Mea Culpa
Summary: It was the anniversary of Elizabeth's death, the day she had put an end to her life. And three decades later, his grief had not lessened. Neither had his love - - - Addition to "The Girl That Wasn't" series - Jacob & Mark based story.
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Mea Culpa: Latin me, through my fault : me,ablative of culpa, fault. An acknowledgment of a personal error or fault
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The coffee sat steaming on the table as he stared into the middle distance, his eyes glazing over as he watched his only daughter play with her child, causing the little girl to laugh and giggle as her mother invented a game using the several hundred soft toys that Annie had amassed. They sat on the other side of the front room, unaware of Jacob's gaze upon them. In the corner of his eye, he saw his grandson toddle towards his father, tugging on his chinos and asking why grandpa looked so "sad" sitting on the couch wordlessly. Jack picked up his son in his arms and attempted to explain out of Jacob's earshot, and upon the movement Sam looked round to her father, tears springing in her eyes. Evidently her diversionary tactic was not as successful as she'd hoped, but Jacob knew it was to be expected.
It was the anniversary of Elizabeth's death, the day she had put an end to her life. And three decades later, his grief had not lessened. Neither had his love. He thought of her every day as he came face to face with pure evil, wishing that she could smile again for him or that they could sit in front of the television and debate the merits of various Fifties sitcoms. Most of all though, he wanted to stop her. He wanted to hug his little princess, and tell her to live. For herself, for him, for her mother. Somedays though he wondered if it would have even made a difference.
They were meeting Mark at her grave the next day, minus Jack and Mark's wife Therese, both who would be looking after the children, tucked away somewhere warm and far away from their parents pain. That morning Teal'c, Daniel and Janet had come round, each offering quiet condolences and Teal'c informed his "little sister" that he'd performed a traditional Jaffa remembrance ceremony for Elizabeth, one specifically for beloved members of the family. Sam had smiled gratefully, wrapping her arms around the man, and weeped quietly in his embrace. He watched as his daughter began to deal with the grief that had haunted her life for so long, and Jacob sat back with a tear in your eye, knowing that for him that time would never arise.
Jack re-entered the room without Jake, and Jacob presumed that his youngest grandchild was sleeping, having been exhausted by his "aunt" and "uncles", much to the relief of Sam, who'd evidently been too overwhelmed to care for her children on that day. Jack sat next to him on the couch, as he swirled the now cooling coffee in its mug, decorated with daisies and sheep; he'd been given it as a gift by Annie months ago, much to his daughter and son-in-law's amusement, "How you doing?"
It was a loaded question, and Jack knew it, therefore he must have been expecting a less than coherent or sensible reply. This was the man who had lost his own son only a decade ago, and whose only reason to lead the Abydos mission was because it was expected to lead to death, "I miss her," He replied, his voice unexpectedly gravelly, "I miss Marie and I miss my little girl."
Evidently he had nothing to say, until his voice started after a period of silence"We're both lucky guys," He began, "We've both got a second chance," Jack gestured towards Sam and Annie who was currently wriggling on the floor underneath her mother's tickling hands, squealing occasionally with laughter, her joy only matched by the expression on Sam's face, "I never thought I could be this happy after...." He paused, his eyes darkening before regaining control, "I never thought I could feel this after Charlie died. We both have second chances to live for who we lost."
Jacob stared into the coffee, having long lost its appeal, "I know I can live my life, and fight the good fight Jack, but Marie was what made it worth living. Lizzie and the kids gave me a reason to open my eyes in the morning when it would have been easier not to. And I hope that's what my daughter and grandkids do for you..." He looked over again at Annie whose blonde hair and blue eyes gave her the spitting image of her mother, "And maybe I can find someone else to share my life with, but it'll always be less. Always."
Jack rested his elbows on his knees, sighing quietly enough so as not to alert Sam's attention, "I know you've been dealing with your loss a lot longer than I have with mine..."
"Exactly," Jacob replied, "And I'll live out the rest of my days loving Sam and Mark and the kids, but that won't stop me looking forward to the time when I finally get to see Marie again and hold Lizzie in my arms," He paused, the depth of his words temporarily shocking even himself, "I've never talked like this about either of them before. Not even with my therapist."
"You had a therapist?" Jack questioned, evidently surprised.
His father in law nodded solemnly, "I never told Mark or Sam; they had their own counsellors to fend off at high school. The Air Force thought I might need some help dealing with losing Lizzie in....that way," He paused, "Apparently relatives of an adolescent lost to suicide often indulge in similar behaviour," Jacob shook his head, "I guess they just wanted to make sure my head was in order."
"I'm surprised you took it," Jack said, "They tried the same thing with me although I was probably less receptive than you."
"I didn't take it. I resisted for a long time," Jacob replied, "After a while I realised that despite my protestations I really did need someone to talk to; I'd lost my wife because of my actions, and my daughter too," He saw Jack frown in confusion at his words, "Let's just say I spent many, many years living with a guilt complex."
"You thought it was your fault," He said matter-of-factly and Jacob realised that unfortunately, they had too much in common in that aspect of their lives.
"It took some desperate soul searching..." He gestured towards his daughter, "....and Sam to make me realise that I wasn't to blame. But there'll always be that niggling voice in my head saying I could have done something."
Could have picked Marie up. Could have been a better husband. Could have been a better father. Could have told her what she meant to me. Could have stopped her.
"Never forget to tell her every day how much you love her," Jacob nodded to Sam whose eyes at that moment darted towards them, a soft smile appearing on her face upon seeing the pair together, "'Cause one day it'll be the last time."
Jacob rose from the couch at that moment, leaving Jack to move to his wife and daughter, hanging his arm over her shoulder in what looked like a casual interaction but to Jacob's eyes seemed as though he was taking his last words to heart. Drifting out of the front room, he climbed the stairs to the guest room where spartan belongings littered the bed, a few magazines he'd picked up from the 7-11 dumped on the side table. As he walked further into the room, he smiled at the new addition on the bedside cabinet; a family photo taken before Marie died; the blonde haired Carter family trying to pose for an Air Force photo and failing completely, each laughing and fussing with their starchy clothes.
And the newest arrival was a pink piece of paper with a two blobs in the middle of yellow paint, one with a red skirt and the other with what looked like grey hair. In awkward writing, he read Grandpa! Happy Birthday, Love Annie and Jake and crosses and hearts filled the page. On the back was Sam's formal handwriting Dad, this is a picture of you and Lizzie which the kids saw from an old photo. Annie says Lizzie lives with the angels now, sitting on a cloud with grandma. We all love you Dad, and I'll always be here for you. Samantha.
He wouldn't forgive himself, but it was moments like that which kept him alive.
Continued with "I Stared At The Sun"