You are a part of me

by erica-miamore

She tried to forget about the night Erica left her but failed miserable. She thought about the things that could have been...

You are a part of me

Every time in the last few days I regret my decision that I haven't told you the whole truth what is going on in my head. It hurts to think that we couldn't' last forever, but unfortunately it's the way it is between us. I had to leave to really see what you meant to me, the problem was that I couldn't stay under any circumstances. Because of you, because of SGH. I couldn't even stand to live in Seattle anymore so I left it for good this time. Because if there is a possibility that I see you again I might kiss and hug you and you would hurt me again, because that's the way you are. I send you this letter because with this I say goodbye to you, I can't do that in person. It would hurt too much. A few shirt and underwear are in the box you left at my place, things you left behind as it meant something. And to tell you the truth, I don't know what I should say to you if I see you then wish you well for whatever you're doing. You meant so much to me, still do, that it hurts to know that I won't be a part of your life again.

Yours truly Erica

She was stunned and reread the letter again and again, she looked at the box, packed with her belongings. As she pulled out her shirt which she hadn't found and searched everywhere for it.

She tried to forget about the night Erica left her but failed miserable. She thought about the things that could have been, she hurt her betrayed her so many times that she wondered why Erica hadn't left before.

She was still in thought as Christina stormed through the door with a bottle of tequila and limes. "We have to celebrate Torres! I'm back, I'm back in cardio. I'm an adrenalin junkie now! I'm even in the mood to clean the apartment!"

Callie looked at her bewildered, as Christina nearly bounced to the stereo to turn up the volume. "Come on get up and dance. I have cardio, you have peds."

"What do you mean I have peds. I have ortho, if it matters!"

"No, I mean that we moved on and we have the things we love! I have cardio and you have that Kansas, Kentucky, Arizona something."

Callie was confused, "What are you talking about?"

"I mean that now she is your girlfriend, which she tells everyone who will or will not listen…"

"What?"

"Before I left I heard her talking to the chief about the 'tail and tell' sheets and that she needed to update hers with your name." Christina stopped dancing around as she looked at Callie.

Callie was furious now, jumped off the couch, grabbed her leather jacket and purse, snatched her keys off the counter and throws open he door that it crashed against the wall.

Christina was a little shocked, she knew "cage-fighter" Callie but it was nothing like this. She sighed frustrated, grabbed her bag and stormed after her non-friend, after all she is Christina and wants to know what's going on.

Callie was fast, faster than Christina thought and she had to run to catch up with her. She was glad that her non-friend wasn't ever really angry with her.

Both leaped into the hospital, Christina close behind, but everyone was staring at them because Callie had that 'come near me and I'll kill you' look on her face. And the first poor one she spotted was Bailey on her way to the nurse station.

Callie marched towards her and with venom in her voice she hissed, "Where the fuck is Dr. Robbins?"

"Good evening to you too Dr. Torres." Bailey ignored her first comment because nobody talked to her like that.

"Where the fuck is that stupid bitch Arizona 'fucking' Robbins?!"

Bailey whirled around, "Watch you tongue Dr. Torres because whatever is going on with you and Dr. Robbins you have absolutely no reason to talk to me like that, and I will not tolerate this!"

" I don't care if you tolerate this or not." Callie screamed and stormed towards the staircase to get to the peds-station. On her way she spotted Mark who first grinned at her and then watched worriedly as she marched through the doors.

He was even more confused as he saw Christina hot on Callies heels. "What the hell is going on?"

"Callie is on the war-path and it has something to do with Dr. Robbins."

Just as Christina finished the sentence, the said person came around the corner and a big smile was plastered on her face as she saw Callie.

Callie was angry and lunged for Robbins throat but Mark held her back on the last second.

Dr. Robbins looked perplexed.

"You stupid bitch, if you ever come near me or talk about things that aren't the way you want them to be, so help me god I will beat you that not even Mark knows how to fix you!" Callie struggled against Mark vehemently, but he knew if let her go she would what she promised to do.

Mark and Christina dragged Callie away from Robbins and the growing crowed into an empty on-call room. Christina shut the door behind them as Sloan tried to push Callie away from the door with more or less success.

He pushed her again and unfortunately Callie banged her head against a bead-frame. Without any warning she started to sob and curled herself into a ball on the bed, she cried like a small child, like she lost herself and everything at once.

Mark starred flabbergasted and turned to Christina. "What is wrong with her?"

"You're her friend, so tell me!"

As he tried to come closer to Callie, she started even more to cry. She was murmuring something to herself, frantically sobbing into the pillow.

"It's Hahn, she's the reason she's reacting like this. But what did Dr. Robbins that Callie nearly killed her?"

Christina looked sorrowful at Callie, she shouldn't have told her that she listened to the conversation between the chief and Robbins. "It might have something to do with what I've heard, what Dr. Robbins told the chief."

"And?"

"What?"

"Should I hit you with something, or will you tell me what she told him!"

"That she had to update her 'tail and tell' sheet."

"What, why?"

"What the hell do I know! I just heard and told Callie as I came home."

"And what has she done as you found her in the apartment?"

"She was sorting through a box full of her t-shirts and was staring at a letter. Why?"

Mark sighed and slid down a wall to sit on the floor and leaning his head back. He knew exactly what Callie was doing. It was the same letter, the same box she received two months ago, as he found her she was a mess.

"This shouldn't have happened. I thought that she was ok again, that she had ended this."

"What the hell do you mean?"

He pinched his nose with his index, and third finger and closed his eyes frustrated. "Two months ago she received a box and a letter…."

"From whom?"

"What?"

"From whom, these were her shirts. I know because I saw them before, and her underwear because no one else wears boy-shorts with a comic-print."

Mark looked flabbergasted. "What?"

"This," and she pointed between them, "this is getting weird."

"She never wears them if it wasn't serious."

"What?"

"Stop that too, this is really getting weird."

"Told you so, but what else should I say when I don't know what you are talking about!"

"If the relationship wasn't serious for her she won't wear he boy-shorts. She didn't wear them when she was with George, they were married but unconsciously she wasn't serious with it."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Was she serious with you?"

He looked over at the hunched form on the bed still crying her eyes out and started laugh a little. "No, never. We had something but that wasn't real. But if what you say is true then for the first time in her life she wanted to be serious with someone."

"And who should that someone be?"

He hit his forehead with his palm. "God help me, are you really this stupid? Who do you think? The box she received was from Erica!"

Christina stood there with an open mouth, and didn't know what to say.

"What? Don't tell me you didn't know, it was obvious after the kiss in the parking lot."

"What?"

"This game will never end." He murmured as he buried his face in his hands. "Long story short, I think that had fallen for Erica, that she loved her and still does. And that is the reason why she reacted the way she did when she heard what Dr. Robbins was implying."

Christina looked thoughtfully as both heard a small voice from the bed. "He is right, I've fallen for her, hard. And as I realized it, she was gone. But I can't be angry with her because I would have hurt her again."

"You don't know that."

Callie got angry and shouted as new tears were running down her cheek. "Sure I know that, look what I've done to her. I've betrayed her long before there was something between us, and later to proof something. To proof that there is a difference between the love and sex with her than with you or any man on this damn world! But there isn't, and to realize that I have to betray her." Callie got silent again and whispered. "I betrayed her…but I have never loved anyone else like her before."

"Then what are you still doing here? Get up and go for your girl."

"What if she doesn't love me like I lover her."

It got silent in the on-call room. "You don't really believe that, do you? I'm a resident occupied with myself and the drama that revolves around me isn't important enough. But the one thing even I can tell is that there must be some feeling towards you."

"How do you know this?"

"Because you were the only one where she acted like a human being."

"Stop to insult her before…"

"Eh, stop it right there. I meant that you are her 'person', like Meredith is mine but not the same as you two, you two were…Anyway." Christina rummaged in her purse and gave Callie small piece of paper. "I'll hope you do something with that information."

"What is this?" Callie asked as she stared it.

"The address of the hotel where Dr. Hahn is staying for the next couple of days."

"But why do you have this information?"

"I wanted to go there to beg her to come back."

"But I thought you're back. You were the one who stormed into our apartment and nearly screamed that you got your groove back."

"Yeah, but desperate times. I'm back in cardio but I want to learn from the best, and Hahn is the best no matter what. Not even Burk was that good….Look, I do you a favour because I think it should be you not me. Because I will look pathetic and you will look desperately love struck."

Mark smirked at Christinas little speech.

"What?"

"You really would have gone and begged her, wouldn't you?"

"Sure, I want to learn how to repair hearts and not hug surgeons so they would feel better. If Hahn stayed there wouldn't be that stupid hugging. There would be lot more work to do and we wouldn't be on range 21. And how the hell did we even get there?!"

Mark was astounded. "We're on range 21.?"

"Do you really think that a world class surgeon like Hahn quit and there wouldn't be any consequences?"

"She's right." Callie scoffed. "And when you think about it, where would where would this hospital be without Derek, without you, without Bailey. Even without Christina. Mark, Erica was right. There is no moral left in this hospital."

"So what do you do next?"

"I'll go and find her, beg to listen. I have no dignity left, I would go down on my knees in front of her."

"And then?"

"What and then?"

"I mean, what will you say to her, you can't just go down on your knees and hope she'll forgive you for what you've done."

Callie looked down at her hands, which rested, in her lap. She knew what she had done, so many times she regretted what she did to Erica.

"You slept with the man-whore Callie, don't expect her to forgive you immediately. You betrayed her."

Callie felt the guilt growing, tears forming in the corner of her eyes again. Christina told her mistakes again, mistakes that she wasn't able to forget and suddenly everything burst and she screamed. "I KNOW IT OK. I KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE TO HER, AND THERE ISN'T ONE DAY WHERE I WHISH I COULD TURN BACK THE TIME, ERASE EVERYTHING WHAT I'VE DONE. BUT I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE AND WAIT FOR A MIRACLE. I've already lost so much time with her."

"And what do you tend to do?"

"Tell her what I should have told her in the first place. Ran after her if necessary, kiss her, declare my love for her and if necessary in front of everyone."

With that she stood up and walked with determined steps out of the on-call room and towards the exit. Now that she knew where Erica was, it was just a matter of time when she can correct her mistakes.

Mark stood in the doorway with a big smile on his face as he watched Callies retreating form.

Christina watched him bewildered. "You know that she isn't available anymore if succeeds?!"

"I know!"

"I mean you can't have sex with her or Hahn will cut your heart out with a steak knife!"

"I know, but I have such a feeling that if this succeeds Callie will be spoiled anyway."

"What do you mean?"

He looked a little shocked at Christina. "Not even you can't be that …"

"Don't even thinking about finishing that sentence!"

Just in that moment Bailey stepped in front of them with an angry look on her face and her hands on her hips.

"What do you think you are doing?!"

Mark still grinned and hugged Christina with one arm and drew her closer. " We have done something good, something very good. You want to join us in the H&H?"

At first Christina was shocked at the suggestion but then he started to laugh so hard that she had to lean on Mark so that she wouldn't double over.

Now Bailey was confused, she was sure that a conspiracy was going on but Christinas laughing was more strange than anything else.

Mark grinned at Bailey. "And, do you want to join us?"

"I know for sure that Christina wouldn't do what I think you are doing but something is going on and it has something to do with a certain Dr. Torres!"

"And that's why we all go over to the H&H!"

"And why is that so?"

"Because Hahn is there, and Callie finally got her ass in gear to talk to her."

Bailey opened her mouth to say something but was lost for words, and before someone could say something to her she turned on her heels and walked on a fast pace towards the exit.

Mark raised his eyebrows in confusion. "What the…"

He and Christina looked at each other before they sprinted after her. "BAILEY WAIT! What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" she hopped into her mini-van and before she run them over in any way, Mark and Christina jumped into the backseat. "Where the hell are we going?"

"You said that Callie is going to the H&H and that is where we are heading too!"

"Bailey it was just a joke, I think Callie should do this on her own!"

"I'm not concerned about her, I'm concerned about Hahn!" Both in the backseat were now more confused than before.

It was a reckless twenty-minute drive to the H&H, Bailey screeched to a halt in front of the entrance, jumped out of the car and ran in. Mark and Christina out with shaking legs. "Remind me that I'll never drive with Bailey ever again!"

Christina looked a little green in her face. As both got into the lobby. Bailey was nowhere in sight. "Where the hell is she?"

"I don't know, but Callie is over there."

Christina almost ran over to her. "CALLIE!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Let's say we are the moral support for you!"

Callie walked on, she was nervous. Had sweaty palms and she felt her heart thumbing in her chest like crazy. "I think I'm lucky that this is a cardio conference, because when I'll have a heart attack someone can help me, at least I hope that someone will help me."

"Yeah, sure. You just have to hope that it isn't Hahn." Christina said sarcastically, which got her a punch on her upper arm from Mark. "What? She treated Meredith with cutting her heart out with a steak knife, and she wasn't the one who cheated on her."

"Shut up!" Mark hissed towards her.

"She is right anyway, so let her be. I know I would have killed me at the first possibility."

"So, have you seen her yet?"

"I thought so, but it was someone else…Hey, is that Bailey over there?" Everyone turned in the said direction. "Wait, what is she doing here, is…"

Just in that moment a blond, blue-eyed cardio goddess stepped out of the crowd and walked over to Bailey with a surprised but grateful smile, and greeted each other with a hug.

"Since when are those two friends?" Christina asked confused.

The last time the three of them saw those two near each other..lets just say it wasn't pleasant.

As the two of them talked Ericas expression changed from happy to confused to sheer panic and anger.

Callie wanted to go over but Mark held her back. "What? Let me go Mark!"

"Wait, do you know why those two seemed to know each other better than colleagues?"

And to everyones surprise Christina answered. "Since the day she quit, Bailey found her in the parking lot. I think they talked and since then…"

Callie punched Christinas upper arm hard. "Ouch! What was that for?"

"Why haven't you told me?"

"Have I known that the two of you were that close?! You only told me after your breakdown in the OR!"

"You should have told me, even if you didn't know that we were a couple!"

"A couple? I thought…anyway, now I've told you. But it wouldn't have mattered, you wouldn't have done anything if you knew!"

Callie starred over to Erica and Bailey and caught deep ocean-blue, tired and sad eyes. And just as she took a step, Bailey instinctively reached for Ericas arm to hold her back. But Erica struggled out and took a step back to get out of Baileys reach.

Callie wasn't fast enough and as she reached Baileys side they only saw Ericas retreating figure, nearly fleeting the conference hall. And because Callie didn't know what else to do she accused Bailey. "Why haven't you told me? You knew all along where she was! I trusted you, you were the first I told about me and Erica. You've seen me, how broken I was and still you haven't told me!….I hate you!!"

"Be careful what you say Torres!" Bailey was furious now and raised her voice that Mark and Christina who stood behind Callie now raised an eyebrow. "You say that you were hurt? You have absolutely no idea how hurt she was, through all those months, how devastated she was!" she pointed an accusing finger at Callie. "You don't know because you didn't care! So don't tell me what to do!"

And as Bailey turned to go after Erica, Callie grabbed her arm. Bailey wanted to start an angry tirade and looked up to Callies face, what she saw in Callies eyes left her speechless.

"Please Bailey, you are right I don't know, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I was too proud to go after her then, too scared of what other people would think if they knew that I'm in love with a woman!"

Bailey stared at her shocked, and Callie got confused. "What?"

"Do you really mean that?"

"What?"

"That you love her?!"

"With every fibre of my being, yes I love Erica!"

"Come!" Bailey grabbed Callie arm and dragged her after her.

"Where are we going?"

"If you really love her like you say, you have to talk to her because she thinks she was just an experiment for you that got out of hand."

"But she wasn't, she was so much more!"

"I know that, now, everyone else knows that now but she doesn't and you have to change that now!"

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said that I broke her. What happened?" Callie nearly whispered now and both came to a halt.

Bailey sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand. "One night she called me, she was drunk. I think she didn't know what she was doing, not in the state she was in as I found her. She wasn't the Hahn I knew, she just sat there in her living room drinking straight from a bottle of wine. She isn't talkative but it was enough for me to see that she wouldn't be the same again. She never asked about you, but I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to know. But didn't dare to ask."

Tears were running down Callies cheeks. "How…I need to talk to her. Make things ok again, explain things. God Bailey, I could I not fight for her. How in the world could I let her walk away from me!?"

"Go, find her and talk to her even if she doesn't want to listen!"

"But where is she now?"

"This is a cardio conference, she is giving a lecture today. Go and find her, and force her to listen!"

In that moment Christina came up to them. "Hurry Callie, she has a lecture in 15 minutes maybe we can catch her there!"

Bailey looked annoyed at Christina. "Do you listen to every conversation that's none of your business?"

"Of course, how do you think I know about everything that's going on in the hospital!"

Bailey rolled her eyes and followed the trio to the big conference room, at the entrance was a poster, which showed that Dr. Erica Hahn was holding a lecture about the progresses and developments in the cardio-thoracic medicine.

"Oh please, don't let it…" Bailey nearly pleaded, she knew Callie. Either she was talkative and nothing could stop her or she wasn't talking at all. Whatever was going to happen now, it will change a lot of things, for good or bad that wasn't decided yet.

There she was, Callie stood in the middle of the corridor, starring at the podium where Erica was talking. She was stunned by her looks, her heart was beating faster, her palms got sweaty but this was the right thing to do. But she didn't know how to start, should she wait till Erica finished, but after the lecture she was sure that Ericas colleagues wanted to talk with her and this conference is important to Erica.

Callie stood there for over two hours, listening to the voice, which haunted her in her dreams. Which she missed so much, but she had no idea who to get Erica…

"…and if there are some questions, I'll be glad and try to answer them now." Which earned Erica some laughs, Callie was frantic and tried to come up with an interesting question to get Ericas attention.

But then she asked the only thing that came to her mind. "Dr. Hahn, how can you mend a broken heart?"

Erica couldn't see who asked that question. "If you refer to 'the broken-heart-syndrome' than this question is easy to answer. You have to…."

"I'm not talking about the syndrome Dr. Hahn. I meant a real broken heart, when you were betrayed by a loved one or left behind by a loved one." The speaker stepped into the light and Erica gasped at who stood there.

"I need an answer from you because at the moment I just want to rip my own heart out of my chest because I betrayed the one person that meant everything to me." Callies voice wasn't steady anymore and tears began to form in her eyes as she observed Erica, who tried to stay calm. "When I think about what I lost, it is as if I can't breath. Like my chest contracts and I don't know what to do…."

Erica was speechless, for the first time in her life she didn't know what to say. Here she was, the one person she tried to forget the last few months. Tried and failed miserably. And behind Callie she saw Bailey, Mark and Christina.

"I was in my own world, tried to make sense of my life, tried to deny and in the end I betrayed and lost. I was at the wrong side when I shouldn't, haven't run after as I was left behind …I tried so hard not to love that in the end I loved so much more." Callie walked slowly up to the podium, never registering the other eyes that watched her every move. Only focusing on the one who stood there with a disbelieving look on her face.

"So please tell me Dr. Hahn, what should I do to mend my broken heart?"

"I…I…I……" Erica was stuttering, she couldn't form any words, Callie was the last one she expected. Panic rose within her, she wasn't a public person and wasn't in the mood to start with it now.

She fled from the podium towards the side exit but none other than Mark Sloan and Christina Yang blocked her way. "Get out of my way, before something drastic will happen!"

"ERICA!" She turned fast and watched as Bailey came towards her.

"You…I trusted you. I expected that you never ever tell anyone where I am." Bailey tried to calm her and reached for her hands. "Please Erica, it isn't the way it looks like."

"The hell it is…it was a mistake to come to this conference." She tried to push past Bailey to get out of the conference room, still occupied by too many people who watched the drama that started to enfold in front of them.

"No it wasn't. Erica you are the best cardio surgeon in this country you can't hide. Wherever you get a job, you will get recognition. Look at her, look at Callie and tell me she isn't heartbroken too. You still are, I know that. Erica please listen to her, she had the courage to come her and confront herself, confront you. The least you can do is to listen what she has to say." Bailey tried to reassure her.

As she looked towards Callie she felt her throat t tighten and feelings started to stir with in her she so long tried to forget. "I…I can't. I can't let her hurt me again. What she….I just can't." Erica whispered and walked past them.

But before she reached the door, Callie shouted after her. "I LOVE YOU!"

Erica stood still, the quietness in the room now was nearly unbearable. She slowly turned around with a shocked expression on her face.

"I love you Erica Hahn and no matter what, I'll still love you because you are a part of me since the day I met you and ever will be. And I say this to you because you have a right to know how I feel, you had that right before. But I was scared and left you behind on the way that should have been a way were we walked together, where we should have been scared together. But I got scared alone because you had that big revelation and I did what I always do when I get scared, I ran. What I did was wrong Erica. But please give me a chance. Give us a chance…" Callie pleaded and slowly walked towards Erica who still stood there shocked because of Callies declaration.

"Please Erica, give us a chance. I love you too much to let you go again without a fight!?"

Ericas hand trembled as she reached for Callie, carefully caressing her face with her fingertips. And closed her eyes at the sensation of feeling Callies soft skin again, she leant in so that only Callie could hear her whispered words. "So many nights I wished you say these words to me. Why now Callie, why are you telling me this now?"

Callie took a hold of Ericas still trebling hand, which cupped her face now and leant into the touch. "Because I've found out that there isn't a right or wrong time to declare your love. There will never be, and if you don't do it then maybe you never get a chance at all and I don't want to waste time again where you aren't by my side….Where you belong."

Erica searched Callies eyes. "Do you believe that we have a chance? That there is a future for us?"

"Yes…yes I do, with all my heart I believe that there is a future that shows us together!"

Both smiled now and happy tears were running down their cheek and neither cared that they were watched me more than hundred pairs of eyes.

And just before their lips met in that final breathtaking kiss, Erica whispered. "I love you too, with all my heart!"