Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Lord of the Rings.

Cooking Chaos

Elladan looked around the kitchen and sighed. "How did we get stuck in here, again?" he sulked.

"You know perfectly well how," Elrohir said, turning to glare at his twin brother. "After all, it was your fault."

"My fault! What do you mean, 'my fault'? It was all your idea!"

Elrohir glared at Elladan. "Well, if you had been more careful and put the salt in Erestor's plate instead of Ada's, then we wouldn't be here!"

"But I never would have done it if you hadn't told me to!" Elladan crossed his arms and slumped against the table. "I don't see why he had to punish us like this, though. Couldn't he have just grounded us or something?"

"I think he found out about what we did last time he grounded us, Elladan." Elrohir surveyed the kitchen. "Anyway, we're stuck making supper, so we should probably get started."

Elladan rolled his eyes and stood up. "I suppose, but what are we going to make? There's Lembas and fruit around here somewhere…"

"Lembas for supper?" Elrohir wrinkled his nose in disgust. "We should find something real to eat. Besides, we should show that we at least tried."

"Yes, but what can we make? I've never cooked before."

Elrohir frowned and started rummaging through the shelves. "We could make soup. That doesn't sound too hard."

"Don't you think we should try a little harder than that?" asked Elladan skeptically.

"All right then, but I still think we should keep the soup. Salad and fruit?"

"Yes, soup, salad, fruit… And a roast pig."

Elrohir quickly stood up from searching a bottom shelf, banging his head on an open drawer. "A roast pig?" he asked skeptically, rubbing his head.

Elladan nodded. "Yes, that would definitely show some real ambition. Do we have a pig?"

Elrohir shrugged. "It was your idea." He pulled out a large pot and dropped it onto the floor with a loud thunk. "What should we put into the soup?"

"The soup was your idea, so you figure it out. Have you found a pig yet?"

"I don't think it would be on the shelf," Elrohir said as he pulled out an assortment of vegetables.

Elladan scowled. "Fine, then I'll just look for it myself." He started rummaging the various shelves and cabinets, and finally found the meats. "No pig," he announced, "but look at this." He pulled out a large duck, plucked and ready to cook.

"Not bad," Elrohir said with a smile. He had already laid out everything he thought was needed for the soup, including a large bucket of water. He hung the pot over the fire and sloshed the water in.

"Are you sure about this?" Elladan asked as Elrohir haphazardly chopped the vegetables into chunks. "Maybe we should trade or something."

"As if you could do any better," Elrohir scoffed. "Don't worry, soup can't possibly be that hard." He chopped into a tomato and splattered red juice across the kitchen. He frowned as Elladan burst into laughter. "Laugh if you want," he growled. "It's still better than you could ever do."

Elladan glared at Elrohir as he awkwardly pushed the duck onto the spit and placed it over the fire. The duck was suspended at a strange angle, but it seemed secure enough. Elladan brushed his hands together. "There, that's done."

Elrohir raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? That seemed a little too easy."

"No, that's the thing about roast duck. It seems like a difficult dish, so everyone's impressed when you make it, but in reality, it's just that simple." He smirked and turned back to the shelves. "So what should we drink tonight?"

"Water," Elrohir said, hacking away at an onion.

"Water? But that's so boring. We can have milk, or tea, or miruvor, or-"

"I get the point. Just find something." Elrohir gave a final hack at the onion, and a large chunk suddenly flew into the fire. He frowned, then, noticing that he was out of vegetables, he gathered up his pile of vegetable pieces and dropped them into the pot of water.

Meanwhile, Elladan scavenged the shelves, finally ending with a pile of drinks, flavorings and spices scattered on the counter. "How does this look?" he asked with a big grin.

Elrohir turned to look, and his eyes widened. "What is all that?"

"This, my friend, is tonight's drink," Elladan declared. "I simply mix these together, ending with a brand new drink that I shall call Elladanor."

Elrohir's eyebrows shot up. "Elladanor? Isn't that named after yourself?"

"Well, I'm the one inventing it."

"Have it your way, then," Elrohir said with a shrug. "Now your name will be forever connected with the failure that drink is bound to be."

Elladan pulled out a pitcher and began mixing his various ingredients into it. Elrohir ignored him as he threw together some leaves for the salad, then dumped some fruit into a bowl. "The salad and fruit's done," he said when he was done. He turned to look at Elladan's progress and his eyes widened. The pitcher was full of a greenish bubbling liquid, and now that he thought about it, it seemed to be giving off a sour smell. "What in Arda are you making!" he exclaimed.

Elladan looked up and grinned. "Elladanor, of course. It's almost done." He sloppily measured a brown spice into a spoon and poured it into the pitcher. The liquid started to foam. "I think it's a success," Elladan said.

Elrohir managed a slight nod. "Really."

Elladan nodded. He tapped his fingers against the table surface for a few seconds, then stopped. "I'm bored," he said.

"Bored?"

"Yes. There's nothing to do."

Elrohir grinned. "I can fix that." He grabbed a chunk of celery off of the floor and flung it across at Elladan. Elladan dodged to the side, then ran to the shelves. He pulled out the flour and began throwing handfuls of it at Elrohir. Elrohir countered with brown sugar.

The brown sugar ran out first, so Elrohir grabbed the next thing he could reach: a jar of molasses. He promptly ran over and dumped it over Elladan's head. Elladan dumped the rest of the flour over Elrohir and grabbed the syrup. Elrohir countered with a full basket of eggs, and Elladan countered this with the entire stock of preserves. It wasn't long before every scrap of food not need for supper had been used as a weapon.

Elrohir was the one left with the last available weapon, which happened to be a peach. "Surrender or die!" he shouted.

"Never!" said Elladan from his shelter behind the counter.

Elrohir flung the peach at Elladan. Elladan ducked, but he had no need to. The peach widely missed its target, instead smashing into the pitcher of Elladanor. Pieces of glass scattered across the kitchen, and the greenish liquid poured over the counter and onto the floor. Elladan growled at Elrohir. "Now look what you did!" He screamed.

"I'm sorry, but that happens in war."

"Yes, but what are they going to drink now!"

Elrohir didn't answer that. He turned away toward the fireplace, and the sight made him jump. A white foam was pouring over the sides of the pot, threatening to douse the fire. He ran over and pulled it off the hooks, forgetting to get a towel first. He screamed as it burned his hands, and dropped it on the edge of the fireplace. The pot promptly fell to its side, spilling it's boiling contents across the floor. Elrohir screamed again and jumped onto a chair. Elladan laughed as he watched, but that turned into a scream of his own as the soup reached his feet.

Both brothers stayed in their positions until they were completely satisfied that the floor was cool enough to step back down. Elladan sloshed over to Elrohir with a wide grin across his face. "It seems we're not having soup tonight after all."

Elrohir stared disconsolately at the floor where the salad lay in a soggy heap. "No salad, either," he said eventually. He looked around for some water, remembered that he had used it all for the soup, and sighed. His hands were nearly killing him.

"At least we still have the duck," Elladan said.

"Shouldn't you be checking on it?" Elrohir asked.

Elladan shrugged. "I don't think so, but I suppose…" he trailed off as he caught sight of his duck. It was hanging desperately from the spit. One side was charcoal black, and the other side was raw pink. Elladan ran over and grabbed the duck, throwing it onto the table before it could burn his hands.

Elrohir glanced it over. "The duck's ruined too," he said. He rubbed his hands together and winced. "Is there some milk?"

Elladan blinked. "Some milk? Why?"

"Just get me some," Elrohir said, looking down at his hands. They were already blistering.

Elladan handed him a glass of milk, and Elrohir just held it in his hands, letting its cold comfort his hands a little. "It looks like we're left without supper," he said at last.

Elladan sat down next to Elrohir on the table. "Not entirely. We still have the fruit," he said.

Elrohir shook his head. "That's not enough for supper," he said. "Just face it: we aren't going to be able to make supper. We still have all this mess to clean up, and it's almost time for supper by now. We don't have time to make anything."

"Not that we could," Elladan said. "At least this way they don't have to see our cooking."

Elrohir gave him a little smile. "Good point," he said. He looked at Elladan for a while, then grinned. "How does Lembas and water sound?"