SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne
Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, Red Dwarf and other properties belong to their respective owners.
Note: This is a multi-genre story.
Special Note: This story will be short (almost like an "omake") that will "sample" each series (as opposed to "season") of the "Red Dwarf" program. Thus, there will be eight chapters, plus the movie tie-in (called "Red Dwarf: Back to Earth"). Think of this story as either a "best of" story…or really, REALLY lazy writing. C&C are welcomed.
Addendum Note: On second thought, why am I writing this thing, since I have very little talent in humor? Oh, well. Just enjoy the ride, 'cuz I'm writing this thing half-asleep anyway…
Part 1
3 Million CE.
This is an SOS 'distress call' from the mining ship 'SS Red Dwarf'. The crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Third Technician David Lister, who had been placed in suspended animation prior to the accident, and his pregnant cat, which had been safely sealed away in a containment hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions is a life form that evolved from his cat, Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer, a holographic simulation of one of the dead crewmembers, and a self-proclaimed "goddess" named Usagi Tsukino. I am "Holly", the ship's computer with the IQ of 6000, the same IQ of 6000 PE teachers. End: transmission.
Somewhere beyond the rim, past the rainbow, beyond the restaurant at the end of the universe, and beyond the farthest star to right, a meeting was taking place…
"Serena, you already left your old life," Serenity said, as she admonished her daughter. "And besides, Earth is no more."
"Mother, just because YOU gave up, that doesn't mean that I should give up," Serena said. "And besides, being immortal is boring; being an immortal whose body looks like something KISS would create at some rock show is even MORE boring. And Ranma is out there insane."
"Well, I do not think that pretending to be a woman is insane."
"Ranma thinks she's his OWN daughter. No, I shouldn't have left the Universe when I did, but I did. Okay? And I regretted it. Okay? And Ranma is out there. Okay?"
"Okay, I GET it, my daughter," Serenity replied. But you will have to realize that humanity as we know it…is gone."
"Yes, as WE know it. But there is a human below us, and he'll help me find Ranma."
"And why would that human help you do anything?"
"Well…it's in the human capacity to show kindness."
"Okay…"
"And…if that human is male, I can show him a little leg or something."
"Fine, but what if the human is female?"
"Well, then, it'll be just like it was when I went off to college. Heh."
"…"
"But, I'll need this human's help, if I am to find my Ranma again. At the very least, I want to set him straight, because, as he is now, he's anything but."
"So be it. But know that you will not be alone. Your legacy is out there, as you well know, which could complicate matters."
"I know that, Mother. In fact, some of my children are not even human anymore…"
Pause.
"But I'll keep that in mind when I go below."
"Please do, my darling daughter. Your happiness depends on it…"
Serena takes a look at the Universe below here. In fact, there were many universes (or "multi-verse") that she could see. And within those planes were an infinite number of timelines, from the possible to the improbable; what could have been…is, what should be…isn't. Nevertheless, Serena chose one particular Universe, containing the prime Earth (called "Earth-Zero") as a starting point for the search of her beloved Ranma.
"Yah-TAH!" Serena cried out, as she leaped into the unknown. Technically, she could easily put an entire universe in the palm of her hand, given her present state, so she will need to leave behind her cosmic form while becoming her own avatar. As she does, Serena begins to both shrink in size as well as assume corporeal form. She could feel her energy being converted into atom, while her atoms become molecules. Her molecules become amino acids, while those amino acids congeal into cells. Already, Serena begins to feel the dulling of her cosmic awareness, since being non-corporeal does not restrict such things involving the Mind.
When the process was over, Serena, now Usagi, realized that she was humanoid again…in deep space…nude…without a pressure suit.
'Ack!' Usagi thought, as she realized her error. She wasn't prepared for the shift into the corporeal world, which is why she was on the verge of suffocating.
Quickly, Usagi looks around to see a red, hulking space ship, which seemed to move like the behemoth it appeared to be. Using the last bit of her excess energy, Usagi heads for that ship…
"I can't believe everyone is dead," said a beige-skinned man of biracial descent, as he and a dusky-skinned, sharply dressed "catman" roamed the halls.
"Well, believe it, friend," said the catman. He then suddenly stops.
"Most curious," than catman said, as he looked at vending machine.
"Cat, what is it?" asked his companion.
"Just a moment, Dave," the catman said, as he begins to groom himself. "I want to make sure that I look good."
"Okay, so what is the problem?"
"Oh, nothing. I just spotted an imperfection on yours truly in my reflection that machine over there, so I corrected it."
"…"
"But, as you were saying…?"
"I'm saying that everyone is dead, and I only have you and Holly for company."
"What about 'Goal Post-Head'?"
"As I said, I have you and Holly for company. Excuse me, PLEASANT company."
"So what more can you want?"
"Maybe, I don't know…a girl to share fish-and-chips with? Personally, I wish Kochansky had been sacked along with ME."
"Well, buddy, we can always bunk together and continue our rather interesting discussion from yesterday."
"I don't think the philosophical discussion of whether or not Wilma Flintstone was 'hot' would wake me up from my funk," Lister replied.
"Did you say…'funk'?" Cat said, as he begins to gyrate to music that was playing in his mind.
"No, that's NOT what I meant," Lister said, as he shakes his head in disgust.
"What did you NOT mean, Dave?" said a prim-and-trim man, with the letter "H" on his head, as he enters the hallway.
"It's nothing, Rimmer," Lister said. "You wouldn't understand."
"You can tell me, Dave," Rimmer said. "Just don't expect me to care."
"See? THAT is what I mean. I want to be able speak to someone who is neither a narcissist nor a 'git'."
"Since when has this been a problem?" Rimmer said. "You never liked having any authority looking over your shoulders, which allows you to embrace your personal hero."
"And who might THAT be?"
"Pig Pen, of course."
"Of course," Lister said, as he rolls his eyes.
BLIP!
A head appears on a nearby screen.
"Sirs, if you can indulge my curiosity, can you confirm something for me?" said Holly the Computer.
"What is it, Hol?" Rimmer asked. "Did Dave use the toilet dispenser as his personal 'crock pot'?"
"It appears that 'Red Dwarf' hit something. I attempted to use the viewing screen deflectors to wipe it off, but it appears to be sentient."
"Now that is something we can talk about," Cat said.
"Where is it now, Holly?" Lister asked.
"The command observation deck."
"Well, at least the subject is not about Dave's personal hygiene again," Rimmer said flatly…
Lister, Rimmer and Cat arrive at the observation deck.
"I don't see anything out of the ordinary," Dave said.
"Are you sure your sensors are active, and something that was derived from a Colico Vision game system?" Rimmer asked.
"I'll have you know one day, that system will be popular again," Holly replied.
"Hey, guys?" Cat said, as he noticed something, as he taps on Lister's shoulder.
"What is it?" Lister asked.
"I don't think Holly's circuits were malfunctioning this time," Cat said, as he points to the window of the viewing screen that doubled as a forward observation window.
All eyes turn towards the observation window, which had a nude, young woman stuck on the window, while giant window wiper smacks her sides.
"Whoa," Rimmer said. "I didn't know we had entered a dimension where fantasies come true."
"As if you could take advantage of such a thing, you unsubstantiated git," Dave said.
"What are we going to do?" Cat asked. "She's blocking my view!"
As if on cue, the strange phenomenon glowed slightly, as she phased through the window.
SLURRRRP!
"Ah!" Usagi said, as she lands in a crouch. "It's good to breathe fresh air again-"
Suddenly, she makes a face.
"Augh! What's that smell?"
"I believe the source comes from this degenerate over here," Rimmer said with a snarky smile.
"If smell 'B.O.' would be my first experience since regaining a body, I would have reformed without a nose or something…"
"Excuse me?" Lister said with indignity. "But I am standing right here."
Usagi turns her head towards Lister.
"I can smell that."
"I've been trying to get 'monkey boy' to be more like me ever since we met," Cat said.
Usagi turns towards the cat man…
"Nice threads," Usagi smiled.
"Thanks!" Cat said with a broad smile. He then turns towards Lister and Rimmer.
"I like her! Can we keep her?"
A short time later…
"Mmmmph," Usagi, now dressed in coveralls, and with her hair done in her usual Odango hairstyle, was eating mounds of process food in rapid succession.
"A bit piglet she is, eh?" Rimmer said.
"Oh, stop that," Lister replied. "Obviously, this…person is hungry."
"Yeah, so much so that a sign should be posted warning passer-bys about the dangers of feeding strange animals."
"Hey!" Usagi said. "I'm not an animal. I am a goddess."
"Oh, just like my god, 'Cloister the Stupid'," Cat said with a smile.
"Pardon?"
"He referring to the fact that while I was in stasis for three million years, my pet cat and her litter would evolve to create a religion…out of my pet cat's memories of me," Lister said, as re rolled his eyes. "So anyone can be called a 'god'."
"Well, that is one way, but, unlike you, I'm REAL one, not someone who congealed into sentience."
"Well excuse US for not believing in gods, or whatever euphemism there is for religion," Lister said.
"Ah, you're one of those," Usagi said.
"I simply don't believe in a higher power."
"But you believe in evolution."
"Of course. Cat is a perfect example of that FACT."
"But you believe that a lower life form can become a higher life form, correct?"
"Well, sure."
"Then consider me a higher life form when compared to…you, Mr. Lister. And as that boring writer with interesting concept once said, a science can become significantly advanced enough to be perceived as magic to primitive peoples."
"She definitely got a point there," Rimmer said.
"She is definitely NOT have a point," Lister said. "If you are indeed a goddess, while not simply raise the dead?"
"I need time to recover," Usagi said. "And besides, it's not in my domain anymore, being formerly an omnipotent person."
"Then raise ONE person. Either put up, or shut up."
"Okay," Usagi said, as she sniffs the air. She then smiles.
"Okay, you ask for it…"
FLASH!
"Mr. Lister, what are you doing here?" said a large man with an American accident. "Weren't you supposed to be in stasis?"
"Captain Hollister!" Lister said, as he gets up from his seat. "But…but…"
"It's back to stasis with you-"
FLASH!
Captain Hollister disappears.
"Oh, darn," said Usagi disingenuously. "I just couldn't keep up the Flow."
"'The Flow'?" Rimmer asked.
"It's like the Force except with none of the commitment."
"…"
"Okay, I'll take your word for it," Lister said. "Just don't do that again."
With that, Lister exits the dining room.
Rimmer turns towards Usagi.
"THAT was brilliant," Rimmer said. He then mused a bit.
"Say, can you give me a body?"
"Eh, we'll see," Usagis said. "Like I told your friend, I need time to recover."
"Ah, good one," Rimmer said with a wink and a nod. "You want to remain in control of the situation."
"Um, no, it's true. For that demonstration, I simply chose someone whom your friend would be nervous about, as a way of getting him off my back."
"Riiiiight. Well, your secret is safe with ME."
And, with that, Rimmer leaves the room to harass Lister.
Usagi turns towards Cat.
"Is he…?"
"Yes, he is," said Cat. "He's an egotistical idiot."
"Huh…"
Tbc.