Disclaimer: nope, still not.
Summary: Captain is back on the ship, but what happens when he wants to leave? Is the Enterprise willing to let him go again, especially now that he's within their grasp?
The entirety of the ship is beautiful, the silver glow around the ship, the shiny verve of all the machines thrumming against each other – like the softest lullaby that used to echo from that old music box his mother got him before her love didn't reach back. He misses his ship, missed it, knows it, knew it, the Kelvin was never this beautiful – never this…vivid.
He remembers his First Officer on the Kelvin, a man named Clark Mandre, he was calm and kind but not logical, not strict and striking and firm and everything good about the life he never got the chance to have. He loves deeply, loves him deeply, but he left for a reason, and now he's back and he can't fucking have him so what the hell does he do?
Does he escape again? Could he do it again? Turn his back on the ship he just got back from the bleakness of abandonment – was he worse than his mother, she only left one son and a monster with blue eyes, he left a crew, a family, a ship. His mother was right, he is a monster.
He doesn't look at his crew anymore (because are they truly his? can he dare call them his?) because it's is their quirks that haunted him on the Kelvin.
McCoy's habit to sing before he went to bed (country tunes from the 20th century)
Uhura's uncanny love of the smell of Africa (because home is so far from her)
Sulu and Chekov's dual ability to tap dance (it's the only thing they share, other than love)
and Spock's eyes dancing around the bridge (Logic is what rules him)
He watches the stars from his window, watches the lights and brightness fade from sight as they move fasterfaster through space. He catches silver gleans of ephemeral light but ultimately dismisses them as if they were his emotions. But apparently there is no way for him to be left alone because as soon as he collapses in a heap on the floor the door slides open and all that's standing there is Spock in his silhouette and his heart is breaking again and again and again.
He begins to sob, to reap all the pain from what he has sown (but he has sown nothing and Spock is what he hasn't sown and it's hurting so much). There are no more words, no more apologies because Jim doesn't forgive him and Spock is dying on the inside.
" I'm sorry t'hy'la, I'm so sorry…" His murmurs are all that is left of the air that Jim doesn't want to breathe. Spock leaves and Jim is still so alone. Jim is left to bleed.
(maybe he'll heal one day, but today he is left to suffer.)
if you're a short reviewer just put this:
golden rod. – I LOVED IT OMG YESS!
pearlescent. – it was pretty good, not what I expected but pretty OK.
silver-blue. – eh, not up to my standards.
envy green. – didn't really like it.
bleak black. – why the fuck did you even post this?
if you're a long reviewer (and I love you) leave what you liked/disliked.
(no it's not done…god what am I gonna do with this?)
~AU.