Established Swan Queen fic.
Directly Inspired by the Trophy Wife pilot ep.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
"Thank you for coming in, Sheriff. The kids were really looking forward to your talk." Frederick placed a heavy hand on Emma's shoulder as he walked her out of the building. "Hopefully it'll sway them from venturing into the woods, at least until they're secure."
"Yeah. Regina's working with Blue and Tink to get the portal entry moved to a safer location. They're still working on logistics. I'm personally hoping it's placed in the church. That's manned... fairied? Manned... twenty-four seven. But Regina's pretty adamant about it being placed at City Hall. Something about people arriving from the Enchanted Forest needing to register?"
The sympathetic smile made Emma grin, Abigail and Regina had been talking non-stop about what would be the best thing for the town. "All she's been talking about too? Abbie has been arguing with Blue about it all week."
Nodding, Emma tugged her red jacket closed, zipping it up to keep the fall chill off her body. "Regina's blown out the main window in her office more than a few times from frustration. But Blue does that to people."
Frederick clapped a hand against her back, laughing at the image of the Saviour destroying an innocent toaster. "I've gotta get to practice, pretty sure it's gonna get snowed out."
Her attention was pulled away from the Prince when she spotted her son with a group of teenagers. "Yeah." Green-eyes narrowed in suspicion at the water bottle that was being passed around joyfully. "Tell Abigail not to forget about Friday night dinner."
"Sure thing, Sheriff." She was already walking towards the group without a care in the world for Frederick's reply.
"Hey! Henry. Whatcha doin'?" She plucked the water bottle from one of the boy's hands and unscrewed the top, raising it to her lips for a drink. "Thanks kid."
"No!" Henry shouted, eyes widening in horror as his mother made to take a drink.
Arching an eyebrow in amusement, Emma lowered the bottle and took a whiff. "Vodka? Really?" She capped the bottle and watched as the teens rushed off, leaving Henry to fend for himself with his mother. "Henry…"
"I wasn't going to drink it! I swear! Some of the guys just wanted to try it and it's in the liquor cabinet…" He shuffled uncomfortably, staring down at his feet in shame.
Emma dropped her head back and looked up at the sky with a grin on her lips. "Your mom… is going to kill you. We keep that cabinet unlocked because we trust you, Henry. Not so you can pour some in a water bottle and pass it off to your buddies."
"Mom… I really wasn't going to-"
"That's not the point, Henry. You stealing liquor is the point. You bringing it to school… god your mom is going to kill you…"
"Please don't tell her, mom… I won't ever do it again. It was stupid. I just wanted to… be cool and impress… Grace."
Glancing down at her son with a twinge of understanding, Emma cocked her head to the side. She watched the last boy dart off on his bicycle and sighed heavily. "Kid… your the son of the Evil Queen and the Savior. The grandson of Snow White, Prince Charming, the Dark One and the Queen of Hearts. You're the great-grandson of Peter Pan. You're the prince of like… three kingdoms. Heir to one and second in line for another. Seriously, doesn't get much more cool than that."
Henry's shoulders sagged in defeat and she flipped the water bottle, staring down at her son. "You do this again and you're going to be the one to tell your mother. You got me?"
His head snapped up fast enough to cause Emma a small amount of worry for his neck, but the hope there overruled that. "You're not gonna tell Mom?"
"As long as you promise to never do this again."
"I promise!" Diving forward, Henry wrapped his arms around Emma and squeezed her tight.
Squeezing her son back just as tight, the Savior felt a sense of dread fall over her when a voice ripped through the air. "Emma!" Closing her eyes, Emma groaned and released her son, turning to face her mother.
Henry's eyes widened in horror and he immediately turned to his mother. "Please don't let her-"
"Oh I don't know… you could do with the disappointed stare." Emma muttered and he shook his head violently. "Mom… please. Have you heard her disappointed grandma speeches? I'm still scarred from the last time I was on the receiving end."
She and Henry were both engulfed in a bone crushing hug by the smaller woman before Emma had a chance to respond, earning a groan from the duo. Emma grimaced when her head collided with Henry's and they both gave the other woman matching, nervous smiles.
"Mom."
"Grandma!"
It all happened in slow motion and adrenaline surged through Emma's system the moment Snow reached out to grab her water bottle. "Oh! Water! Mind if I-"
"No!" Emma gasped, pulling it away from reach. "Uh. No! You don't… need this."
"But I'm thirsty and I really don't want to have to walk back into the school for a water bottle… Eva and Ruthy should be out of school in a few minutes. We're taking them to Granny's."
Emma glanced towards her son and saw the look of desperation; she cursed whatever higher powers there were and spun the bottle cap off, lifting it to her lips. She inhaled deeply through her nose and quickly started chugging the warm liquor.
It burned and made her eyes water but she held her composure, thankful that at the very least it was good vodka.
Didn't stop the burning.
She didn't stop until the bottle was empty and crushed it between her hands, gasping and spluttering animatedly. "Oh… boy. That's good stuff. Great water… love it. Oh… god. Yep! Amazing! Rejuvenating!" She threw the empty bottle into the nearby trash, jumping up and down a few times. "Whoa. YEAH! Sorry, Mom! We gotta go! You know Regina hates it when we're late! Right, Henry?!" She swallowed heavily and regretted it the moment she did, getting a bitter aftertaste.
"Kid! You said you wanted to drive home, right? Practical learning for your driver's ed course?" Her hand came to rest on her teenaged son's shoulder and motioned for him to walk on, already starting to feel the alcohol on an empty stomach.
"That was so cool!" Henry breathed the moment they were out of earshot and away from Snow's bewildered gaze.
"You owe me. Big time." Emma groaned, swallowing back a liquor-belch. "Oh god… I'm going to be tanked by the time you get us home… driver's seat. Don't go over 25… make sure you're buckled in." She scrunched her face up. "The things I do for love."
She managed to keep from stumbling on her way to the passenger side door of her patrol car. She even managed to get into the car and close the door without incident.
Buckling her seatbelt took a few attempts, but dammit - there were four different buckles to try for.
"Key. Ignition." Henry muttered to himself as he followed through the steps he'd read in the manual. "Check blind spots." He looked around to make sure there weren't any cars or kids coming up before taking a deep breath and stepping gently on the gas. "Guide the car. Be one with the car."
The car ride ride was only an eight minute journey going the speed limit and factoring in stop signs. If Emma had been sober she would have complemented Henry on his smooth stops, but she was more focused on not distracting the driver on his first outing with her drunken thoughts. By the end of it Emma had her face pressed firmly against the glass, giggling and pointing at something that took her fancy.
"Oh... pretty. Hedges. I want to pet them." Emma opened the door just as Henry slowed to a stop and would have rolled out onto the pavement had it not been for the belt holding her in.
Henry gulped when he turned his head to see his mother dangling out and trying to stroke the ground with her fingertips. "It looks... so... I wanna touch." She made a groping motion, stretching and whining when the ground remained out of her grasp. "Hehe. I'm flying!" Emma flapped her arm and Henry groaned, jumping out of the car and hurrying around to help his mom.
It took him six minutes and a lot of head swatting before he could get Emma into a decent enough position to walk. "Just put your arm around my shoulder Mom, we'll get you inside..." He hoped against hope that his other mother was in the backyard tending to her apple tree.
"You're such a good boy, Henry." Emma was slurring now and Henry stumbled slightly when she turned into dead weight in his arms.
"Oh shit." He cursed and his knees nearly buckled. "Oh god. Ma! Help. Do you want Mom to catch us?!"
Her eyes lot up at the mention of the former Evil Queen. "Regginnnna! I want my Queen Queen." She stumbled and Henry grunted, tugging his mom's arm tight around his shoulders.
"Shhh! Don't let Mom hear you call her that!" He scolded and they slowly made their way towards the front door.
Emma erupted into a fit of giggles but gave her best go at a serious face. "Shush. Queen Queen is near."
Rolling his eyes and covered in sweat, Henry took the first step towards their front door before helping to heft his mom up next to him. "Oh god. Mom is gonna kill us both!" He grunted and struggled to get her safely up onto the last step.
"Noooo. Just make the face. The cute face. I'll make the cute face. She loves the cute face," Emma rambled and Henry turned them both, blindly trying to get the door open when she slouched against him, blocking his vision with a mess of blonde hair. "Henryyyy One. Henry Twoooo. I wanna a brownie."
When he finally managed to get the door unlatched, Emma fell onto the floor, her legs finally giving out. His grip slipped and he winced the moment her body thudded against the entryway floor. "Oh! Oh god! Mom! I'm sorry!" Henry stumbled forward and stood on either side of her hips before crouching down and slipping his arms under hers, wrapping them around her body before thinking better of it and dropping her back down.
"Owie… you're a meanie. You're a meanie, butt face. A big, meanie butt, meanie face," Emma whined, bringing a shaky hand to rest against her temples.
"I'm sorry! Just… hold on a sec. And be quiet." He warned before grabbing her by her feet and turning her body some so he could get her all the way into the house. "It would be nice if you could help out some, mom…"
"My toes dun wanna work." Emma sulked, crossing her arms over her chest as she was spun on the wood flooring.
Henry rolled his eyes and tried to close the door as quietly as possible, grimacing when it clicked shut. He waited a few seconds, listening for any sound of his far more sober mother before turning back to face Emma. It was only then that his eyes landed on four more steps he had to get her over. "Oh god. Mom's a sadist." He whispered and Emma lifted her head, pointing a single finger in his general direction.
"My Queen Queen is not a sadist." It came out in a complete slur and he could tell Emma was trying hard not to. "She enjoys some painy... thingies… too."
Eyes widening, Henry shoved his fingers in his ears. "No! Not another word!" He had to remember to keep his voice down but he stared down at Emma until she nodded, bottom lip jutting out in a pout. Freeing his ears, Henry moved around behind her and crouched down again. "Remember. Be quiet." He forced her to sit up some and wrapped his arms around her torso.
"Oh... too fast Henry Three." Emma groaned and a sudden wave of nausea hit her but she managed to keep from vomiting on the entry hall.
Grunting, Henry lifted his mother's upper body, the strength in his legs he'd built up from horseback riding for the last five years. It was a good fifteen minutes of slow stepping and setting Emma's dead weight down with every step before they were finally over the steps from hell. Henry grunted and started walking backwards, mindful of the placement of his feet. There was a creaky board that Emma was supposed to fix this weekend and he did not want to attract his mother to their current location.
"Okay… Mom… I'm gonna lay you down… and then I'm gonna drag you by your feet. Can you deal with that?" Emma nodded happily and he lowered her down, a groan escaping the teenager when she rolled onto her stomach and drew her fingertips slowly over the wooden floor.
"It's so shiny." Emma hummed, rubbing her cheek affectionately against the cool wood.
"God… there's no way I'm gonna hide this from Mom." Henry felt desperation settle in and he rushed to her feet, hitching them up onto either side of his hips. "There has to be something in the kitchen. Mom has lots of stuff in there." New energy bubbled up inside of him and he started towards the immaculate kitchen, dragging his mother after him.
A loud squeak came from behind him and Henry shot a glare over his shoulder, sighing when he realized that it was just Emma with her cheek pressed to the floor. "It's not as soft… as I thought… it would be" Emma grumbled and Henry grimaced.
"You're going to have a sore cheek if you keep that up!" Henry growled, freezing when he heard a chair being scooted back. "Oh no! Mom!" He looked around anxiously and quickly pulled Emma in through a doorway just as the door to his mother's office opened. He dropped to the floor and peered around the corner, unknowingly mirroring his mother's actions as she looked around the hall suspiciously.
Regina's eyes narrowed and she glanced up and down the hall, fireball in hand. "Henry? Emma?" She called out and Henry moved back, ever thankful for having worn jeans instead of shorts as he slid across the floor. He clamped a hand down on Emma's mouth, muffling her when she tried to reply to Regina's call.
Raising his index finger to his lips he shook his head and stared down at her with pleading eyes. Her own eyes widened and she nodded in drunken understanding, clamping her own hand over his mouth.
He rolled his eyes and settled for this until he was certain that his mother was back in her office, door closing behind her.
"You've gotta be quiet." Henry whispered once he managed to pry his mom's hand from his mouth. "Do you wanna sleep on the couch tonight?"
"N-" It was going to be far louder than he wanted so he dropped his hand back onto Emma's mouth, silencing her.
"SHH!"
He poked his head around the corner and sighed with relief when he realized that they hadn't drawn Regina out of her office again. Henry kicked off his shoes and stood up again, clutching his mom's booted feet.
"Be. Quiet." He reminded and Emma nodded in an overly dramatic fashion, pressing her fingers to her lips and trying not to laugh as she was dragged out of the room and into the hall
"The mighty Queen Queen is in there!" Emma hissed, pointing towards Regina's office as Henry dragged her passed. "In her natural habitat!" Henry froze halfway passed his mother's office door, jaw going slack, skin losing much of its color. "Here we can see her be-haviors such as reading, writing and marking the town hall's agenda. If we were a braver team we could wa-atch as she stalks her prey 'the Snow White,' the Queen Queen's methods are dangerous and do not result in a slow death. She likes to draw out her prey's paaaain." Somewhere along her drunken spiel Henry had dropped her feet and was simply staring down at her with a look of abject horror.
There was no preparing for the door flying open and a fireball coming into view; Henry was forever thankful for his mother's natural affinity with fire.
"And here we have the mighty Queen Queen, drawn from her lair-"
Regina looked between her son and her wife, making a fist to put the fire out. "Henry? Why is your mother on the floor?"
"-by the sound of her prey-"
"Uh… see… she was… teaching me to… lift… with… my legs? To carry… heavy weight around."
"Are you calling me fat?" Emma slurred, lifting her head up to look at her son with narrowed eyes.
"Are you drunk?" Regina growled, hands coming to rest on her hips with a look of disapproval clouding her face.
Wiping at the sweat dripping down his face Henry tried to force an innocent smile. "She's not drunk!"
If there was even a slim chance that his lie would pass, it was shattered by Emma's laughter and proud nodding. "Yesssss. Yes I am. In fact, I am shift-faced." She burst into fit of giggles and stretched on the floor, pointing up at Regina and looking towards Henry. "And here we can see the mighty Queen Queen assume the proper pose of the once feared Evil Queen."
"Emma." Her teeth were clenched and had Emma been in a sober state of mind she probably would have trembled somewhat.
"Reggie." Emma countered, smiling drunkenly up at her wife with unfocused eyes.
An eye twitched followed that single word and Henry gulped, gathering up every ounce of courage he had in his body. "She's drunk because of me!"
"Hennnnnry Fouurrrr… that's supposed to be a shoosh. On the downlow… low-keyyyyyy."
Regina ignored her wife entirely and rounded on her son, stepping over the inebriated woman on the floor. "What?"
"I stole vodka and put it into a water bottle." The vein was starting to show on his mother's forehead and he gulped, plowing on. "It wasn't for me! It was for my friends! And… Emma caught me! And she gave me a stern talking to! She really did!" Her hands were smoking. "And… and Grandma came up and wanted to drink it because she thought it was water! And you know Grandma's disappointment lectures! They're bad! You've had them before!" He could have sworn he saw a small hint of understanding in her enraged, dark eyes. "And… Mom hates those lectures too. And… she… kinda chugged it."
"You make me sound heroic! I like you Henry Two." Emma grinned and rolled onto her stomach, immediately groaning and rolling again, stopping on her side. "Oh… oh god… too fast again." She brought her knees up to her chest and shuddered, trying to with all her might to keep from losing her stomach on the freshly waxed floor.
Jaw clenching and unclenching, Regina tried to keep her words cool and calm. "Go to your room, Henry. We will discuss this later."
He glanced down at Emma who only groaned, head resting against the wood in attempt to cool down. "But… Mom."
"Go. To. Your. Room."
"Mom-"
"Grounded! Room! Now, young man! We will be discussing your punishment for stealing later."
His shoulders slumped in defeat and he nodded his head, turning and heading for the stairs. Regina watched him walk up the stairs and waited patiently for the door to close before turning on her heel and looking down at Emma. "You… are an idiot." She sighed and shook her head, nothing the woman with the toe of her new Prada boots. "What am I going to do with you, dear?" Regina slowly dropped down to her knees and gently rolled Emma onto her back, hand coming to rest against her heated cheek.
Emma greeted her with an excited, dorky smile. "Reggieeeee."
A laugh escaped Regina and she shook her head in amusement. "Desist in your horrid nicknames, dear."
"Queen Queen!"
"That's a no-no nickname, dear."
"Butttttt I like it." Emma hummed and brought her hand up, attempting to pat Regina's knee. She missed several times and settled for patting her breast instead. "You have… 10 boobs."
"Have you eaten?"
"Pffffft. Me? Eat? Before drinking? Pft. Pft! You know meeee."
"Yes, I do. You're a complete and utter idiot." Emma nodded with a look of pride, nose scrunching up adorably. "Alright. Let's get you somewhere where I can watch you… and get some food into you, dear. You're in for a rough weekend."
A wave of her hand had Emma on the couch in her office with a cool cloth on her forehead and a lined trash can at her side. "You stay on that couch and I'll bring you back something to eat."
"As the mighty Queen Queen commands!" The thud of Emma hitting her office floor reached her ears and Regina sighed, eyes fluttering shut in a moment of frustration. "The couch moved! I prommmise!"
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Regina turned and made her way towards the sanctity and sanity of her kitchen, fully intent on making something to soak up the alcohol in Emma's system.