*WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH* Sad face may ensue. :(
The world is full of secrets, unspoken truths that hide just beneath the surface of reality.
One such secret lingered now on the edge of nonexistence.
Echoed voices and a symphony of electric sound, enclosed Justin in a cocoon of frightening realization...
...he was about to die.
His heart's secret, the one he knew alone, not yet revealed.
It was in love.
Eighteen years he'd lived with heart problems, having been born with a severe heart condition. His body had first shown glimmers of defeat nearly ten years ago. Though it had not been until his sixteenth birthday, that his heart decided it could not beat much longer.
Justin had not accepted that. Wouldn't. Couldn't.
He and his heart had much to experience. With a positive outlook and a persistent smile, Justin intended to live. To love.
Just last year he'd met the only thing to ever help heal his pessimistic heart, Brian Kinney.
Liberty Avenue's King of tricks and reckless behavior. What his loyal subjects didn't know however, was that their king had found a prince.
A secret of his own, whom he'd spent nearly every night beside.
He'd held him in his arms and listened to his heart. Never once hearing it's weakened beats, it's inevitable end.
When Justin had first told him about his burden of illness, Brian had displayed honest emotion. Though, he had only slightly fallen apart before hardening himself; returning to stone, the strong rock that Justin needed him to be.
''I wish I could give you mine.'' Brian's voice echoed softly now in Justin's memory.
They had been in the shower, Brian gingerly tracing the blond's chest, Just. Over. His. Heart.
''You already have.'' Justin had responded.
It was true. Brian's heart now belonged to him and his, no matter how damaged, was Brian's in return. Regardless of whether anyone else knew it or not.
Their love was under lock and key. The two men hiding themselves from the world, afraid of being found by fate. Terrified of waking from the dream it was to be together.
Lost in each other, life oblivious to their presence. A moment for only the two of them.
Moments they knew alone.
Time tucked away.
Justin was okay with that. He and his heart had been through too much together, they were entitled to a secret. A beautiful, brunet secret with a warming smile and mysterious eyes. Though, it was never too much of a mystery to Justin what those eyes displayed.
Having only known the man for a year, both had been surprised at how well the blond could translate the unreadable Brian Kinney.
Surprised at how quickly their connection had deepened, continued to flourish, until they'd both fallen so far there was no hope of climbing out of a commitment.
He'd been in Allegheny's cardiac unit for just over two days. His mother had been hovering, suffocating him more than his own betraying breaths.
Brian was away on business when Justin had initially called to tell him of his worsening condition. He would be there soon; he'd talked to him just twenty minutes ago. The mere sound of the man's voice had put him at ease. He let that soft drawl transport him to one of their stolen moments.
The clock had read two thirty, when Justin heard the familiar metallic rumble of the loft door. Brian was home uncharacteristically early. Especially for someone whose only long term relationship had been with his work... until Justin.
He set the slender paintbrush down on the ledge of the elaborate easel, which held an embarrassingly empty canvas. A plethora of paints mocked him with their vibrancy. He'd felt lethargic all day, an unfortunate side effect to the new meds his Doctor was trying.
Every groundbreaking medication, newfound treatment, every muttered confidence in an answer soon to be found, was, to Justin no longer inspiring. The sound of false hope had lost it's magic, like a song he'd heard just too many times.
It was for that reason, the less than desirable effect of the 'sure to be helpful' drug, that Justin was at the loft so early in the afternoon. Why he had skipped his afternoon classes, why he couldn't find the energy or creativity needed to put paint to paper.
Top of the line paint and paper nonetheless; only a few of the gifts Brian had bestowed upon him. But, those were just …things.
Nothing was worth more than the present of his heart. That was the gift that Justin knew he'd treasure forever.
However long that may be.
"Honey, I'm home." That beautiful ballad of a voice jokingly echoed through the house.
"Darling." Justin responded, equally playful in his best old Hollywood tone.
"Oh the great artiste' is hard at work, shall I come back later?" Brian teased in a serious voice. He placed a long, deep kiss on Justin's eager lips. He licked the bottom lip for good measure, then went to turn away.
Brian's retreat was promptly halted by a harsh tug at his tie. "You'll go nowhere Kinney." Justin instructed sternly, then rose from his stool. He did his best to ignore the rush of dizziness that found him. If there was anything capable of mending his ailments, it was the man before him.
"Whatever you say Sunshine." Brian smiled before gathering the blond in his arms, pressing his body to his as tightly as the man would allow himself. He always expected the blond to break. He could never fully understand that he was in actuality, the one thing repairing him.
Through a series of vigorous kisses, Brian's eyes settled on the blank canvas over Justin's shoulder. He gave Justin a curious look, then quickly set the boy back down the two inches he'd lifted him from the floor.
Without a word, the brunet quickly started removing his clothes. Shoes, socks…everything else.
Justin stood steadily staring. It never ceased to amaze him just how gorgeous his lover was.
"No worries Mr. Taylor," he announced proudly "your muse has arrived." He concluded , striking an almost comedic model pose. Though as Justin's gaze traced the contours of the body he knew so well, he felt not like laughing.
Brian gave him only half a second to react, when Justin still hadn't moved he sighed and strode over to the easel himself. "Ah, and the student becomes the teacher." He said, gripping a paintbrush in his strong, slender fingers.
Justin shook his head a little, and grinned. "You? Have those delicate hands ever even touched paint Mr. Armani?" he challenged.
Brian scoffed and lifted the palate beside him. "Ye of little faith blondie. I'll have you know, I know my way around brush." He said defensively.
Justin raised his features in disbelief. He watched the man's advance. As purposeful and dangerous as a hunting beast. Everything about his movements should have had Justin's body screaming to run. He stood his ground , content to be caught.
Barely an inch away, Brian eyed Justin from head to toe. "Well, before I can begin my lesson, first things first Taylor;" he clicked his tongue "you're significantly overdressed."
Without hesitation the student obeyed his instruction. Once in the proper attire of nothing, the lesson began.
"An artist is only as good as his inspiration," Brian whispered, hot against Justin's ear. "I'm feeling very inspired." He added, while gently dragging the brush along Justin's pale stomach, his other hand finding the excitement in Justin's groin.
Justin jumped a bit at the sudden coldness of the paint but was quickly warmed by the heat of Brian's exploring fingers, and the man's searing mouth on his own…
He could almost feel the brunet's heated kiss even now, despite the chills from his fever. Though he'd been on the waiting list for a transplant, it seemed his matches always fell through.
That list had failed him. His heart was currently failing, fast. He knew Brian would never fail him.
Justin had known not to call such a thing to his partner's attention. He'd made certain never to say things like 'Knight in shining armor'. Honestly, Justin had never understood how anyone could be so guarded. He himself longed for freedom, maximum exposure to living.
What was the point of wearing armor if it kept out love as well as pain?
Not that Brian would call it as such…naturally. However, Justin had heard it in all of the words the brunet never spoke.
A soft, velvet touch glided across golden flesh. Justin had awakened before Brian on that peaceful Sunday morning.
He'd spent the night at the loft having told his parents the previous night that he was attending a sleep over…which, in hindsight, hadn't been a lie, exactly.
The glittering sun mingled with the early morning.
Though it was the proverbial 'Holy day', you would not find Justin in a church. He'd felt little use for prayer, when his heart had not been healed years ago.
No answers fell from the sky. No rain to explain…anything.
Sometimes things had no explanation, no grand scheme, no reason. Sometimes things simply…were.
With Brian still in the safety of his dreams, Justin continued his fingers' exploration of warm skin.
He paused for a moment on his wrist, savoring the pulse that beat beneath it. Steady, unfaltering. Strong.
Justin had experience when it came to differentiating between the strong and the weak. Often times, he'd come to learn, there was a fine line between them. Almost impossible to recognize, an invisible line dividing fragility and strength.
He resumed the trailing tour of his sleeping lover. The whorls of his fingertips tickled. Justin stopped motion again, afraid of waking him.
Although his eyes remained closed, Brian spoke. "If I pretend to still be asleep, will you keep touching me?" he asked.
In the settled, silent morning, his quiet voice was loud. It echoed into the new day which Justin was grateful for. The arrival of Brian's voice sent shivers crawling across pale skin.
"I didn't mean to wake you." Justin felt compelled to whisper.
Hazel eyes fluttered only briefly. That single second, when both men locked eyes, had been the single second when the day had truly begun.
"I'm glad you did." Brian whispered too. He'd offered the words like a secret in the palm of his hand before quickly clasping it shut. He eyes shut again too.
Their whispered words were welcomed by the air. Yet another shared secret they knew alone.
Brian remained perfectly still, allowing Justin to trace him.
Feather light. The barest touch.
So passed several moments of lazily swirling fingers and thoughts. Twisting absentmindedly like invisible tendrils of smoke.
Breaking into the silence was Justin's voice, "I love you."
There it was.
He'd blurted it out, effortlessly, stupidly.
For certain Brian would shy away from the words. Perhaps even flinch at the emotion they threw at him.
He hadn't. A small smile played with the edges of Brian's mouth, "What was it you just said there?"
Justin felt relief, almost a sense of pride, but he didn't push his luck. "Oh, nothing." He'd answered instead of repeating himself.
"No. No. Now, Mr. Taylor, I distinctively heard you say something." Brian said, clearly amused.
With liquid movement, one smooth, unbroken motion, he rolled his body to position it over Justin. Using his arms to hold himself up, Brian's torso hovered above the blond. From the waist down, he molded seamlessly against the other man.
"It's called fucking Sunshine." Brian's eyes danced with mischief. Justin's pulse danced with excitement.
That sense of pride, for obtaining the unattainable Mr. Kinney welled with Justin again. "It's love to me." He stated matter-of-factly, looking directly into Brian's eyes.
Hazel hadn't hid.
For what felt certainly longer than it'd truly been, they stared. With only breath between them, they held each other's eyes, an embracing gaze.
Brian had said nothing further. Neither to respond to Justin's declaration, nor' to deliver one of his own.
He hadn't needed to. Justin had always heard the words regardless; in looks just like those, and in every touch. The soft ones, as delicate as a rose's petals and the desire filled, rough ones as savage as it's thorns.
Brian Kinney offered very little by way of mushy spoken sentiments but he always expressed them physically whether he'd meant to or not.
Justin loved that about him…that he was an emotional wreck.
At the thought, Justin smiled, Brian returned it.
His brunet hair fell haphazardly into his face. Like a wild thing, he growled.
He crashed his lips down onto Justin's, smothering both smiles.
The man had always said that Justin's smile was something to see. To Justin, it paled in comparison to the rarity of Brian's own.
His eyes felt heavy, his whole body more exhausted than his mind. Behind his eyelids, he could see that smile. The bright ghost of it haunted his thoughts. In his imagination now, he could hear the giggle that Brian would swear he didn't own.
It was a glorious sound that Justin knew alone. A sound he hoped to hear at least One. More. Time.
He wanted to fill every heartbeat that remained with thoughts of the love that kept it whole.
A years' worth of memories, he sifted in stages. He'd turned, he'd guessed a thousand pages.
At last he'd settled on the last time he'd seen Brian in person, three nights ago.
The sky draped like fabric across the world. Brilliant stars appeared sewn into place. Tiny stitches creating the night.
Providing what seemed like millions of flickering flames for this candlelit dinner.
Justin had been hard at work all day preparing a romantic dinner for the two of them, a picnic on the floor. Had spent hours roasting and basting chicken. Boiling, blanching, broiling, baking.
The makeshift table, a dark crimson quilt Justin remembered being wrapped in several months prior, awaiting a particularly uncomfortable fever to break. Just as sure as he remembered it's softness lightly draping his naked flesh the previous morning
Brian emerged from the bedroom, newly showered and dressed in a crisp black button up and his favorite jeans. Bare feet met the hardwood as he walked over to the picnic.
He hadn't said anything to ruin the moment, but raised a playful eyebrow in Justin's direction. The blond couldn't decipher if he'd been touched, impressed or embarrassed by the cliché' table setting. It didn't matter anyway, Justin was happy. And Brian was going to eat the chicken.
The brunet was set to catch a flight to Baltimore in just over three hours. Justin had scheduled time for dinner on the floor and dessert in bed.
After dinner and several helpings of dessert, Brian dragged his luggage to the door.
Justin had planned on staying the night, which Brian had easily agreed too. In his absence, Justin wanted to dream in the bed where that dream often slept.
"I'll see you in…"Brian began. The sentence hadn't reached completion, for a pale hand clamped against it. As if those words would be the first drops in a flood to drown them both.
Justin didn't do 'Goodbyes'. In a life where every moment could be the last, he had intended to say farewell only once. This was not that time.
Brian knew as such. Though he preferred to pretend he did not. Many things were better left un-discussed. The fact that Justin would not always be there upon his return, ranked the highest. The topic of how that made him feel, just below it.
Brian nodded lightly and kissed the palm still pressed to his lips, Justin dropped it to his side.
"I know." Brian said and they were quite possibly the two saddest words ever spoken.
He'd spoken softly, but there'd been a hard edge to his voice. A diamond slowly marking glass.
Justin hated the understanding in Brian's voice. Nothing was fair.
Scarcely hidden sorrow writhing beneath the surface of his eyes, Brian cupped Justin's neck and pressed their foreheads together. Melting his voice into golden hair, he whispered, "It's only time."
Blues eyes found the clock on the otherwise empty wall. Time mattered now more than ever before. Justin knew it'd take Brian thirty minutes to come to him from the airport. The next ten minutes would be the longest of his too short life.
He wanted the brunet, needed him by his side, where he belonged.
Each minute waiting for Brian seemed to stretch itself into an eternity. A cruel irony Justin didn't appreciate. 'More time' had been his wish on every star for the past decade. But not this like, not alone.
Every second with Brian was a possibility. A dream. A promise.
Every second without Brian was wasted time.
His mind struggled to focus on the world around him, the nearly bare room he would likely never leave.
Eternities weren't as long as they used to be.
He looked now out of the tall, lone window in his room. Nothing but endless black filled the longing in his eyes. A blackness like he'd feared too many times awaited him on the other side of his heartbeat. The side where breath ended and 'who knew what' began.
From his position in the bed, the night sky differed not from the void he felt with Brian not yet beside him.
Not a star in sight.
As if their twinkle had gone, their own absence of heartbeat. Heated glimmers turned to hollow glass.
Perhaps they had left the sky entirely. He could almost believe it, that he'd used up every last star on hopeless hope…for more time.
Descending wishes. A nightfall of diamonds.
With a sigh as empty as the universe, Justin closed his eyes.
Once closed, his eyes inexplicably became too heavy to reopen. The simple reflex turned to impossible feat.
From some deep corner of his mind, something called to him, strange and frightening, yet alluring. His entire body felt weighted, an intense pressure pinning him down and then...it was gone.
He felt light, weightless even.
The mysterious pull guiding him toward something. Someplace.
A place where everything wouldn't be so hard. A place the pain would end. A place where he could open his eyes.
The peace he'd been chasing for years was there. He just needed to catch it. To touch, to embrace, to accept it.
His mother's voice called his name from some far away place, he didn't search for her.
Part of him begged for surrender, the stubborn part resisted.
Frustration welled within him. 'Brian'. Damn it, he just wanted to open his eyes, to see the brunet when he arrived.
As quickly as it'd dissolved moments before, the pressure returned. As if the relentless darkness acquired a weight of it's own, he felt trapped. Drowning in a sea of unfathomable depth.
A pounding in his head and chest brought forth a shiver of pain like he'd never before felt.
The nothing smothered him, trying to suffocate his mind's refusal to submit. His breath collapsed and slid down his throat.
All of his senses blurred into a constant roar; every aspect of awareness, a tangled mess. Everything seemed distant and unsubstantial.
Then...a sudden focus.
His askew senses sharpened. He could tease apart every strand of sound. A single flicker of time when the world snapped back in place.
His mind a barren. No thought for miles. No ray of light. Only the vicious dark. The nothing.
There was no way to gauge how long he'd existed in blackness. The number of minutes his eyes had been forced closed by the betrayal of his body. Though once blue eyes fluttered open, the light was a blinding, welcomed discomfort.
"Justin?" he heard a feint muffled voice he couldn't identify.
He tried to turn toward his name, only to discover he couldn't bear it. Everything ached. Some things worse than others.
His sight adjusted and Justin knew his visit to the darkness had lasted longer than mere minutes. His view of the sky confirmed it was daylight, well into the afternoon. He was in a hospital room.
Fragments of memories began to emerge, like snippets of stolen dreams.
"Justin." he heard his name again. This time from two voices overlapping one another. Neither one the only one he'd needed to hear, Brian's. Too sore to turn his head, Justin shifted just his eyes.
His mother and Dr. Grant starred at him.
The Doctor looked anxious and a touch apprehensive. He also looked to Justin, a little...apologetic. It was a strange analysis, but it was the only way to describe his expression.
Jennifer Taylor smiled widely but somehow it did not ease the unexplained anxiety Justin was feeling. His mother somehow managed to appear both elated and upset.
He didn't understand, but his mouth wouldn't open. The questions wouldn't come.
"What," Justin started to speak, but found his throat too parched to emit sound. Jen rushed to his side, gently she placed a chip of ice into his mouth from a nearby cup. The crisp coldness saturated his tongue, he swallowed and offered a hollow smile.
He struggled to get his weakened muscles to pull himself up. Instantly, his mother's hands were forcing him still. "Don't move sweetheart."
Justin's eyes rested on the hand that rested on his chest. He winced from the delicate yet brutal pain the light touch caused.
Visibly worried, Jen withdrew her hand in one swift jerk. "Sorry, did I hurt you?" she asked nervously.
Justin hadn't answered; he'd been transfixed on the dark, thick stitches sewn into his chest like a crude quilt. The redness surrounding the thread looked more painful than it felt.
He was compelled to look away, meeting Dr. Grant's eyes as he did so.
"What? When? I..." Justin's speech came out less frantic than his thoughts but just as jumbled.
"Something's happened," his mother began. "I don't know how to say this, Justin. Bittersweet news, but Something..." she sighed, "miraculous." she added, but hadn't sounded throughly convinced.
'Miraculous? They'd found a donor.' The moment he'd wished for had at last arrived, he needed to swim in it, drink it in. He needed to share it with Brian.
"Brian?" he said the man's name as an inquiry. One his mom hadn't appeared to hear.
"Justin, listen, it's your dad, he..." Justin watched his mother's eyes begin to glisten. She trudged through the storm. "He was in an accident." she looked at the Doctor, almost as if asking permission to continue.
"What do you mean? Mom, you're scaring me. What's going on?" Justin asked desperate.
"Yesterday we almost lost you. On his way here, to see you, your father had an accident." She didn't add the obvious, her expression had said it all.
"I'm sorry." Dr. Grant added softly. Justin thought he saw a deeper apology,more so in his eyes than in his words.
"But, you know what grandma says right? The Lord works in mysterious ways." his mother spoke again. "Honey, the man, whose Jeep he hit, was a perfect match." She added a smile to her tears. The accessories didn't match.
Justin felt numb. He remained stuck on only one word his mom had said.
Jeep.
Worry kindled, blazed into fear, then fizzled out with smoky wisps of disbelief.
Something flickered to life on the surface of his skin, a knowing.
There was a burning inside him. White hot, liquid, unyielding. It spread like wildfire, burning the pages of their story left untold.
He met the eyes of his cardiologist once more. "Brian." The soft spoken word fell from his lips and drifted to the floor like ash.
Residue left from Brian's life. A dusting of their memories. Their secret love.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Dr. Grant's eagerness to avoid his eyes confirmed this nightmare dreamed to life. The surgeon had met Brian on several occasions. Days his lover had sneaked away from work to accompany him to his appointments.
Justin almost smiled at the kindness of the memory. Then remembered it hurt too much to remember.
Brian had made true the declaration he'd made in the shower, what now seemed so long ago. 'I wish I could give you mine.'
Justin squeezed his eyes shut, hiding from the truth.
He didn't bother to wipe away the hot tears that stung beneath them, more would follow.
For a moment he quietly wallowed in the cruel beauty of this tainted 'miracle'.
With his eyes clenched closed, he could finally see.
He saw the world in that instant. All that ever had been, everything still yet to be, all that never would.
He felt that same world unravel from somewhere within. He trembled, almost uncontrollably; ignoring Jennifer's panic and questions. Sure, she'd assumed he was losing it over Craig's accident.
Which he was, but not for reasons she thought. But for reasons of his own, those he knew alone.
The grief for the hazel-eyed wonder his mother had never met, was his own. A solitary struggle.
The room swirled, dream-like and unsteady beneath him. He clasped his fingers as tightly as his weakness allowed into the sheets. Gripped by the absolute conviction that the earth was going to cave in. Plunge them head first into the hell his reality had just become.
His entire life, Justin had prayed for a heart that wasn't flawed. That wasn't fractured.
Wish granted.
Something else his grandmother had always said, 'Be careful what you wish for.'
He didn't want it. More than anything he wanted to return this heart to the beautiful chest in which it belonged. To hear it beat as he pressed against it after hours of lovemaking.
The new heart that lived within Justin, belonged to a man that could now only live in his memory...and it couldn't have been more broken.
Falling to pieces.
Justin felt himself begin to disappear, at least he'd wanted to. To dissolve, evaporate into the air. Humid heartache.
Brian's sunshine had begun to set, slipping behind clouds of doubt. He couldn't shine on a day without Brian. Without their love.
Day and night would merge together, reality and the unbelievable. Delivering a cold constant dark.
Darker still, than the previous starless midnight. A place where no sun had ever risen.
Void. Empty. A brutal blackness.
No more Brian.
No more Sunshine.
His heart, Brian's heart, thumped fiercely, a sudden jerk. A stumble in his chest.
Justin tripped over yet another one of their lost moments.
A gentle breeze danced through the trees, birds sang overhead. A symphony of spring.
They walked through the park, if you'd have asked Brian. 'A romantic stroll', if you'd have asked Justin.
Their hands had not been held.
No lacing fingers, no melting palms.
Though every few steps, they'd move closer, their fingers brushed ever so slightly. Sending soft shivers across the tops of their hands. Prickling flesh.
Secret stolen shivers they knew alone.
It somehow felt sexier this way. intimate.
With a sudden step forward, Justin lost his balance, his body jerked toward the ground. Brian's hands had instantly caught him.
Perhaps not so quickly, had their fingers been interlocked.
Restoring his equilibrium, Justin steadied. "Hold on to me." he'd said.
"Always." Brian sighed, too low for anyone to hear.
Justin was not anyone.
The blond recalled the memory as clear as rain. Brian's whispered promise.
He now only hoped for love after death. That Brian was somewhere, loving him still.
Always.
A time span that now had no meaning and possibly no end.
'How long was the forever after always?'
Justin was certainly uncertain.
He offered a prayer that when the man had inhaled for the final time...here. That he'd exhaled for the first...there. On the other side of a heartbeat. Justin's name on his breath.
Time often promised to heal all wounds. A cut this deep likely wouldn't heal soon. But he'd endure it. For him.
He hardened himself against his tears. Unable to bear further breaking Brian's heart.
Justin's remaining tears trickled to his lips.
Their taste had changed. From sorrow to clarity.
A ribbon of acceptance tightened around his heart. He relaxed, embracing the gift Brian had left him.
Justin's fingers, covered in charcoal, sketched the man living in his thoughts.
He'd lost count of the portraits he'd drawn of Brian over the last year.
Setting down the sketch and reaching into his pocket, he'd retrieved a small photograph. The only evidence of the love they knew alone.
The tiny picture both hurt and pleased him.
He'd found it buried among his father's belongings in the hospital. A sickening stirred every time he remembered it's discovery. His father must've stolen it from his room. Craig tainting he and Brian's relationship with his hate filled touch.
He'd never told his mother. He'd never told anyone.
It felt right to keep Brian Kinney's memory, safely tucked away in the man's heart, that beat for Justin.
A heart that had, by Justin's calculations, stopped beating only once. The same time his old one had.
'We almost lost you.' Jen's voice echoed in his mind. It seemed Justin had nearly died the exact moment Brian had. Neither able to live with but half a heart.
A heart made whole again. A heart they now shared.
The sun poured onto the photo, a spotlight on a memory.
Justin had still been confined by recovery, leaving him unable to go to Brian's funeral.
It seemed fitting, that he grieve in secret.
Which was what he did now, sitting on the bench nearest Brian's headstone; exactly one year from when forever had ended.
"Sunshine!" he heard the word.
It warmed him but not fully. The voice had not been Brian's.
He glanced up in search of the person who had spoken the nickname he knew alone.
A small child toddled toward him. He was pointing at it him or so it seemed. Or possibly to the sky above him.
Justin's breath caught in his throat, his heart stumbled again.
The boy reached him and smiled.
In the space between one heartbeat and the next, Justin knew.
Brian Kinney was still alive.
Justin stared into this newly discovered piece of him, while the rest of him beat in his chest.
"Gus!" a blond woman called out, walking up behind the boy. She too, smiled at Justin. 'Lindsay.'
Brian had told him about his son, though he'd never met him. Until now.
His heart thumped again. Justin smiled, and stood.
They'd talked for several moments, yet never about Brian. Justin had held fast to their secrets as tight as he could.
Somewhere amidst their discussion, Lindsay had offered Justin the option to rent the loft. Their loft, that Brian had bestowed to Gus.
"I think I know where that is." he'd replied with a grin when Lindsay had offered for him to take a look.
The foundation of a secret.
They'd written their own story inside that loft. It's walls made of paper, enfolding them, binding them.
Their words unread. A diary. The ink dried and ever lasting.
After just moments, Justin could easily see how Brian could love these two.
And for the next fifteen years, he'd loved them too.
Fifteen years.
A miracle by his Doctor's definition. A trade by his own.
Brian had traded beat for beat.
Justin made certain to fill every last one with a memory worth making.
He'd watched Gus grow into a man, like a son. Lindsay like a sister, Debbie a mom, Mikey a brother.
Fifteen years loving everyone Brian had loved; with the same heart that had loved them first.
Albeit, he'd still found a life of much happiness after losing Brian, Justin had never been exactly the same. His laugh never sounded the same as it once had. His smile never quite as bright.
He filled his days with thoughts of Brian.
Sometimes he'd remember things that hadn't happened. Longing dreams of what should've been. Wishes unmade.
On a particularly ordinary day, at no specific time, Justin knew he had lived just enough.
He no longer possessed the energy to make it to year sixteen.
Lots of things took too much effort. So much work for things so easily ended.
Dedication. Destruction.
A house of cards, Sandcastles...life.
"It's only time." Gus whispered into the day, repeating the last words Justin had spoken.
A man who, in all the ways that mattered, was a father to him.
He didn't remember his real father, but felt as if he'd known him all his life. His family introducing them through stories and photographs.
Which was precisely how he'd recognized the man now. In the cemetery.
Gus squinted in the sun that appeared a blazing light, fire in the sky.
He saw the tall brunet, standing a few feet away. Gus swept his eyes over the crowd gathered there that day, listening to the preacher say a prayer for Justin.
None of them glanced up.
He looked back towards his father, he was no longer by himself. Gus felt a tug at his insides and water in his eyes.
He watched as Justin, looking healthy, young, smiled brighter than Gus had ever seen. Brian swept the blond up in his arms, gripped his hair, and held him close.
Somehow Gus had known that Justin had once loved the brunet. That he always had.
Perhaps it was the way blue eyes changed whenever anyone spoke about Brian. Perhaps it was something else.
Although Justin had never let on that he'd even known Brian, Gus still knew.
A secret he knew alone.
He looked at the casket, cascading flowers on it's top. He looked again to the soul it didn't hold.
Brian and Justin didn't hold hands.
No lacing fingers. No melting palms.
Their hands brushed lightly, and Gus averted his gaze. That barely there touch seemed a private moment.
Their son smiled.
He knew they'd never be alone.