What Sarah Said
A/N: This was inspired by the song What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie but it doesn't completely follow it. I made up most of it. Enjoy… please don't forget to review! Oh and just to make it clear Sarah was also a witch.
I stood on front of our bedroom door unable to walk through it. It was too difficult to walk in there like nothing had happened. I sighed softly and gently closed the door. I was better off not returning there just now. I walked through the hall and onto the living room. I collapsed on the couch waiting patiently for Sirius.
As the hours passed I couldn't help but feel worried. Sirius was never out for so long and he always called if he was coming home late.
'Maybe he's out with her again,' I thought bitterly.
Raquel Simons was her name. I should have known that an older woman as Sirius new friend was bad news. At first when Sirius introduced me to her I thought it was good for him because he didn't have any muggle friends until her, so I guess I was happy.
Yesterday I stayed at the ballet studio more than I had to. I wanted to practice since I couldn't quite finish the dance without tripping or something. We had a performance for Dracula coming and it was very important for me to do it perfectly. When I came home I stopped at the front door as I began to look for my keys. I kept digging inside my purse to see if I had finally found it.
"Sirius, please don't say that," a female voice had said.
"I'm sorry, Raquel. But I can't do this anymore," she heard Sirius say.
"Why are you saying this? I thought you cared about me!" Raquel shouted.
I thought you cared about me.
The words echoed in my head. Sirius told her he cared for her. Oh God… Sirius is seeing her… Sirius tells her he cares for her. I should have known! I should have known that Raquel wasn't interested in his friendship! In fact I think friendship is the last thing they have in mind!
"I'm sorry. I really am, Raquel… but I can't continue doing this! I feel disgusted by myself! And most importantly, I can't continue doing this to, Sarah."
"Save it, Sirius," Raquel said.
The front door flew open. Raquel stood staring at me with her eyes wide before she past by me saying, "I'm so sorry, Sarah." I watched her go down the stairs and walk rapidly to her car. My eyes returned to the inside of our living room. Sirius stood a few feet away watching my every move.
"How much of that did you hear?"
God, I hate that. Why do people even say that when obviously the way you look responds that question? I am not much aware of how I look but I am positive that angry tears are rolling down my cheeks right now.
"Enough," I told him.
He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He seemed like he was about to pull his hair with the situation. Well this is his entire fault… no one else's! Oh no… Oh no… Oh NO! This is my fault too! Could it possibly be my fault because I have been practicing way too much for my upcoming ballet performance?
"I-Is this my fault?" I whispered painfully.
Sirius looked at me astonished by my words, "Sarah… how is this your fault?"
"I'm almost never here! I'm always at the ballet studio… and always wrapped up with my own problems. I haven't been here for you," I said.
"Oh Sarah… No, sweetie… this is not your fault. You're crazy for even thinking that," he told me. "This is entirely my fault. I know ballet is the most important thing to you and I don't know I wanted to be the most important thing for someone… and then Raquel came. She started- She started telling me all this things and I felt…," he paused looking for the right word, "I don't know like if I was… needed."
I nodded slowly absorbing the information he was telling me. I sighed, Stupid ballet. Stupid ballet making me loose Sirius. "I guess that I didn't tell you anything before because I know how much you love what you do. And love for that. You are so passionate about it that I don't want anything stopping you from doing what you love."
"Please say something," he pleaded.
I raised my honey eyes to his grey ones. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to forgive you for cheating on me?"
He sighed loudly, "No. But you can talk to me… maybe tell me how you feel."
"You want to know how I feel?! All right I'll tell you. I feel like the pain won't stop! I feel like hitting you – "
"Hit me!"
"What?"
"Hit me. It will make you feel better, right? Do it!"
I stood closer to him actually considering it. It's true I felt like beating him! But I knew that deep down I didn't want to. I didn't want to hurt him even though he had hurt me. I raised my hand to slap him but stopped when the tears started to fall freely. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and I allowed it. I pulled myself from his body and looked up at him.
"I also feel like I need time alone right now," I said.
"No, Sarah. Please stay here," he said as he watched me pick up my car keys and walk out the door.
"Sarah… please stay! You're tired! You've been practicing all day," I heard him say as I started the car. I ignored his pleading as I backed up the car. Sirius stood on front of the car so I wouldn't leave.
"Sirius, move or I'll run over you."
"I don't think you would do that."
"I will if you don't get out."
"I'm not moving!"
"Sirius please! I need to be alone for a while," I watched as Sirius walked over to me window and I continued, "I'm not going to go drinking or do anything stupid but please let me go."
Sirius looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly and stepping back from the car. I sped up the car as I watched Sirius from the mirror. He was still on the middle of the road but was slowly walking back to the house.
I always knew that Sirius had a reputation of not being able to be with only one woman but I always trusted him. I had met him right after I had finished Beauxbatons. I was living alone at London working on a library. One day, Sirius Black and his friends James Potter and Remus Lupin entered the very same library which I worked at. Oh the ruckus they made! I had to call their attention like if they were small children.
"Would you three please quiet down? People are complaining and some have asked me to throw you out!" I said.
"Are you sure you want to do that?" Sirius had said with a confident grin.
"I'm sure. If I don't I could lose my job," I told him.
"Well maybe I'm doing you a favor. Maybe you hate this job and hate the fact of working in a library."
I glared at him, "You don't know anything and you don't know me at all so I suggest you shut up."
"Are you mad that I said the truth?"
"Sirius stop it," Remus had said.
"Yeah… stop it, Sirius before I throw all of you out."
I walked back to a shelf were I had been rearranging some of the books into alphabetical order.
"Excuse me! Excuse me! Who is in charge here?" I heard Sirius say.
I turned to look at him and the scene he was making. Damian walked out quickly and stood on front of Sirius. "What can I do for you?" Damian asked nervously.
"I would like to inform you that a woman that works here has been nothing but unfair to us! She threatened us, used uh… foul language and has been nothing but rude to us! I demand you to fire her right away!"
My jaw fell slightly as I watched Sirius ask Damian to fire me. What was his problem?! Damian's eyes were now on me and he watched me carefully as Sirius explained why I should be fired. "Sarah, come here please."
I walked toward Damian as Sirius went back to his friends. "Yes, sir?" I said. I looked up at his disappointed face wishing for Sirius's death. "I have never heard such complaints from one of my workers –"
"Please don't tell me you are going to believe that man. I have been working here for the past two months and I have obeyed and worked hard enough for not to be fired!"
"Yes, Sarah but I did hear you threat him," he said.
"Well I'll admit to that. But I only did it because he and his friends wouldn't shut up – "
"Sarah, I'm sorry but he told me he would sue us if I didn't fire you," he said.
"This is so unfair! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Sarah your job doesn't even pay well. Please go before I call security."
I looked at his for a moment before I grabbed my purse and left. Sirius and his friends were walking behind me. I waited until I got outside to turn and look at Sirius. He stopped walking and looked at me smirking.
"Look… I don't know what I did to you or who the hell you are but you just made me lose my job… A.K.A. what I do to pay rent! So… –"
"Excuse me… may I talk," Sirius said raising his hand for permission. I nodded and he continued. "It's Sarah, right?... Well you cannot be serious that that miserable job was what you wanted to do for the rest of your life? Consider what I did a favor! Now you can do anything you have ever wanted!"
"Are you really asking me to follow my dreams?"
"Yes. Tell me, what is it that you always dreamed of doing?"
"I'm not telling a stranger anything."
"My name is Sirius Black… I'm eighteen. These are my friends James Potter and Remus Lupin… they are also nineteen. Now answer the question."
I glared at him, "Fine. Ballet. I always wanted to be a ballet dancer."
"Good and why don't you join a class and if you're really good you would be doing performances by no time," he said.
"It's not that simple, Sirius. I have to pay the rent," I told him.
He sighed and looked back at his friends, "Go on. I'll see you guys later." He returned to look at walks toward the coffee place next to the library. "Come, Sarah."
I followed him. I wanted to continue talking to him and for some weird reason I was interested on what the guy that made me lose my job had so say to me about what I should be doing. We sat down on a nearby table.
"Do you want a coffee or something?" he asked me.
"No."
"All right. Well Sarah I was thinking that you could borrow some money from me. And no I do not care about the money I give you."
"I am not taking your money!"
He sighed loudly before saying, "God! Why are you being so difficult!"
"I'm sorry but as kind as your offer is I'm going to have to say no because I don't take charity!"
"Fine. What if I make you a deal."
I considered it. "What do you have in mind?"
He smiled triumphantly as he pulled his chair closer to me. "Well you go out with me for as long as I want and I give you the money you need."
"What? No no no! I will not be forced to date you for money."
"Come on I will not disappoint you and if you say no I'll probably stalk you until you say yes."
"Oh my god… I can't believe that I'm going to do this. Fine… when are you free?"
"Yes!" he said triumphantly. "I'm free tomorrow. Is tomorrow good?"
As I kept driving aimlessly, I thought all these memories that made me adore Sirius. If he knew how important he was to me and how much I loved him… Raquel would have never been on our lives. Even though Sirius didn't want to say that this issue was as much as my fault as his, I knew it was. Sirius and I haven't had time for each other since months. I hated that I didn't have time for him anymore and I missed being with him.
I kept driving through the darkness though my vision was getting blurry again with tears ready to fall. Did Sirius still wanted to be with me? Did he want to with Raquel from now on?
The lights and horn of a car woke me from my thoughts. I found myself on the other lane. I was driving on the wrong side of the road! I moved the car as fast as I could but I was too late. Everything from now on felt like a blur. All I could remember was screaming, glass and blood.
&&&&&&&&&
As I sat down on the couch I tried very hard to remember what happened after the crash and how I got here. I jumped slightly as I heard the front door open. Sirius walked in and I watched as he quietly walked to our bedroom. He walked past me without giving acknowledging my presence.
'Is that the way it's going to be? Fine then,' I thought.
I got up and followed him. He was sitting on the edge of our bed staring at mid air. I could smell the firewhisky that he drank from here. I walked closer to him and nothing… he still acted as if I wasn't even there. Why was he ignoring me?
"Sirius."
Nothing.
"Sirius, talk to me."
Nothing.
I got on my knees and gripped on his shoulders. "Sirius you have to talk to me," I pleaded. He looked indifferent. "Sirius, please!" I pleaded. I shook him violently and nothing. Tears began to fall down my cheeks as I got up and began to pace around the room.
What was happening? Why was this happening? Why couldn't he hear me? Why couldn't he see me? I breathed heavily as I panicked.
Was I dead?
I couldn't remember anything after the crash. Sirius can't see me or hear me! I grabbed a vase and crashed it against the wall. Then, I closed my eyes tightly and then I saw it. The vase that I had broken into tiny pieces was on the small table on one piece. I was dead! Why was I here then?
My eyes landed on Sirius again. What I saw broke my heart. He was crying softly. He lay back on the bed as tears ran down his cheeks rapidly. I crawled onto the bed and curled next to him. I pressed my cheek onto his chest as I heard his heartbeat and his soft uncontrollable sobbing. I wrapped my arms around his body not wanting to leave.
"Oh Sirius," I whispered. "I love you."
As the moments past Sirius had stopped crying and he was now quietly starring at the ceiling. I ran my hand up and down his chest as I continued to watch him. He moved his body slightly so he could reach a picture frame on the nightstand. I snuggled closer so I could also see the picture.
The photograph showed me with my pale pink ballet clothes and Pointe shoes. My brown hair was on a tight bun and I was wearing these Rhinestone clips that Sirius had bought for me. I was doing an arabesque penchée.
"My beautiful Sarah. My favorite ballerina," he murmured as he gently ran a finger on the photograph. "I love you so much. More than you knew."
"I'm going to miss you, love," he said to the picture with his voice cracking slightly.
He placed the picture frame next to his pillow and he closed his eyes. I placed my head on his chest with an arm wrapped around his body. I closed my eyes and heard the rhythm of his calm heartbeat. The night passed slowly as I watched and heard Sirius sleep. It took me all night to realize why I was here.
Sirius spent half the night tossing and turning crying my name. I knew he must be feeling guilty for no reason. That was what Sirius would do… take the blame for everything when his loved ones could get hurt or were hurt.
"Sirius," I said softly as I pressed my lips on his forehead.
"Mm?" he said so quietly I could barely hear him. 'He could hear me on his sleep!' I thought blissfully.
"Sirius you need to hear me out okay? Love," I said as I cupped his face. "I need you to move on. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to forget me but I need you to continue your life. I want you to find someone to make you happy and distract you from me. All right?" I said as a single tear fell down my face. "I love you," I whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek.
I got up from the bed as I started to feel different… lighter. I realized it was time to leave. I gave one quick look around the room and taking one last look of my beautiful Sirius. His chest rose and fell rhythmically and I knew he was going to be okay.
"Goodbye, Sirius."
A/N: Hiii. Thank you so much for reading this one-shot! I love the song What Sarah Said and for some reason every time I heard it a ballerina came to mind. I do know anything about ballet, only that it's beautiful and graceful. I like it a lot… I wish I could have done ballet when I was young so I could be a ballerina… but no… I ended up doing cheerleading! (I only did it for two years) Yeah I'm rambling… so bye!
Peace && love.
Please review!