Disclaimer: Covert Affairs isn't mine. If it were Auggie would have a lot of sex with Joan and Annie would be on so many ops with Eyal...

Moving on.

Sometimes I like to think back to the moment we met. Her blond hair reflecting the sun, her eyes looking more beautiful than any other pair of eyes I had ever seen. I instantly developed a crush on her and somehow that crush never really went away.

We were sent on a mission together, spying on some mercenaries in Rome, when I had only been working for the agency for about a month. She taught me how to be a good field agent, how to go unnoticed by the people working against us and I protected her if needed.

The mission took two weeks. We were told to collect evidence against one of the mercenaries and in the end we brought down all of them, all six mercenaries, the whole group. They were planning an attack on American soil and we stopped them.

To celebrate our success we were given four days off and celebrate we did. It happens almost constantly that two agents start a romantic relationship on a mission and it wasn't new to the CIA that their agents succumbed to their most basic desires, but it was somewhat new to the two of us. We weren't prepared to end up in bed together, or develop any kind of romantic feelings towards each other. It happened anyway. Our relationship, if you can even call it that, lasted four days. Rome.

On the morning of our flight back home we decided to end our relationship the moment the plane touched down in New York. She had a promotion waiting for her at home and I was supposed to go on a top secret operation in a week. There was no time for a relationship. We both knew that. We both accepted it. We did not complain about it. Or maybe a little – on the flight home, while we were having sex in the bathroom on the plane.

The moment we got out of the plane our relationship was over. We decided to watch the sunset together before taking two separate cabs home. That is how I remember her, standing in the airport, looking out the window, holding my hand. The sunset making here even more beautiful than she already was. I remember her smile and how she came close to crying when we kissed for the last time.

CACACACACACA

Almost 4 years later we saw each other again. Well, we met again. I had been blinded a few year back, but I recognized her almost instantly. Her perfume had stayed the same and her walk was still the same, determined and strong. She had been appointed as head of the DPD only a few months prior and I had just walked into my new office as the head of Tech Ops. She had requested me. I wasn't able to refuse.

I was glad to be close to her again, even if it was just for work. I knew she was married now. Her and Arthur's wedding was the most talked about event throughout the CIA, at least it felt like that. I had gotten used to the jealousy that overcame me every time someone mentioned them, but being in the same room as her again wasn't helping, meeting Arthur wasn't helping.

CACACACACACA

Eventually I got over it. Somehow.

I like Arthur, I really do, but sometimes I just hate him – when I think about all the moments he has with her and how I could have had that, but mostly when he hurts her feelings, when he goes behind her back, when he chooses his job over her.

There are moments when I don't even remember why we broke up, when I wish we had tried to make it work, but those moments are not good for me. 'What if's' hurt. At those times I miss her a little more and hate Arthur a little more and hate myself a little, for letting her go.

CACACACACACA

When Annie started working here she was a welcome distraction. I could finally concentrate on someone who is not Joan. I finally had the chance to maybe move on somehow and Annie was the key.

TBC?