Various Storms and Saints

Part One

A/N: Title inspired by 'Various Storms & Saints' from Florence + The Machine. I'm fairly certain there will be another piece to this.

Summary: The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might not be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.

'But still you stumble, feet give way. Outside the world seems a violent place.

But you had to have him, and so you did. Some things you let go in order to live.'

You made one mistake.

One mistake that's going to cost you Amy.

You don't mean to continue to break Amy's heart – and you really don't mean to break it by way of Liam Booker. It's not like it's about him, because really he means nothing to you. He's basically just a body that you know is readily available to you whenever you call and you thought he was a guaranteed easy orgasm - turns out things have changed since sophomore year.

You wonder why you can't just be a normal fucking person that doesn't make these colossal mistakes that cause pain and destruction. You also wish you knew what the fuck you wanted –

But then when you really stop and think about it… you want Amy.

You're in love with Amy (and fuck it all because this wasn't apparent to you before you went and fucked Liam). Duh, you've loved Amy since you were five years old but you weren't sure if you could ever love her the way she loves you (or the way she said she did two years ago). Yeah, you found out a few months ago that your body really, really does respond to her but you weren't positive about your emotions (as it turns out you know next to nothing about your own emotions).

You know now that your heart caught up to your body, but as per usual your timing is so fucked. It's fucking absolutely ridiculous that you should realize your feelings while your ex-boyfriend is mid thrust on top of you after you snuck him into your mom's living room hours after you said goodnight to your… soulmate? Fuck buddy? Best friend? There's not really a label that fits because she's all of those things and more so you can't really figure out why in god's name you answered Liam's text messages. You should've turned off your phone. You should've gone to bed. You should've said no.

Instead something like this happened:

May 23 (1:23 AM)

Liam: hey karmaaaa.. what're you up to? we're all at ivy's you should come over!

Karma: that's probably not a good idea.

Liam: lighten up! Im asking as a friend. You can bring amy.

Karma: she went to bed already it's not exactly early.

Liam: and why aren't you in bed then?

May 23 (1:48 AM)

Karma: well who wants to go to bed alone?

Liam: that's something I could help with

May 23 (1:59 AM)

Karma: you have ten minutes, come to the side window

Liam: be there in 5

It would've been so easy to just stop answering him like you normally do. Or, if you were feeling especially… needy you know Amy would've gotten up in the dead of night to make sure you were satisfied, no questions asked.

Why didn't you just call Amy? Why did you cave to Liam when you've spent the last nine months blowing him off? You've made everything so complicated when things had finally settled down. Is it that you can't live without the chaos? Can you not just live a normal, settled life? Do you only find satisfaction in hurting your best friend?

That can't be true.

Can it?

You think you love Amy too much to ever purposely hurt her, but it's like you can't stop. You irrationally wonder if maybe this won't be that bad – after all you didn't really cheat per se, it's not like things are exclusive. You haven't mentioned anything about feelings since that night at the jail two years ago. Maybe Amy doesn't even have feelings anymore; maybe it's just a way for her to satisfy her own needs.

(This, you know, is all a way to make yourself feel better about something you don't really deserve to feel better about).

Amy has forgiven you so many times that you're sure you lost count back when you were like twelve years old. You were basically born to fuck things up, but Amy has never really held it against you. Well, maybe she held it against you for a little bit back when you were sophomores and you couldn't return her feelings, but even then you found a way to move past it. You found a way to repair your tattered friendship and by the beginning of senior year you found yourself in her bed after a party that got a little out of hand.

It was supposed to be a one-time thing. It was supposed to be a drunken... experiment? It was in no way supposed to feel anywhere near as good as it did to have Amy's tongue in places you'd only dreamed about. Your body reacted in ways it never did to Liam's, and your body definitely didn't agree with that "one-time thing" idea. So, you found yourself beneath her time and time again – and then you found yourself on top of her as your confidence climbed with every moan you were able to elicit.

But you didn't talk about it.

And that's where you've failed again. The lack of communication in your friendship is sometimes startling. You know it's what fucked you up the first time and you know it's what's causing your ultimate demise here.

And so now, you're left with the guilt that's consuming you. You're left with the constant reminder of Liam's weight on you, his stubble against your cheek, and his heavy grunts as the couch squawked with his movements. You're left with the wave of nausea that strikes whenever you think about him professing left over feelings for you while he lay exhausted on your chest. You're left with feelings of self-loathing every time Amy looks at you with some kind of wonder in her eyes.

The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might not be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.

At least before, when you didn't return Amy's feelings, you had slept with Liam because he was what you wanted and Amy really couldn't blame you for what your heart felt. But it's sort of like you didn't fuck it up enough the first time, so you went for the repeat performance – just to make sure you annihilate Amy's feelings into a fine powder that can be spread upon the ruins of your friendship.

How will she ever forgive you for this?

It's all you can think as you sit alone on the deck of the above ground pool while all your classmates carry on with their end of the year celebrations. Yeah, Liam's in there too, making eyes at you every time you fill your cup but you've made it a point to ignore all of his not-so-subtle advances. All you can do is pray to whatever fucking god is up there that Liam and Amy have no reason to find themselves in a conversation that reveals your fuck up (and then there's this tiny part of you that wants him to be the dick he is and just say I,t so you don't have to be the one that twists the knife and puts that look on Amy's face).

"Hey," her voice snaps you out of your spiraling thoughts. She looks so pretty tonight that you have to look away for a second. You wrap your arms around yourself a little tighter and manage a small wave. "You okay? You've been out here by yourself a while."

You were hoping she'd just leave you and your self-hatred alone for the night. "Just sitting. Not really in the mood for this tonight," and you gesture towards the house with the obnoxiously loud music pouring from the open windows.

Amy scoots in closer and her eyes seem to search your face for a few moments before she says, "Karma, is there something you wanna talk about?"

FUCK.

What the fuck?

And that little part of you that wanted Liam to make the big reveal has transformed into the part of you that wants to go in and wrap your hands around his oversized neck. You want to watch him struggle for air as he makes sad attempts at apologies. Did he think that pathetic two minutes of "sex" constituted as some sort of reconciliation of your long since dead relationship?

You look over at her – you look for the pain that should be etched all over her face and when you don't find it you feel a miniscule amount of relief. There's no way she knows the truth. There's no way he got to her. You know what 'hurt Amy' looks like and the girl sitting next to you on this deck is not her.

"Like what?" you ask innocently to try to fish for what she might know. You're not going to give yourself away unnecessarily because you're starting to think what she doesn't know won't hurt her. And really, is it any of her business anyway? You weren't together – if you happen to get together at some point in the near future and give this thing a name then that thoughtless decision you made will have been a moment in the past - back before you called this a relationship. Those things don't count.

Right?

You know that thought makes you an awful fucking person, but looking at Amy now makes you sure you can't crush her the way you know news of sleeping with Liam will. You still remember the tears that glistened in her eyes the night of her moms wedding when she put her heart on the table and the only answer you had for her was 'I slept with Liam' - you might be pulling a redo of a few years ago but you like to think you've learned some things since then.

"You've just seemed weird lately," Amy says with a sigh. You hope that's it but then she adds, "And fucking Liam said some things in there... I had to walk away before I ripped his face off."

There it is.

The words you've been dreading since Amy sat down.. or really since the minute Liam snuck back out your window that night. You used to think you regretted losing your virginty to him, you used to think you regretted your entire sophomore year. Now, you know you didn't even fucking understand regret until this exact moment, on a random deck at midnight, looking at her.

"Oh?" your voice shakes and you fake a shiver to try to attribute it to the cold. "What was he saying now?"

You're pretty sure Amy's looking for the crack in your exterior, but you steel yourself for what she's about to say. "That you were keeping shit from me. But I told him to fuck off - he's drunk and he's always trying to make me think he has some part of you I don't-"

"Which is crazy, Amy. You know you're so much more important than he's ever been," you tell her with certainty. No one has ever meant more to you than Amy Raudenfeld, especially not Liam.

"Yeah, I know. I just... you would tell me, right? Like if something was going on - you wouldn't keep that from me," she moves a little bit closer and you can tell she's nervous. Your heart is beating out of your chest and you're sure it's your body's way of telling you that sleeping with Liam is actually bad for your physical health. "I need you to be honest with me... did something happen with Liam?"

This is your moment of truth. It's your chance to just get it out in the open - tell your best friend what happened and deal with the fallout.

The problem here is that your best friend is also the girl you're sleeping with; instead of her being your confidant about this whole thing she's become the person you'll hurt the most with it. And the fallout would likely include Amy crying (which you never could stand) and her possibly never speaking to you again because how many times can she really say 'it's fine that you just stomped all over my heart again, Karma.'

So, you take a breath and all that you can manage is, "No, he's just trying to get under your skin, like always. Don't let him bother you. He's an ass."

There's something in Amy's eyes that you can't really decipher. For a second, you're pretty fucking sure she knows you just lied to her face. But then she nods, and whatever was there a moment ago isn't there now. Your chest feels tight when you think about how you just drove a wedge even further into that pre-existing crack from years ago, and ironically you somehow feel that distance more than ever as she pulls you in for a hug.

There was a time you once told each other everything. That time has now come and gone. And while you keep trying to convince yourself that you saved Amy pain with your lie, everything else in you is saying otherwise.

You can't help but want to cry two hours later when she drunkenly stumbles through her room, and flashes you a goofy smile, and you realize these moments with Amy are all you're ever going to want. You probably could spend the rest of forever watching her struggle to get a t-shirt over her own head because you feel some weird kind of contentment in your bones when you're with Amy, and you're only now understanding what that means. You're only now starting to comprehend the depth of your feelings for her and everything she could mean to you in the future. It's some kind of evil karmic retribution that you only begin to understand your feelings when you're faced with the idea of losing it all.

"I'm glad you stayed," Amy whispers into the air between you. Jesus, you feel like absolute shit. You probably should've just gone home to wallow in your own awfulness. But Amy's become something of an addiction in recent months. You find you never want to be far from her and nights spent alone are becoming some sort of sick torture.

"I'm glad I did too."

"I wish you could always stay."

Her drunken candidness is nothing new. Amy's always spewing feelings under the guise of some alcohol induced haze. For the first few months you'd laugh and your answer was always the same, 'Ames, you're drunk' - you can't remember when you eventually looked up and realized that Amy was just admitting to things in a way that she could easily take back if she was once again faced with your rejection.

The intensity of Amy's feelings for you was always just a little bit scary. But that was something you could handle. It's the intensity of your own feelings - ripping through your veins and clawing their way into your heart – that are particularly horrifying this time around; like your entire life's happiness is dependent upon whether Amy kisses you that day. You've never felt anything so strong (it makes your 'feelings' for Liam seem fucking laughable) and falling that hard - putting your entire heart in Amy's hands when you still can't reconcile why Amy even still wants you - strikes fear right through every part of you. Then, as if that kind of love isn't scary enough, you factor in Amy being a girl, and it's no wonder you went running to back to fuckface.

You thought maybe, since he came before Amy, you could force feelings to come back - like maybe you could prove to yourself Amy didn't mean as much as she so very clearly does. You thought you could prove to yourself that a boy could still do it for you since he was from before you started questioning who you're even attracted to - now, you kind of want to thank him for clarifying the fact that Amy fucking breathing on you turns you on more than he ever has.

"I'm here now," you say, softly, as you pull at her waist for her to come closer. "I'm here now... and there's nowhere else I'd wanna be."

Amy smiles at you - this certain smile that she seems to have reserved for quiet moments like these. You're still scared, sure, but somehow that moment with Liam reaffirmed your feelings for this girl next to you; and maybe that certainty has overpowered a lot of that fear. It's never been scary being with Amy when it's like this, when it's just the two of you sharing the same air across a pillowcase. It's scary when you think about everything else, but here like this, this is probably when you're both at your best. But, how can you manage to explain to Amy that sleeping with him was a good thing for the both of you - that sounds so absolutely ass backwards that you almost roll your eyes at yourself.

"Karma, I..." she trails off like she isn't sure she wants to continue that sentence, and the tremble in her voice makes you suddenly think you don't want her to either. "I know we - I just wanted to -"

You cut her off when you press your lips to hers, gently, because you can't bear to hear what might come out of her mouth. The guilt you're feeling about the situation (and now the lie) means that any admittance she might be about to make will be tainted with everything you've done wrong. If Amy ever actually does say those words again - it can't be like this.

You pull away slowly and rest your forehead against hers. "Hey," her eyes are suspiciously shiny when she hears your voice and looks up, "I know, okay? You don't have to say it."

She nods and you're glad she didn't interpret that as some sort of lack of acknowledgment of her feelings because really, you'd love to hear her wax poetic about your relationship, but your conscience isn't going to allow that without the end result being you bursting into tears. Tears would make Amy ask questions and you're honestly just barely keeping the words from jumping out of your throat as it is.

"I just. God, Karma," and then she's kissing you again and it feels like if she can't quite say the words she's at least trying to make damn sure you feel them instead. It's the kind of kiss Amy specializes in - the kind that sends shivers right down to your toes, literally, because she maintains this way of treating you like you're something fragile and special, with just a hint of desperate need, so you know you're so fucking wanted. It makes Amy a phenomenal kisser, and an even better lover. She's gotten reactions out of you that actually make you blush when you think about them in the middle of your World Civ lectures.

You love the feeling of Amy's skin beneath your fingertips. You love how smooth and soft she is compared to Liam and the way every move she makes seems sensual - like she was made specifically to turn you on (that's probably not true but when she makes you feel like this you can't be sure). How did you miss these feelings two years ago? And how did you deny them when you were texting that response to Liam? It feels a lot like Amy could write the book on how to love you properl,y and even then you know no one could do this quite the way she does.

She runs her fingers through your hair and pulls you in until literally all you can feel is Amy. Everywhere. All the words in the world can't describe how it feels to be utterly consumed by her in every way. You silently hope that this won't be the last time, but just in case it is, you vow to memorize every face, every breath, every reaction she gives you so that even if you did fuck this up entirely you'll know you didn't waste what time you had left.

So, you adjust yourself until you're on top of her and you kiss her like you've never needed anything as much as you need this. She tightens her grip on your waist and makes a strangled little noise - you know this is affecting her exactly as much as it's affecting you. You hope you can somehow pour all of your apologies into this, like maybe loving her a little harder and a little longer will somehow preemptively take away some of the hurt she'll feel in the future if the news ever gets back to her.

It's been exactly two weeks since you slept with Liam and you're at your wits end, you're constantly waiting for him to drop the news on Amy just for his own personal enjoyment. So far, Amy is none the wiser and you hope you can make it through your senior trip with your relationship intact. Five days and four nights in Disney World with both of them - you ponder how many ways there are for Liam to become egregiously injured in an amusement park just to keep him from being within a five-foot radius of Amy.

"Excited?" she asks and her eyes are full of enthusiasm as she looks over at you - it feels contagious.

"Of course I am. I get to spend five days in Disney with my best friend."

Amy eyes you like she's trying to solve a math problem. You're sure she's starting to sense that your feelings are edging past the point of physicality, but she seems to change her mind about actually asking you the questions you know she so desperately wants to voice. Instead, she laces your fingers together and smiles, as the plane starts moving. Yeah, you're basically ready to lose your shit about being twenty thousand feet in the air for this flight, but being next to Amy has always calmed your nerves a lot more than you'd ever care to admit.

The next few days pass by in a blur of rides, fireworks, stuffing your faces with too much food, and spending way too much money on souvenirs you know neither of you actually needs. It's sometime during your second night, standing next to Amy in Epcot watching the fireworks show, that your heart aches and hangs heavy at the lights reflected in her eyes. She looks so happy and carefree that you have to resist the urge to kiss her senseless and mumble your 'sorrys' against her lips so fervently that she can't even think straight enough to ask why.

You can hardly contain yourself when Amy comes walking out of your shared bathroom all done up for the luau on your last night. It's rare she spends time on her appearance, and you've always thought she was unfairly gorgeous without makeup, but this version of Amy makes you curse the fact that you're sharing this hotel room with Lauren and Lisbeth (Leila's parents couldn't afford the trip).

"Do I look okay?" it's such a stupid question for her to ask when you know your face is just giving away all your thoughts.

"Do you even have to ask?" she smirks at your answer and snorts when your face reddens after Lauren tells you both to 'stop overcrowding the room with your sapphic fantasies'.

And so, things go off without a hitch for a few hours. Liam has basically made himself scarce and you're grateful that you're both going to get out of this trip relatively unscathed. It's another week that your lie has held up - and yeah, you don't know if you're going to spend the rest of your life tallying all the days that you've gotten away with fooling Amy, but that seems like less of a burden than begging Amy for forgiveness until you're fifty. You're more sure than you've ever been that you want to keep Amy, and the thought of anyone else ever laying a finger on her makes you want to be violent.

It's a few minutes later, after you've raged with Shane to the most God-awful music, that you see Amy making her way across the makeshift dance floor. You're happy to see her because you've spent all damn day thinking about the prospect of spending some time all up in her personal space, since the only 'alone time' you've had on this trip has been some discreet cuddling at two in the morning under scratchy hotel blankets.

But, Amy looks the opposite of happy to see you, and when she opens her mouth you hear, "What the fuck, Karma?!" and your heart skips about ten beats. Everyone in the room has quieted, and they seem to be waiting on your reaction with baited breath.

You stare at her.

This could be anything - it's not like you haven't gotten into a screaming match over something as stupid as who would get up to put the popcorn in the microwave. This doesn't mean she knows, it just means Amy's mad at you and that's manageable.

"What-" you start to say, but then you see Liam lingering by the doorway with his typical 'I didn't mean it' pout on full display, and you know your charade has come to an abrupt end.

Amy's on the verge of a complete meltdown and you know you both need to get out of this room, so you reach for her wrist, but she flinches away in spectacular fashion and it hurts about as much as you expected it to. You wince.

"Amy, just let me-"

"Do not," she hisses, venom in her tone that's never been directed at you.

You made one mistake.

One mistake that's going to cost you Amy.