How To (Not) Date Your Best Friend
"Just because Isabela and me have matching jumpers with our names sown on the cuff does not mean I wish to explore her chamber of secrets. We are just FRIENDS." Where everyone thinks Hawke and Isabela are dating. THEY AREN'T. F!Hawke/Isabela MODERN AU
The one thing that people can't understand about Hawke and Isabela is how they aren't dating one another.
Hawke and Isabela were like ham and cheese yet also very much like oil and water; they worked well together, but they didn't mix - Isabela laughed. Hawke yelled. Isabela laughed some more. Hawke gave up and walked around the ASDA a couple of times to get rid of her anger.
Yet they were inseparable from one another in an almost embarrassing fashion that it made Isabela's on and off relationships look laughable considering how most of the time Isabela would really get into the swing of the dates and then half way through phone Hawke when she knew Hawke was sleeping - because Hawke slept at eight pm every night, on the dot and every night when it reached half past nine Isabela would phone their house phone with glee - in knowing Hawke would wake up to yell down the phone at her.
Hawke's situation on dating is actually worse than Isabela's (if that can get any worse) because whenever Hawke goes on dates she actually brings Isabela along - "to make sure my womanhood doesn't get violated too much," - with such a scowl sent to the unfortunate bloke or woman she's dating that they don't even ask why Isabela's there because it's Hawke and you don't ask Hawke these things unless you want Hawke to give a sarcastic drawl of '…And?' in reply.
And then there is the pet names, ugh it was enough to make a kid with cavities overload at the complete sweetness and awfulness that was Hawke's and Isabela's nicknames for one another.
Hawke was nicknamed 'birdy' most of the time but there were those moments where Isabela lost herself in the utter joy of being herself (and falling in and out of Hawke's lap when she was disgustingly high off the drugs Varric kept bringing around their flat - the drugs Aveline turned a blind eye at) and called Hawke her 'sugar dumpling' which of course had only gotten out to the rest of Hawke's and Isabela's friends when Hawke brought it up by complete accident.
(Isabela had thrown her mug of Rockstar at her - Hawke had banned Isabela from drinking for a day - which ended up with Hawke and Isabela wrestling on the café floor whilst Varric wrote it down. Good times).
Hawke was far more subtle about her nickname for Isabela, which meant that it wasn't that embarrassing considering Isabela's unusual nicknames for the other woman but how on earth did people not blink an eyelid whenever Hawke addressed Isabela as 'snooks' or 'yo ho ho' was beyond the normal way of thinking.
And then the sharing of mothers and fathers if it couldn't get any more horrifyingly obvious that Hawke and Isabela were somehow 'secretly' dating without them acknowledging it themselves.
Isabela had never known her mother or father that well, she'd been passed on all the way through her family ever since she was four and that was why she had ended up in a dingy bungalow with her uncle Jack (whom she called Captain Jack) at the age of six. This had also been the time Isabela had punched a four year old Hawke in the mouth for saying Isabela's hair was dumb and so was her uncle's pretend pirate ship.
(Isabela had felt guilty afterwards, hurting a four year old and all, and had dragged Hawke to her room in her uncle's bungalow and had shown Hawke all her favourite spyglasses and glass ships on her shelf. Hawke was too awed to speak).
Hawke quickly wondered where Isabela's mother and father was and Isabela had of course made up a story about how they were sailing around the seas together and that one day they'd come back for her; not that it had bothered Isabela that much what Hawke had thought back then. The younger girl had only been four for crying out loud!
Hawke didn't really understand what Isabela had meant anyway and before the day was out she had dragged Isabela to her house to meet her own mother and father (Leandra was a darling woman and Malcolm was the most funniest person in the world in Isabela's mind) and had announced she could have both of them if the dark-skinned girl wished.
Hawke had also tried to pawn off both Bethany, Carver and her cousin Alexandrea, but Isabela took one look at the squealing Carver and Bethany and had run; children were especially not her forte.
All of these little things and niggles were what made people immediately think that Hawke and Isabela were exploring each other's chambers of secrets, that they were polishing the ol' grinder, that they were commanding each other's shepards, that they were calibrating their guns and so fourth.
However when people asked if they were a couple all they received were Isabela's snorting and Hawke's glare of doom.
"Me and Birdy? Pft! Right. Hawke can't even get into her own knickers, never mind mine!" Isabela would always so in an ever-so eloquent fashion; it would also lead to Hawke also snorting and turning her nose up at the unlucky questioner who even bothered to ask such a question.
"We're just friends." Hawke would often supply Isabela with some back up if she was feeling in a particularly friendly mood that day. "Occasionally we make each other's lunches and make sure we're wearing the right amount of clothes before going to work."
"Occasionally Hawke makes sure I'm wearing pants AFTER work too." Isabela would also say with that sinfully dirty smile of hers. Hawke would then blush slightly and punch the dark-skinned woman in the gut for good measure.
"I also make the sandwiches look like pirate ships. I'm that nice."
"…So yes that's all I can tell you about Hawke and Isabela," Aveline said with a sigh, breaking out of her story to gesture to the petite girl beside her the café where most of her friends were. "Well not all of it but I don't want to be taking up all your time reciting the love life of my friends. Here's the café I was talking about Merrill."
Merrill, who had been listening rather intently to the whole tale (with little aws here and there) looked disappointed at the end of the story, stopping with a little pout that made Aveline sigh and shake her head.
"No Merrill I'm not telling you any more ridiculous tales about Hawke and Isabela," Aveline pointed once more towards the café that was on the other side of the road they were walking on. "Besides they're probably inside and I don't want you flailing everywhere when you first see them."
Merrill tilted her head to the side, addressing the other woman with a curious smile. "Why would I be flailing Aveline? Oh! Are they going to be cute? Will they cuddle?"
Aveline sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose with a shake of her head. "Oh I doubt they'll be cuddling Merrill, they'll probably be just arguing over who feeds the muffin to one another first. It's their daily ritual."
Merrill stared up at the ginger woman with a look of complete wonder, her cheeks flushed and the tips of her fingers pressed together in a way that looked like the younger girl was praying. "A-are you saying they feed each other muffins? T-that's so…Adorable!"
Aveline made an aghast sound at the very back of her throat. "Merrill! You don't even know the two of them!"
By the excitement on Merrill's face and how the young student would not stop bouncing on her heels no matter what, it didn't really seem like Merrill actually cared if she knew Hawke or Isabela or not. She was just that excited and amazed at the adorableness of them both.
"Whatever you do Merrill," Aveline advised in the shorter girl's ear, sending the student a 'just-trust-me' look that Merrill only answered with a small, if confused, smile. "Don't flail when you walk in. Hawke can detect flailing from miles away, so reduce the god damn flailing."
Merrill didn't understand why she would be flailing in the first place anyway, sure this Hawke and Isabela sounded extremely cute but she wasn't going to do anything like flail; that was just too silly even for a little thing like her.
Aveline nodded to someone who looked like one of the café's workers, stopping for a brief moment to pat the tall, lanky man on the shoulder and then address him with a smile that Merrill felt extremely envious to. Why didn't Aveline smile at her like that? She was far cuter. Or so her mother always told her.
And her hair was a nicer colour too, although she really did think his pale hair fit well with his dark-skin and the white tattoos that looked like celtic knots; it was almost as if Merrill was looking at one of those fancy elves from all the fantasy comics she still read whenever she had the time.
"Evening Fenris, working late are we?" Aveline said with another smile that made Merrill look up to see the taller man was staring down at Aveline with disinterest.
"We're going to be closing up around half six so I've got an hour left," Fenris said with a nonchalant shrug before he allowed his eyes to settle on the door of the Hanged Man café. "That and Hawke and Isabela are causing a scene in there. I'm too worried to look."
Aveline arched an amused eyebrow at him. "You? Worried?"
"You would be worried too if you had to put up with the revolting amount of affection those two place on one another each and every day." Fenris grumbled with another shake of his head, turning away from them both to continue cleaning the window. "Enjoy your stay Aveline, order an extra strong coffee for yourself from my bill."
Aveline laughed and cheerfully patted Fenris on the shoulder, turning to push open the door to the café for Merrill to walk into - her eyes looking this way and that way in search for this Hawke and Isabela that Aveline had been speaking about for quite a while now.
It turned out they were both extremely easy to find.
A few feet away from where Merrill was standing she could see a group of people surrounding a table far smaller than the actual group with two participants fighting and struggling over something that looked like a banana-chipped muffin (Merrill could tell what muffin it was because she just knew these things, that and banana was her favourite).
Aveline cupped her forehead with an aggravated sigh, giving Merrill a look from the corner of her eyes. "This Merrill, is the abomination I did not want you to witness when I brought you here."
Merrill stared at the group of people again, taking mental notes on the group and guessing what their names were with what little information Aveline had told her about them.
The first person she noticed was a rather short man who couldn't be over thirty with his opened grey shirt that exposed curled blonde rings of chest hair that seemed to glint in the light the lamps above the group provided. Merrill guessed him to be Varric taking into consideration that Aveline had said that he was a writer and at this time Varric had a pen in his hand and was writing down viciously in his notepad whenever he stared long enough at Hawke and Isabela.
The second person Merrill noticed that wasn't Hawke and Isabela was a moody looking man with his dirty blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, his chin resting in the palm of his hand and his eyes staring at the fighting pair next to him with a sad glint in them. Anders perhaps? Aveline had told her that Anders was Hawke's boyfriend; which meant that Merrill immediately didn't think it wasn't going to last.
("They've dated everyone in our own group. And I mean everyone." Aveline had told her with a shake of her head. "And they've both been dumped by everyone too. Frankly, it's a bit embarrassing. Although to be fair Hawke hasn't gone out with Tallis just yet, she's pretty new herself. But don't worry, she soon will.")
So that meant the only remaining companion who wasn't Hawke and Isabela must be the Tallis Aveline was talking about right? The red-haired petite woman who had her head thrown back and was laughing heartily at the antics of the two women in the middle of the table.
Merrill looked back at her guardian of today - also the woman who had shown her around her new home of Kirkwall - with a confused look. She was so sure Aveline had mentioned others…
"Bethany, Carver, Alexandrea and Sebastian are all at work at this time," Aveline answered her unasked question. "Don't worry I'll introduce you to them another time. Anyway lets go before Hawke and Isabela start wrestling on the floor again."
Merrill couldn't help herself. She flailed.
Hawke stopped from her activity of trying to force hers and Isabela's shared muffin right down the older woman's throat to look ahead at the flailing girl Aveline was accompanying around the city for a few days. Something about the girl being a newcomer.
"Isabela," Hawke cleared her throat and pinched the older woman's thigh to make Isabela look up from their warring hands to where Hawke was gesturing to with her hands. "That girl with Aveline is flailing at us."
The dark-skinned woman next to her also shifted her gaze away from the banana muffin in their hands towards the young girl Hawke had pointed out; eyes darkening in lustrous appeal once she caught sight of the woman accompanying Big Girl. "Well would you look at her Hawke? Who even cares that she's flailing? Look at her big, pretty eyes!"
"I have big pretty eyes too." Hawke pointed out with a morose grumble, reaching over Varric's head to grab her coffee and take a negligent sip from the mug.
Varric snorted and continued to write, whispering to Tallis from over Ander's, Isabela's and Hawke's head with little chuckles and hardly-heard whispers.
Isabela fixed the hair on top of Hawke's head (Hawke was stupid and never seemed to comb her head in the right fashion, Isabela had declared it a chore of hers to fix it whenever she found a stray hair out of place) and patted the pale woman on her very high-cheekbones. "I know birdy, but look at her! She's like a little kitten that you just want to steal and take home! What do you think?"
Hawke didn't even miss a beat to answer Isabela's question. "Go for it Snooks, I'm rooting for you." And then when Isabela opened her mouth to speak again Hawke took the advantage of stuffing the banana muffin inside Isabela's mouth. "Now eat the banana muffin!"
"Never!" Isabela cried out between chewing on the delicious treat that was the banana muffin and using her leg to curl out and kick at Hawke's chair - the result being they both toppled out of their chairs to wrestle one another on the floor; as per usual.
Varric patted Anders sympathetically on the arm at catching his pouting at seeing his girlfriend and his best friend wrestling each other on the café floor. "There there blondie, I give it two weeks before you finally get fed up and dump her."
"I heard that Varric you little - Ow! Snooks! Mind where you put your goddamn elbow!"
"Stop trying to feed me banana muffins then! And mind where you put your flaming knee! My vag will not feel the same if you keep jabbing it with your knee of bloody bluntness!"
Tallis just shook her head and also reached over to pat Ander's arm, looking as sympathetic as she usually did whenever something bad happened to Anders - which meant not a great deal. "Don't worry Anders. You'll find a girl who loves you just as much as Hawke loves Isabela."
"We're just friends!" Two loud, high-pitched voices from the floor insisted. Which the group ignored of course, they never listened to stupid voices from the floor anyway.
A cough broke the group from their usual banter, making all five of them glance up to see that the flailing girl Aveline was with was now in front of them with her cheeks flushed and her eyes gleaming wildly.
Aveline soon followed the girl, gracing them all with her usual stoic nod before gesturing towards the smaller girl with a hand. "Group, this is Merrill. She's new around here so I thought it would be…nice for her to meet some new people. Namely you pack of unwanted insanities."
Isabela's head immediately appeared from underneath the coffee table, a lurid smirk on her face that remained even when she banged her chin on the very edge of the table; her eyes focusing only on the recently introduced Merrill.
"Why hellooooo there," Isabela drawled with her amber eyes moving up and down appreciatively over Merrill's lithe form. "Now why would a delicious sample like you be hanging around with Lady Man-Hands over here?"
Aveline growled and threw the nearest object at Isabela's head - which luckily for the dark-skinned woman turned out to be a plastic fork. "Shut up whore, the girl hasn't even been in here for five minutes and you're already showing off your knickers."
Hawke's head also appeared from underneath the coffee table a few moments later, a look of displeasure on her features.
"Isabela isn't wearing pants today, I tried and tried to get her to put some on but she managed to run out of our apartment before I could catch her," Hawke shot the dark-skinned woman a glare. "It's a disgusting habit."
"Your face is disgusting!" Isabela retorted back with a flick at Hawke's nose and a whisper that sounded suspiciously like 'stop ruining my chances birdy!'
"D-do you live in an apartment together?" Merrill asked Isabela with an adorable stammer that immediately managed to get Isabela's attention away from her best friend for half a moment to answer.
"Of course! Nobody else would let me crash with them! Not even Big Girl!" Isabela answered with a wink towards the staggeringly tall Aveline. "Besides Hawke lets me walk around naked in the apartment, a win-win situation!"
"Only because you let me watch 60 Minute Makeover in peace. That and you let me sleep a little later than usual before calling me at half seven or eight because I truly cannot remember." Hawke retorted back with a frown before she too looked up at Merrill with a rather nonchalant look spreading itself over her face.
Merrill squealed and flapped her arms around uselessly after a few seconds of awkward silence, turning to face Aveline to flap her arms some more until Aveline sighed, took Merrill by the shoulder and led her towards the long cue of people waiting to get their coffee.
Tallis gave both Hawke and Isabela a look that could only mean she was disappointed with them both. "You two cannot stop yourself can you?"
Isabela gave the redhead the most innocent look she could muster. "Was it something I said?"
Hawke sighed and threw the remaining chip of the banana muffin at the back of the dark-skinned woman's head.
I usually would never associate Dragon Age with the modern world because it's just too awesome to be part of the modern world.
But when an idea strikes. It strikes.