Finally

Summary: But you know Sean, for once I'm spilling this all. Tonight is where it all stops. Everything will be better I promise. I promise you, Sean. I promise
(One-Shot very dark Ellie/Sean, you've been warned)

Rating: R, pretty intense.

Disclaimer: yes, clearly.

Note: Wow it's 2 am and i'm just posting this. This dark story came out of no where. It was inspired by Rufus Rainwright/Jeff Buckley's version of the beautiful song "Hallelujah" I know this is dark, i know some people can see it totally out of character for Ellie, but I can see it. For some reason this story seems really realistic and beautiful to me. So tell me what you think, I know it's dark, but just tell me what you think. For some reason I'm a little scared of this story.

To be honest I'm writing this now because every time I look at you it's like something is eating me inside. I mean I guess that's a feeling I've had for awhile. Being as fucked up as I am, but what I've done to you is by far is sick, even for me.

So you wanna know? You wanna know Sean? I fucked up bad this time. So bad I don't think there's a way out of this one. God, it's so ironic I just used the word honest to you. Because you know what Sean, for the last six months everything has been a lie. Everything I did, everything I touched, I'm dripping in lies.

But you know Sean, for once I'm spilling this all. Tonight is where it all stops. Everything will be better I promise. I promise you Sean. I promise.

I need to tell you first before I explain it that you gave me everything. You did. Everything was so perfect. Everything was unbroken and simple. I was so safe with you and that's all I remember feeling. Sean you gave that to me. For once everything in my life was coming together.

We were like these two little miniature adults. You and I, living together. Everyday I woke up and I was safe with you. You slept on the couch for a while, but do you remember when that all changed? I came into your room on that night and I remember it was one of those nights that kind of stand out from all the rest.

It was eerily warm for November. The sky was purple, and I couldn't be alone. I came to find you. Did you have any idea that would be the night for us, Sean? Because when I pressed my mouth against yours against the backdrop of the purple sky in our grungy apartment it all fell into place. You were gentle, and perfect, and scared and sure. I was so in love with you; with us. You and I becoming everything I had ever hoped for.

You know I can't let many people in, god you know that to well. You saw me better than anyone. You saw every single broken piece of me, and you took that them all in. You tried to fix me Sean, to put them together but fuck, I'm more broken now than I was before. It isn't just some cuts on my writs anymore. It's something tearing me; something screaming inside. It won't go away.

I don't think it ever will.

This is where it gets difficult. To say this part to you. To try to explain with stupid words what happened next. I don't know if I can. Everything was perfect. It wasn't just some kind of close to some kind of made up perfection; it wasn't stretched out or saturated; it was there.

You were whole and real, and something I had no intention of ever losing grasp of. But you don't understand. Something deep inside whispered to me. I was so scared, I knew the thoughts I was having weren't normal. I knew with every part of me that I was grateful, and that I should be grateful.

The first time was an accident. I swear Sean. I swear. You were working late, and Ashley had convinced me to go to a party with her at his house. She said we both deserved a little bit of fun after everything we had both been through. Back then I didn't even want to go. When we got there I was so nervous. To have you apart from me, to be somewhere without you; it was like having a piece of me missing. I didn't know what to do with myself.

That's when it happened, I panicked. I didn't realize till after it all happened that that was what happened in that moment. Sean, I had given all of myself to you. I had poured so much into you that I didn't have anything left. I drank without you, a lot. I didn't know what else to do. I was stupid and helpless without you. I just remember I kept sipping; I kept trying to open my eyes a little wider. I kept trying to think of something.

I couldn't.

It's then that I felt his hand take mine. I don't remember anything else really, just blurry pieces of the night that is burned into my memory. Funny, how much of that night is burned into my memory; when the part that actually changed everything I can't even fucking remember. When I woke up I was alone in some worn out sheets, I knew. I knew the second I opened my eyes. I cried. I felt the tears hot and sticky shameful and black running down my face. I didn't stop either, all the way home as I took a cab, and as I walked into your apartment. I found a note of yours saying you had gone into work early. I cried even more then, even harder if that was possible.

You had been trying to work extra hours, for extra income for us, trying to take care of me as usual. I tried to shower after that, after that night I scrubbed so hard my skin began to bleed. Every part of me stung, and no part of me could ever be clean enough. I wondered to myself if I would ever feel clean again. You walked into the door three hours later, slipping your hands around my waist and kissing me gently. I wondered if you could tell I tasted like slime. I tasted like lies. Do you remember later that night, when we were watching TV, do you remember how I started to cry? I told you some bullshit lie, about how I was worried about my mother or something. It was the first of many I told you outright, it was the first one I told out loud in what will eventually kill me, Sean.

For the next two days I broke myself down, and ripped everything apart in mad fury and hate. Every single part of me hated myself after that. And later that night as I slipped out of bed and walked twelve blocks to his apartment I hated myself even more. I knocked on his door and I knew he had remembered what had happened between us. I stood in his doorway. I didn't say anything.

It was cold and hard. Ruthless and loud. It wasn't anything like you. It went like that for the next four months, I'd slip away in the night without a word I'd break myself over and over again with him. I broke myself and the idea of breaking you along with me seeped into my darkest thoughts. He was your enemy, and he was fucking your girlfriend. The girl you thought was so innocent, was so perfect, was such a part of you. I wasn't Sean, I was so far from perfect... Jimmy got to me every night. He crawled into my skin and started killing me. Every time a little bit of me died, and I think he knew that.

I never asked him his reasons for sleeping with me. Maybe he wanted to get back at Hazel just like I wanted to get back at you. Get back at you for making me hate myself even more, for making me fall in love with you and then leaving me with nothing but the anger of tearing myself up and needing you for every second of it. I'm pathetic, Sean. I still am. I think you've realized the parts of me that are dying, there isn't much of me left, just enough to write this to you.

I can hear the rain now, your at work now, but you'll be home soon. When you find me, Sean don't cry. I'm not worth it. I packed everything up, every trace of me will be gone soon enough. Soon you can go on living your life, your life before me. I'm so sorry Sean, I'm so sorry. If I could take it all back I would.

So finally now maybe every part of me will finally be yours forever.

Maybe it always was.