Me: Welcome to...
Fang: The Sequel to the popular parody, A Day in Therapy...
Me: A Day of House Calls!
Fang: Saint takes her merry band of nutcases on the road!
Me: We can't wait around for people to come to us anymore! By the time they admit they have a problem, it's too late! We must make them see their problems, then fix them by force!
Fang: 'Cause that doesn't sound unethical or illegal...
Me: Moving on!
A Day for Disclaimers!: Honestly, this story's in the 'Misc.' section for a reason. There's a lot I don't own. I could sit here and try to list it all, but the disclaimer would be longer than the story. So, I won't insult your intelligence and just let you use your common sense. You can figure out what I don't own and what I do, and if you're not sure, ask me. But, in any case, I don't claim to own what I don't own. It's that simple.
Fang: So...Are we moving into chapter one, or what?
Me: Did you remember to buckle Christian into his car seat?
Fang: Done.
Me: Has the oil been changed?
Pooky: All set!
Me: Brake lights tested?
Spiffy: All in working order!
Me: First aid kit packed?
Aragorn: It's in the glove box.
Me: Trailer hitched?
Quil: It's all good, it's alright!
Me: Parking tickets paid?
King Leonidas: Madness? THIS IS SPARTA! -smashes tickets-
Me: We're good to go!
Saint's POV
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...
You just can't get good help these days.
"Is it really that hard to hold those digimon off?" I yelled to my group.
"Don't you have some magical little balls to catch them in?" Fang yelled to me.
I facepalmed. "That's Pokemon, dumbshit. These are Digimon. You have to have balls to stop them, not use them. So I guess that leaves you out."
Fang rolled his eyes. "Very funny..."
"Get back to helping the others." I told him, shooing him away. I turned back to the digimon. "So, state your problem again, please." I asked the one in front of me, Patamon. "I'm sorry, I was distracted."
"Well, besides the fact that evil digimon keep attacking us randomly, new digimon keep cropping up!" He explained.
"And their not like normal digimon." Gatomon added, standing next to her friend. "They're...Strange..."
"Ahh..." I said. "I bet someone out there is creating brand new horrible excuses for digimon." I snapped my fingers together, knowing what my plan of action was next. "It seems that we'll just have to sort through all the digimon and get rid of the strange ones!"
I turned to my group, who I had charged with holding back the herds of digimon that had come, seeking therapy. The sad part about my on-the-road work was that I had to pick and choose my patients. I could only choose those that couldn't come to the Center for help. The others I could, at least, direct to the Center.
"Alright, everyone, alright!" I yelled above the roars, squawks, and screams of the crowd. "I have to help where I can. I am able to give you all my card and directions to the Therapy Center. It's only one Magical Portal of Doom away! Please, could you at least stop trying to eat my assistants for a minute!"
I sighed in relief as BlackWarGreymon finally put Aragorn down and Seadramon spit Fang back out. I called off Quil, who had started the Gekomon in a rounding chorus of 'This Land is Your Land' and got King Leonidas to stop trying to 'conquer' Gotsumon.
"You just had to drive right through a digital portal." Fang complained, trying to wipe digimon drool off of his jacket. "You held up that little device-thing and drove us into a computer full of man-eating data. I should have you put away."
"But that's my job, Fangles, not yours." I said, grinning. I loved owning that kid.
"My lady, I live to serve." Spiffy said, walking up to me. "But at times, I question your sanity."
"I don't bother questioning what's confirmed not to be there." Pooky muttered, walking up to my other side.
"The War of the Ring was less stressful than this job." Aragorn added.
"Conquer." King Leonidas said, sitting down with his sword.
"Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow!" Quil began to sing.
"Shut up, Quil!" The others yelled back to him.
The only non-dissenting voice was Christian, who was happily clapping his hands in his stroller nearby.
I placed my hands on my hips, staring at my therapy team. "I am appalled. I assembled you because you are all the best of the best!"
"I thought it was because we're not as easily emofied." Pooky pointed out.
"Giving you all strong willpower!" I responded. "Now, show me your strength, your courage. For crying out loud, stop whining and DO YOUR DAMN JOBS!"
My team grumbled and griped, but they got up and began following my orders to get the assembled digimon lined up for interviewing. I had them line up in four different lines, planning on having myself, Fang, Pooky, and Spiffy interview them each individually while Aragorn, King Leo, and Quil with Christian patrolled the lines and kept order.
I clapped my hands together, calling my group back to me and telling them the plan.
"Commence!" I announced, heading off to my place.
"I blame you and your damn DeLorean." I heard Spiffy mutter to Fang.
"Hey, you want me to shove this Elder Wand up your-"
"I SAID COMMENCE, DAMN IT!" I yelled, flipping around to face my dissenters.
They scattered like little ants.
I sighed, resuming my walk to my position.
If this kept up, I was going to have to give myself anger management.
Spiffy's POV
"So...State your name again?"
"MickeyMousemon!" The Disney-based creature announced to me in its strangely-pitched voice.
"And...You're a digimon?"
The cat bait nodded vigorously. "Oh, yes! I'm the happiest digimon of all! I like to wave my magic wand, drive my magic boat-"
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard enough. Here's your papers." Lady Saint had given us two types of papers that the digimon were to bring with them when they reached the therapy center. One paper, when scanned, signified that they were a legitimate digimon in need of therapy. The other signified them as a...Well, it signified they were going to need help 'transitioning' out of the digital world. What my lady meant by 'transitioning', I don't know. I don't want to know.
"Bye bye!" MickyMousemon said, waving his overlarge white hand at me as he left. I shuddered. Humans had created that strange creature?
Humans are sick individuals.
Pooky's POV
"You know, you look kind of familiar..." I said to the so-called 'digimon' in front of me.
"I get that a lot." He answered, shrugging.
"So...What are you powers again?" I asked.
"Epic Song Writing and Tax Evasion." He answered with a smile. "I can also make stressful situations peaceful."
"That's great, Uhhh..." I looked at the name on the paper. "JohnLennonmon. Here's your papers and I hope to see you at the center soon."
He nodded to me, fixing his glasses before striding off.
Why was he so familiar again? Was he a politician? A writer? An ice cream salesman?
Oh well...
Saint's POV
"And I can shoot magical beams of light from my forehead! And chew on things! And...Oh, but you know all this already!"
I stared. I'd been staring for the past five minutes. I was shocked, horrified. This was an embarrassment. Blasphemy. It couldn't be...
"Saint...Are you ok?" Asked Puppymon, tilting his head to the side.
I began madly filling out the paper in front of me. "Look, I'll make you a deal. You'll have a nice, comfy job, good food, and a place to stay for eternity. Just...Don't tell anyone who your creator is, ok?"
Puppymon smiled, chuckling. "Saint, no one's going to blame you for creating a Digi-Sue when you were nine years old."
"I have a reputation to uphold." I said flatly. "Please?"
Puppymon nodded, winking. "The secret is safe."
As the little Digi-Sue walked off, I facepalmed, still trying to erase the horror from my mind.
What the Hell was I thinking at nine years old?
Fang's POV
"Could, you, uhh... Say that again?" I asked the strange creature in front of me.
"My name's Buddle-bimp-hippo-condo-turk-o-soup-snape-fic-yun-gondra-mon." He said, smiling. Well, I think he was smiling. Heck, I'm not even sure if that strange blob was a he.
"Yeah... Here's your paper." I said, handing him a paper. I didn't need to ask any further questions. I didn't need to be disturbed any further.
I was about to call up the next digimon, when there was a yelling heard from somewhere near the back.
"Let us through, let us through!" Yelled a voice. "We need to see the therapist!"
"Yeah, you and everyone else." I muttered, standing to see if I could see who was causing the commotion.
A few minutes later, to strange little digimon, one a yellow bunny and the other a white...Dinosaur-thing in a pink skirt walked about. Behind them walked a blond-haired girl and two boys who looked ready to kill each other. One was wearing red and had goggles on his head and the other in blue with a blue bandana and a ponytail.
"We need some advice!" Yelled the little white dino-dude. Wait, that thing's a dude? Then...What about the skirt?
Saint got up and calmly made er way over, the black cloak flowing along behind. "Ah, Season Four visitors. What's the problem?"
"These two." The little dino said, pointing to the boys. "We had enough trouble with them fighting, anyway, but now they won't stop fighting over Zoe!" He said, pointing to the girl.
"I see." Saint said. "Obviously, there's some sort of pairing war going on in the fandom currently." She shook her head. "And this is what they get for only having one main female character! Ugh!"
She turned to the two boys. "Hello? Takuya? Kouji?" She waved a hand in front of their faces, breaking up their glare-off. "Hi, the name's Saint. I hear you need some help."
"It's all his fault!" They said in unison, pointing to each other.
Saint made a 'calm down' motion with her hands. "Alright, alright...Let's settle this. Now, according to current counts, there are more Kouji and Zoe fics than Takuya and Zoe, which would make Kouji the winner there, But, Takuya and Zoe have an obvious chemistry in the Digimon Universe. So..." She paused for a minute. "You know, Kouji, if you want to give the Italian chick up, I know where you could get a second date..."
Ok, can I stop time for a second?
Is Saint...Flirting with a potential client?
Yes, yes she is.
Ok, start time up again, I need to react.
At that point, I walked up next to Saint, giving her a slight nudge with my wing. "Solve their problem, missy."
"I'm trying to." She said, crossing her arms.
"Solve the problem professionally." I added, glaring down at her.
She glared back for a moment, then sighed, turning away. "I hate your tallness." She turned to the boys. "Ok...How about we try something revolutionary and ask the girl?" She turned again, this time to Zoe. "Which one do you like better?"
She bit her lip, nervous to say an answer. Finally, she squeaked something out that could only be lip read as 'Takuya'
"Alright, we have a decision!" Saint said, clapping her hands. "Now, Kouji-"
She had started to turn back to them, but the boys were already rolling around on the ground, punching each other before she'd made it the whole ninety degrees. We both stared at them, not able to think of a word to say for a while.
"How...Mature..." Saint said sarcastically.
I nodded in agreement. "We should get back to the digimon."
It took the entire freaking day to sort through all those digimon. There were freaking thousands! somehow, though, we managed and were finally through just in time to break for dinner.
As for the two boys, well, they finally beat themselves unconcious. We stepped over them on our way to the van.
"Well, that was...Eye-opening." Saint commented.
"Yeah, you had to keep your eyes wide open to take in all those creatures." Spiffy said.
"No, no, I mean the volume of effect the Magic of Fanfiction is having! I obviously need to have more of these house call type teams. Maybe, once you're all trained-"
"We can train other people to come out here?" Pooky asked.
"I was more thinking you'd all come out yourselves." Saint said.
"I'm not coming out. Never." Aragorn said.
"Legolas will be depressed to hear that." Saint said to him, grinning.
"Why?" Aragorn asked, sounding puzzled.
The rest of us jumped into the van, suppressing laughter.
That was probably the best thing I'd heard all day...
Me: And there you have it! Chapter 1!
Fang: Do you have an explanation for Puppymon?
Me: ...Momentary lapse of judgement and imaginative skill.
Fang: What does Puppymon digivolve to, do I dare ask?
Me: ...Dogmon.
Fang: -facepalm-
R&R?