Disclaimer: Kenshin does not own the Yuu Yuu Hakusho characters (they are the property of Togashi Yoshihiro et al), and does not make any money from said characters.

What Kenshin does own, however, are all the original characters

in this work. Any attempt to "borrow" these characters will be

met with the katana, or worse.

Idiot Beloved takes place shortly after the Dark Tournament; Firebird Sweet directly follows. For reference, I use a combination of the subtitled YYH anime and the American manga, plus some of the CD dramas.

This particular Christmas tale involves Kitajima Maya, Kurama, Hiei, and a rare appearance by Yuusuke. It occurs a few months after the conclusion of Maya's Tale.

Title: All I Want For Christmas

Author: JaganshiKenshin

Genre: General, Humor

Rating: K+/PG-13

Summary: 'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the town, many creatures were stirring, and one was a clown.

A/N: As always, thanks for reading and reviewing!

"I just want a normal night on the town!"

All I Want For Christmas

by

Kenshin

"Taking a year off here is different than it is in America." Kurama paused, a bit of Sole Veronique on his fork.

A peeled grape stuck to the fish came loose and fell, rolling inelegantly onto the table.

Opposite Kurama, Kitajima Maya glanced out the window as if the occasional stray snowflake was fascinating. She drummed her fingers, and the arctic Saturday evening got several degrees colder.

But as it was the week before Christmas, Kurama had expected some mercy. Still... I suppose I should be grateful that Maya agreed to see me at all.

Ten years ago, when Kurama and Maya were both in middle school, Maya had been captured by the demon Yatsude. By the use of some Dreamflower pollen, Kurama had erased her memory of the terrible incident-or so he'd assumed. But Maya had recovered that memory a few months ago, and was furious with him. And apparently, not yet over it.

He cleared his throat and wallowed on. "It's true." Because of his acquaintance with American-born Shayla Kidd, Kurama explained, he was familiar with American customs. "In America, taking a year off from your studies is a disruption, but you can usually work your way back into the stream of things. Whereas here, you have pretty much tanked your career."

Silence.

I sound like a pedantic fool.

Then Maya turned from the window to give him her full attention. It was not a loving look. "Yet you did it anyway."

There she is, Kurama thought, intriguing, beautiful, seething. Anger only made her prettier: the mink-dark hair gleaming, the cobalt-blue eyes glittering.

"You did it," Maya continued calmly, stabbing a piece of Coq au Vin, slashing with such fury that Kurama winced. "You quit school, disgracing your poor mother, your new stepfather and stepbrother, and very likely all their ancestors."

Well. At least her fire's back.

Place du Pepin was a mid-priced neighborhood bistro, renowned for its classic French cuisine. The tables were covered in cheerful, red-printed cloths; the waiters were swift and discreet. Wanting to re-connect with Maya where no monsters or kidnapers might intervene, Kurama had chosen this spot.

At least the food was good.

"It's only a hiatus." He nibbled a bite of sole. "I had to do it in order to get my mind straight."

Sipping her wine, Maya nodded in approval. She smiled sweetly. "Now that's a project and a half."

Kurama suddenly needed a sip of his own wine.

"Maybe we should have invited that Shayla Kidd. And her whatever-his-name-is."

"Hiei," Kurama said reluctantly.

"Yes, that's right. Even though he tried to kill me."

"Hiei didn't try to kill you. I was his target."

"Whatever. At least I'd have someone to talk to."

"I'm sorry." Kurama felt the beginning of a headache stabbing him behind the eyes. "Maybe we should go."

"No way." She dug back into her chicken. "I paid for this meal and I'm gonna eat every last bite of it."

"Miss Kitajima," Kurama said, somewhat patiently, "I'M paying. I'm the one who asked you-"

"Oh?" She arched an eyebrow. "Then hadn't you better finish your fish?"

If it were Shayla Kidd and Hiei bickering like this-and when were they not?-it would indicate they were enjoying themselves immensely. However, he and Maya-

The headache blossomed to the top of Kurama's head. "I meant," he continued, perhaps a bit too forcefully, "that since I asked you out, I do not expect you to pay."

"Oh, you mean like a date-date?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Then why didn't you say? And maybe after this, we can drop in again on that giant frog."

"Toad. And there isn't enough money in the world to get me into Toad's Palace on a social call."

Maya giggled. And even though it was dark outside, for just a moment, the sun shone on Kurama.

"And when the waiter brings the bill, you can steal his memory, too."

Kurama's brief glow collapsed back on itself like a badly-done souffle.

0-0-0-0-0

Hiei was trying not to breathe.

A cluster of boarded-up businesses, disreputable bars, and nameless back-alley concerns formed the setting for Urameshi Yuusuke and himself to confront a rogue monster.

Keeping a watchful eye on the creature, Hiei recalled that this enclosure was Gouki's favorite hangout, back in the days before Hiei teamed up with Urameshi and the others. Not quite as big as a plaza, its only decorations were dumpsters, broken bottles, and smashed crates.

The venue lay concealed from casual view. A couple of twists and turns away was a shopping district, which did not contain monsters of any sort.

Perfect for a quiet little battle, if not for the stench that hung in the razor-cold night.

Hiei coughed. "No wonder this bastard was hiding in a dumpster. Must smell like air freshener to him."

"Well, ladies?" said their opponent in a wheezy, slurred voice. "Your move."

Urameshi turned his head and spat in disgust. "Why don't you use your speed and cut him into sashimi before he knows what hit him?"

"Because he hasn't done anything yet." Hiei's breath puffed like steam. "But feel free to punch out his lights."

"I don't wanna touch him!" yelped Urameshi, sounding like a panicky ten-year-old.

Can't say I blame you, Hiei thought.

The creature was about eight feet tall, and just as wide, but was not a cube. He... it?... had an everchanging form, like gelatin that had set wrong, no discernible head or limbs, and eyestalks that had the disconcerting habit of sinking back into his body and suddenly appearing elsewhere.

It was-face it-the color and consistency of snot. It also emitted a miasma like rotted eggs, diesel fuel, and compost, with top notes of fresh vomit and raw sewage.

"C'mon," said the slime monster. "Two against one. Ya chicken or somethin'?"

"Something." Hiei had been in rehearsal when he got the call to respond. Where Urameshi had been, Hiei neither knew nor cared. In spite of the cold, Urameshi wore jeans and a thin gray windbreaker over a white t-shirt. Hiei was in more utilitarian rehearsal garb of black sweats and a black hoody.

Koenma must have been in a panic to summon two operatives. Or under the influence of some early Christmas cheer. This could prove tricky.

"How's he managing to talk?" Hiei narrowed his eyes. "I don't see any mouth."

Urameshi ground his teeth in disgust. "That thing's gotta have a piehole. Hasn't shut it since we got here."

"You schoolgirls gonna stand there playin' kissy-face or do I gotta walk over you?"

"You can walk?" Urameshi was impressed.

"I get around," it bragged. "Unlike youse two ginks."

Hiei sighed. "This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I've seen many disgusting things."

"No argument from me," said Urameshi.

"It's the stink more than anything."

"I don't know. Those bumps. That slime."

"If I was the puking type, I'd hurl here and now."

"If puke is all we need, maybe you can call Shay-san."

Hiei snorted. "Maybe you and I can handle this on our own."

"Fine. Just one blast with my Rei Gun." Establishing the familiar stance, Urameshi summoned his power. A high-pitched whine filled the air, while a glow like a miniature Christmas bulb materialized on the end of his right index finger.

"You can't do that here," cautioned Hiei.

"Why the hell not?"

"I'll tell you why the hell not." Hiei was dredging up some smart reply when, without warning, Urameshi Yuusuke leapt at him and slammed him against the brick wall.

0-0-0-0-0

Given the awkward meal that had just mercifully concluded, Kurama was surprised when Maya agreed to take a stroll.

Maya wore a long tweed coat, not one of those puffy down affairs that make even supermodels look like walking rice balls. She was supremely elegant and feminine and utterly unaware of her effect on him.

Kurama had gone out with good-looking women before, for coffee, or a movie-and they were the ones who got tongue-tied, and he quickly lost interest in a girl to whom he couldn't talk.

Maya could talk all right; retorts not unlike Hiei's or Yuusuke's. Kurama's numerous interactions with those two made him familiar in dealing with a smart mouth.

But Maya made his head swim, draining Kurama of his ability to give as good as he got. He sounded like a pompous ass and he knew it-yet he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Maya stopped at a display of toys arranged on a glittering background of fake snow. Kurama struggled to make conversation. "How are you finding things at the Kawasaki residence?"

She beamed. "Central heating is the best invention ever!"

Maya was trying his patience. He was probably trying her patience, too. They were circling one another, too wary to be honest, not wary enough to be hostile.

"Not many houses in Japan come equipped with central heat," he agreed, thinking of the kotatsu, traditional heated tables common to Japanese homes. "Though I am inclined to agree with you on its comfort and convenience. But then the coziness of a kotatsu offers many opportunities."

He shut his mouth, unable to believe he had just said that. The coziness of a kotatsu? What was I thinking? It sounded like a cheap pick-up line delivered by a lecherous fool.

Hiei once told him, "Women hate ambiguity." Well, Hiei, you may have known your own mind at once regarding Shayla Kidd, but I'm still unsure about Maya. Other than the fact that she's quite lovely. And intelligent. And I enjoy her company.

Maya simply looked at him as though he were a particularly disgusting insect she had found crawling near her foot.

0-0-0-0-0

Something sticky, the color of innards and the size of a python, smashed into the wall next to Hiei. "That's a tongue," Urameshi explained helpfully. "Still don't see a mouth, though."

Picking himself up, Hiei glared at Urameshi. "Did you have to shove so hard?"

Urameshi shrugged. "He was gonna-"

"I know what he was gonna." The thing had a projectile tongue like a toad, and Hiei disliked toads. "Try that again," Hiei told Slimeball, "and I'll cut it off for you."

"Big deal." Slimeball shook with laughter, a horrible squelching sound like a vat of boiling intestines. "I'll just grow a new one."

Hiei snapped, "Don't see how that's possible once I separate you from your head."

"Gotta find it first, sweetheart. And looks to me like you couldn't find your ass if it caught on fire. Think I'll ooze on into that bar and snack on a few drunks."

"I have no particular love for drunks," said Hiei, "but I can't let you do that."

"Then I'll start with you two speed bumps."

Hiei thought about it. Maybe Slimeball was a drunk himself, and had accidentally crossed the barrier that separated the human and demon worlds. In an earlier time, Hiei would have been more than happy to kill the trespasser and get on with his business, but he no longer had the heart for such things. As provoking as Slimeball was, he hadn't yet committed any crime apart from appearing in the human realm.

Urameshi said, "Are we gonna stand around here all night tapdancing with this jerk?"

Slimeball laughed, a sound like the flushing of many latrines. "This I gotta see."

"Stick it in your ear, wherever that is!" snapped Urameshi.

Slimeball then suggested they both attempt a stunt upon themselves involving a couple of splintery baseball bats. Urameshi responded with a similarly creative statement.

"Enough," said Hiei, holding out a hand like a traffic cop.

Urameshi frowned at Hiei's hand. "Why is your hand blue?"

"My fountain pen leaked."

"Your-"

"Baystate Blue. Don't ask."

"Let him eat your hand. Maybe it'll poison him."

"Be serious."

"What about you turn into Green Eyeball Guy?"

Majin Hiei? He considered for a moment, then shook his head. "Distasteful. Of no advantage. And I'm so over that."

"Come on, lemme just get this done." Once again, Urameshi took the Rei Gun stance, and the whistling hum filled the air.

"Stop!" Hiei jerked his head toward Slimeball. "You want pieces of that all over you?"

A sickly pallor washed over Urameshi. He lowered his gun hand. "Not really."

"That's what I was trying to tell you before."

"We're going around in circles here."

"Of course," said Hiei. "If you travel the curve of a circle, eventually you'll meet yourself."

"Thanks, Einstein. What about fire?"

"Can't burn him if he hasn't done anything. And think what it would smell like."

"Black Dragon?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Sword of the Archangel?"

"Let me see. Use my most powerful attack on the Walking Cesspool? Knock myself unconscious, wake up in the city dump again covered with sheets of newspaper? Tempting."

Urameshi spun on him, indignant. "Oh, like that was my fault? Back when the two of us went up against the psychotic leprechaun? It was tough on me, too!"

"I can imagine. Newsprint all over your hands."

"Keh!" Urameshi folded his arms. "Who would have thought it needed the both of us to defeat a leprechaun?"

"I'm lucky you didn't use me as a doorstop."

"Any time, man."

Hiei simmered in silence.

There always seemed to be some extra level of tension between himself and Urameshi. Maybe Hiei's humiliating defeat at Urameshi's hands years ago in the warehouse still rankled. While bickering with Kurama or Kuwabara helped keep them loose during battle, with Urameshi, it was having the opposite effect.

Slimeball's thick chuckle filled the alley. "I don't gotta defeat either of youse hinks. You're doin' all the work for me."

Heaving like prehistoric tar, Slimeball continued to guffaw. The guffaws evolved into hiccups.

There came another nauseating sound, as Slimeball cracked open an orifice on the side of its body facing them.

And then it puked.

"I think we found its mouth," reported Hiei.

0-0-0-0-0

Maya had declared herself bored with window-shopping: "It's so much more fun shopping with a GIRL," she said. "Who understands FEELINGS."

As for feelings, Kurama could not recall being quite so off-balance. Why did Maya agree to see me? Surely not just for a free meal-which she did not even realize was free.

Seized by desperation, Kurama suggested, "What about the Silver Moon for some coffee?"

She shook her head. "Still full from dinner."

Kurama took a deep breath, and a deeper gamble. "Would you like to come to my house?"

Maya shot him a suspicious glance. "Is your family there?"

"Well..." Why would she want to know that? Of course they're there. They're never not there. Puzzled, Kurama replied, "Yes."

Slowly, Maya turned a dazzling smile on him. "I thought you'd never ask."

She turned up the street, hurrying now against the cold. It took an astounded Kurama a few eyeblinks to catch up.

Then before he could stop himself, Kurama was talking too much, explaining about Dr. Smith, for whom he worked as a physician's assistant. How Smith had wanted Kurama to take on his practice, a generous offer. Private physicians were a rarity. When you got a cold, you went to a hospital. Smith's office was ideally situated in a plush, quiet neighborhood.

"But," Kurama continued, "I'm not sure I have it in me to be a medical doctor."

"Of course." Maya said, thoughtfully, "There's nothing worse than a doctor who doesn't want to be one. The medical profession must be like taking monastic vows."

"That's exactly how I feel!" It was the first non-pedantic, genuine thing he'd said all evening.

Maya stopped. She lifted her face to his, her mink-deep hair making a lush frame for her pink cheeks and gleaming eyes, startled, pleased, eager. "Why, Mr. Minamino, I-"

He cut her off: "Hold that thought!"

Youki! Kurama could sense it, quite near. The feeling was fierce, compelling, and meant trouble. Steering Maya into the alcove of a storefront, he snapped, "Stay here!"

"But-"

He ignored her protests. Dashing up the street, Kurama headed for the source of the youki.

0-0-0-0-0

In the dirty, reeking cul-de-sac, Hiei and Urameshi were reduced to pointless bickering.

"Puke," griped Hiei. "Just what I needed."

"The hell with this." Urameshi wore a dangerous look.

Slimeball sniggered. "Whadaya gonna do-bite me? I ain't had my rabies shots."

"I'll blast him," Urameshi told Hiei, "you burn him."

"No, you idiot!" Hiei stepped in front of him. "We're just supposed to bring him in."

"Damn. What good's all this power if we can't use it?"

"You girls got power?" burbled Slimeball. "Where? 'Cause all I see's a punk and a pipsqueak."

"Fire," grumbled Hiei. "Tempting. Very."

"You're the fast one." Urameshi gave Hiei a suspicious look. "Why didn't you dodge it?"

"Too busy holding your hand."

"That's it!" Trigger-quick, Urameshi rushed Hiei, fists clenched, ready to clock him, but slipped on a puddle of spew. He fell, sprawling on his back.

Hiei barely managed to stifle his laughter.

0-0-0-0-0

Kurama spotted Yuusuke and Hiei before he saw the source of the youki, but a putrid odor announced its presence even as he dashed into the alley.

Their opponent seemed to have erupted all over them, too.

Hiei's body language was subtle and not easily read, but Kurama could tell he was not happy, as if he wanted to hit someone, and wasn't being allowed to.

Yuusuke just looked mad.

"Kurama." Hiei nodded in greeting. "They called you, too? Dispatch must be busy tonight."

"No." Kurama narrowed his eyes and tried not to breathe. "I was a couple of blocks away when I sensed this... thing."

"Oh, good," slurred the monster. "Another girly-man on the scene. Appetizer time!"

"Yo, Kurama," said Yuusuke, "little bit of help here?"

"My pleasure." He glanced at Hiei. "What's the situation?"

"We need to make a collar," Hiei explained. "Not a kill."

Yuusuke added, "Hiei thinks we got a drunk out on a spree."

Kurama nodded. "I think he's right."

"Always am." Hiei squinted at the monster in distaste.

Kurama assessed the situation, summed it up, knew exactly what to do. "The problem is, you're both too powerful."

"See?" crowed Yuusuke. "What'd I tell you?"

Hiei did not deign to respond. "Can you subdue him?"

"Coming right up." Kurama flicked his hair, scattering a shower of sweet-scented rose petals into the alley. "First, a little relief." This action earned applause from Yuusuke.

"Oh, flowers," laughed the monster. "Real threatenin'!"

"Next..." Kurama reached into his pocket for a round yellow capsule about the size of a gumball. "Gentlemen, step away. This contains spores from a rare plant that lives at the baseline of the Himalayas. You don't want it landing on you."

"Hey, Princess, I'm still waitin' for my appetizer!"

Jumping back with alarm, Yuusuke produced the purple compact with which he could summon Botan. "Too bad you can't paralyze his vocal chords."

"That can be arranged." Flicking the capsule, Kurama got out of the way, fast. It landed on the pavement, breaking on contact, releasing a fine yellow mist upon the monster.

With a last vitriolic curse, the monster froze in place.

There was a pop like a flash-bulb, and Botan materialized, hovering on her oar. In a pink kimono, her glacier-blue hair caught in a ponytail, Botan stared at Yuusuke in frank disbelief. "It took all three of you to handle this thing?"

"Well, no," said Kurama. "I just happened along."

"Ugh." Guarding her nose with a sleeve, Botan said, "That explains why you're the only one not covered in-"

"Can't you just get on with it?" griped Yuusuke.

"Right." Botan collared the blob by means of a small device that looked like a green flashlight: pointing it at the creature, she clicked the tab, and a beam of verdant light sprang forth, surrounding the frozen perpetrator. Then she turned her attention to Yuusuke. "Really, Yuusuke, it's just a ball of phlegm. You must be slipping!"

Yuusuke scowled. "Why don't you yell at Hiei for a change?"

"Him? Might as well holler at the wind."

"Okay, why not Kurama? Why me?"

"Because-"

"Maybe you really had better get on with it," Kurama suggested. "Before the spores wear off."

"I'm going, I'm going," Botan pealed. "Merry Christmas, guys." As she rose on her oar, the frozen blob levitated with her. Giving them a cheery salute, she vanished in another pop.

"Well-played." Hiei grinned at Kurama. "Thanks."

Kurama grinned back. "Any time."

"Busting a drunk for the holidays," mused Hiei.

"Yeah," Yuusuke agreed. "Kinda warms the cockles of your heart." Then his expression changed to puzzlement. Looking past Kurama, he inquired, "Yo, Kurama. Who's your friend?"

Kurama turned. A sensation of ice water trickled down the back of his neck.

Maya stood at the entrance to the alley, her eyes like saucers, her mouth open.

Kurama's heart sank. "What-how-how did you-"

She squealed-but not in fear. "That was truly AWESOME."

"Maya, please-"

"Hey, you were pretty cool." She ran into the arena before Kurama could stop her. "But...oh, my WORD!" Coughing, she covered her nose. "I can still smell it! Just like that slimy thing we saw back in school before the monster kidnaped me! Do all youkai stink?"

"Well, no." Hiei stepped into view. "There's me." He glanced at his reeking jacket. "Only not just now."

Maya edged closer, peering into the gloom. "Is that you? Uhh... Hiei, wasn't it?"

"Miss Kitajima." Hiei inclined his head, making him look so dangerously suave, even covered in spew, that Kurama wanted to strangle him.

He resisted the impulse. This, he thought miserably, is just not my night. Maybe Maya will agree to see me again in, oh, six months. "How did you come to be here?"

"Don't be silly; I followed you. And remember, I used to work as a courier. I know just about every inch of these streets." Maya looked around, her glance taking in Yuusuke as well. "Your other friend-is he a youkai, too?"

Hiei laughed. Kurama introduced Urameshi Yuusuke. In moments Maya was chatting amiably with the both of them.

Kurama felt wholly superfluous.

"I'm starved," lamented Hiei.

"When are you not?" said Kurama under his breath.

"Come to think of it," said Yuusuke, "I probably am, too."

"Too bad we just had dinner," said Maya. "But we were on our way to Mr. Minamino's house, so-"

Yuusuke brightened. "I'm completely up for that!"

Only Yuusuke, thought Kurama, would dare say such a thing. No... please, no...

"Yeah." Hiei scowled at his vomit-festooned jacket. "If not for this-"

Kurama's hopes soared. If Hiei decided not to invite himself, maybe Yuusuke could be persuaded to go home.

But then Hiei shrugged out of his jacket, held it at arm's length, and ignited it.

Yuusuke grimaced. "Nothin' like the smell of burning puke to make you wish you were ten thousand miles away."

Maya giggled.

She might as well enjoy some aspect of this evening.

Hiei's phone rang. "Shay-san," he told them, superfluously. "Rehearsal's over? And I was so hoping to get back on time."

"Why not invite her?" said Kurama, not meaning a word of it.

Hiei didn't miss a beat. "Want to come meet me? And bring an extra jacket. What? No, you don't want to know."

"Why not invite the neighbors?" Kurama said sourly.

Hiei regarded him with dead-serious garnet eyes. "I don't think they're awake at this hour."

But Maya was delighted. "It's like a spur-of-the-moment Christmas party!"

Yuusuke agreed. "You can never have too many of those."

"I'm starved," repeated Hiei, more plaintively this time. "And we can't arrive empty-handed. Silver Moon?"

"Now it really is a party," Maya said. Impulsively, she grabbed Kurama's hand.

Even though she wore gloves, it felt like a live wire racing up to his shoulder. A moment later Maya let go.

Hiei started down the street. "I warn you," he grumbled, "it'll take more than cookies to soothe my shattered nerves."

"Oh, but the Silver Moon has those..." Sketching a figure in the air, Maya fell into step beside them. "You know, the star-shaped ones, with pearled icing?"

"Etoile," said Kurama. "A French word. Meaning 'star.'" He was ignored.

"Maybe I should get Keiko," Yuusuke suggested.

"Sure." Hiei glanced pointedly down. "And no one will mind the puke on your shoes at all."

Yuusuke scratched his head. "I'll run ahead and change." He yelled over his shoulder, "Meet you at Kurama's!"

Hiei cupped his hands around his mouth. "Bring tuna rolls!" Then they headed back to the main avenue, where people swirled and bustled around them, oblivious to the recent battle.

Maya was asking Hiei if creatures like Slimeball invaded Tokyo often, but then she stopped, gave a startled, "Oh!"

"What's wrong?" Kurama asked.

She turned her face up to his. "Won't it be rude of us to all descend on your family at this hour?"

"No." Kurama had to tell the truth. "Bringing home friends? Mother will be in her glory."

They started down the street again, Hiei insinuating himself between Kurama and Maya. "She's grateful he has friends at all."

Kurama shrugged. "I'm not exactly a social butterfly."

"Be honest," said Hiei. "You're a social outcast."

"No, no." Maya shook her head. "Aloof, maybe. Just as you were in middle school."

"Hiei's right." Seeing the effect Hiei's reverse psychology was having on Maya, Kurama decided to roll with it. "I am rather a misfit."

"A pariah," Hiei added. "Completely pathetic."

"Don't oversell it," muttered Kurama.

"No, that explains a lot." Maya was all but skipping. Hiei shot Kurama a sidewise told-you-so glance.

Watching Maya, Kurama smiled wistfully.

Long ago, his mother's patience and love had transformed Kurama into a better version of himself, even if he hadn't then fully understood the ways and means.

It was Kurama who had caused the rift between himself and Maya, because he'd thought he was doing the best for her. Mending that rift would take time.

Or at least patience. And cookies.

"If you two are done dissecting me," Kurama sighed, "can we get to the Silver Moon?"

"Of course," said Maya. "One order of stars, to go."

-30-