Disclaimer: Once Upon A Time and its characters are the property of ABC/Disney and its creators.
Notes: Re-post. One Shot. Swan Queen. To Amanda. Kristy, thank you so much for beta this story, sorry for all the work.
Credit to the cover: xxtorchxx*tumblr*com/post/56395348010/keep-sailing
One Girl Is Worth More Than 20 Boys
Chapter [1/1]
Today we completed two days on board the ship. It's been two days since we left Storybrooke. I think I'll never get used to the swing of the sea or having to live with those whom one day I swore to destroy happiness, but if it were not for the fruit of their love, I would not be here now. If not for this fruit, I would not have Henry, and thinking better, I would have nothing. I'm nothing without that kid...
So I would be nothing without Emma.
I don't know why I'm thinking about it now. I don't know if it's the dark sky over my head or if it's the loneliness I feel within me that are making me think about those things. I do not know. I just know that the last two days have not been easy, just know that the last two days I can barely close my eyes, I can barely sleep... The first day was due to the sickness of the ship, now it's my concern for Henry.
I looked at the black sky and the clouds that hid the stars, yet what remains of moonshine is capable of illuminating the entire ship. I'm alone and it's already late at night, everyone should be sleeping in their cabins. I had to share one with Rumplestiltskin. The smell of old wood and makeshift beds do not help me sleep, and even though I was exhausted, with my head throbbing due to exhaustion, I still cannot sleep. I don't think I will be able to sleep anytime soon.
I hear footsteps approaching, then I turn and find Emma snuggling against the hull of the ship. She didn't notice me, leans her head on the wooden hull and stays like that. Then I decide to come close, put one of my hands on her back and this brief contact scares her, but as soon as she saw me, she turns back to the position that she was before.
"I'm fine." She answers me, straightening, and I approach her, looking at her face that has a pale tone.
"Are you sure?" I insist, putting my hands on her arm and feeling how cold it is.
"Yes, I'm just feeling sick, it's no big deal." She continues and brings a hand to her forehead. I see her closing her eyes and I feel that she is going to faint right there, so I approach her, this time bringing her body to mine and she just lets her weight fall on me.
"You need to lie down, Emma." I say, but actually I have no idea of how to help her, and once I finished talking, she just puts her arms around my neck and sinks her face there. I don't know how to react or what to say to her, so I just leave her there, feeling her tears coming in contact with my skin and I feel that it isn't only the sickness that she's feeling. I move one of my hands toward her hair. I could just get her away from me, but it wouldn't be right. "Emma-" I start to say, but she interrupts me.
"I don't want to lie down, Regina. I don't want to go back to that cabin." She begins to say and her words getting mixed with her tears. "I don't want to answer to my parents that I'm right or hold my tears ... I just want to be sure that Henry will be ok." And saying that she breaks the hug, but I still feel her hesitation. Then she holds my hand, as if I could prevent her from fainting, because it seems to be about to happen.
She continues to talk while I don't have a clue what to say. So I remain silent and let her say all she is holding in. I see her eyes filling with tears, her lips becoming dry and pale and the color of her face leaving as she struggles more with every word. I don't know what's going on with her, but I know I can't help her.
"I'm a bad mother, aren't I?" She asks me, and it surprises me. I get a few seconds wondering if I should or shouldn't respond, because how many times have I asked myself that question over the past years? How many times have I questioned my methods of education or if my way of love supplied all the needs of that child, who did nothing but love me back ... And I demanded so much of him, even after he had given everything he could ever give me, yet I demanded ... And he was just a kid. He still is only a kid. So maybe I still have a way to recover all this lost time.
"No, Emma. You are not." I answer and at the same instant she shakes her head at me.
"I know that I am." She continues. "For God's sake, Regina, I only had one thing to do, I could have left that city to explode, but I had to protect my son ... And I did the opposite." She says, and I feel something hurting in my chest when she says my son. "But you... You would give your own life to save him. While I couldn't give up the idea of having a family."
"Don't judge yourself, Emma. I did what I had to do because it was my only chance at redemption, but, believe me, for that kid I would do anything, I would back down and give up this curse, that revenge, if I could be sure that he would be happy. You're a great mom. You just need to..." I say and think for a moment if there is anything that this woman had not yet done for my son. "You just need to have more time with him." I continue. "And you will."
She gives me a smile and I can see how much she tries to stay up, but she still forces herself to.
"When all this ends." She starts to say again. "And we go home... With our son. We'll have to end this war, Regina. Whatever still remains of hate in your heart will have to cease to exist. He'll need us more than ever now." Then she squeezes my hand really tight. And I wish I could say something, I wish I could promise that I would try to be good, that I would try to forget all the pain from the past that remains in me, but when I think about it, I feel something. Something that was always inside me: emptiness. And I don't think that I can fill it by myself. I don't think that I can just leave everything behind. But somehow I nod and smile to her. I don't know if it's enough for her, but it's all I can give to her tonight.
"When I told you to lay down, I really meant it. You'll feel better." I say to her, trying to convince her to get back to her cabin. She just shakes her head, releases my hand that she's still holding and turns back to leaning on the hull of the ship. She told me then that she only needed some air and again I see she almost faints in front of me. "I'm serious, Emma. Come with me." I say to her and took her arm, guiding her away from the hull.
"You are not taking me to your cabin, are you?" She asks and I felt her tone getting mixed with some kind of panic that makes me laugh.
"No. Of course not. Rumplestilskin is there, besides, if its air that you need, its air that I will give to you." And when I say that, I look to her, we're in the middle of the ship, I point to the floor and she looked at me confused.
"Do you want me to lie down?" she asks, frowning. "On the floor?"
"Please, Emma. Do you want me to get a blanket for you? I bet that you slept in worse places before." I answer her back.
"And with worse people." She says and I look at her while she sits on the floor, I help her, because she made it clear that she isn't able to do this by herself. "How will it help me?" she asks me, not completely lying on the floor. I look at her for a few seconds, and then I join her. We both stay lying next to each other, with the starry sky above our heads.
"You have to let the ship became part of you." I say to her, and look up to the stars as I can feel her looking at me. "It's like riding… You have to allow that you and the ship became just one, like if your movements create a connection with your thoughts. Allow it take your senses and after that your thoughts… When you realize, you'll be moving along with the ship. And then your sickness will go away." I finish saying and turn myself in her direction, I see her looking at me. She smiles and takes her attention to the sky now. I don't know what is happening, but I can't take my eyes off her.
"We will bring him back, won't we?" She asks me and I see a tear rolling down her face.
"Of course we will."
"And you will make Tamara and Greg pay for what they did, won't you?"
"Of course." I answer her, but then I think again and see that I can't do what I want with them. It would be wrong, but since when do I question myself that way? "They will have what they deserve." I continue, she turns again to my direction and then smiles. I don't know if it's the situation or if maybe she always had that smile and I am the one who never noticed that it was so sad.
"I didn't have a family last year." She starts to say. "And then it was given back to me… I always question myself about the reasons why my mom left me, and I never imagined that the truth would be opposite of what I thought. It never crossed my mind that my past was based on a fairy tale, different of what was all of my childhood." She starts to say. "But, you know, I don't care or it just doesn't make any difference what I passed to. Having Henry and my parents back and with me being able to save an entire town from a curse, kind of makes me forget all of that crap that I lived through."
Then she turned back to me. "I hope I have saved you in the process. Otherwise, I'm the worst savior ever." She said, and gosh, how many things passed through my mind in that moment, because I don't know if it was destiny or Rumplestiltskin's work, but Henry entering my life was the best thing that could had happen to me.
I still have emptiness in me, I know that. But it was big before, and when Henry came, he filled it with everything that only a child could. And I think that Emma had no idea that it's thanks to her that I am what I am today. I'm still full of mistakes, I'm still full of fears and forgiveness to ask, but still I wouldn't be half of what I am today if it wasn't for her. I don't know if she is the best savior that this world has had, but I wish that she knew that she is the best and the only that I've had.
"I think we'll have to go back to our cabin." She said, taking my thoughts away from me and when I was about to question her, I felt the first drops of the rain falling on my face. She then prepared herself to get up, but I stopped her and put one of my hands on her arm, making her go back to the floor. "What was that?" she asks me and I see her face taking the natural color that it had before and I have to control myself to not touch her lips.
"You're feeling better, aren't you? Here, outside, on the floor?" Here with me, I only think that last part.
"Yes, I am. But I don't think that it will be nice if I catch a flu on this ship." She answers and as she speaks I raise my hands to the sky and create a force field around us. She smiles as a thanks and even though she wasn't able to give me any kind of verbal thanks, I preferred that smile. We stayed in silence, as the raindrops fall over the invisible force field that surrounds us. And we stay like that for so long, that I can't barely fell my arms now, but I don't dare say anything, I just turn myself to her and I see that she still remains awake.
"How long can you remain with your hands busy like that?" she asks me and by now I can't feel my fingers because of the position that I am in, but I don't tell her that, I just say: "As long as you want to."And then she put her body closer to mine, and the distance between us is so small and the silence is so profound that I can swear that I can hear her heart beating or maybe it's my own.
She moves one of her hands in the direction of mine and runs her hand over my arm until she reaches my fingers, then she presses them tight, making all of the dormancy and all the tiredness that I feel go away, like it never was here before. And I think that she notices that it's making me feel good, because she inclines her body over mine and doing the same thing with my other arm and then she lies down again next to me, putting one of her arms around my waist and stays close to me, with her face really close to my shoulder. I have no idea of what to do or how to react, I can feel her breath on my shoulder. And before I was controlling myself to not touch her, now I don't know if I will be able to do this.
"Good night, Regina." She says, almost like a whisper, almost in my ear and I feel a shiver on my back. I answer her goodnight back, and allowed her to sleep here next to me. The ship continues its course and like before when I told her to allow the ship and the sea to take over her, now I tell myself to allow that Emma take part of me as well, take part of what I am and what I want to be. If Henry wasn't able to fill my emptiness, maybe she can, and with this thought I let the night fall over me.
I can't lay down my arms or otherwise the force field would disappear, so I wait for the rain to stop, I keep my thoughts to the skies and in the teardrops that fall over the field. I see an image being created as it touches the field. First, it's Henry's face, he seems okay. He's smiling and I smile back to him, even knowing that it's only in my mind. What I see next is me and Emma. On the image that formed, we're both smiling, and she raises her hand in my direction and she hesitated for a second before…
The scene never finishes... the rain simply stops and there's no more rain touching the field. The image disappears and I lower my arms, bringing them back down next to my body, Emma still remains next to me. I turn back and look at her for a few seconds; she's completely sleeping, with one of her arms around my waist. I took her hand then and I could swear that she pressed her fingers on mine. So I close my eyes and let the stars guide my dreams.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
In the next day, we saw the Island for the first time. Rumplestiltskin and I cast a spell of protection on the ship, so no one could see it. We waited for night fall and we used two boats to reach the coast. Hook, Emma and I shared a boat and Rumple and those two idiots shared the other. I never had seen Emma as nervous as I saw her that night and I remember that I had to control myself to not calm her down.
I realize that moment that everything about Emma would be like that: on the basis of self-control. I don't know why I was denying everything that I felt or that I wanted to feel about her. I think it's because I thought that everything between us would have to be slow, but I was so wrong, and I think that my body – or whatever that controls me – knows how wrong I was. Maybe for that, then, I sat beside her on the boat, while Hook was sat in front of us rowing toward the shore. Maybe for that reason I put my arm around her body and with my free hand I held hers and I felt that she was getting calmer, and with a single smile, she gave me all the strength that I needed to fight for my son that night.
Well, ourson...
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Everything that happened after we reached the shore is a little bit confusing. I remember that we fought, I remember that I saw Hook and those two idiots protecting themselves, using one of the boats as a shield. I remember that kids were coming in our direction and they were armed and I screamed that Hook should protect Emma and I heard her screaming my name so many times, while the captain was running with her. There was a Shadow, shaped as a big man, we noticed that it was controlling the kids and we couldn't – actually, we didn't want to – hit the kids. Only Rumple and I fought, only the two of us could fight with that shadow.
We joined our forces and we gave all that we could to hit the Shadow, it scream every time our magic hit it, but the Shadow didn't give up and the kids came in our direction while we did the possible and the impossible to not hit one of them, but some of them got in the way. At the end when the Shadow was getting tired, the children could no longer attack us, but still the Shadow tried to fight, and it fought until the end. Rumple and I fought until the end, but we saw then that we couldn't resist any longer, our magic wasn't strong enough. So I looked at the man who was once my master and I saw, by the look that he gave me, that he was willing to fight to the death to destroy the Shadow. So he approached it and gave all the power that he had left in him to hit the Shadow.
The Shadow hit the ground and I fell, exhausted. The Shadow and Rumple didn't survive the attack and when I looked to the sky, I could see that my body also couldn't resist any longer. I was exhausted, so I closed my eyes and could hear Emma getting close to me. She told me to hold on and she reached for my hands that were burning. I opened my eyes and I could see that she lead my hands to her face and then I saw that my fingers were raw, and her touch was so painful, but still I let her keep the contact. She lead my hand to her lips and kissed my fingers, the last thing that I remember was her drying her own teardrops with my hands that were no longer raw. Then she came close to my lips and kissed me and said – before I collapsed completely – "Don't leave me now, Regina."
I wasn't in any condition to say something then, but if I could, I would say that I would never leave her. I hope that it was clear on the stolen kiss that she took from me.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
When I woke up, I found out that Henry was okay. Actually, he was more than okay, but if we had come one day after that, he probably would be dead by now. We were told that the Shadow had taken possession of Neverland a hundred years ago. It took the body of Peter Pan, and dominated the kids who lived on the Island. It enslaved the fairies so no one could help the kids, until Henry came out. Henry wasn't disarmed; he took with him fairy dust, which I have no idea from where he took it, but I'm glad that he did, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to bring back the magic to one of the fairies named, Tinkerbell.
Once the magic was restored, the Shadow got weak, for that reason we were able to destroy it. Unfortunately, Rumple didn't survive. Tinkerbell told us that the Shadow wanted to conquer all the worlds, but while it had Peter Pan's body it wouldn't be possible, because Peter could not leave Neverland, otherwise he would grow up and would lose his magic. The Shadow started to look for a way to leave the island and found out about a prophecy that said that one boy too powerful would be born and would have access to all the worlds – magic or not. So the Shadow started to hunt for the boy and a hundred years later, it found him.
It was Henry.
He had the intention of using Henry to dominate all the magic of the world. The Shadow used Greg and Tamara to destroy all the magic, it wanted to control everything and everyone. They were not bad people, they were just being controlled by the Shadow, but it didn't stop me to punch them in the face.
We stayed there for a few days, time enough to bring back the peace to the Island. Time enough to get everything that we needed for our trip back home. We didn't think about how to return back home, so Tink and Peter found a new way to do this: flying.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
The plan was that we sail until a certain point, and then fly through London and after that to Storybrooke by another vehicle. Hook said that he would stay because he didn't want to leave the ship and Peter Pan said that he would help me cross the skies, since I was the only one that wasn't able to fly.
We sailed for two days until we came to the place that Peter told us, and then we flew by night so no one could see us. I confess that I'm so nervous about it. Not by the fact that I was the only one that couldn't fly, but by the fact that I don't know what will happen to me when we get to London. I don't know what will happen to my memories or my magic, but still I don't tell anyone about my worries. And I'm trying to forget about it, but it's kind of impossible.
For that reason I can't sleep and now I find myself alone, looking to the stars on the sky above my head. The ship sails in silence and like the other night, everyone is sleeping and leaving me alone with my own silence, but today the silence doesn't look that bad. Emma and I never talked about that kiss and I rather it stay that way; the fact that she never looked for me made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me. But I wish that I could forget about her, that I could erase her from my mind, because now that we recovered Henry, all that concern was erased and left just Emma in my thoughts, so that everywhere I look I see her, and it's getting so difficult to live like that. Maybe it will be better if I just lose my memories as soon as I get to London, because forgetting about her seems easier that just trying something with her. And maybe it will hurt less.
Thinking better, I'd rather endure this pain of loving her than the emptiness that was before.
But I wish that she knew it.
I said goodbye to the stars and went to my cabin, the cabin that I once shared with Rumple. The only thing that was left from him was his coat, so I sit on the bed and look to the coat that I was holding, putting it on the bed in the same second. As I do this, I see something falling from the pocket and rolling down to the bed. I knew I had to see what it was so I put my hand under the bed, but it's so dark that I can't see anything. I put my hand there and felt the floor until my fingers touched something. It's a small bottle filled with something purple. So I sit on the bed and put the bottle close to the lantern that was in the cabin. I can see that inside of the bottle there's something, like a hair or something like that.
I opened the bottle and I could smell the sweet perfume it has, and when I'm about to close it, someone enters the cabin, scaring me in the process and making me overturn the content in one of my hands. The liquid, instead of slipping through my hand, it penetrates my skin and shines for a few seconds before it disappears completely. I look at my hand and then to Emma, who just entered the cabin and now closed the door behind herself.
"There's something wrong?" she asks me and I quickly dry my hand, praying that it was no dangerous potion or something like that and I used my other hand to "cure" the one that was reached out.
"It's nothing." I answer back to her, but I think that she wasn't that convinced because she sits next to me and takes my hand to her and looks at it with some kind of curiosity and then looks at me in the next second.
"I can't see anything wrong." She answers me and lets go of my hand. I stay in silence, because until then, we didn't have the chance to be alone with each other. "But it's not that what worries you, is it?" she continues and I answer that she is right. "So what is it?"
I take a long breath before I continue to talk, but actually I'd rather keep my worries to myself. The last thing that I want is that she has to listen to all of my complaints, but she insists so I explain to her that I have fear of what may happen to me when we reach London, that I fear for my memories.
"I won't let you forget anything, Regina. Not after what happened between us." She says, and that takes me by surprise. I open my mouth to say something, but I don't know what was left for me to say. Anyway, she doesn't allow me to say anything, she puts both of her hands around my face, and pulls me in for a kiss. In the same moment, I can't give myself to the kiss, but the moment I felt her tongue on mine and her hands sliding over my neck, I disarmed all my defenses – if there were any left.
She sits on her knees so that she can be totally in front of me, then she makes me turn to her too. She maintains one of her hands on my face, while the other one goes down my waist, pushing me in the direction of my bed. I know well what her intentions are and my body has the urge to desire the possession of her body, I have no idea to where I should start. For that reason, I allow her to get on top, every kiss she gives me provokes me even more. She gets lost on my neck and takes in my moans, her hands slice between my legs, so I stop her and make her turn in the bed and get on top of her. She looks at me for a few seconds and bites her lips, making it clear that she really wants me.
"I've figured that you wanted to be on top, my Queen." She says to me and laughs next, but I suffocate her laugh with a kiss. I can't remember the last time that someone made me feeling like now, I can't remember the last time I wanted someone as much as I want her.
Each touch she gives me, each kiss and gasp that she takes from me, I realize that I'm crazy for this woman. And I hope that I don't lose my memories, because I want to remember each second of this night. I want to remember her screaming my name when she finally got her climax, I want to remember each kiss, each touch and how she looked beautiful in the morning.
Not one of us cared about the knocks on the door, or that everyone was calling us, we ignored everyone and just slept next to each other. I think that her perfume will never leave my body. I feel like I could never belong to someone else like I belong to her.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
We woke up the next morning and found out that something had happened while we were sleeping: the ship was flying!
Peter Pan and Tinkerbell had no idea of how it happened, but Emma and I knew better… We had flown over London and hours later we came to the border of Storybrooke. It wasn't only me that had fear to lose memories: I could see Snow and Charming holding each other and Henry came close to me and Emma when we crossed the skies into the city. For everyone's relief, nothing happened and we landed the ship on the Storybrooke's bay, where everyone of the town celebrated our victory. For my surprise, everyone received me as a hero, and they thanked me for helping to save the town. And for the first time I felt like a real queen.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
The things between me and Emma were going slow. We wanted to take things slow, we wanted to prepare Henry and we had fear of the other's reactions, so we kept it a secret for a few months, until we found out that we couldn't keep this secret for much longer… It was a raining morning, I had so many things to resolve at the city hall that it was difficult for me to get focused on everything that I had to do, because my mind was always on Emma.
My cellphone rang and a saw a message that asked me: "Are you sitting?!" I laughed with the message and answered it, saying that I was. The next message she delivered was written: "Great! Continue sitting!" and after this message she sent a picture. I downloaded it, then after it finished I opened it, the photo was of a pregnancy test, with two marks on it. I knew what that meant, but still she delivered the next message: "You know what this means, don't you?" I didn't answer this one; I left everything behind and went to the house that she still shared with her parents.
The first thing that she did when she saw me was hug me, while she said that she loved me. It was the first time that she said that she loved me, I answered back and gave her a kiss on the belly, it made her cry, and so I hugged her and tried to calm her down. She asked me how that was possible, and the only thing that I could think of was the potion that Rumple kept in his pocket, so I thanked him for this present, that was unmeant, but still really welcome.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
We told Snow, David and Henry. Snow freaked out when she found out and I had to hold myself to not throw an apple at her head to make her shut her mouth, and if wasn't for David and Emma, I probably would have done this. Of course the freaking out and the hate was momentary, and well, she couldn't kill me anyway, and I knew that she wouldn't want her grandson raised without his mother. David supports us all the time; but I don't think that he accepted us completely, but he wants his daughter to be happy. And he could see in Emma's eyes how much she was happy with me in her life.
–x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
It's the second time that Ruby calls my attention, but I still walk through the waiting room from side to side. Regarding her warning, I will create a hole in the floor if I continue to walk like that. I'm afraid that she may be right so I sit next to her and start bite my fingernails as I wait for the doctor. Emma has been in the delivery room for about one hour now, I couldn't stay with her because I was "too nervous". But I'm not any calmer here outside.
I get up in the same moment that I see the doctor, he has a smile on his face and tells me that now I'm the mother of a little girl. We choose not knowing the baby's gender, we wanted it to be a surprise, but I wish I could have seen Emma's reaction when she found out.
I even tried to hold my tears when I held our little girl for the first time. Emma looked so happy and she hasn't stopped smiling at me. I wish I could freeze this time forever. She gives me some space in the bed and I sit with her with our baby in my arms. She looks so exhausted and her look is so tired and her hair completely messed up, but still she looks gorgeous.
"Isn't she perfect?" She asks me, laying her hand on my shoulder and moving one of her hands to our baby.
"You both are." I answer her and she came close to me and gives me a kiss, telling me how much she was happy and how much she loves me. I answer back, but having our baby in my arms now is like all our declaration of love is no longer necessary. It's like we don't have anything more to say to each other, this baby is the pure expression of how much our love is true and big.
"Peter Pan said in his book that one girl is worth more than twenty boys." Emma says.
"And how will we name a girl whose worth is more than twenty?!" I mocked her, she laughs and looks at me.
"Well, I like the name Amanda." She says and I don't have to think twice before I agree with her.
"Hey, Amanda." I say to our baby, bringing her closer to us. Emma gives her a long kiss on the top of her head and she reacts by touching Emma with her little hand. "I hope you don't give me work for more than twenty!"
x