Summary – John always knew there was something wrong with him, other soldiers never felt the bloodlust like he did but he'd never given into it. Sometimes he came close though. McShep friendship. Angst, dark
Rating – PG-13
Disclaimer - I don't own them and I'm sure they're very grateful
Letting GoJohn had always known something was wrong with him.
Not even soldiers felt the bloodlust like he did, certainly not without provocation anyway.
He squad admired him for the way he dealt with the deaths, how composed he was after encountering the enemy. He could never tell them that all he'd wanted was to kill them again, to feel the blood run down his heads, red and warm and to feel their choking breaths as they broke under his hands…
He never allowed himself to do it though, he knew it wasn't normal, there was no way he was going to let himself go down that path…
He sometimes came close though.
Kolya was gasping frantically for air and flailing weakly but desperately as John pinned him against the wall, his hands wrapped tightly around the Genii's neck as he squeezed, feeling the bones grind.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rodney helped to his feet by Ronon and reluctantly dropped the man he was holding, allowing the Runner cover him while John drew his weapon and fired, one shot, through the head.
Not long enough and no where near painful enough and that time all the tricks that he'd used for years weren't enough and the anger boiled under the surface, threatening to consume him as he breathed deeply, fighting the urge to snap and run back to where they'd left Kolya's body and rip it to shreds.
It wouldn't hurt the corpse but it would make him feel better.
Neither Ronon nor Teyla appeared to have noticed anything as he led his team back to the gate but Rodney was watching him carefully out of the corner of one, badly bruised, eye.
Rodney was far from stupid, he obviously knew something was up and, while his apprehension may have made him pause, his natural curiosity would not allow him to let it go.
Rodney didn't disappoint him, he arrived at John's door that night.
John winced in anticipation but Rodney started with a total non-sequitur that completely threw him.
"Did you know we found another shield device?"
John blinked, confused as Rodney bit his lip nervously.
"And," he continued hurriedly. "We found this." He held out a tiny device that looked like a ring. "Near as we can tell it projects an illusion, an image and maybe more of what you want to see and of what you need to experience."
There was a scarily intent expression on the scientist's face and John felt blank for a second before he understood fully what Rodney was offering.
Taking the ring with shaking fingers he activated it and slid it onto Rodney's finger.
Instantly the image of Acastus Kolya replaced that of his best friend and John watched as Kolya raised the shield to his chest and activated it.
John stared at the man who had tortured and nearly killed Rodney, nearly killed Elizabeth, tried to take their city, stolen their ZPM, had him drained by a Wraith and then tortured Rodney again.
With a scream that sounded more like a choked off sob John stepped forwards, eyes lit with an unholy fire, and let go for the first time in his life.
The illusion gave the satisfactory sensation of bones shattering under his fists as he swung but it was his mind that provided the scream, he'd imagined it often enough that he knew every single second of it and now he was going to enjoy it.