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This story will feature characters from the GBA Games Fire emblem, and Fire emblem the sacred stones. The only two Fire emblem games that I have played, and also the two games that made me love the series. My stories will be mostly humorous of course. I tend not to like reading anything of a serious nature, and that will be expressed profoundly throughout my story telling. I am a novice story writer, which means I am no good at this, so please don't base your reviews or criticisms from a professional point of view. Keep in mind also that I don't wish to take story writing too seriously, I am merely using Fan-Fiction as a way to express my love for the series Fire Emblem and its characters, and I happen to be interested in entertaining people with my ideas.
So, please show your support as I conjure up a story right on the spot, off the top of my head.
Oh and for those of you who don't remember me, I'm actually Darkness-Aura. I've written a story for Fire Emblem before called Fire Insanity, and I know quite a few people loved it. Its too bad I cant continue it, because I forgot my account info completely...very sorry about that, I regret it. I'll try to make you guys laugh with this new story. Its not too much better then my old stories.
Chapter one: Reality tends to get the best of you
Characters featured: Eirika, Seth, Ephraim, miscellaneous characters
What happens when you apply reality to fantasy? Take anime for instance. Where all the girls dresses fly right up on purpose, and somewhere out there your true love lives right next door. We all know that the girls and the boys portrayed in such'cartoons' are never realistically possible. Especially when a girls chest is so big you sometimes wonder why she hasn't died in a freak accident yet because she couldn't see past em'. Of course we all know that anime tends to be outrageous and highly unrealistic, but that's obviously why so many people like it. So what happens in Fire Emblem world when our two favorite aristocrats Ephraim and Erika decide to ponder upon the questions of their world and their existence? Well, hilarity of course. This story will take place in times of peace.
It was a quiet morning, our scene opens with a beautiful Eirika resting in her queen sized bed, the sunlight just barely beginning to shine at the nape of her neck. The scene was beautiful, as beautiful as our main character. Little did we know however, Eirika was not resting peacefully. Lately her dreams have been filled with questions that she felt weren't even hers.
"Why is my hair blue? I mean seriously...why...its inconvenient! People cant tell the difference between my hair and the water, so when I swim so they think I'm bald! Doesn't Ephraim have these troubles?? His hair is blue too! Dammit! Its too out of the ordinary...why doesn't anyone question this?"
"Why are there so many perfect people out there? I mean...even a local villager could be an idol?? Was this intentional by our great creators? And then there are those 'uglier types'...I can't even remember the guy who fed me when I was in trouble on the mountains ! What kind of crap is that?? Actually I can't seem to remember anyone who wasn't pretty or handsome..."
"Why am I asking these questions? Isn't this normal? I've no reason to question these perfectly acceptable things...and yet... I feel like...the life I'm living is a lie! A perverted fairy tale!"
She threw her sheets off and sat upright dazed, she wasn't a morning person. It wasn't cold but her pajamas were thin so it was a little chilly. She walked outside onto the balcony near her room to enjoy the view from her castle. However, what came into view was disturbing.
"What the?! Is that....is that one of those weird eyeball monsters on my lawn?! Its having...intercourse with another eyeball! Oh my lord...! Its hideous! Yet...I cant look away!" Her eyes widened. She stood on the balcony hypnotized for 5 minutes, then the monsters stopped humping each other, which was baffling her because she couldn't fathom how they did anything. What happened next surprised her, they grabbed a tea table and set it down right on her lawn, sipping some tea near her lake.
"...." She face palmed. Yet it occurred to her that there were monsters on her lawn! These were spawn of the demon king! Could he have come back?! She rushed out into her yard and confronted the beasts- in her pajamas, and with a bat in hand. The bat was something she had randomly acquired. The beasts turned their eyes to her, showing no signs of interest.
"Beasts!" She called. "You are trespassing on my property, do you realize who I am?!"
"Stfu." The eyeball somehow manages to eat a crumpet.
"Huh?" Eirika was taken aback by the sudden order.
"Yeah, stfu, we are sipping tea and having a good time." The eyeball sips some more tea.
"Wha-? You are trespassing on my property, and you dare claim ignorance?!" she raises her bat to them.
"Put a cap on it you stuck up princess, the game is over anyway." The eyeball shooed her with his tentacle and returned to his tea.
"The game...?" This confused her greatly, she lowered her bat for a moment.
"Yeah, you know, the game called Fire Emblem: The sacred Stones." The one eye creature with the hair on its 'head' gestured this somehow obvious fact to her with its tentacle.
"....I know what you speak of, the stones...but...a game? What are you saying?" She wanted to know more, maybe there was a connection to the questions she has had racing through her mind lately at night.
The two creatures looked at her and proceeded to jeer at her, laughing their non-existent asses off.
"Oh my god! Shes this stupid?!! Ah ha ha ha!"
"How did she even defeat our master anyway?? This is priceless!"
This infuriated the princess, she would not be made a fool of by these creatures! So she raised her bat in anger and smashed the tea table. Feeling satisfied, she looked up to see the reaction of the two creatures.
"Hmm, wait for it." The table reappeared good as new. The creatures proceeded to ignore her and sip their tea, which looked like strawberry zinger. Eirika screeched.
"What sorcery is this?!" she smashed it again, and it came back again. So she smashed it again, and yet again, but it continued to re-materialize as good as new. Her eyes widened.
"I'm warning you fiends, I have one of the greatest weapons in all the continent! You think it wise to oppose me?!" Eirika puffed out her chest and stood tall, trying to intimidate them.
The eyeballs shrugged, then one of them whispered to the other and nodded in agreement.
"How about we show you something nice? Surely after you see this your attitude will change quickly, ignorant girl." Eirika was suspicious, yet curious. "How do I know this isn't a trick?"
"Don't worry, we will show you with one of our fine china."
The eyeball picked up one of their plates, and held it up in front of Eirika, soon an image appeared on the plate. A man hunched over a piece of paper was drawing out people who were familiar to her. There were so many textures and sights she couldn't understand! She compared her hand to his and couldn't see a single blemish, but on his there were many blisters and ridges and shapes, and...hair? The 3 dimensional nature of the image scared her.
What she saw next surprised her even more, he was drawing her doing goofy things! From picking up large objects impossible for her to lift, to smooching a frog with a small crown on its head! She had many questions.
"W...what is this? What am I seeing?" Her voice was uneven.
"You mean this? This is the reality of our existence, we are but figments of a mans imagination! You have wasted your life living a lie!" The eyeball grabbed its non-existent belly and laughed with its 'girlfriend' eyeball.
She grabbed her head in great difficulty "L-Lies! Liars! You are deceiving me! This isn't possible! This must be a trick!" She brandished her bat ready to kill them. The eyeballs didn't look scared. One of them raised a tentacle to her forehead, and flicked her. She went flying onto her butt a few feet away. She was baffled.
"How can this be? I'm supposed to be stronger then you!" She pointed at them and started to sweat heavily with fear, realizing that the situation was no longer in her control.
"Chill out chick, we were only supposed to lose to you during the game, but now that its over we could care less about you." The eyeballs laughed at Erika's disgraceful display.
"Hey baby, we should show her some excellent proof!" The 'girlfriend' eyeball nudged the other one. "Hm? Oh you mean the demon king?" The eyeball with the hair scratched his head.
Eirika was horrified, what was going on? Where were her guards?! Where was Seth? Ephraim? The demon king?? This was a nightmare! The eyeballs called out for their master by dancing in weird and erotic ways. Then in a sudden burst of energy, he appeared...but not in such graceful way. He was taking a shower in human form, and just as he realized what had happened, he slipped on some soap. He took one look at his surroundings and understood what had happened.
"Dammit! What the hell, man?! I was taking a shower?! How many times have I told you idiots not to summon me like that, what if I died?!" He turned off the water, suds were covering his wiener if you wanted to know.
"We would have to revive you, I'm afraid." An eyeball replied.
Eirika shot up onto her feet, somewhat disoriented, stepping closer to the disturbing scene.
"Wai- Wait! This cant be possible! My army...we defeated you! How is it that you are still alive?" Erika was looking ready to fight him.
"Hmm?" The naked king turned towards Eirika, she blushed and looked away, but he didn't seem to care much for her modesty or covering up. "Oh, you are that girl I fought back then. Good job back there, but I sorta thought you were taking it a little too seriously..."
"That's because she doesn't know the truth, boss." said one of the eyeballs.
"Did you show her the plate?" he rubbed his chin and examined the blue haired girl as if she were his patient.
"She thinks we are liars." The eyeball shrugged at the matter.
"Hmm...Pity. Well, lets not trouble this girl any further. I'm not interested in her denial of reality, we'll simply let her figure it out herself. Come! We have business at my beer bar." The king stood up, turned around and flashed Erika with his fantastic buttocks, then disappeared with a puff of smoke.
"Yes sir!" The eye balls attempted the same poofing act, but failed miserably and had to run away, leaving poor Eirika to deal with the previous events herself. The first thing she did was scramble to her feet and run towards the castleyelling for her brother. Many questions ran through her mind, threatening her sanity and reasoning for keeping said sanity.
…............
Ephraim was enjoying himself at the moment though, completely unaware of what his sister had experienced. He was sitting at his kingly throne, enjoying erotic dancers he had hired a few days back. Seth was at his side, embarrassed at the sight of the scantily clad women shaking their stuff for them.
"Uh sir..." Seth began, "I didn't know you were such a player..."
Ephraim gawked at Seth, baffled. "Wha-?! Dude! Sexy women dancing for you is a mans dream! How dare you!" Ephraim slaps Seth across the face.
"Ouch! I didn't deserve that!" Seth rubbed his face to soothe the pain.
"As the prince/king of this castle, everything I do is assumed just cause! Suffer!"
"Spfffttttt." Seth scoffed, and as he put an ice bag to his face, Eirika came bursting into Ephraim s' chambers, looking scared and lost.
"Oh my god Eirika! How many times have I told you not to burst in during my manly time?!" The many dancing women stopped dancing, some of them were trying to feel up on each other for extra money. Erika stood there speechless.
"...Brother, I had no idea....you were such...such a lecher!" She was blushing.
"Spft. Don't be silly Eirika, I know of your many embarrassing secrets, like that one time you tried to flash yourself to that Lyon guy in hopes of-"
"Shut up! I thought you promised never to mention that!" Eirika threw the bat at him, embarrassed. Ephraim ducked just in time.
Seth looked amused, "Wow my lady, you must have been desperate for this man?" Eirika threw something at him too, it looked like one of the girls pouches for carrying coin, which upon noticing caused the owner to screech.
"Just shut up!" Eirika stepped up to the throne. "Brother! There are more important matters to attend to! The Demon king is back!" The room filled with silence. Ephraim sat back a moment, then as if a sudden realization had hit him, his reply came.
"So...?" Eirika was shocked. "What do you mean so?! Its the demon king brother!!! Don't you realize what this means?? We have to fight him! We have to kick his ass!" Ephraim was amused, his sister was cussing now. "Oh, what is this? My beautiful sister has lowered herself to dirtying the English language so easily?" Eirika was taken aback for a moment.
"I...I don't know why I said that..." she looked at her hands thinking she had lost her mind. Ephraim got up from his 'dutiful' throne and wrapped an arm around her neck. "Listen my little sister, the answer to all of this is quite obvious! I too have pondered these things."
"What?!" She removed herself from his embrace. "You knew!? Why haven't you done anything about it?!" Ephraim chuckled. "There is nothing to be done, little sister. He's no threat to us."
Eirika was starting to get nervous.
"What do you mean there isn't anything to be done? Has he not killed hundred's of thousands?! Has he not taken my precious friend Lyon from us? Has he not destroyed the sacred stones?! Has he not troubled us all greatly?!" Eirika was furious at her brother, but his reply was also as nonchalant as the last.
"Ha~! You silly girl! Hey Seth, are you hearing this?" Seth nodded smiling, Eirika took notice and pointed at the red haired paladin.
"Seth! Whats the matter with you, have you gone mad as well!? What happened to being loyal and true?!" Seth took the question as if something silly had just been asked of him.
"Hm! Let me explain, my lady. Its quite simply the truth. We are but manifests of a mans imagination, we live in but a fantasy realm. Everyone and everything destroyed and killed, has never really died and has never really disappeared! As in a video game everything is merely for fun! We are other peoples play things, we are their puppets! Heck, if I wanted to take you right now someone could manipulate you to enjoy it! Like some really bad hentai manga. It's useless to live in ignorance! So why not let loose and enjoy our pathetic lives?" Ephraim clapped.
"Well put my trusted paladin. So sister, what say you? Are you going to continue this nonsense, or accept the truth?" Eirika looked like she had witnessed something horrible, at a loss for words.
"I-...I don't understand, what has come over you two? Is this true for everyone?" Ephraim chuckled again. "Of course it is, sister. Hey, why don't you ask your boyfriend?" Eirika's heart skipped a beat. Lyon?? Could he really be alive! This was too cruel...and yet? If it were true, what would she do?
"Oh, but he isn't here you see." Ephraim decided to add. "He will come visit soon though, so don't go rushing off into the night like I figured you might. He too has also accepted the truth, the Lyon you knew was merely an act, while you however remained the same. I don't think he will want to see you like this!" Erika thought on this point, what if Lyon had really changed?! What if he doesn't like her? The thought scared her to death, and yet what confused and even tore at her sanity more was the fact that she was merely another mans creation, a toy! Her head was spinning. She wanted to know more.
"How did you find out about this...truth?" Ephraim sat back down and told the ladies to continue dancing, probably expecting Erika to leave soon and lose her mind elsewhere. "Oh, well that is easy. As soon as I started seeing my dead comrades coming back and acting like they were finished doing some sort of play. Seth and I inquired until we learned the truth from them. Oh how stupid we felt! Of course word spread quickly, just about everyone knows about this now. The only reason you did not however is because we thought it'd be funny to let you find out the hard way...and actually..." Ephraim started digging in his pocket and pulled out a camera.
"We have you freaking out at those eyeballs having sex on the lawn earlier! It was priceless! Ha ha!" Ephraim and Seth began to laugh heartily. Furious, Eirika left angrily and sifted through all the dancing ladies, confused and disgusted. But even more, feeling like the person she once knew herself as slowly slipping away into the insanity her brother and Seth had already accepted. What would happen to her? Before she could leave, her brother called out to her once more.
"Oh yeah Erika, you might wanna tell me why you are still wearing your Pajamas?" Eirika stopped for a moment, then yelled that she didn't care. Ephraim shrugged. "Hey, why not?" Ephraim looked at Seth and smiled as Eirika left into the world with no rules.
…..................
Eirika had went to bed without any meals and denied any requests to enter her chamber. She was busy juggling the things she had learned that same day and what it meant for her. No matter what she did, she could not make any sense of it. Why was everyone acting so crazy and careless? Is Ephraim even her brother? What is she going to do now? Do any rules still apply in this world? She looked outside her window that same night to check on the villagers, and they were partying. There didn't even seem to be a single soul acting normal anymore, its almost as if as soon as their adventure had come to a close everyone suddenly decided that their new life had begun. The thoughts swirling around in her head were driving her crazy. She had finally snapped when she fell asleep that night.
….................
The next morning was yet another beautiful one. The sun was just barely shining at the foot of Erika's bed, when she suddenly decided to jump out of it in nothing but a shirt and undergarments. Her head was spinning. "Aw...! Man, I shouldn't of done that, but I had to..." She turned back around to feel around her rather large bed. "Where the hell is it... I know its here." She grabbed the underside of the bed and flipped it over the side. There was nothing.
"Pft. The creature must of escaped." She opened the door and walked out just the way she was. She took a look around, a few attendants stopped to stare, and then one of Ephraim trusted companions Forde came walking along.
"Oh, what do we have here? Has our princess suddenly decided that her dignity was worth nothing more then a bit of soil?" Forde poked her belly to tease her, she didn't seem phased.
"Hmm? Oh hi. Has you seen my....mm.." She paused to check her pockets, but she had none, so she decided it could only be in her underwear, so she started feeling around for something.
Forde watched amazed, then it occurred to him that something was different. (Geez you think?)
"Uh princess...are you okay?" He placed a hand on her shoulder... Suddenly she pulled out a huge mallet from her panties!
"Whoa what the hell!?" Forde raised his hands in surrender, but she pounded him into the ground and made sure he was flattened.
"Dude! Don't be touching my freaking egg shells, I was going to plant chickens in there so I can give the roosters a new home. Don't mess with me man!"
Eirika proceeded to skip down the hallway carrying the large hammer. Forde never knew what hit him. It was at that moment that Kyle had found his boon companion lieing down on the floor, apparently knocked out or suffering from a concussion. He keeled down to his buddies face.
"You tried to get in her pants didn't you? Tsk Tsk" Kyle shook his head. Should have warned you that just the other day she had discovered the truth we all know so very well. I have a feeling that things are going to get much crazier around here...." He picked up his buddy and carried him into the next room, where he proceeded to rape him, the sound of the one sided gay love could be heard all throughout the kingdom.
End Chapter One.
Well, I do hope that this has been and interesting read. For those of you who remember me, please try to suggest anything to me that I can do to make it funnier, maybe my writing style or what I make the characters do. I will be switching between them and putting them in various hilarious situations as the story progresses, and it will continue to get more chaotic in an effort to express a world of Fire emblem gone crazy.