It all felt unreal.
It was nighttime, but he knew that it was Saruhiko who was just there, painfully reachable. Misaki could have just grabbed him then and there. When he left to join Scepter 4, he felt very distant, like everything they had been through together disappeared into nothingness, to never be recalled again.
Misaki didn't like that fact.
He didn't like showing it, but it hurt. It pained him. He had been betrayed for he himself didn't know how many times, and Saruhiko was the last person that he expected to do that. He trusted Saruhiko with all his life, all his everything.
But here he was, betraying him all over again.
Betraying him by sitting ridiculously close to someone else that wasn't Misaki.
Misaki and Saruhiko shared a relationship back then when they were in middle school. They were lovers and best friends at the same time; for Misaki, they shared the most perfect and functioning relationship possible. They understood each other even without words, they didn't need words, but somehow it all broke and Misaki wasn't sure when and how.
He convinced himself that he would move on quickly, because that was how Yata Misaki did things: he moved on without ever looking back, but it seemed that Saruhiko was too special for that mentality.
And so Misaki felt less special, in fact, worthless was the word, as Saruhiko seemed to have perfectly moved on without him.
Saruhiko was sitting close to somebody in the park and resting his head on said somebody's shoulder, something that only the two of them were allowed to do to each other, with the keyword being "were."
Who was that guy? Misaki didn't even know who he was, but he was ridiculously familiar. Misaki swore that he saw the guy before.
Oh, right, it was a guy from Scepter 4.
Of course he was from Scepter 4. Saruhiko was evidently happier in Scepter 4, happier than when he was in HOMRA, happier than when he was with Misaki.
Just the thought was making Misaki see red all over.
He stomped off the place before he could be spotted, and he could have sworn that it wasn't deliberate that he broke a nearby public trashcan while doing so. It wasn't deliberate that he proceeded to kick it repeatedly and burned it afterwards. He couldn't possibly have been that angry, right?
But he was.
He was angrier than he ever have been before, angrier than the moment that Saruhiko declared that he was leaving, angrier than the moment that he burned his HOMRA tattoo in front of him and insulted everything that he cared about.
Saruhiko should have insulted himself too, because he apparently didn't know that he was the one that Misaki cared about the most.
Saruhiko was the most important to him. He wanted to make the "was" in that sentence literal, but he couldn't even if he tried a million times.
He kicked another trashcan that he saw and stomped on it several times before completely mashing it with his baseball bat. Stupid trashcans should just rot and die somewhere, just like that guy that Saruhiko was with. Misaki didn't know who he was, but he probably was a trashcan.
And Misaki was the trash itself.
He grumbled at the thought and walked away, inadvertently bumping into somebody. He mumbled an unmeant apology, and the next thing that he knew, he was being held tightly on the neck by somebody.
"Hey, kid, think ya own the place, huh?" Whoever he bumped into gruffly spoke. Misaki narrowed his eyes at the man, not even bothering to give out an audible response.
"Yer so fuckin' rude, eh? Scum like ya should be beaten up, hm?"
Misaki spat at the man which earned him a punch on the face.
"Men, teach this kid a lesson." The big guy wiped his cheek before proceeding to look at Misaki again. "Which limb would you want to remain?"
"…I'm giving you five seconds to get away from me."
"What was that, huh? Think ya can fight us, short guy?" The man lifted his arm to punch Misaki yet again, but Misaki decided to grab it and snapped whatever bone that was that cracked. The man gave a pained and angry yelp, his underlings automatically charging at Misaki.
He picked up his fallen baseball bat, and he got unwanted flashbacks about how he bought it with Saruhiko back then. He remembered again what caused him to be so infuriated in the first place, and before he knew it, he already has lifted the bat and bashed one of the men's head with it repeatedly.
Blood was everywhere, and Misaki realized that maybe this was what Saruhiko meant by wanting nothing but "blood and flesh."
The others fearfully moved back, staring at Misaki with shaking eyes. "Y-You're crazy!"
"It's just a little kid, you fucking weaklings!" Their leader exclaimed, but Misaki noticed that he was shaking as well. What an asshole, Misaki thought.
He lifted his baseball bat again, and by the time that he was finished, his originally white shirt was already tainted with red.
He scanned his surroundings, ready to leave. He silently thanked that it was nighttime, nobody would notice how he looked, and nobody would find those… corpses until morning, perhaps.
He started walking again, returning to kicking trashcans around. Every trashcan that he passed by in order to get to Bar HOMRA was either fallen down or in pieces, not like he would care.
He opened the door to the bar and noticed that it was only Totsuka and Kusanagi around. "I'm back." He greeted.
Totsuka hurried to him, worried, and that was when he realized the weight of his actions. He fell on his knees and covered his face, his frame slightly shaking.
"Yata-chan… What happened to you? Why is your shirt…?" Totsuka let himself trail off, and Misaki greatly appreciated that. He heard Kusanagi rushing upstairs to take a first-aid kit; Misaki would have said that it wasn't needed since he wasn't really wounded, but he didn't have the energy for that anymore.
The moment he saw Totsuka's worried eyes, a very strong and unexplainable surge of guilt and energy loss waved over him. He remorselessly killed people without even batting a single eyelash.
"Totsuka-san…" Misaki didn't even realize that he was already crying. "I killed people."
Misaki knew that there were a million of better ways to state that sentence, but he couldn't be bothered right now. His whole frame was shaking for a reason that he himself couldn't exactly pinpoint, and Totsuka nodded understandingly at him.
He didn't understand why he was not reprimanded. Should he turn himself in or not? Neither Totsuka nor Kusanagi made a comment in regards to that.
Maybe he didn't have to turn himself in, after all.
—-
Misaki knew that he didn't have good luck.
It was always quite far from that.
But it was just too much when he was walking around the next day and saw Saruhiko again with that mystery boyfriend of his.
It was daytime now, so he could clearly see the guy's face. He had brown hair and brown eyes, and the way he smiled loosely reminded Misaki of himself. That thought was making Misaki infuriated again. The thought of being replaced by someone identical but not quite; there was the feeling of worthlessness yet again.
What was that guy's name anyway?
"Saru, you want ice cream?" The guy asked and Misaki gave kudos to himself for not raging then and there. The guy freaking called him "Saru." Back then, it was only Misaki who ever called him that. He was the only one who had that privilege, damn, he was the one who created that nickname.
Fucking trashcan asshole copycat.
"Okay." That was Saruhiko's silent response, but Misaki saw that he was smiling almost unnoticeably. That smile was supposed to be only reserved for Misaki, he used to be the only one who could make Saruhiko smile, but now…
"I'll race you to the ice cream vendor!" The guy chuckled and started running away.
"Tch, no fair! You know that I don't like running!"
Misaki suddenly forgot all his pent-up rage for the reason that he just had a sudden flashback about him and Saruhiko doing the exact same thing back then in middle school. How the guy initiated a race, how Saruhiko expressed disapproval but ran anyway… It was exactly what they did before.
Before Misaki realized what he was doing, he ran as well and grabbed Saruhiko's arm, pulling him in a nearby alleyway. His grip was strong enough to succeed, but he was quiet enough to not be noticed by Saruhiko's companion who continued running. Saruhiko was evidently taken aback, letting out a fast honest gasp, before realizing that it was none other than Misaki who did that. Upon his realization, he scowled, something that Misaki didn't fail to recognize.
So Saruhiko now scowls when he sees him.
It wasn't like that back then.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"…What the hell are you playing at, Misaki? Let go, I'm busy."
"What the hell are you playing at, Saruhiko? Who was that guy?"
"It's none of your business. Just let me go already."
"…I'm not letting go." Not anymore. Not again.
"I said I'm busy!"
"I said I'm not letting go!"
Saruhiko clicked his tongue, his scowl not leaving his face even for at least a short moment. "Okay, what do you want?"
"What's going on, Saru?" Misaki asked, almost pathetically. He wondered if that nickname still held a special meaning for Saruhiko, a special meaning that should connect to Misaki and not the other guy. "Why… Why are you acting so close to that guy?"
"He's my lover." Saruhiko answered, and Misaki felt a series of different emotions upon hearing that word. Lover. He's my lover. Misaki already knew, but it sounded and felt really different once he heard Saruhiko declare it that way. "Satisfied now? Get out of my sight already."
"…He's your lover?"
"Yes. Why are you even bothering me about this, Misaki? It's not funny. Just let go."
"But… why?" Misaki was aware on how stupid he was sounding, but he couldn't help it. His thoughts suddenly went to a halt the moment he heard that word. Maybe he really was an idiot.
"What the hell do you mean, Misaki? I can have a lover if I want to. You don't get to control me."
"How can you just throw everything away, Saruhiko? We used to be… that close. Like the guy that you're with. Maybe even closer than that. It used to be just the two of us-"
"Shut up now, Misaki. You don't have the right to start talking about that."
"Saruhiko… Why did we become like this?" His voice sounded oddly innocent, but he could feel that he was on the verge of crying. "What happened to us?"
"…I'm sure you can answer that on your own, Misaki. Now let me leave."
"No. I'm not letting you go again!"
"What the hell do you mean by that, Misaki!?" Saruhiko looked really mad at him now. He wondered why. "You have no idea how long it took me to get over you! Now I'm happy and trying to move on with my life, you're going to come back and do this to me again! Go away!"
"…What?"
Saruhiko started trying to get out of Misaki's grip, and Misaki thanked for the first time that he was stronger than the other. "Stop playing with me!"
"I'm not playing with you, Saruhiko… I want to go back together with you."
"No, you don't!"
That was when Misaki realized that Saruhiko was trying to stop himself from crying too. It wasn't just him. It was the same for Saruhiko too.
But why?
This was the first time that he wished for himself to be smarter.
"Saru…" Misaki slowly loosened his grip on the other, but proceeded to embrace him. "I'm saying the truth."
"But you can't do this… We can't do this… Hidaka, he's-" Misaki mentally noted that Hidaka was probably the name of the guy. "It would be so unfair to him. He tried so hard to get closer to me, yet you… You can make me feel confused just by grabbing me like this… Please just let me go, Misaki. Stop making things difficult for the both of us."
"…It would be less difficult if you just let me in again."
"I can't possibly be that selfish, Misaki." Saruhiko forced himself to make eye contact. "It would be very unfair for him…"
"Then… Just for today… Just for today, come back to me… Be mine again. After that, I'll never bother you anymore, I promise."
Saruhiko looked like he was contemplating something, before biting his lower lip and fishing out his phone. Misaki wondered what he planned to do.
"I'm sorry for disappearing on you. I just realized that I have something to take care of today. I'm really sorry. Tomorrow, I'll make it up to you, okay? I'm really sorry. Thank you."
Misaki sighed in relief. He realized that he was being selfish as well, and he was forcing Saruhiko to be as selfish as him.
It was only for one day though.
He was going to make the most of it.
"Thank you, Saru."
"…"
"Let's hang out? In our place?" Our. That word felt strangely familiar and foreign at the same time. Misaki still lived at the place that he used to own with Saruhiko. Maybe that was why he didn't move on as fast as he expected himself to do so.
"…Okay." Misaki felt the hesitation in his voice, but Misaki still felt happy. Too happy, even.
"Do you still remember how to go there?"
"Of course."
"Well, race you there then!" He started running, and he himself didn't know why he seemed to be copying Saruhiko's current lover. Maybe it was his jealousy, maybe it was his way to remind himself that he was the first one who did that.
He became even more happier when he heard Saruhiko running behind him. For a moment, he thought that Saruhiko would escape from him and return to his lover.
Misaki was delighted that he didn't.
—-
"This place was so much like it did before." Saruhiko idly commented upon walking inside the place. His eyes were scanning around and Misaki felt strangely nostalgic, being in this place together with Saruhiko. His new hairstyle though…
Misaki instinctively reached out a hand and ruffled Saruhiko's hair. Saruhiko looked surprised, and Misaki was happy about the fact that his hair felt exactly like it did before. Not too long after, Saruhiko's hair was messy, but looked like it did back then.
"…You did that on purpose." Saruhiko looked at him, but Misaki didn't see any hostility in his eyes. That was good, he thought.
"I did…" Misaki smiled a bit. "You look just like you did before, and I like that."
"…"
"Is there anything you want to do? How about some games?"
"Let's play some games that we played before."
"Oh, right, of course!"
The air was still heavy, but Misaki probably could do something to lighten it up later.
—-
Misaki laughed. "You still haven't defeated me in this game!"
"Tch. I only let you win."
"Eh!? What was that!? Wanna go again!?"
"Heh."
Misaki had another sudden flashback of something exactly similar that happened before. Seriously, he didn't know that that could happen a lot in one day.
Saruhiko waved a hand in front of his face which caused him to return to reality. "You're spacing out again, Misaki. So unlike you."
"Well, I… can't believe that you agreed… you're actually here."
Saruhiko remained wordless as Misaki embraced him again. "You're actually here, Saru…"
"…You're really acting weird, Misaki. You're not like this."
"I guess I just got a little lonely… Seeing you like that with someone else… and doing the things that we used to do together. Makes me feel replaced, you know?" Misaki nuzzled against Saruhiko's neck as he whispered, "I still love you, you know that?"
"Misaki…"
"You feel the same, right? You just don't want to be unfair to him."
"…That's not it."
"Yes, that's how it is." Misaki leaned his forehead on Saruhiko's. "Just for tonight… Be completely honest with me… Please."
"Misaki…"
Misaki caressed Saruhiko's cheek and kissed him on the lips. They both instinctively closed their eyes; Misaki can fondly remember them doing the same when they shared their first kiss. He pulled Saruhiko closer, closer than they were these days, closer just like they were before.
His hands went to undo Saruhiko's buttons as he maintained the kiss. He felt himself smile a bit when Saruhiko's arms embraced him back and pulled him closer too if that was even possible, and Misaki was way too happy to feel this warm and familiar feeling.
Misaki slightly pulled away, resting his forehead on Saruhiko's just like he did earlier. "Saruhiko… I don't think I would be able to take it if I lose you again."
He noticed that his hands were slightly shaking as he helped Saruhiko remove his articles of clothing, and he probably looked both dumb and dumbfounded by seeing Saruhiko's beautiful skin again in its entirety after a very long time.
"Misaki… You're unfair. You should undress too."
"Yes, yes, I'm doing that right now." Misaki lightly pushed Saruhiko so that he would be lying on the couch. He promptly took off his shirt and everything else, silently asking himself if the eagerness was too evident in his actions.
"It's been a long time, Misaki… Just like before… lead the way?"
Misaki only smiled as a response and dipped down, kissing Saruhiko on the lips yet again. He carefully sucked on the latter's tongue, just enough for it to not hurt. He didn't want to hurt Saruhiko as possible, or if that can't be, he would like to cause as minimal pain as he can.
His hand started making way to Saruhiko's member and stroked it lightly, earning a gasp from the other. Their kiss broke and Misaki examined how Saruhiko looked under him.
Saruhiko was really beautiful, more beautiful than everybody else that he knew.
That night, they made love after a very long time, and Misaki was almost overwhelmed by the nostalgia and euphoria, a very odd combination.
He familiarized himself again with the parts that he hasn't touched for a long time, and for a moment, he made himself believe that Saruhiko was his again, that there was no tomorrow to worry about.
That they were never separated in the first place, that they never stopped loving each other, that they were simply doing something that they always do.
He loves Saruhiko too much that he himself thought that it wasn't even healthy anymore.
He also loved the feeling of being united with Saruhiko, he believed that it was the ultimate expression of love, something that he should rightfully do with no one else but Saruhiko.
He couldn't count how many kisses that they shared. He tried to fight himself, but he failed, as he wasn't able to stop himself from biting on Saruhiko's neck. He wanted to mark him, to convince himself that Saruhiko would always be his, despite the promise of never bothering him again.
That promise was too painful, and he wasn't sure if he would keep it.
"I love you." He tried to stop himself from saying that too, but evidently failed as well. "Saruhiko, I love you."
His words were answered by Saruhiko's pleased moans and whines, and Misaki thought that those sounds were the most erotic that he has heard. The words 'I love you' felt so natural on his tongue that he felt like he was created to say them, to tell them to no one but Saruhiko himself.
Saruhiko released, and he was shortly followed by Misaki. Misaki was briefly reminded of the fact that they were always mostly in sync, even back then. He remembered watching an educational show about long-time attraction: the couple needed to be almost in sync all the time, but not necessarily totally in sync.
Maybe that's why they were constantly attracted to each other.
Misaki wanted to know though: was Saruhiko feeling the same?
Misaki liked to believe that he was.
They cuddled afterwards, just like they always did before.
He wrapped his arms around Saruhiko tightly, aiming to create the feeling of letting go foreign again. Saruhiko was very important to him, too important even, and he wants to curse himself for even contemplating letting him go.
"Saruhiko… I'm really thankful for today." Misaki kissed Saruhiko's forehead. "Thanks for granting my request."
"Mmm…" Saruhiko hummed and leaned into his embrace. "It's only for today though… I'll leave tomorrow when I wake up…"
"Yes, of course, I understand." Misaki smiled and pulled him closer to his chest. "Are you going to sleep now?"
When he didn't hear Saruhiko respond anymore, Misaki took that as an already-good-enough answer. Saruhiko usually slept after they make love, and Misaki guessed that tonight was not an exception.
"Saru…" He whispered and kissed him lightly on the lips.
His hand slowly caressed Saruhiko's soft hair and he smiled as his hand trailed down to his face, lower…
Misaki snapped Saruhiko's neck, and he was rewarded with a satisfying crack. He pulled the latter closer to him again and spoke, "Okay… You can leave tomorrow if you wake up… Saruhiko."
I love you.