I started feeling better after writing this. maybe it got some of my grumpiness out of me. hope you enjoy this!

I never wanted things to go like this. I wanted to have a happy life, get myself someone special, and I had decided to wait that special someone, to reserve everything I had for the special one. I didn't know if I liked boys or girls, but I didn't stress about it. I didn't think it mattered, when I would meet my someone, it would be good and feel good no matter the gender.

But before I knew it, my pictures of happy life were ruined. I had had crushes, but I didn't love and didn't want to waste my first kiss, first date or first anything just for a fling that couldn't last. But I wasn't asked. I was still just a kid, barely understanding how things worked when some old relative of mine started to coming onto me. He was my godfather and at first I just thought he was drunk, that he didn't know that his hand wasn't tickling my belly, but a bit lower. I had been sitting in his lap, since he had come to my home for a visit with his wife. I have went to him when he asked me to sit on his lap, because I didn't see any harm in it, I was still a kid and i liked sitting on someone's lap. And when he tickled me, I just figured it was an accident and pretended that it hit just the spot and doubled over in fake laughter, trying to move the hand away so no one would see and blame him for an accident.

But a small doubt stayed with me. The hand had refused to move up. But maybe it was just because he thought I was really tickling and didn't want to stop? Or then he didn't want to stop. Did the hand actually move even lower before I managed to break free?

Ever since I had little caution when I was around him.

But it turned out that little wasn't enough. One time me and my brother had been in his summer cabin to help clear the firewood from the old shed into a new one. We had starter arguing with my brother because he accused that I was trying to slack of, which I wasn't, and hurt and angry I decided I would go home. It was about 8 kilometers home, but that didn't bother me. I wasn't in a hurry. The only problem was that I wasn't completely sure about the way. There were few crossroads to choose from, and I picked one at random. It wasn't the right one but a dead end. Frustrated, I turned around and headed back to the intersection.

On hindsight, I should have never left my brother. I should have apologized and tried to do what he asked me to do.

Because once I was in the intersection and turning to the right way, I heard a car engine. I sped up, but of course child's legs are no match to a car. It was my godfather coming after me after realizing I wasn't at work anymore. He ordered me to get into the car, and when I refused he said he could take me wherever I want to go, I stepped into the car, because that way I wouldn't get lost. I told him I wanted to go home, but he asked what had gone wrong, and gently petted my thigh. After I had told him, the hurt making me tear up a bit, eyes locked into my lap, he said it was okay and I didn't have to work anymore, but I could just hang around. I didn't agree to it, but he said it would be okay and that he would later drive me home with my brother and that in the mean time he could give me a bottle of Vichy.

To prove how young and stupid I was, I agreed to it because I had never had a Vichy before and was curious to know more about it.

Back in the cabin I got out of the car and went to the swing that was in the edge of the yard close to the lake. I like sitting there, looking at the lake and listening the waves. I occasionally saw my brother carrying the logs and he seemed to be doing okay.

When my godfather came from the cabin with the bottles he called my brother to come have a break too. He then went back inside and my brother and I sat there tasting the drink.

I hated it. It was too bubbly and tasted bad. I nearly spat it out but out of politeness sake I swallowed it. I asked how my brother liked it and he wasn't too fond of it. Sad, I looked at my bottle and said I didn't like it either. And my dear brother, he was so sweet. He offered to drink it up for me anyway. And he said it was better if I stayed out of his way, that the work got done faster if I didn't bother him. So I stayed in the swing and he went back to work.
Now years later, years after he passed away, I miss him. He was so kind and helpful. Sure we fought, but that is normal sibling interaction. But I am sorry that I didn't value him more.

I had nice calm moments in the swing. Then my godfather came back and said I could come inside with him. I didn't want to, I liked it there. But he grabbed my hand and dragged me along. I tried to struggle back, but of course a kid ain't a match against a grown man.

In the cabin, he led me upstairs, that he had something to show me there.

Up there, there was a mattress on the floor. I tried to get back, but he hoisted me up in his arms and carried me to the mattress and laid me down on it, and laid down on top of me. He was too heavy for me to get away.

He started kissing me, his beard scraping my face, and I did my best to keep my teeth together so our tongues wouldn't touch. He tried to make me open my mouth, even pulling my chin down, but I stood my ground. It wasn't much, but I didn't want to loose everything. I was too numb to react cleverly and too crushed to move. But it didn't stop him to touch me up and down, biting down my neck and sneaking his hand into my pants. I grabbed his hand, but it had no effect. His hand did whatever it wanted.

I don't know how long it lasted, but finally he got off of me. I hurriedly got up and rushed downstairs and out of the building.

I anxiously waited to get away and at home I played ignorant when asked how the day was.

But what really made me feel sick to my stomach was few days later when my godfather came to visit and paid my brother for the help, and to make me feel like a whore, he gave me money too. Way less than my brother, but more than I wanted. It made me feel so cheap and disgusting. Just like he would have bought me.

After that, I did my best to avoid him. Sometimes his hands still found me, and to this day I hate the smell of alcohol in breath and beard stubble scraping my skin. And even though I know it has nothing to do with features, I stay clear to anyone who has dimpled chin. And if I had to be around someone with it, I was always very cautious and did my best to keep them in my sight, again whether it was a boy or girl. Everyone was dangerous. To me, sexes never mattered.

But that wasn't the only way it had changed me. It made me be very awkward in all kind of touching. Whether it was juts a hug for good luck or a pet on the head for job well done. I hid my feelings under a smile. It didn't falter when I wanted nothing more than to grimace and shield myself from a touch.

And I didn't want to think about myself being intimate with anyone. So I didn't seek dates or company like that. It took time to be able to be alone in a room or place with anyone. Whether it was an old friend, teacher or relative. I couldn't help but fear that they would want something from me.

I got depressed. No wonder at such after with the shit with godfather, my parents splitting up and my brother dying. I stopped caring about myself too much. I was eager to help others, but I hated to owe anyone anything, so it was rare that I would ask for help or favors. I dressed up on loose garments so I wouldn't encourage anyone to think I had something to offer. In occasions I wished I could wear nicer clothes, but it was soon banished when I thought about going in public like that. It made me shiver.

So I was blind when a guy had a crush on me in university. He had long dark hair and usually a calm expression. I could never read his eyes, and me and my friends had a running joke about him, because he had few girls following him all the time, so we called them his harem. Sometimes he came to hang around with us, and the girls were left outside. We always thought that they were giving us death glares for occupying their prince. So we usually tried our best to make them jealous, laughing and having fun, despite the fact I thought they have no reason to be jealous and they were being silly and homophobic.

I though he just liked me and my friends company, but then once he asked me to come to a side hallway with him. Of course I feared what would happen, but I pushed it aside, thinking he just had some stupid question to ask that he didn't dare to ask in front of my friends. He halted and turned around. I stopped too. He told me to come closer. I took a step closer, keeping an eye on him. He grinned and said there was nothing to be scared of, that I just needed to come a bit closer. So I took few more hesitant steps and then suddenly he wrapped arms around me, pulled me against him and pressed our lips together. I was too dumbstruck and before I had caught up with what was happening his tongue was I my mouth. I was frozen. Thank god he parted our mouths and hugged me closer, whispering if I liked me. Never did he say he liked me, he just asked if I liked him. I mumbled something incoherent which wasn't yes or no.

I had thought him as a friend. Funny, but that's all. I never thought even distantly that I would like him. I didn't want to have anything like that.

he realized it was a bit sudden and let me go, saying I should think about it and that hopefully he hadn't scared me too bad. I think it was a bit late at that point. I was already shell shocked. Together we walked back to our friends who had gathered together to wait for us. I went along with my friends and he stayed with his.

Later he called me. I answered because my upbringing had taught me to be polite and I also knew that he would just call again. He asked me out on Saturday. I agreed, because I was curious. After the stuff with my godfather, I had thought it was impossible for anyone to like me, and that I was unworthy of any interest. So I thought this was my only change to find out what it was like to be on a date. Even if I didn't know if he even liked me or was just playing something.

I didn't tell my friends about the date, because I didn't want to hear any teasing from them nor get their hopes up. They were worried and puzzled why I didn't seem interested in anyone, be it boy or girl. They couldn't understand that I just wasn't interested in that kind of stuff.

Curiosity killed the cat. That has been happening to me my whole life. Why I have to be so damn curious and interested in experiencing new stuff and learning new things.

That doesn't mean the date was bad. We went to a coffee shop, his treat. I tried to act like we were just friends in there, and praying that no one I knew would come there.

Then we started heading back to my home, where he had left his bike when he came to pick me up. We strayed a bit on the way, taking detours since we weren't in a rush and he wanted to talk. At first it was just casual talk, but then he sat on a bench and tried to pull me to sit in his lap. I refused, burrowing my heels to the ground when he grabbed my hand in an effort to pull me into his lap. He seemed a bit embarrassed that I hadn't agreed to behave like a girl and sit on his lap. I don't see why I should have been the submissive one. So he stood up. But then he started asking if I liked him. I couldn't just tell it there and then at his face that no, not like you want to, not one drop.

So I once again skirted the issue and claimed that I didn't quite follow what he was vaguely implying. So he stepped right up to me, looking me in the eyes and wrapping hands around me. He whispered that maybe this would jolt my memory and then he just kissed me. I swear I didn't move an inch. I just waited that he would stop, praying to every deity, god and demon that I wouldn't be seen by anyone. Especially by my best friend. I couldn't look them in the eye if they saw.

He let me go and looked at me expectantly. I shook my head. Explaining that it wasn't that easy and I was anyway going to leave the place in the summer and he would stay there and so on. He said I didn't have to stress about it, that not everything had to make sense and that we could just have fun without thinking.

I didn't like the sound of that, I wondered what he was really planning, but I anyway smiled and suggested we get on with our walk.

We got to a hill, from with there was about a mile to my home. There was a lovely breeze, so I took my hat of and let the fresh winter wind ruffle my hair. He just had to comment that I looked good with messed up hair and then he ruffled them too. Then he went to stand behind me, wrapping hands around me, pulling me against him. I was tense for a moment, but he didn't do anything else, so I let it be and enjoy the breeze and the view and thought how much better it would have been if I would have been there with one of my friend.

Then he started to kiss my neck and bury his face in my hair. I politely pulled myself free and pointed to some sort of cannon that was there and asked to go see what that was about.

I don't know why it was there and what it had been used, even though there was a metal plate explaining it. I was anxious to get home and be alone.

Luckily he complained of being cold and if I minded if we moved along. I agreed wholeheartedly and we took off.

He wanted to walk hand around me, saying that he was cold and I was so warm. And he looked so frozen that I couldn't push him off, after all it was my fault we had stayed in the breeze so long.

Sometime before the student house I lived in, my home, came in view he noticed that I was covered in snow and in fear that it would melt and wet me, he started brushing it off.

It was awkward and it must have shone on his face because he stopped when he was dusting down my chest and apologized that it could have seemed a bit forward of him to touch me so freely. I smiled and airily waved it off, claiming that I did know he was just taking the snow off and nothing more. He smiled back and we continued again.

When we were close my building, he asked which window was my bedroom. I pointed the right one and said that it had good view to some trees and not into some neighbors home. We took few more steps and then he doubled over, hand clutching his midsection. I watched in mild curiosity, wondering if he was pressing his stomach or crotch region. Because even though it had not happened to me, I had heard that unwanted boner could be painful in certain situations. And we had just talked about my bedroom.

In a moment he straightened up and said he was fine, just little tummy ache probably caused by hunger. In a brief moment I actually considered asking him inside so I could repay his coffee offer with food. But before I opened my mouth I realized that if he was indeed horny, I should not ask him to come over.

So then he brought me to the front door and we said goodbyes and he went away and I went inside. I was so glad to be finally alone and sighed in relief when I had reached my apartment.

The next day I send him a text saying that with me leaving in few months our thing wouldn't work and that I was sorry but I didn't want to be in a relationship without future.

Then I went to my friends place where all my gang had agreed to come on Sunday. I didn't tell them what I had done the day before, saying I had just tried to do my homework and watched some telly. Not completely a lie. Then he tried to call me but I said I was busy and that could it wait. He was hesitant but agreed to it and hung up. To my friends I said it had been my mother calling and that I would talk with her later.

It was few days later when he came to talk to me in school, saying he had been a bit upset but that maybe it had been better that we hadn't talked things over in the phone but face to face. He tried to talk me out of it, to say we could just fine have fun and hang out, but I said I wasn't into that kind of stuff, I wanted to have a future if I was going to get involved with someone.

And that was the end. After that he pretty much stopped hanging with me and my friends. I didn't mind it and my friends barely noticed anyway.

After it I promised I wouldn't be that stupid again, that even if I wanted to find out stuff, it wouldn't be the same if I didn't do it with someone I actually wanted to do it with. Because doing it otherwise wasn't good at all, more like trying to eat mushrooms. And I hate mushrooms, they make me gag.

After finishing with college, I looked back in life. It hadn't been a good one, with my parents nagging me and pressuring me to do stuff the way they wanted, blaming me for failures when I would have needed support.

Relationship stuff was hell, I didn't trust people and too much people makes me tense. I wasn't hoping much for the rest of my life, but I had my goal of reaching 29. I just liked the number. But I wouldn't hold it against me if I failed to do it. I didn't think I would have anyone to share my life with, that I would find someone who would accept all my issues and craziness. It seemed way too farfetched.

But it all changed. I had started a new job, been there a few months when I met him. I had been sure I wouldn't find another guy attracting, but he had something that pulled me to him. He was a bit mean one, having high demands from others as well as of himself. And if you failed, he would tell what went wrong, asked how you would improve yourself and then made you do it again. I was glad to have him as my supervisor. I have sharp tongue myself, so without noticing it I started to jibe him, only a little, but enough that he noticed me. But I was good at my job and I always grinned at him when he glared at me, so he just mocked me back when he got the chance.

We got along well. And before I knew it, I wanted to see him everyday, and when he had a day off, I was unnaturally sad about it. It was only after a colleague of mine pointed out that I just had a crush on him, that's all. I disagreed, but started to watch my reactions a bit more. And it seemed so. When his red eyes flashed to me, my heart fluttered and a smile broke out to my face and when I saw a grin curve his lips, I felt like I was on top of the world.

I started seeking out opportunities to change few words with him, to know more about him. I loved his low voice, those clear red eyes burning me, setting me on fire. That tall figure with airy long steps made me look at him, my eyes trailing after him even when I should have been watching something else. Not only once did I walk on door on another person when I was focused on him.

I think he noticed that I liked him. I didn't dare to hope he would like me back, because I knew that if I did, and then found out he didn't like me, I wouldn't reach 29. I had been so fed up with life, so disappointed and tired. Meeting him had given me new drive, new energy and I didn't want to loose that.

So I stayed where I was. I didn't try asking him out, in fear I would then loose him. I just wanted to see him. Hear him, feel his voice fill my ears and sooth my dark thoughts. He gave me energy to fight for myself, for my life.

My hands were literally shaking when he once came to me, told that something had been bothering him for a while now, disturbing his concentration a bit. He was leaning on my desk and I was looking up at him, eyes wide, wondering if he was angry, wondering had I gone too far in my efforts to be around him. If he accused me of being a stalker, which I kinda was to be honest. I had even found out roughly where he lived. I swallowed, and then he smirked. I felt my heart beat in my chest, worrying that I would have a stroke with him so close and focusing all his attention to me. But still it felt so good, him there, me there, even with the fear nagging inside, the nervousness shaking my hands, the blood racing through my body. I never imagined I would feel like that and yet I didn't want that moment to end. He leaned a bit closer and my breathing hitched. I didn't want to start panting, so I tried to control my breathing, but it just made my heart pound faster and I really feared I would just pass out. Then he would think I am weak.

"would you come get a coffee with me someday?"

my jaw dropped. My eyes bore into his red eyes that just stared right back, unwavering. A wide wild smile broke on to my face and I nodded before finding my voice

"When would be good for you?" me, I had rather free schedule. Meaning I would postpone whatever I had for a date with him. He shrugged

"Saturday would be good."

"I'm free" I stated, glad I really was.

"You know any good place?" he asked. I scratched my head.

"Not really. But I know a place that we can at least get coffee?" I said partially hopeful. I don't like coffee that much, it gives me ADHD symptoms, so I could chuck down bad one just as easily. He nodded

"Fine. Meet you here at two, okay?"

I nodded, he smirked and left. I watched after him with a foolish grin. Then I tried to focus back to my work, hands still trembling a bit from excitement and the grin didn't disappear the whole day.

Man I loved my life. All the shit I had faced were fair price to get someone like him. We had worked together for half a year, I felt like I knew him somehow already. And I liked him already. And those red eyes, they had that twinge in them. Earlier I had just thought I imagined the twinge, but now I had seen it up close. And I knew it wasn't there with everyone.

The date went well. He turned out to be a bit shy too, he wasn't used to dating either. It made me feel more at ease. After the coffee, we walked around a bit. I was watching him in the corner of my eyes, sometimes eying his fingers, wishing I would have the courage to take a hold of his hand.

We came back to the workplace and were ready go to our separate ways.

We stopped side by side and I turned to look at him. Those red eyes were so amazing. A soft smile came to my lips. He look back at me, looking down and noticed the smile. He lifted his gaze back to my eyes and there was the smirk again. I feared for my heart again. The day had been so good, we had walked around for four hours and getting to know each others in more personal levels. If this would be all, I would cherish this for the rest of my life.

He reached out his hand and grabbed my hand. A tingling sensation run through me and I entwined our fingers together. He gave my hand a little squeeze.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" he asked, calmly looking in my eyes, but there was that little edge to his voice, telling that he cared about the answer. I shrugged

"Nothing really. Read, watch telly..." he nodded

"So you want to have a coffee tomorrow too?"

I couldn't stop that little squeal of joy from exiting my mouth

"Kyaa!" then I blushed and hid my face behind my bangs. I heard him chuckle and peaked between strands of hair. It was the first time I had heard him laugh and he was smirking at me. I coughed and straightened up.

"Yes, I wouldn't mind it"

he gave my hand one last squeeze before entangling his fingers from mine.

"Well then, I see you tomorrow. The same time?" he added, tilting his head a bit and looking questioningly back at me. I nodded with a grin.

"til tomorrow" I said. He waved his hand and turned to leave. I waved too and watched as he walked away. Then I turned around and headed to my house. I was so happy I was about to burst. I pressed hands against my chest. It was okay. My life was okay, because it made me what I am now, and he likes me for what I am. Before going indoors I looked up at the sky and breathed deep.

So this is what it felt to be content.

so that's the end of it. did you like? I'm having a few ideas on my new kurofai multichaps, one with kurogane being promised to tomoyo, he is Ok with it, but then Fai comes to his life. or one where they are teachers, but Fai is in trouble with the principle. how do those sound? tell me what you think and we'll see if I still will write more.

hope you liked this one and all comments are welcomed!