Saying Goodbye

Kagura is leaving; she announces this in the living room, and as the air whooshes from your lungs and your heart stops in your chest you pretend that you don't care. You look at the girl who is your almost-daughter and the closest thing to a sister you've ever had, who's grown tall and strong and smart, who's long stopped sneaking into your futon when either or both of you had nightmares. Soon she will be gone and you will live alone in this apartment, and the only things you will get from the ravenous Yato will be a letter or two, if she even remembers to send them.

(Sakamoto had promised letters. He'd promised one letter a week and emails whenever possible. What you got was a letter at Christmas and a letter at New Year's and about three emails in-between. You are not dumb enough to think that Kagura will write more often than that. Not when her father's beside her and there are aliens to kill and she has a whole universe to see.)

You pick your nose and tell her that that's one less mouth to feed, then, and she glares at you. She says that Papi will buy her all the sukonbu she wants and he won't even complain, and she'll actually get a share of the wages, uh-huh. You point out that you actually have begun giving them wages, her and Shinpachi both - it's not your fault that she's somehow inherited your poor spending habits and blows the money on sukonbu about two minutes after she receives it. She yells that she'll be glad to get away from you and your drunken lazy butt and you feign irritation.

She yells and you yell and you both pretend that you don't care, and it's all an elaborate act. Shinpachi tries to break things up and talk sense but you and Kagura were too similar in the first place and are more so now. Shinpachi grew up normal and sensible and so with any other person he'd know what to do, but you and Kagura are so beyond normal and so beyond standard that he's reduced to staring helplessly at the two of you as you and Kagura fire volleys of insults at each other. You feel sorry for him, almost, because he doesn't quite get that this is how the two of you cope, pretending you don't care so that no one else knows how much you really do. Shinpachi knows, sort of, that this is how you two act, but he doesn't quite get it because he grew up normal - he knows to fake smiles so people don't worry, but he doesn't understand the stubborn determination in you and Kagura and he never will; he's never grown up in a world where no one cared, and you would never wish it on him.

You see Kagura shaking and you pretend not to notice because you know that she's got her father's pride, and she hates showing weakness. Most of all you know that she's trying to pretend it doesn't hurt to leave, and since you have done the exact same thing so many times in the past (though your attempts were far better hidden) you know better than to call her out on her pain. Bringing attention to hurt just makes it that much worse, so you make a face at her and tell her that you will enjoy it down here, all quiet and peaceful and certainly much less expensive.

She bares her teeth in that insane smile you taught her, grinning that mocking grin as she lifts one hand and spreads her fingers as if she's saying farewell, and says that she'll eat lots and lots of chocolate and you won't be there to eat it. You mirror her grin bigger and wilder and tell her that you'll raid her secret stash of sukonbu and eat it all before she can pack it, and this is when she pounces on you with all the fury of a tiger, snarling and clawing and biting, and you yelp as you try to disentangle yourself from the mass of hair and dress and pointy ends. Somewhere in the commotion Shinpachi leaves and you know that he's surely upset, but he's older than Kagura and he's learning to be a samurai, so you let him be because you can see all too easily the pain in Kagura's eyes and you know that she needs this now. You can comfort Shinpachi after Kagura leaves, after all, and he's got a sister at home who will look after him till then. He's old enough that he needs to learn to deal with pain.

At some point of time she says that Papi is so much better than you, and this would sting if you didn't see the glimmer of tears building in her eyes. You reach out and ruffle her hair and say that yeah, you know, it'll be good for her to get out into the galaxy with him, and this is when she breaks down crying. She's taller than she used to be and when she circles strong arms around your waist you hug her back and tell her that you will miss her, which is really all that either of you wanted to say. Her tears are warm and soak through your gi as she gasps sobs against you, slim shoulders heaving, and you shut your eyes as you bury your face in her soft hair.

"I can't go," she says, finally, and you shake your head.

"You have to," you tell her, and she whips her head up to face you, eyes flashing fury, and asks you who the hell you are to tell her what she has to do?

"Your boss," you say, instead of 'the man who raised you for half your life'. "He's your father. Wasn't this your dream?" Kagura shakes her head and looks at you with pleading eyes and you sigh - "this planet is too small for you." Words Sakamoto told you years ago, words that you told her when she was a tiny twelve-year-old brat, and now she's a slightly bigger brat so she understands what you're trying to say.

"The Yorozuya isn't," she retorts, "you guys were never." You smile a slightly bitter smile.

"Neither is your father."

And this is so damn confusing that for once you don't know what to do. If Kagura cares for the Yorozuya like family but it's always been her dream to travel the galaxy with her father, and if she can only have one or the other, what should she pick? You think that each option will break her a little and for a moment you hate her father and you hate yourself for putting this girl in such a situation. You want an option where she can have both, where she doesn't have to lose one or the other.

You want her to have the option you never had at her age.

You help Kagura pack, and despite all your teasing you put every single one of her sukonbu packets inside the trunk and you do not eat a single bite. You laugh at her when she rifles through the pockets of the bag and counts them as carefully as a banker counting his bills, and you watch from the corner of your eye as she carefully seals her few photos of the four of you in a plastic bag, putting them gently in a pouch and laying it in her trunk like it's her most precious jewel.

This is all while you pack Sadaharu's trunk, because Sadaharu will go with her - she'd put her foot down about this.

If you're bringing me, then I get to bring Sadaharu, she'd written to her father; Shinpachi, being the straight man, had yelled that it was not the same thing, but somehow she'd gotten her way. You are stuck packing the giant dog's litter tray and pillows and collar and leash, and while Kagura isn't looking you slip in a few extra treats for the animal, too. The animal has grown on you.

Kagura gets teary-eyed. You know because you see her swipe her sleeve furiously across her eyes a few times, hands fisting into little white balls. You just stare blank-eyed at the stuff and shoo her away while you go through her things, just to make sure she didn't forget anything. Kagura yells that she won't go away because then you'll eat all her sukonbu while she's looking somewhere else, and you feel her gaze on you as you pack.

Later you pull a chair over the Yorozuya sign as she stares at you with confusion. You stand on the wooden stool and tilt the sign, and you retrieve the picture you'd put up there so many years ago - for luck, and as your own version of a prayer. Let's stay together for a long time. A picture of the four of you, happy and together - it was rather symbolic: all of you united under the banner of the Yorozuya. Not anymore, though, and Kagura will need this more than you do.

You hand it to her and she takes it with wide eyes and reverent hands. Kagura is the sort that cares very much for symbolism; she goes out a few minutes later and comes back with the picture laminated "just in case". You just glance out the window at the setting sun and think that you've got so little time left together. There's a lump in your throat and a band around your chest. You swallow and go to the fridge to get some strawberry milk.

She's leaving tomorrow; you go down to the bar for a drink and Otose pours you a cup.

"When are you leaving?" She asks, using you instead of she, because she's forgotten that you're not going. Your throat closes like there's a clamp around it, and you find that you can't drink a sip. You shut your eyes and put down the cup.

"I'm not going," you remind her, hand clenching tight around the cup. You have to force yourself to keep the grip light enough that the cup doesn't shatter. Otose eyes you carefully - "You promised my husband to protect me," she says slowly, and your heart grips and your stomach clenches and you know that you are so firmly tied to this place. You cannot leave the person you swore to protect. Anger wells in your gut, surging up through your body, and it's gone as soon as it comes, leaving you tired and weak.

"I know," you tell her hoarsely. You shut your eyes and steel your heart, trying to keep it from breaking.

"But what can you protect if you don't look after what you have?" Otose asks, and you stare at her for a moment, slumped in the bar seat. She reaches out and touches your hair like you're a child and you let her. "My husband promised to protect me, too. So did Jirochou."

You nod. They did. But Jirochou has gone travelling with his daughter and her husband is dead and you're all that's left. You never break your promises, no matter how much it hurts to keep them. You will stay with Otose even if it breaks you, the same way you protected Katsura and Takasugi for sensei at the cost of your heart.

Otose sighs. Turns away, wiping a glass, and says, casually, that Jirochou came back, did you know that? "His daughter is one hell of a fighter," she informs you, "Jirochou has trained her well. All thanks to you."

At this she turns and looks you in the eye with that steely gaze she shares with your deceased sensei. "It's time to put Jirochou and his brat to work, don't you think?"

It is late, but there are things you must do.

You go to Shinpachi's house and knock, and Otae tells you that her brother is not home, that she thought he was staying over at your house since Kagura is leaving tomorrow. You nod, politely, tell her that no, nothing is wrong, Shinpachi must have gone for a walk before coming home. You turn away from her worried face and stroll down the path and search the town for the wayward boy, only to find him by the riverbank, where somehow your friends always seem to end up when they contemplate what they are about to lose. Shinpachi is smiling determinedly as tears and snot run down his cheeks and you sigh - "It's not like she's dead," you say, and Shinpachi grins at you through the tears.

"I know," he says, but his smile is breaking and he looks achingly sad. "But Kagura-chan…"

You snort, because for all your trying you haven't yet managed to teach the boy not to cry. You drop to the ground and lean your weight back on your arms; stare up at the sky. "I know," you say. You know it so well that your stupidly fragile heart is breaking, no matter how many times you try to harden it. "We can never be just two," you tell Shinpachi, repeating the words you told Gengai so many years ago. The Yorozuya cannot miss a member and still go on - it doesn't work like that. None of you is ever complete without the others.

You sigh. Some things are more important than this planet, and Kagura and Shinpachi and the Yorozuya are definitely some of them.

"So this is what we'll do."

You go home very late, in the wee hours of the morning, and though she should be asleep by now Kagura slips into your bed (for old times sake, she insists. She's not scared or lonely. Not at all, uh-huh). It doesn't matter that she's older than she used to be. You'd never do anything perverted or wrong to this girl.

Tomorrow she will leave the apartment early to meet her father, and you and Shinpachi will meet her at the airport. You know the flight she'll be on to the last letter and you've ingrained the departure time on your heart.

"I don't want to leave," she says, voice small, and you pull her close like you did when she was just twelve - like you did when her problems were smaller and less complicated, when leaving was always someday, when some part of her still thought that the Yorozuya was forever. You don't want that hopeful part of her to die. She's warm and smells the same as she always has, and when you bury your face in her soft hair it's just as comforting as it always was.

"I know," you say. "But think of what you can learn out there. It won't be all that bad."

"It won't be the same," she says plaintively.

"I know," you say. "But change isn't bad."

"I'll miss you," she grates, voice cracking, and you shut your eyes.

"It'll be okay," you whisper in her ear, as her warm tears soak your gi. She's still a child. She's still such a child. She shouldn't have to go through this.

You want Kagura to be happy, you want Shinpachi to be happy, you want the Yorozuya to be happy. You want to be happy. And maybe it's selfish, but you don't give a damn anymore. You want to be happy and as long as you were with the Yorozuya you were happy, and there are some things you never want to end. You pull the girl tight and whisper promises in her ear, and you can tell from her shaky laugh that she doesn't believe you.

You promise her that you and Shinpachi will always be there, and she snuggles close. She thinks you're just making empty promises, like a father does to his child. She doesn't realise yet that you've never broken a promise and never will.

The nest day dawns bright and early and when Kagura leaves she casts your apartment one last, longing look; rather than leaving the way they always leave for jobs - jumping out windows, banging open doors, pouring food into their mouths as they run through the street - she glances around the room with a sad smile on her face and says that "you'd better not be late, Gin-chan, or else!"

You are not late. You are at the terminal very, very early - it's simply that you meet Kagura very, very late; approximately five minutes before departure, and by then she's growling and cursing your name with such dark fury that even her father seems afraid. You just feel bad because it means that she was hurt that you were late.

The sheer number of people seeing Kagura off takes your breath away - the entire Shinsengumi squad is there; so are Kyuubei and her monkey, and Ayumu accompanies them. Otae stands beside Kagura, promising that she will smash Shinpachi's head in for being late, while Tsukuyo stands with Hinowa and Seita hovers around them. The hundred blooms stand behind them and Saigo has brought all the okama. Otose is beside Kagura, patting her shoulder - "That perm-headed idiot will be here soon," you hear her say, and you smile because she knows you too well.

Umibozou sees you first - he splutters and gasps and you wonder if he's choking. Kagura looks up from beside him and stares at you uncomprehendingly.

"Gin-chan…?"

"Aa. Sorry we're late," you say, and you smile lazily. "There were some problems while I was trying to buy the tickets." You hold up the two slips of white paper and Kagura stares. Her eyes are wide and shocked and you grin lazily, and when Umibozou asks what the hell you think you'e doing you touch the fake ears on your head and inform him that if he's allowed to bring Kagura and she's allowed to bring Sadaharu, then Sadaharu is allowed to bring you and you're allowed to bring your pair of glasses.

And as her father begins to splutter and yell at you Kagura breaks into a grin, blue eyes wide and bright as the sky, her smile wide and showing all her teeth. I taught her that smile, you want to tell Umibozou. The Yorozuya made her smile. She won't be properly happy without us there - she's just a child. You fix Umibozou with a hard gaze - she is just a child, you tell him with your eyes. Do not make her choose between two things she loves.

No one is going to die and she is not going to have to suffer loss, but it is cruel to give her her father and the Yorozuya and make her choose. Kagura's heart is too big for her own good - she loves completely and wholeheartedly and no matter what she says she treasures those around her. She's just a little brat, really, but you had to choose between two things you loved, once (under different circumstances, but still).

You had to choose, once, and there wasn't a right choice. You still have nightmares of it today and you will not make Kagura go through anything remotely similar if you can help it. She's a brat grown up too fast, a kid that's lost too much too soon. You won't give her something else to lose.

"You look stupid, Gin-chan," Kagura informs you. You glance at her with feigned indifference, then you turn to her father and say, very blankly, "woof". Umibozou asks you what the hell you're supposed to be and you tap the fake ears - "I'm Sadaharu's short-sighted kid," you inform him, grinning.

"How the hell is that even possible?!" Umibozou yells.

"Have you considered the role of a straight man?" You ask him. "You should. Shinpachi's been slacking off."

When you leave the terminal, Umibozou is making a nuisance of himself, screaming at you like that, and you're all late because of the goodbyes and because you had to iron out things with Umibozou.

The three of you leave the way you always do. Running and throwing luggage around and cursing because you've forgotten something in the last-minute rush, ending up with Otae throwing one forgotten item after another after you and almost decapitating Umibozou more than once and generally generating as much chaos as humanly possible. You're all shrieking and yelling as you make a mad dash for the plane, and when you turn around to make sure that everyone's there Umibozou's face is red with rage and Kagura and Shinpachi wear identical grins; from the tightness of your cheeks and the clench in your jaw you know that you're wearing it too.