Sheldon Swifties : "The Hofstadter Family…"

Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…

Part I…

"They're creep and they're cooky…

Mysterious and spooky…

They're all together ooky…

The Hofstadter family…

Do da da da…Neat…" Howard holds up photo of Beverly looking grim and prim.

Leonard rolling eyes…Guys …

"Do da da da…Not so sweet…" Raj holds up group photo of Leonard's siblings, looking arrogant and self-satisfied, Beverly in their midst, the most so of all…

Penny, trying to smile…Apprehensive look…

"Do da da da…Do da da da…Petit." Howard and Raj holding a photo of Leonard next to Penny.

"Hey! He's an inch taller than you!" Penny glared at Howard.

"Yeah…Thanks guys for frightening my fiancée out of her wits before our first dinner with my whole family, excepting of course Dad and clinically crazy Aunt Sylvia…" Leonard sighed.

"I'm ok…I handled Sheldon, I handled Beverly…I can do this…" Penny, affecting confidence.

"But never in concentrated, multiple forms…" Sheldon notes, from his spot...Amy beside him, basking in his presence since his long-anticipated return. "Want my opinion?"

"No!" Penny, Leonard…

"Yes, shut up, Sheldon." Amy, firmly. The others staring as Sheldon did so…

"Under the terms of the Relationship Agreement, the party left behind with inadequate notice can do things like that for a space not greater than but no less than the time involved. So for the next three months, I can order him around like a bad puppy. Right, Sheldon?"

"Yeah…" reluctantly.

"What's that?" sternly.

"Yes…Ma'am…"

"How did that get in there?" Leonard stared at Sheldon.

"I thought for sure she'd abandon me at the first train conference I took her to…But she sucked it up and clung to me for the whole three days. Love is a damned nuisance, Leonard."

"Shut up, Sheldon." Amy repeated. Sheldon sighing…

"Amy, don't let it go to your head." Bernadette, nervously. "I tell you, I've been there when Howard's been willing to do anything to make up with me or get sex…It's easy to let the power corrupt."

"May I?" Sheldon eyed Amy.

Nod.

"I hurt Amy dreadfully by going away without even offering to take her or discuss it with her, she deserves a chance to get me back a little for it. And actually she's feeling so guilty if I hadn't insisted she do it as a just punishment, I'd never have the chance to redeem myself a little."

"Only one more day, Sheldon…Please?" Amy pleaded.

"No chance these powers are transferrable?" Howard asked…Slyly…

"Oh, by all means!" Amy, eagerly. "Take this burden from my shoulders, please!"

"No, Amy!" Sheldon cried.

"Too late…" Howard grinned. "Shut up, Sheldon!"

"Piss off, you little jerk!" Amy responded.

All blinking…

"We provided for that eventuality…" Amy, proudly. Sheldon nodding and pointing to her with smile of approval.

"Ok, the thirty-second period of silence is over." Sheldon sighed. "Wasn't Amy brilliant to guess Howard would try something like that and build in a Wolowitz fail-safe to the Relationship Agreement?"

"I learned the 'piss-off' phrase from the janitor I used to have lunch with at high school and my bestie here…" Amy beamed at Penny.

"No need to be rude…" Bernadette frowned.

"Hey! There's no need for that kind of talk to my girlfriend!" Sheldon, angrily. "I mean…" he looked at the group in general… "For Bernadette, relatively speaking that's longshoremen's language. Practically…Nebraskan?" he eyed Penny who considered…

Yeah, kinda…She nodded, eyeing Bernadette who sighed guiltily.

Well, I guess I was going a bit far there…

"Guys…I'm facing a difficult sit here…" Penny pleaded. "Howard, Amy can't we just shelve this stuff till later? When I'll be feeling a need to work off my own intense humiliation?"

"Fine…" Bernadette nodded. "We'll hold off on going nuclear if they will." She eyed Sheldon and Amy.

"My God…Are you two having your first Rostenwoski-Wolowitz/Fowler-Cooper fight?" Raj eyed them. "That is so cute."

"Yeah, it's the delightful predecessor of many such to come, I'm sure. But right now, could we focus on helping my fiancée see that there's nothing at all for her to worry about?" Leonard urged.

"But…There is…" Sheldon noted. "Your family boasts a host of achievements under your mother's skillful tutelage whereas Penny is the success story of hers…Not."

"Hey…" Penny, more anxious than annoyed. "My father's a very good farmer and business guy."

"In Nebraska…" Sheldon noted. "I imagine being able to spell relatively correctly there counts as the equivalent of several college degrees anywhere else."

"Shut up, Sheldon…And I don't need any 'transfer of powers'…" Leonard frowned. "Penny, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about…My family is…"

Well…

Penny staring as he desperately reached for words…

"Is the word you're reaching for…Intolerant?" Howard noted. "Arrogant?"

"Smug?" Raj… "Overbearing? Stifling?"

"Oh, this is fun…" Sheldon noted. "Self-righteous and demeaning?"

"Hey…" Leonard sighed.

Still, one has to admit…He broke off his musing as he caught Penny eyeing him.

It won't be…That…Bad? Her look clearly asking…

I mustn't lie to her…Ever…Leonard thought.

But, on the other hand…I haven't seen most of the guys in five years and not all of them in one place for at least ten. They could have "mellowed", right?

…..

"So there's Michael, he's the law professor guy, right? Leonard?" Penny, anxiously eyeing herself in a compact mirror. Ok, all that a full day's beauty treatment and watching every TV show with successful science and other professional women from "Orphan Black" to "Scandal" could do. And there's no doubt that while this outfit says "classy"…She eyed her bunned hair, the short black jacket and rather elegant dress, the pearls Leonard had insisted on buying her as an early wedding present…That stops now…Until after we honeymoon on the Riviera and buy a nice townhouse…Then he can go for it with my eager blessing. Just kidding, only till the kids start poppin' out…It also says…Man, did that little geek hit the sexy smokin' jackpot.

"Yeah…Michael." Sigh.

"Do I call him Michael, Mike, Mich?"

"Professor Hofstadter or, Sir, probably." He renewed sigh. "And his wife, Irene, the youngest appellate judge in New Jersey history will probably want to be addressed as Your Honor."

Oh…That is not Leonard's "It's a joke" face.

"Or maybe…Your Honoress?" Penny smiled then sighed at Leonard's glum stare.

"Not helping here, sweetheart." She noted.

"I'm sorry, Penny." He shook head. "I just hate having to face that group again, with the only saving grace that Mom sometimes comments on the others' faults if only to ensure that the misery is properly spread about."

"Great…" Penny, frozen smile.

"Sorry…This isn't fair to you." Leonard shook his head. "You know what, screw them. Those jerks made my life miserable. And you didn't…"

"Thanks for the heartfelt praise…" she eyed him.

"You know what I mean…Penny, you're smarter and finer than the whole lot put together. And if you don't wanna see them."

"Of course I wanna see them, Leonard." She frowned. "They're your family. I wanna be a part of that…And should you croak suddenly one day, I might have to be able to call on them for burial money." Wan grin.

"I'm sure you'll burn me out pretty…" he began, smiling.

"Leonard!" she suddenly trembled. "No! Don't say that! Don't ever say that!"

"Penny?! Oh…Penny…I didn't mean…"

"And they say I'm not an actress…" she beamed. "But that'll be our escape line should I need a quick dodge to some pointed question about my family, ok?"

"I dunno…There's a lot of dodging that would have to be done." He noted. "In my family, 'pointed' questions are the only ones considered worth asking."

And I really am a good actress…Faking faking distress like that.

Don't you ever die on me, my lil' poptart…She eyed him. You keep right on chuggin' along spouting geek stuff and makin' my world worth living till I die from all the stuff that my mom always said would kill me by age forty.

Only now, make that one hour or less before whatever age you die, Leonard…Please God.

"And then there's your older sister, Susan, right?" she resumed. "She does medical research,right?"

"Cure for diabetes using gibbons, yeah."

"Well, there ya go…We'll have plenty to talk about." She beamed.

"What? What?" Leonard stared.

"I starred in a killer ape movie, remember? Well, sorta a half-ape and half-girl…"

"Yeah…Yeah…" Leonard, picturing… "That oughta give you ladies some common ground."

"And your other brother, Hindelman…Hindy? Hofstadter?" she beamed. "I'll bet with a name like that he's become the fun-loving one in the family."

"If you consider a philosopher-historian trying to move for the return of the US to the British Empire to quash all that foolish democracy talk, 'fun-loving', sure." He nodded.

"Leo boy, you're supposed to be bucking me up here…" she frowned.

"Penny, you'll be fine." He sighed. "I just hate the idea of listening to them aping Mom and looking down their noses…What?" he eyed her grin.

"Aping? See. We'll get on just fine." Chuckle. Ape queen snort, arms raised.

"They're sure to be impressed by the fact I'm friends and costarred with Wil Wheaton of Star Trek."

"Hmmn…More likely, puzzled… 'Star what?'."

"What, they don't like 'Star Trek'? What kind of ultra geek type doesn't like 'Star Trek'?"

"They're very much not 'ultra-geeks'." Sigh. "And please don't mention 'Star Trek' or 'Star Wars' in front of them?"

"Why not? You love that stuff…That lovable geek stuff. Are you saying your family doesn't approve of it?"

"And you're thinking…Please, please, please, please, please…" he grinned.

"Of course not…Geekdom is what made you what you are…I owe it big time." Smile. "And I rather find Captain Prichard…"

"Picard."

"Yeah, yeah… Hot. Though not so much the Kirk one. He reminds me of another Kirk I knew. We knew." She eyed him.

"I get that."

"And Han and Luke are reasonably hot. That Jar-jar guy's a hoot."

"Jar-Jar Bings? You like Jar-Jar Bings?"

"Mesa says, the Jar man is street." She beamed. "Wil taught me that."

Uh-huh…He stared.

I see Wil Wheaton still has just a little evil left…He frowned.

"And Padme is a strong female character till she wusses…Me, I woulda kicked that Anakin's Jedi ass right out of the Sith and told the Emperor… 'Dad, you're resigning today.'"

"Dad? But…" Leonard blinked.

"They both came from Naboo, right? He arranged things so Anai and she would hook up and have kids right? His assassination plots kept failing, right? Come on, he was her real father, Leonard."

Hmmn… "You know, there has been speculation…" he nodded, pondering.

"And if that fails, I could tell them I'm a friend of Dr. Sheldon Cooper. That's sure to impress any child of Beverly Hofstadter." She grinned.

…