cheekenjoy [05-31-16]

Notes:

AKA "That Jaeger Kid Has This Pathetic Blog"
A semi-limited ficlet about Eren Jaeger's not-so-secret blog
WARNING: this can be triggering somehow

I'm finally x-posting from AO3 because I'm continuing this fic. I'm sorry for the huge delay. (More Notes at the end.)

CHAPTER 1 : "EREN STARTS A BLOG"

He wasn't sure whether or not he should go through with this or not, but a nagging voice in his head said, "You'll never know if you don't try!" It reminded Eren about his personal vow to never set himself up for anything he was sure he would never accomplish. And the bitter taste of dissatisfaction of having to experience utter disappointment in severe waves that seemed to linger on his tongue served as a motivation to keep that vow.

As he pressed the button, he felt a slight kick of anxiety come up and he quickly, reflexively shoved it back down his body, because he did not want to deal with any shit today. He had no time for that. Meaning, he never thought about it or thought about potentially facing other humans beyond what was deemed necessary. It hurt his head so much that he had to push his laptop away and tried breathing exercises to build up his courage.

Which didn't make any fucking sense—well at least not to him―because all he was getting worked up about was creating a "BlogThis!" profile.

That was it. It wasn't really that hard to do; any idiot with a computer or device with internet can readily make one. It just so happens that the particular idiot groaning in front of his laptop was an exaggerated person who made everything more dramatic than it should be.

Eren found it annoying, how he couldn't make up his mind and decide whether or not to make the stupid account so he could make a stupid blog about his stupid life. He's always had trouble with choices and decision-making, and that made him very ineffective when it came to being any kind of leader and that's why he's never appointed anything other than one small task in his group projects. Even with all the difficulty he faced, this particular decision fell all on him. It was about him after all, and this was for his betterment. He figured, "Maybe if I (anonymously) vent my fears and frustrations to the world, maybe it'll be a good outlet for me!" After all, he read somewhere that any social interaction was somewhat therapeutic.

And so now here he was.

He was still debating with that initial thought, still having an internal mini-battle with his inner self. He finally gave up since he again, realized just how stupid he was being (seeing that if either side won he'd still have to pick one) and just proceeded with making a profile. He didn't fill out the "Interests" and the "Favorite Blogs" fields and promptly skipped the other remaining ones and went ahead to picking a title for his blog. Typing in, "I AM EREN." as his blog title, he felt oddly excited that this would be a place where he could possibly prove he existed in this world, then felt a face palm manifesting itself because of the cheesy title. Granted, he wasn't the best at grammar and punctuation and writing, but knowing all this proved to add more to the challenge Eren brought upon himself. And he was going to do this, even if he was average at writing and his title was a bit pretentious. And because Eren loved challenges, the spirit of competition, winning them, and (humbly) showing off ―he was going to do his absolute best―or just whatever he felt like doing.

The site's settings was very easy to navigate and manage and in the end Eren chose a dark green background, but still maintained the default layout. It looked fine to him anyways, so he didn't bother.

No wanting to leave it blank, he decided to make his first entry.

Hi, my name is Eren.

I used to be an exchange student from Germany but I decided to move to...here...this...place...and continue my studies. I wish that I lived alone but I live with my sister in a two-bedroom apartment our parents paid for us. We used to have another roommate, my best friend. Actually in the beginning before I moved here (while I was still an exchange student) I did live alone. I really liked it here and so I wanted to stay. But since my sister and my friend are really close to me, and I felt like we should all be here and equally have a chance at taking the world. Or at least, experience life's trials together.

I actually feel like I'm gonna do so much better with them here. We cheer each other on and help one another and have a tight-knit relationship that people only saw in movies. Our childhood was mostly spent as a trio and everybody in our little town knew we were inseparable. We got each other's backs.

At least, I thought we did.

These days, neither of them even acknowledges my presence. I thought it was because they wanted to spread their wings and all that shit. Maybe they were excited to get out of our town. But I'm not that naïve. I'm not stupid. Everybody seems to think I am. It was always that way. My sister was the sporty one, and my friend was the top of our class. I was the dunce that hung around and picked too many fights. I was the troublemaker and the needy one. Everybody thought I wouldn't be able to survive a day out of that stupid town. Well, they thought wrong.

They thought I was oblivious to everything they said about me. They thought I was blissfully ignorant. And all along I thought the two people I most trusted in this world would know me better. But strangely enough, they don't. I just choose to stay on my lane and do what I think is right. That includes curbing my anger and holding my tongue. I've grown more than enough to think and act maturely and have self-control. Yet nobody seemed to believe that―at least not after I got back from my program. The school made a big deal about how great the feedback was to my attitude and how the people appreciated my work ethic. They said even the staff liked me a lot. Which wasn't entirely far from the truth; but I don't like seeming smug about it. In fact, it's far from what I felt. This was the only place where nobody judged me and accepted me as if I was someone who could contribute meaningful things to any conversation. When I got here I was so refreshed and amazed at how dynamic and diverse everyone's thinking was. It was really a great time in my life.

So great that I wanted to live here and share my happiness with my friends. I wanted to show them what everybody back at home has only heard about. I wanted to show them how I was in a looser atmosphere. And I really wanted to share my new life with the two people I loved most.

I wish I didn't regret that, but I do.

I regret even sharing what very little I had with others. I know that's a wrong thing to say, but it's true. That's how I feel. I feel remorse. And anger. I'm angry that I was being selfless and ended up getting what was mine, gradually taken away.

What's worse is, after all I've done and after all that I've worked hard for―I hardly have anything to show for it at this point. No friends, no chummy colleagues and no open environment. Everything feels upside down like a rug was suddenly pulled from beneath my feet. Like I'm trapped in a room and the walls are caving in. Except that the walls aren't really moving. Which makes it harder to react or comprehend anything because I am is too confused to actually move. It feels like I can't do anything and I don't know what's happening.

For once in my life, I'm not aware of what's wrong. Or what went wrong. I don't know who's to blame. I can't point fingers. I don't know if it was me. Now I'm starting to think that it's my fault. From my good intentions to hoping too much; it's all my doing. I did this. I did this to myself. I have every reason to believe I'm solely responsible for this.

Yet I know, that isn't the truth and no matter what it takes, even if it gets any more excruciating, I'll do everything I can to find out what the hell is up.

As he finished his writing, he drew out a long breath he wasn't aware he was holding. Without as much as a second thought, Eren pressed the "Publish Now!" button. It was done. He slumped back in his seat as the screen loaded to show him his homepage. It displayed his first post in its entirety. He knew he should probably proofread or something, but the brunet lived on being a resolute person. To him, the moment he pressed the button that allowed his thoughts to be made public on the blogosphere, was a do-or-die act. And now it was all there, done and (considered) final. If he were to do any customizing for more optimizing, he would do it later.

Releasing a CliffNotes version of his sorrowful predicament in one straight go was taxing. He needed to rest. Standing up and making his way over to his corner mattress–the distressed twenty-year-old face-planted himself all in a single push.

The blog was left open and unmoved for the rest of the evening. He would leave for class the next day not noticing the small red notification flag saying he had a new view from an unknown reader.

Notes:

[2016]
SUMMARY ON AO3:

Eren Jaeger was confused.

He didn't know how he was supposed to feel. He was used to have such loving friends. He used to be a gung-ho, happy-go-lucky kinda guy. He used to enjoy life and what it offered.

And now he was swamped with projects and losing sleep. He spent his days alone despite being used to the company of others. He felt like he was losing some unknown battle he didn't sign up for. He didn't have anyone to turn to nor had any one to even bother updating about his daily life. He felt dread. He felt like he was deeply wronged. He felt collectively scrutinized. He needed an outlet, or else he would definitely go crazy.

So Eren did what any millennial with real-life struggles did―he started his own personal online journal.

[2017]
UPDATES:

I made this...thing so y'all can have a more direct, visual image of what Eren's blog looks like. (That's a total lie; I did it because I was just bored.) It's .com.

Please Fave and Follow~! Reviews are appreciated. Thank you in advance.