A very expensive movie

by Lazaruss

Here is a little comedy I've dragged along for quite some time now. I hope you're not TOO fond of Stiven Spilberg...

A very expensive movie ; by Lazaruss

Kain forms him self from his bat form in the depths of the Avernus cathedral. He takes the reaver from his back, and starts pacing the great hall. Suddenly a flash occurs, and Raziel appears before him.

Raziel :" Kain ! Why is this no surprise ?"

Kain :" Finally you've got the line right. This fifth time would be too … "

Stiven Spilberg :" Cut ! "; he climbs down his high chair, and comes to them annoyed :" Would you be so kind as to restrain from personal comments on his act ?"

Kain :" I was just thinking, that if I'd have to walk down that hall one more time … "

Stiven Spilberg :" All right ! We'll cut it out of this one and add it on this part. Happy !"

Raziel :" It's a bad line. I mean, why would it be a surprise when we've bean through this same meeting five blasted times already ?"

Stiven Spilberg :" Look; let's just get it right this time.… Lights, camera, action !"

Raziel :" Kain ! Why is this no surprise ?"

Kain :" Because our destinies run together Raziel, …. I'd sure like to meet the idiot who wrote this garbage … "

Stiven Spilberg :" CUT !"; he again climbs down of his high chair and comes to them :" Kain, could you do me one simple favor, and say it as it was written in the script ?"

Kain :" Well, it IS garbage. I would have said something more cool. Even Raziel has better lines than me. "

Raziel :" I can't say that it is… "

Stiven Spilberg :" LETS just QUIT complaining, and get this one scene over with ! Lights … Camera … Action !"

Raziel :" Kain ! Why is this no surprise ?"

Kain :" Because our destinies run together Raziel, like two rivers that have met, and can never be distinct again.… At your every fatal turn, you will find me. "

Raziel : ( stands silent )

Stiven Spilberg :" CUT !"; he again climbs down of his high chair and comes to them :" You do know what your next line is, don't you ?"

Raziel :" Well.… No.… Not really … "

Stiven Spilberg :" You mean to tell me that all you know is the entering line ?"

Raziel :" I couldn't read it because it was in Chinese ! It took me all night just to figure out the first line !"

Stiven Spilberg :" How the hell did you get a script in Chinese ! We didn't make any copy of it in Chinese !"

Raziel :" Take a look if you don't believe me. "

Kain and Stiven are looking at Raziel's script

Kain :" It looks like Japanese to me. "

Stiven Spilberg :" Well it's not ! It's just a little smugged … "

Raziel :" A little smugged ! It looks like they've used clipped toe-nails, instead of a normal pen !"

Stiven Spilberg :" OK ! Here take this one !"

Raziel :" But this is …"

Stiven Spilberg :" Just reed the bloody thing ! Lights …… camera …… action !"

Raziel :" … his strong gentle hands were smoothly running over her warm wet … "

Stiven Spilberg :" CUT ! CUT ! CUT ! "; he again climbs down of his high chair and comes to them :" Not that script ! What idiot gave you that … "

Raziel and Kain are looking at him

Stiven Spilberg :" It … is … for another film I'm working on … Stop looking at me like that ! Does anyone have an extra copy of the script !"

The crew :" Do they have a copy machine in Nosgoth ?"

Stiven Spilberg :" Get one now ! Here, give me yours ! "; he takes a camera-man's copy and gives it to Raziel :" lights …… camera …… action ……"

Raziel :" Kain ! Why is this no surprise ?"

Kain :" Because our destinies run together Raziel, like two rivers that have met, and can never be distinct again … At your every fatal turn, you will find me. "

Raziel :" It was your machination that set my destiny in motion. The coin you've tossed has struck the earth. Now you must obide by its outcome… "

Kain :" The coin still flies … it hasn't struck yet ! You have to listen to me, or we're all in deep shi …"

Stiven Spilberg :" CUT !"; again the chair :" Is there, by any chance, some problem with your script Kain !"

Kain :" Now that you've mentioned it … I've … sort of … misplaced it … "

Stiven Spilberg :"… and you don't know the rest of your lines ether … "

Kain :" Well, I had no time … to learn it … because … errr … I was taking a bath. "

Raziel :" Yeah. While I was winning a beauty contest. "

Kain :" Why I'd ought to …"

Stiven Spilberg :" Why is this happening to me ? Of all the directors in the world, why did it have to pick me ? I've never done anything wrong !"

Kain :" … Not including the E.T... "

Raziel :" And The close encounter… "

Stiven Spilberg :" Look ; when this thing sells I'll be … I mean, we'll be much richer. So PLEASE LETS GET THIS DAMN SCENE SHOT ! ... Caameeraa … Soomeethiing … Aactiioon … "

Raziel :" Kain ? Why is this no … "

Kains beeper :" beep, beep, beep …"

Kain :" MMS time !"

Stiven Spilberg :" I don't believe it … "

A bunch of sheep is thrown in, and Kain and Raziel start slaughtering them with their reavers. ( It is a very popular game in Nosgoth, MMS or the Massive Massacre of Sheep, and it is a great honor to participate. ) Stiven again, climbs down, and comes to them.

Raziel :" This was a good one Kain. You caught me a bit unprepared … "

Stiven is looking at them with his left eye swiftly twitching.

Kain :" Oh, yeah …. The film … "

Stiven Spilberg :" … can you two think of any …. Any at all, other reason why else can't we shoot this …. Scene …?"

Raziel :" No.… Though the script IS garbage. "

Kain :" I told you. "

Stiven Spilberg :" So …. if it's all right with you, we could, you know…. move on .… back again ?"

Raziel :" Ok. We've done all our things. "

Kain :" Yeah. Let's do it this time. "

Stiven Spilberg :" … Lights … Camera … "; he climbs back in his chair, and tosses a sharp gaze on them both. They stand still, waiting for him, with an expression of innocence :" … Action ! "

Raziel :" Kain ! Why is this no surprise ?"

Kain :" Because our destinies run together Raziel, like two rivers that have met and can never be extinct again. At your every fatal turn you will find me. "

Raziel :" And the free will, you said was mine ? What has become of that ?"

Stiven Spilberg ( to him self ) :" Yes …. Yes …. "

Stan :" Hey dude ! You're the director. Could you please direct us to the shithouse !"

Cartman :" Oh boy, I really got to go … "

Kenny :" Mrhum hum mruhum hum hum. "

Stiven Spilberg :" CUUUUTTT ! "

He jumps down, and rips Kennys head of.

Kyle :" Oh my God ! He killed Kenny !"

Stan :" You bastard !"

Cartman :" Screw Kenny ! Where's the shithouse !"

Kain :" Out the back, and stay on the right. "

Stan :" Thanks man … Hey Cartman, I don't think we're in South Park any more … "; they leave

Raziel :" Now, those are good children. "

Kain looks at Kenny who is bleeding decapitated on the dirty floor.

Kain :" It's a shame.… Good blood, gone bad. "

Stiven Spilberg :" CAN'T YOU IDIOTS DO ANYTHING RIGHT !"

Kain :" Now wait just a minute … "

Stiven Spilberg :" … ONE SCENE ! JUST ONE DAMN SCENE !"

Raziel :" Maybe we should take a brake … "

Stiven Spilberg :" What !"

Raziel :" You've bean working too hard.… We've tried twelve times already.… I don't think thirteen will be our lucky number …"

Stiven Spilberg :" THAT'S EXACTLY THE POINT ; YOU DON'T THINK ! I'M SURROUNDED BY DIMWITS !"

Kain :" I have had enough of you. "

Raziel :" Let's do this together Kain !"

Kain :" I'm with you Raziel !"

Stiven Spilberg :" Wait.… what are you doing ? Raaaaaah !"

Trough the closed door of the cathedral, Stan, Kyle and Cartman hear screams of people.

Kyle :" I wonder what they're doing in there ?"

Cartman ( putting his pants back on ) :" Who cares. Want to go and watch some Stiven Spilberg movies ? "

Stan :" Hell yeah. "

Back inside, Kain places the reaver on his back, and Raziel wraps his scarf back on.

Raziel :" He really was a jerk. "

Kain :" You can say that again. He didn't even let me say "deep shit ". "

They leave an empty cathedral.

This fan fiction has bean brought to you by Moebious INC, the provider of the most popular family entertainment in Nosgoth - time-streaming. Everyone does it, so get used to it !