X Men: The Past of Tomorrow's Future Days of Time: The Magneto Diaries
Chapter 1: The Test
"You have failed the test." Professor Charles Xavier said with more that a hint of annoyance to his voice.
He had come up with this test as a way of judging the morals of his newest recruit, a man who called himself Wolverine, but now that his best student was lying dead on the ground with her feet severed and in the mouth of a strange Canadian he wondered if the test, the fedora, the musical number, the three bean salad, all of it was worth it.
Logan looked up at Charles, rage boiling behind his eyes, in his mouth were a pair of feet belonging to Xavier University student Jean Grey, they were severed at the ankle and stuck out of Logan's mouth sole first at opposite angles like obscene tusks. "MRRRGRRUMPH!" he grunted in the Professor's general direction.
Fed up with this disgusting display and blinded by rage the professor built up all of his psychic energy focusing it on the Canadian berzerker charging enough to completely destroy, of at least gravely injure the man beast.
At the last second the feather falls from his fedora and brushes his nose causing him to sneeze which in turn caused Charles to loose his built energy upon himself launching both him and his wheelchair through the roof and into the stratosphere like a crippled rocket.
The super-villain known as Magneto sits in his throne in his base built upon an asteroid orbiting earth, plotting new ways to defeat the X-Men and his former friend Charles Xavier.
His planning leads him to his telescope which he uses to observe the world below him.
looking down upon the ant-like people on the surface bellow is an act that usually makes him feel superior to the common man but this time it filled him with a profound sadness, for what he saw when he looked though the lens was Professor Charles Xavier flying into the sky and plummeting back down to the earth.
Magneto turned to no one in particular and took on an expression of absolute depression.
D:
Chapter 2: Dingo Wishes
As Charles plummeted down from his accent he noticed a beautiful rainbow in the distance, Charles (being a staunch Irish Catholic) believed that if he were to wish upon the rainbow, that the leprechaun who lives at it's end would grant his wish.
"Please let me land safely!" he shouted.
Bellow in Australia the Australian counterpart to Wolverine has just saved an Aboriginal child from a pack of hungry dingos.
"Oi 'ope ya lernd eh vuluball lason beck ere kiyd."
"Yoi needa respeck natcha, tha dingo is a noble creecha and they ownlay attackedcha cause ya was in thea territorry. Nahw doint be lehttin' meh ketcha in these pahts ahgain."
"Thanks mister Wolverine I-"
Before the child could finish his heartfelt statement of gratitude the Professor hit the ground with such force that he exploded on impact sending a psychic shock-wave directly at the Aussie hero.
"Mister Wolverine?" but Wolverine's only response is to stare at the child as his entire body turned red and his veins and eyes bulged. "HNERF!" he grunts as he is rocketed into deep space.
The boy stands motionless, the dingos circled around him fall dead, their hearts not able to take in this bizarre spectacle.
Back on the asteroid base Magneto paces back and forth attempting to convince himself that what he saw was just a figment of his imagination as he looked out of his chamber window, the calm of space had always helped him clear his mind when he was stressed, after he started to feel a little better an Australian man flew right by his window crushing his good mood.
D: goes Magneto.
Chapter 3: Logan Does the Foot Dance
The X-Men watched in horror as Wolverine begins an awkward dance, his arms and legs perfectly straight going forward and backwards as he paces across the main room of the X mansion. Jean Grey's feet are still in his mouth as he grunts a jaunty tune.
"W-we have to do something" mutters Cyclops
"Egg-zackly whadda you propose we do" asks Rouge in a thick southern accent.
"God... I don't know, Jean was the love of my life, I don't want to influence my decision, this man is clearly mentally ill and-"
"Jeezus Chist Scott ah' din't ask fer yer life story."
"But.."
"Anybody else ave' any bright ideas?"
The crowd deliberates on the situation for a while tossing ideas back and forth, but nothing of value comes from it. Scott defeated sits down in the corner of the room farthest from the team.
"Perhaps we could carry him out of here."
"If you want to touch him your welcome to it." "Good point."
"We could get one of our psychics to throw him out."
"Which one mon' petit? The one in space or the one on the ground?."
"Maybe-" the last suggestion is cut off by a loud "thwonk" sound as Wolverine's head flew across the room.
Standing by the now headless man is the Russian hero Colossus.
"There, problem is solved."
Shortly after he says this the headless body continues it's dance. The entire team screams in unison, Colossus panicking grabs his own shirt and somehow flings himself into outer space. Everyone watching is still, their mouths gaping in confusion.
Logan continues to dance.
Chapter 4: Toad's Daily Life
Toad woke, as he did every day, alone in his quarters on the asteroid base.
He was in an oddly good mood all things considered, he felt like something good was going to him happen today, though he couldn't imagine what.
Toad was an unpleasant, frankly repulsive man, in both personality and appearance, but he typically meant well in his actions, in one way or another.
Toad hopped into the shower, a rare event in his life, he detests bathing but he figured his smell might be one of the reasons people disliked him. He wasn't wrong.
Toad had decided, today was the day he would make a friend.
Going through his closet he tried to find the perfect outfit to make him look like his idea of a "cool guy" he eventually settled for a Garfield t-shirt and a pair of blue flame patterned swim trunks topped off with a pair of aviator shades. Toad based his ideal of cool on 80's comedy films for some reason clear only to him.
At about 8:00 PM he headed to the lounge, it was a slow work day Magneto was clearly distracted by something or another, Toad didn't really care, his only motivation was to find his co-workers in the brotherhood of evil, Quicksilver, Blob, and the White Queen Emma Frost. Conveniently they were all there.
Quicksilver was sitting at the lunch table, Blob was raiding the fridge, and Emma was sitting on the lounge couch watching a local access TV channel where a man in a paper mask is reenacting Tyler Perry movies.
Toad carefully looked at each of his prospective buddies and found the easiest mark, Quicksilver hated his guts and he didn't want to get between Blob and a reuben sandwich, so Emma was the way to go.
Toad sidestepped his way to the couch careful not to make eye contact with anyone and set on the opposite end from Emma, who didn't appear to notice him, her eyes never wavering from the man on tv pretending to be Medea.
Toad had to think of something to say, some way to break the proverbial ice. Sports. Every cool person loves sports.
"So uh Emma, did you catch the game last Thursday?" Please let there have been a game last Thursday he thought. "What? Oh. Um I don't watch sports."
"Oh." replied Toad "Well-"
Before he could get out another word a metallic Russian man flew through the wall and collided with toad reducing him to a green and pink mist before embedding in the wall.
Quicksilver and Emma were instantly sucked into the airless void by the vacuum of space, Blob was too fat to fit through the hole so he was stuck for a few seconds before he erupted into a beefy cloud.
Chapter five: More Bad Plans
By this point the X-men are more annoyed than frightened by the dancing body of Logan.
The remainder of the team has banded together to find a way to rid themselves of this possibly undead nuisance. Rouge has taken up leadership of the team for the time being, as Scott has had a mental breakdown and refuses to leave the corner of the room.
"Mah first order as leader is to ask you dumbfucks what the hell we need ta do about that goddamn voodoo zombie."
"I could throw some cards at him."
"Nah Gambit, the bastard jus keeps on regenririfyin up when we him with stuff like that."
"I could teleport him into space."
"Nao that's the kinda thinkin' I like Nightcrawler!" says Rouge as she slaps Gambit on the back forgetting that people die when she touches them.
Everybody is too excited to notice Gambit fall.
"Go fer it buddy!"
"Ok here I go!"
Nightcrawler attempts to teleport over to Wolverine but while in between the barriers of reality he hits a break in the fabric of space time which sends him to the past and also into space.
The X-Men stare at the place where Nightcrawer disappeared wondering why he is taking so long.
"Welp anybody else 'ave any bright ideas?" The remainder of the now very small team responds with mutters and fidgets.
Suddenly Beast bursts into the room wearing his glasses and lab coat. "I think I have have figured out how to destroy him for good! We just need to- wurrrrrrrbbbbbbbble." the fuzzy man's face droops as he falls to the ground dead of a massive stroke.
"WELL MOTHER FUCK!" screams the classy lady leading the X-Men.
Chapter Six: Sports Talk
Nightcrawler appeared in a nice employe lounge about two hours before he teleported, there was a fat man making horrible grunts as he shoveled food into his mouth, and a man at a table staring into the wall.
On the other side of the room sitting on a white couch was a pretty lady watching tv, Nightcrawer couldn't shake the feeling that he knew these people but before the thought could sink in a really cool guy sidestepped to the couch.
Nightcrawler couldn't help but be a little jealous of his wonderful fashion sense.
"So uh Emma, did you catch the game last Thursday?" "What? Oh. Um I don't watch sports."
"Ooh that was a great game!" says Nightcrawler right before his teammate hurls through the wall.
A piece of sharp hull shrapnel slams into his genitals tearing them off and nailing them to the wall
"MEIN WEINERSCNHIZELL!" were his last words before he was sucked into deep space.
Chapter 7: An Update on Magneto.
Magneto was still pretty stressed out by all that weird shit he saw outside the base earlier. He just couldn't make sense of it, maybe a little bit of social contact would help him out. He didn't like the brotherhood members but they were just what he needed and if they were too annoying he could always just watch that weird paper mask guy reenact movies instead.
When he got to the door to the lounge he noticed the airlock light flashing he activated his helmets space mode and opened the door.
There was a large hole in the wall covered in the innards of the Blob, it looked like someone painted the walls with spam and barbecue sauce on the opposite end of the room there was Colossus with his head and hands stuck in the wall, he was alive but very clearly trapped, he was struggling and calling for help with all of his might.
"Help me! There is a baby bird touching my shoulder!"
Magneto then noticed the blue penis nailed to the wall by a metal sliver.
"Wait... THAT IS NOT A BABY BIRD! HELP ME!"
Magneto decides the best course of action was simply to just go back to bed.
An alarm goes off signalling that the base is falling from it's orbit, Magneto doesn't pay it any mind.
D:
Chapter 8: The sky is falling
"Wait, I have an idea!" said Jubilee, the youngest member of the team.
"Why don't we just push him out the door?"
"Well that there is just real fuckin' dumb..."
"...actually y'know what, that could work.
"Why din't y'all come up with that earlier? Ya buncha dinguses."
"So who's willin ta touch em?"
"Nobody?"
Silence.
"Nobody at all?"
Everyone attempts to break eye contact with Rouge.
"Fine ah'll do it then ya buncha pusses!"
Rouge motions for someone to open the door, which Kitty Pryde quickly acknowledges.
Emitting a loud battle cry Rouge easily shoves the headless dancer into the yard.
"Huh, well that went much better than I thought it was gonna."
"This calls for a hoe down!"
Those were Rouge's last words before Magneto's asteroid base landed on the Xavier mansion completely obliterating it (and all of it's occupants) instantly.
Chapter 9: Epilogue
Magneto woke up as he did every day in his quarters on the asteroid base, that is now more of a rock base.
He was in an undeniable funk, still wearing his helmet from the previous day and nothing else, he grabbed his baby blue bath robe off of his floor and slid it on, not even nothing to tie the belt.
All he could think about was how much went on the previous day, first his nemesis fly's into the, air then an Australian fly's by his window, his entire brotherhood was killed by an out of control Russian, and for some reason there was a dick on his wall.
That is a lot for a man to take in.
Magneto opened the shades to his bedroom window, he was barely even surprised to learn that he was on the surface of earth.
On his way to the kitchen he heard rhythmic footsteps coming from the hall but he didn't care enough to check.
Logan danced down the hall as Magneto entered the kitchen to brew a cup of coffee, while he was waiting he rummaged around looking a bottle of whiskey he kept around for social functions and to celebrate brotherhood victories. The bottle had never been opened.
By the time he broke the seal on the bottle the coffee was ready, he poured himself a quarter mug of coffee and three quarters of a mug of whiskey.
Colossus could hear a shuffling behind him.
"Who is there?"
No answer.
Logan blindly shuffled into the lounge slowly approaching Colossus' metallic rump sticking out of the wall, he doesn't seem to notice as he makes contact and continues to walk forward.
Magneto takes a hearty swig.
Logan's groin presses against Colossus' rump, Colossus screams at the unpleasant feeling of the headless man's groin pressing against his ass.
"AHHHHHHHHH!"
As he struggles his arm bumps into Nightcrawler's wall wang several times.
Logan keep on walking forward despite making no progress.
He never stops, as he dances ever on.
Magneto finishes his Irish coffee and looks down at the empty mug.
Toad gave it to him for his birthday a few years before, on it is a picture of Garfield wearing sunglasses with the caption "I HATE MONDAYS"
Colossus continues to scream.
"I couldn't agree more." said Magneto as he refilled the mug with whiskey skipping the coffee entirely.