that made me ban the karaoke, but that it was over exciting the crew. Not sure if they believed me.
Captain's Log, August 4th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, August 5th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have asked twice if we are going round in circles. T'Pol assures me that we are not, and reminded me of the odds of finding anything remotely interesting out here. Depressed. Started to write Mills and Boon novel in spare time. Have lots of spare time.
Captain's Log, August 6th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Researching novel. Think that Tucker may have taken it the wrong way when I asked him if he knew about the mechanics of having sex in zero gravity. Not speaking to me again.
Captain's Log, August 7th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Came on to bridge to find communications officer listening to the Cardigans on her earpiece, T'Pol reading a copy of 'Men Are From Mars, Vulcans Are From Venus', and that the Tactical station was being used by Reed and Mayweather to play 'Mars Speed Racer'. Boredom getting to them.
Captain's Log, August 8th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Complaints from crew in Engineering that Tucker is insisting on playing Bryan Adams at high volume while he is on shift. Crew have said that this is cruel and unusual punishment and have threatened to stop work. Have given Tucker headphones.
Captain's Log, August 9th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering crew say Tucker listens to Bryan Adams so loud can hear it even with headphones and have threatened to blast him out of the torpedo tubes. Have confiscated all Tucker's Bryan Adams records. Tucker sulking, not talking to anyone.
Captain's Log, August 10th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, August 11th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Went down to Engineering. Found Tucker strung upside down over warp core, with Engineering crew flicking spitballs at him. Apparently he had taken to singing 'Everything I do' very loudly. Have punished Engineering crew, but have told Tucker that he is going to have to abandon Bryan Adams for the sake of crew morale. Tucker sulking even more badly than before.
Captain's Log, August 12th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Tucker refusing to set foot in Engineering, keeps skulking round the bridge.
Captain's Log, August 13th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering officer hanging over my shoulder while I'm trying to command really getting on my nerves. Have arranged to have conference between Tucker and Engineering crew.
Captain's Log, August 14th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Discussion an apparent success - both sides have agreed on a compromise: Rolling Stones to be played in Engineering.
Captain's Log, August 15th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Went to Engineering to see how things are going. All crew carrying out their duties but all of them doing Mick Jagger impressions at the same time. Possibly the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.
Captain's Log, August 16th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. With situation calmed down, am now concentrating on novel. Have changed mind about it being set in present day: it is a historical novel, set on board HMS Enterprise. Story of forbidden love between the ship's captain, Nathan Bowman and amazingly busty serving wench. Searing bodice-ripping going on.
Captain's Log, August 17th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Communications officer has taken up knitting.
Captain's Log, August 18th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Rest of bridge crew have taken up knitting as well.
Captain's Log, August 19th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Some of bridge crew doing complicated multiple-needle knitting.
Captain's Log, August 20th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Bridge crew still knitting.
Captain's Log, August 21st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Still writing. Bridge crew being secretive about what it is they are knitting.
Captain's Log, August 22nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew presented me with matching knitted bobble hat, scarf and gloves set. All have Starfleet logo and 'Captain Archer' on them, and match uniform. Thanked them. Am touched, but bobble hat not suited to image of Captain.
Captain's Log, August 23rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew have run out of knitting wool and are bored again. T'Pol spending most of time in meditative state.
Captain's Log, August 24th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering still full of mini- Mick Jaggers. Doctor has also taken up Mick Jagger impersonations. Am worried for personal sanity.
Captain's Log, August 25th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Writing novel again. Having problems, since have never personally ripped a bodice, or even come in contact with a corset, so am unsure how to write the bodice-ripping.
Captain's Log, August 26th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have given up on writing after Reed read some of it over my shoulder and pointed out that removing a whalebone reinforced corset with one's teeth is a sure way of losing teeth.
Captain's Log, August 27th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report.
Captain's Log, August 28th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Mayweather fell asleep on his console. Sleeps with mouth open and drool shorted out part of console. Entire bridge crew leapt up to repair damage. Were very disappointed to find there was only one easily replaceable part broken.
Captain's Log, August 29th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew now playing Trivial Pursuit.
Captain's Log, August 30th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Trivial Pursuit questions turn out to be late twentieth century ones that none of them know the answers to. However, have refused to stop playing.
Captain's Log, August 31st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Trivial Pursuit answers have been discarded, and any vaguely plausible answer given with confidence accepted. Mayweather won with very convincing declaration that Mahatma Ghandi was the 1983 Heavyweight Boxing Champion.
Captain's Log, August 32nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Crew engaged in sorting out computer calendar problems.
Captain's Log, September 1st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Found crew in mess all playing 'Starfleet training holovideo drinking game'. Involves taking shot of alcohol whenever key phrases like 'peaceful contact', 'new civilisations' and 'go boldly' mentioned. Most of crew paralytic by time I got there.
Captain's Log, September 2nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have never seen bridge crew so hungover. Reed and Mayweather insisting that they could operate their stations just fine with a hand over their eyes, and communications were being monitored from a curled up ball under the comm. T'Pol looking very smug for a member of a race not supposed to have emotions.
Captain's Log, September 3rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Ship seemed deserted when got up. Then found most of crew playing 'how many people can you get in a Jeffries tube'. Have been reprimanded for leaving their posts (but am secretly impressed at how many people they did actually get in there).
Captain's Log, September 4th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Engineering given up on Mick Jagger impersonations and are now playing tiddlywinks with spare parts.
Captain's Log, September 5th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew spending most of time seeing if they can catch a peanut thrown at them in their mouths. Is my job as captain to keep up crew morale, so have suggested a fancy dress party for tomorrow night. Am going to go as Mick Jagger, show Engineering how it's done.
Captain's Log, September 6th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Fancy dress party total failure. No one had anything to talk about. Every single crew member came as Mick Jagger, except Lt. Reed, who came as Marilyn Monroe. Have my suspicions about him.
Captain's Log, September 7th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Crew still bored and now irritated about how bad the party was.
Captain's Log, September 8th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Nothing to report. Considering sending out a multiply translated, all frequencies message of 'come on if you think you're hard enough', just to make something happen.
Captain's Log, September 9th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Someone (cannot find out who) declared today 'pigtails day'. Whole crew obliged to come on duty with pigtails in. Whole crew did so, including two crew members armed with rubber bands waylaying me and putting my hair into bunches. Thank god no first contacts made today.
Captain's Log, September 10th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Bublebublebuble. Boredboredbored.
Captain's Log, September 11th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew having breath holding competitions. T'pol passed out. Vulcans appear to be very poor losers.
Captain's Log, September 12th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Went down to Engineering. They were playing 'spin the bottle'. Joined in. Snogged Ensign Peterson (nice), Ensign Smith (hmmm) and the Doctor (yeuch). Not getting involved in that again.
Captain's Log, September 13th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Mayweather has hung fluffy dice above the viewscreen.
Captain's Log, September 14th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. If hang upside down in Captain's chair all the stars go the other way. Reed and Mayweather joined in. T'Pol said it was illogical. Communications officer said it made her feel sick.
Captain's Log, September 15th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Mind bogglingly bored. Have decided, along with Bridge crew that life should have a way of fast forwarding through the boring bits. T'Pol disagrees, but then she has a longer life span.
Captain's Log, September 16th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Have had to stop Mayweather using the viewscreen to view his collection of photos of Eccentrica Galumbits (Triple breasted whore of Eroticon 6). Although am impressed by the breadth of his collection. T'Pol rather shattered the mood by pointing out that some of the pictures were physically impossible.
Captain's log, September 17th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Came on to bridge to see very worrying spatial disturbances on viewscreen. Was about to panic, when realised that bridge crew were using viewscreen to watch '2001 - A Space Odyssey'. Again. Have my suspicions that they only do his to annoy me.
Captain's log, September 18th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew started a house of cards building competition.
Captain's log, September 19th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Bridge crew still building houses of cards. Tucker up from engineering to join in.
Captain's log, September 20th: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Becoming difficult to move round Bridge for houses of cards.
Captain's log, September 21st: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Hit very minor ion storm, so all of the houses of cards fell over. All that is apart from Reed and Tucker's. On closer examination turned out to be stuck together with plasma sealant. Am very impressed at how fast Tactical Officer and Chief Engineer can run when pursued. Both now in Sick Bay.
Captain's log, September 22nd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Due to Reed being incapacitated have new crewman at Tactical post. Seems to have problem - sits with finger above 'fire' button, gibbering about 'little orange men'. Think there may be some previous traumatic experience there.
Captain's log, September 23rd: Engines functioning normally. Course set. Both Reed and Tucker back on duty, but both walking badly. Glad to have Tactical Officer back who is just overly paranoid, rather than one who is actually insane.
Captain's log, September 24th: Engines functioning normally. Have put all senior members of crew into Brig, and am making them write out 1000 times 'I will not make assumptions about navigation, I will make sure that we are on the right course'. Came to light when saw quite pretty ice planet on viewscreen. Then realised that this was a very familiar ice planet. We have been spending about 2 months going round in a circle. This not my fault. I raised this with navigator, and was told I was wrong. Hah. However, this does make me look bad too. After have released crew must do something about faking previous logs...