Oneshot written because almost everybody I know is unhappy with the current season of SVU for one reason or another. Put in the strange realm where the characters and actors exist in the same universe. I don't know if Dick Wolf is in charge of the show or not anymore, I heard some rumors and I'm too lazy to find out what's real and what's not. Also, I haven't watched a full episode since 2011. When I see Casey's not in it, I change the channel now. Enjoy! Not CO, for once, because I know that very few people are sad that Casey and Olivia aren't kissing in every other scene.
John, Fin, Melinda, Casey, and Alex all walked purposefully into the the expensive office building, all intent on finding Dick Wolf and kicking his ass.
Obscurity, really, was the word that had all five of them pissed.
All five of them had once been stars on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. They'd all had their fifteen minutes of fame episodes and all had their few episodes of five minute appearances. In the world of SVU, it was Olivia Benson and whoever was most closely associated with her that got all the screen time. All right, a little annoying, but it wasn't too drastic. After all, Olivia's stardom was nicely balanced with the other main character's and it was fine. Nothing like other hit TV shows, where if you were in the opening sequence, you had a main role in almost every episode, but… they could deal with it.
But this latest season had simply gone too far.
In the agonizingly long elevator ride to the top floor, Alex said, "You guys, maybe we're overreacting. Maybe we shouldn't go up there and harass-"
"Quiet, Miss I starred in January and had a sexy ice-skating scene with Olivia. He's been nicest to you and Melinda all season. It's me, Fin, and John who really deserve to be here. Even Amanda, to some extent, but she's not here. If you want to leave, it's your choice," Casey snapped, crossing her arms and turning to glare at the elevator doors.
"Yeah, but remember, it's April. Your last episode was January," Melinda taunted.
"What did I say about leaving? I'm sorry, it's just my lack of courtroom time must have softened me up. Let's kick some ass!"
Everyone cheered when the doors finally opened and they rushed towards Dick Wolf's office, barreling straight past- and knocking over his secretary, Kim Greyleck, and burst into his office. "Hey! Dick Wolf! We want a word with you!"
Dick Wolf looked up at the five people standing furiously in front of his desk in confusion. "Do I know you?" he finally asked.
John threw his hands up angrily and shook his head. "See? He doesn't even know us! I've been on the show since the first episode and he doesn't even know me!"
"Yeah," Fin muttered under his breath, shaking his head. "I bet if Olivia walked in through this doors with that David Hayden guy, he'd shower them with flowers and money to get him to stay with the show. Dumbass!"
"Look, Dick Wolf," Alex continued, "we're here to talk to you about SVU: season 13. Specifically, our characters."
"Oh, now I recognize you!" he cried, snapping his fingers. "You guys are extras on the set, right?"
"No!" Casey shouted amid the uproar his comment caused. "We are not extras! We're stars of the show! The ratings of that show are getting lower and lower, Dick, and you know why?"
Dick waved his hand dismissively and said, "Oh, that's just because Elliot Stabler left. They'll pick up soon enough."
Melinda shouted, "No! They're not! Maybe in the beginning, they were, but not anymore! Whoever the script writers are for this season are awful, and you, sitting up here, making all these big, important, and just plain stupid decisions are what is causing them to go down!"
"Awful script? What are you talking about? My scripts are all wonderful!"
"No," Fin said simply, "they're not. First, this whole thing with David Hayden? Olivia can have a relationship, fine, whatever. But this show is not about romance. You saw what happened to House after they put two main characters together, and they were actually adept at throwing some romance in there between the stars! You're only good at putting some chemistry and sexual tension in there. At actual relationships, you're worse than John here. A reference you wouldn't get since you seem to think he's an extra!"
"As Fin said, this show is supposed to focus on the vile nature of sex crimes and show how it affects the detectives involved. Maybe a scene of Amanda on a date and how it affects here then, sure, that's fine, goes right along with the plot of the show. But a series of episodes with sex crimes and a seemingly unconnected fling with the star and the EADA? Unneeded!"
"Especially," Casey said when Alex finished, "because as long as he's there, neither I nor Alex get any screen time! What was the point of advertising our return, exactly, if we're never in any episodes? By my count, I've had three episodes. Three! Alex hasn't had many more than that. You know, we're both very popular characters. Removing us from the opening sequence wasn't a smart idea. Talk to the fans! They all like how the ADAs used to be considered part of the squad and they loved the interaction between them. Putting them on as special guest stars? Just… what the hell?"
Melinda nodded in fierce agreement. "And me, too! Why take me off the opening sequence? I've been on and off it for years, but it's not like my role has changed! Why throw me on there as a special guest star? What purpose does that serve, besides helping to kill the ratings?"
Dick Wolf sighed, rolling his eyes and leaning forward on his desk. "All right, all right. I get why you three are angry. But what about you two? Fin and… and…"
"Munch!" John cried in exasperation.
"Munch, right! Well, why are you two angry? You're still on the opening sequence, right?"
Fin groaned, beginning to pace around the office. "Yeah, and that's all. You know, we're both pretty amazing characters. You could do a lot with us. But, as always, we don't get enough lines to even make a dent on the fact that it is now dominated by Olivia, Nick, David, and sometimes Cragen and Amanda. And that's not just true for this season. But now, it's ridiculous, without the ADAs or medical examiner there to take up some of the air time. You fill up all that time when one of us could be on screen is now just David and Olivia sex and romance."
"Point is, Dick Wolf," John said coldly, "The show isn't terrible because Elliot and George left and Nick and Amanda came on. Yeah, we all miss Elliot, but that's not why the show has become so bad. Take a hint from all the other successful crime dramas. NCIS, for example."
Casey nodded vigorously. "Yes, that's perfect! No romance, just a lot of chemistry between the main characters. Perfect balance of investigating the cases as well as everyone's personal lives. And if they're in the opening sequence, then they are in almost every episode. They don't randomly bump characters, either, like you did to me and Alex. If you were running that show, Abby and Ducky would be special guest stars and pop up in every ten episodes or so. And you know what? Ratings would go down! It doesn't take a genius to figure out that reducing some of the most popular characters' screen time to practically none will make people angry!"
"Not to mention you made such a big deal about bringing us back! 'SVU says farewell to Chris Meloni and hello again to Stephanie March and Diane Neal' was popping up everywhere on online and the response to the ADAs? Almost completely positive! And not just 'well, that's nice.' No, it was more like, 'Oh my god, yes! I can't believe it, they're finally bringing Alex/Casey back! I love her! OMG, I am so definitely going to watch now!' And then what do you do? Piss of EO fans by pairing Olivia up with David, never put me or Casey on TV… god, how stupid are you?"
Dick Wolf got to his feet and exclaimed, "You know what, I'd like to see you do my job! All you do is read a script! Let's see you manage SVU!"
"Yeah? You know what we'd do?" Alex shouted in response.
"Erase this whole ungodly season and damn it to hell, and start fresh! Go back to the model set up in season five or six, a healthy balance of investigating cases and showing some of the detectives' personal lives! Some time in the courtroom, with Alex or me in alternating episodes!"
"Add a backstory! Explain why, suddenly, SVU has two ADAs, both of which never seem to be needed in your horrific version! Then give me and my partner here some lines!"
"Put all the stars in the opening sequence! Olivia, Nick, Amanda, and them, but me, Casey, and Alex, too! And the most important thing? Listen. To. Your. Fans."
"Yeah, Dick Wolf, we know that most of the season was filmed before the first episode aired. So we're not asking that you film each episode based off the reaction to last week's episode. But you could be a little smart and say to yourself, 'hey, the fans look really excited to have Casey and Alex back! Hmm, I'll give them some screen time. I'll throw them both in the courtroom and show them off and let them star again. I also won't lie about how long David Hayden will be gueststarring. I won't say four episodes, then continue it for however long I want."
"You know what else we do, if we ran this show?" Fin snapped. "We'd look at other successful shows. They are successful because they managed to maintain what the show was founded on, whether it was a medical drama, a crime drama, or whatever, and keep it the main plot of the show without it getting too boring and predictable- which you failed at years ago- and add some friendship, chemistry, and personal interactions in the mix."
John smiled wickedly and turned on Dick Wolf. "Now it's my turn- let's see what you've done. Ignored your fans, ignored the show's basis on sex crimes and not romance, hired bad script writers, and, it seems, lost your mind."
"All together now, everybody- and all those fans out there, join in," Alex said, "Dick Wolf, stop being an idiot!