Disclaimer: Once Upon A Time and its characters are the property of ABC/Disney and its creators.
Notes: One Shot. Swan Queen. Written in 1st person (Regina's POV). It's a re-post. This fanfiction is based on the song "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab For Cutie. It was written for a friend. Thank you, Kristy for all the help. You did an amazing job as a beta, thank you for your time and patient. Sorry to make you read such a sad story.
Warnings: Major character death.
Credit to the cover: wicked-sugar*tumblr*com /post/50717454894/
In The Blackest Of Rooms
Chapter [1/1]
I had no intention of falling in love for that blonde, at least not on that ship. Especially with her parents right there in the room next to ours. Maybe even she didn't want to have fallen in love with me either.
But in the end we were so broken, so self-assured that neither could take the loneliness of another. Because we thought that it would be just a kiss, a one night stand, and the next day we both would face each other in silence at the breakfast table, while the whole crew would face us trying to understand why there was such a silence.
That would be just that. Just absolute silence the next day. We would forget each other and everything that happened the night before, but we realized that the silence only exists because everything that we had to say to each other was told on the bed we shared.
Or we just didn't say anything because we are so ashamed of what happened the night before?
I guess I was scared to say something to her, and everything ends up on a fight. I probably would say to her that I felt disgusted of her body, disgusted of her tongue on mine, that I felt disgusted of the way her sex felt when I had it in my mouth and of how we were so wrong in letting a kiss go as far as it did. So for that reason I avoided her for the days that succeeded it.
Then two weeks passed by since we were aboard that ship and we shared the same room. At night I always knew when she was awake, I could felt her breath filling the room. The movements of the ship no longer were capable of lulling her to sleep and we both spend the whole night awake, completely in silence.
Sometimes I get myself thinking of all the things I said to her on that night, I wonder now if I told her that I loved her. I hope I didn't, because that wouldn't be right, at least for that day. I stopped avoiding her, I could no longer be without her. Our first kiss just happened because we were both in needy, but now it's not just the kisses that I needed. I needed her, like I never needed someone before.
My son created a bond between us. Our son. And thinking about it now, she was the bond to everything that I always wanted be – and have – in life. I'm not sure if it would be right to say that she completedme somehow. Because I think that the right thing to say is that she neutralized me. What would I have been without her? And what would I have become if she was there for me the whole time?
I know the answers to all those questions, because I always repeated them to myself when I had doubts about my love for her.
I do know that I loved her. I do know that I love her.
She didn't even need to say it back to me, but still she did, she said that she loved me all the nights before we falling asleep and every time we woke up. Sometimes I could swear that I could hear her voice telling me that she loves me when I was sleeping or maybe it was something from my head. Anyway, I always answered her back and kissed her, even if she was still sleeping and probably wouldn't respond to the kisses. It was enough for me feeling her next to my body and hearing her breathing and grumbles through the night while she slept.
How many times could I not sleep because I wanted to watch her sleep? How many times did my thoughts go beyond that night and create a scenario where we both would be together back home? With our son in our arms and maybe with another on the way… So I reminded myself of our condition, I realized that we would never have a child of our own, but that was not true, because we had Henry. He belongs to both of us, he tied us together in a way that anyone could never separate.
However, there was something that bothered me, about her and me. For how long would she live? Because I already knew that I would live for quite a long time. So I would see her getting old while no wrinkles would arise on my face. I would see her blonde hair become gray and she would be getting tired as the days passed by taking away her youth. I wonder if she would still keep the smile on her face. And what would happen with those green eyes? Will they still be green?
I thought about that all the nights that follow in that ship and it made the trip become longer, and the nights become darker.
When I could sleep it was just her that I saw in my dreams and in all of them she died in my arms, in all of them she left me, and in all of them I was left behind. When the day dawned, she asked me what I had dreamed about and I always told her that I didn't remember, so she smiled to me when in my mind I still could see her dying. So I closed my eyes, trying to erase that image from my head and all I saw was: Myself burying their bodies in the ground, her body and our son's body while I looked around and realized that I was completely alone, because everyone else was already dead.
I realized then the reason that I didn't allow myself to get involved with anyone before, was because I was afraid of losing another love like I lost Daniel, and my mother and even my father. A lifetime of loss, a lifetime of getting left behind, while everyone that I loved followed the light in the end of the tunnel while I was staying here in the dark. I promised myself that I would not be afraid to love her, that I would be afraid to see her getting older, to see her golden hair become gray or she loses her sight and stops recognizing me, because if that happened I would make her fall in love for me again every single day if she forgot about me. I would take care of her until she becomes dust. I knew she would leave me someday, that she would die, but I wanted her to know that I would be there for her the whole time. I would be right behind her, and I would follow her even if had not a light in the end of the tunnel. That would not matter, because I would follow her into the dark.
So many things tried to break us down, especially on that ship, especially her parents, which tried to convince her how much I was wrong for her, they would tell her that she doesn't deserve someone like me. I was sure about that, I knew that there would be someone out there that could make her happier.
But for some reason she found and chose me, for some reason she held my hand really tight and crossed the seas of turbulent waters. So I was sure that there would never be any light that could blind us, but if it does we would continue our journey, even with our eyes closed. Our love would guide us to the unknowing or toward the gates which people would call Heaven.
She was already my paradise and I was seeking out, in those green eyes, some sparkles that would give me the certainty that we would be fine in the end. It doesn't need to be certain, just this spark would be enough.
But it didn't come.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
The ship took a month to reach its final destination, I still can see that day clear in my mind. I was by her side, holding her hand really tight, her voice was like a whisper in my ear as she was telling me that we had arrived and we would take our son back in a few hours. I just held her hand more tightly and gave her a long kiss before we both went down to the boat that would take us to the island.
I didn't have any idea what would happen there, neither did she, maybe for that reason she held my hand and didn't let me go, sometimes she looked to me, hugged me as hard she could, and told me that she loved me. She told me as well that no matter what happened in that night, she still would love me like she never loved someone before. So I realized then, that it was a goodbye.
As we paddled ashore, I looked to the sea around us, everything was so black and we were so alone. Everything I could think was that we were surrounded by other boats like ours, and that we are paddling toward the shore. I imagined that the boats have families in there, and that once we arrived they would fade as soon as their feet touched the sand. And God, or whatever, would take their souls with Him. I wouldn't go with them, because I didn't have a soul, so I was terrified to reach the shore, I was terrified with the idea that she could be taken that night and that we would never save our son.
There would be a heaven for her, that was a fact, but for me, even the hell would have no vacancies. Her soul would go alone, then, there would be no one besides her, I only would paddle her soul in to the shore and she would embark to heaven and I would stay watching her go. So I would try to follow her in to the dark, I would try to search her in heaven, but it would be denied to me, so I would be alone on that shore, feeling the cold of that night in my body knowing that she would never come back to me.
When we reached the shore, we were so exhausted from paddling; we hid the boat and walked silently along the beach. She no longer held my hand, she no longer said that she loved me. I was behind her, looking for her footprints in the sand that would slowly fade, so as she. She was fading in front of me, walking on air into the stars as I followed her, but I knew that I couldn't reach her.
We walked for days, completely aimless and I felt like she was about to lose her aim and her hope as well. I was no longer an anchor to her, but she still was everything to me. She told me that night that if we were not able to find our son that we shouldn't go back, and I agreed with her. She said as well that she wanted to die on that island, she would die of hunger and thirst, but she would never come back without our son and once again I agreed with her. She didn't know that I would still be alive if she died that way, and I would see her wither in my arms if she decided to do that. So I prayed that she didn't choose that path.
I don't remember every detail of that fight, I don't remember how many there were. Were there five? Or maybe four? I don't know. I saw her fight with all of them, I saw her take a punch in the face and hit the ground in response. I also saw the blood of the guy who hit her squirt from his neck when I used his own sword against himself, he hit the ground tainting all the sand of red.
I couldn't protect the three of us, so I had to make a choice, between protect her or our son. So I chose him, it was the most sensible choice. She had done the same, she did the same. But he made his own choices and he chose both of us. He didn't let us fight for him, didn't let us take the bullet for him and so he threw himself in front of her and his body absorbed the impact of that bullet.
The shot was faster than me, I only had time to get to him before his body hit the ground, and she was the one who held his body. He tried to speak, but as he opened his mouth no words come out, just blood, and he drowned in his own blood. She tried in vain to stanch the wound with her hands, she screamed to him that he shouldn't give up, that he would be fine.
I saw his eyes gradually losing its brightness, as I saw his skin getting pale. I remembered then the day I held him in my arms for the first time and now I hold him for the last. He reaches my chin with his hand, before he surrenders himself, his little hand completely bloody now stained my face. I held his hand really tight, felling the heat of his blood on my hand, feeling that little by little his strength was fading. So I held him close to my body as she was still trying to stop the bleeding, but by now nothing could save him. He tried to speak for the last time, but he never could, I answered him back anyway, telling him that I loved him and that I was really sorry, and he looked to her and then back to me as I was still telling him that I'll take care of her.
I just didn't know how.
So he left us, and even after he closed his eyes, and even after his heart stopped, I still could see her fighting for him, holding his wound that now would no longer heal.
-x- x -x- x -x- x -x- x - x -x-
On the way back, I paddled by myself. I had cradled his small body in a cloth, like someone that wrapped the most precious gift of the world. She just stands still, looking at me as I did that, she was no longer crying. There were no more tears left. I couldn't cry anymore, don't know why. As I paddled I looked to her in front of me, she was holding his dead body like he was a baby, like he was still alive. I could hear her sing a lullaby to him as she swayed his body.
So I realized then, that I had lost both of them.
My mother had been too rigid to me, living with her was like living in a Catholic School, full of rules, full of violence. All the marks that I had on me today were made by her and none of them healed, I still can feel them inside of me. I remember all the times that I forced myself to not answer her back, of all the times that she told me that love was a weakness and that the fear was the heart of love.
It took me so many years to finally understand what she meant, I only understood her when I fell in love for the first time and when I lost him. I took this sentence for my life, swearing that I will never fall in love again. I know that was not a mistake to love this woman, I know that I would love her again if I could go back in time, but I know as well that my love will never be enough to fill the hole that losing Henry left in our hearts. I wish our love was enough to save him, I wish that my heart had stopped instead of his, that my body was the one without life and that he lived for both of us.
If he was the one who brought us together, how would we still be together after that?
I can't remember exactly what was said when we got back to the ship, I only remember the crying, her crying as her mother held her tight. And once I promised her that I would do everything for her, now I couldn't do anything about it.
I had promised that I would follow her in to the dark, but I think we are already there. Was there somewhere darker than this?
The ship continued its journey, now back to our land. I spent the following nights after that one, staring at the sea. His body remained completely packed in a corner of the ship, by this time was possible to smell his body rotting. However there was nothing to do about it, although everyone already knew what should be done.
She was the one who first talked for all of us, it was a cold night and I was alone, sitting over the ship's floor, trapped in my thoughts, praying. She sat next to me, and smiled a kind of smile that tells that nothing was going right. There was so many things that I wish I could tell her, but she was the only one who talked. She told me that we had seen and done so much in this life time, but I mentally respond that we had not. That there was many things I still wanted to do with her, but I couldn't say that to her.
She also told me about all the things that she wanted to do, she had never spent the sole of a shoe and really wanted to do this, I just smiled at her and said that we could do this if she wanted to. So she told me about all the places that she would like to visit, and there were so many places that I really can't remember now, I think she said that she would like to go to Bangkok or Calgary, I don't know anymore.
I told her that I would take her to all of those places and that we would spend the soles of our shoes in each of these places. In response, she kissed me and I felt her tears touch with my face, and I could heard her sobbing on my shoulder, so I realized that I could no longer say that everything would be okay, because it wouldn't be.
When she calmed down, she looked at me and said that we had to bury him and I knew what that meant, because there was no land to do that. There was only one way, that was throw his body over the sea. So I took his body, feeling his weight on my arms for the last time, and I think I prayed and told him that I loved him before throwing him into the sea.
Everything is so confusing now, I'm really not sure about what was said or done. What I was really sure about was: when I threw him over the sea, he didn't go alone, because I tied his body around my waist before I threw him.
I felt his weight pulling me and I didn't have the time to tell her that I loved her. I still can see her face as my body was fading into the deep ocean, I still can hear her screaming my name. But nothing matters anymore, so I close my eyes and I could swear that I would see my whole life passing through my eyes, but I didn't. I didn't see my whole life, I don't think I would have the time to see this whole movie.
What I saw in my mind was the first time that I met her until this moment, all the days that we had spent together, all the "I love you" and all the promises that now we no longer could keep. I felt my tears rolling down in face, get mixed with all the salt water. There was no more reason to cry or space for pain. In a few moments, everything would be fine.
My lungs will require air anytime soon, I'm already submerged now and I won't have time to reach the surface once it happens. The water will invade my lungs and in a few minutes I will no longer be here. I won't cry anymore at night or hear her crying. I know how much I'm being selfish, but now it's really hard to think straight. I already feel my body wanting to fight to breathe. I wish I had told her that soon I would see her and that I loved her. I know that she already knows that, otherwise she wouldn't have jumped into the water to save me, otherwise she wouldn't be in front of me now, kissing me on the lips in a failed attempt to give me a little of her own air.
At least that was what I thought, but it was not that.
I saw her tie a rope around her waist and then around mine, I tried to stop her, I tried to untie her, but now I didn't have much time. I feel now the water invading my lungs and a huge pain in my chest like I was about to explode. I feel my senses slowly leaving me and I see her in front of me. However, I can't hear her anymore, but I know that she's telling that she loves me, like I know that I was the one who said that I would follow her into the dark, but it was the contrary. I touched her face for the last time and tried to hold her image in my mind. Would we be together on the other side?
We are in the blackest of the rooms now and I still can feel our bodies being pulling deeper in to the sea. I still can feel her hands around my neck and my body pressed against hers. Her touch was the last thing that I felt, before I closed my eyes and felt anything else.