She lied next to him, in his bed. It was against the rules for girls to visit the boy's dormitory at night at Hogwarts, but the rule was broken often. Especially in the case of James Potter. She sighed, her eyes closed as she breathed in and out, her breaths soft and slow.
"Lily?" he said quietly, reaching out to delicately stroke her hair. She opened her emerald-green eyes slowly, a smile forming on her lips.
"It's almost sunrise. You should go." His voice was full of regret, but he knew that if anyone saw her leaving the dormitory, talk would spread. Detention was the last thing he wanted at this point.
She nodded, giving him a soft kiss on the lips before getting up and dressing. As she stood there, (now wearing robes again) looking out of the window, watching the sun come out, she said softly; "What would you say if I told you I loved you?" Her voice was soft, barely audible.
He blinked in confusion. "I'd tell you I love you also," he said automatically, not really sure where the question was coming from.
She smiled, almost sadly. "Would you mean it, though?"
"Of course!"
Lily shook her head, sitting down on the edge of the bed, staring into his eyes. He stared back, entranced. "What does love really mean to you, though? Sleeping with someone more than once?" Her voice was almost bitter, but the gentleness that was always there still was.
"What kind of a question is that?" James asked, sitting up and breaking their gaze. "You think I don't love you?"
"I think you love me for the wrong reason." Without another word, she reached out to give him another kiss, leaving with a swish of robes.
He sat there for a moment, bewildered and frozen from their kiss. What had she meant? Does she think I'm using her? It wouldn't surprise him if she did; after all, he had slept with multiple girls before her. But she means so much more to me than all of them put together. Feeling slightly comforted by this thought, he sunk back into his pillows, falling asleep. He would ask her about it again tomorrow.
They sat together, (the following day) on a bench out on the grounds. It was snowing heavily, and the floor had a white blanket wrapping around the grounds. Lily wore a scarf and a hat, her cheeks flushed pink from the cold. He was content to just watch her as she read her book. The question she had asked the following night still lingered in the back of his mind, haunting him. He remembered asking his friend Remus about it.
"If you don't stop checking out other girls when they walk by when she's there... if you don't stop commenting on how 'hot' they look whenever she's around, you're going to lose her, mate." James remembered the words Remus had said too clearly. What if he was already losing her? "I already notice how hurt she looks whenever something like that happens." His tone was slightly accusing, but James knew he had his best intentions in mind. It had taken him six bloody years for her to finally say yes to him. He wasn't about to throw it away.
"Lily?" He watched her look up, those emerald green eyes questioning as she smiled slightly, waiting for him to go on.
He moved closer to her, closing the space between them so that their legs barely brushed each other. "About last night..." His voice trailed off, and he hesitated. A few hours ago, he knew exactly what he would say to her, but now... now he couldn't put his thoughts into words.
"Don't worry about it," Lily said quickly, reaching up to ruffle his hair fondly. Her smile was so good; she as a person was amazing, and he felt lucky to be her boyfriend. Just to be next to her made him feel glowing.
He was glad that she said that; perhaps she had been tired the night before. Smiling, he changed the subject.
Perhaps he saw it wrong, but a hurt look flashed through Lily's eyes as he steered the conversation onto a more common subject. It was gone as fast as it had come, however. As he blinked, her same smile was on her face, and she spoke along with him, as if nothing had happened.
XxXxX
He smiled, eyes brightening as she danced around in the rain, fiery red hair plastered to her head as she enjoyed the cool rain against her skin. "Hey, come back here," he called, taking her hand and twirling her around.
She laughed, collapsing into his arms in a fit of giggles as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "You mean the world to me, James." It came unexpectedly, making him feel awkward. He loved her, yes, but romance talk always froze him into silence.
He kissed the top of her head. "Yeah, you too," he said lamely, not ever being very good at stringing words together in front of her. "Er... you want to go inside? I'm getting cold."
She pulled away, her happy smile now gone, a solemn expression on her face. "S-sure," she said quietly, her eyes narrowing as the rain strengthened, making the droplets feel like sharp knives hitting the bare skin on her arm. Her teeth began to chatter, and guilt flashed through him. She always did this when about to cry.
"You all right?" he asked, not knowing how to comfort her.
"Just cold," she said instantly, turning away. "I'll see you later, James."
He watched as she walked back towards the castle, which by now was only a looming form in the fog. She disappeared into the mist, and he closed his eyes tightly.
He was losing her.
XxXxX
She sat silently in the coldest corner of the library, still wearing the clothes she had worn in the rainstorm. By now they were merely damp. Her hands were covering her face, and he felt the sudden urge to pull them away.
Something so beautiful shouldn't be covered, he thought, kneeling down beside her to pull her hands away from her face. The thin line of eye-liner that she wore was smudged, and her green eyes were pink-ish from crying.
"Oh... hello, R-remus," she stammered, instantly trying to wipe the tears away. "You caught me in a bad moment... I'm just feeling homesick." She said the lie easily, smiling sadly as she realized that James would have instantly believed it.
A sad smile formed on his lips. "You're not fooling anyone but yourself, Lily," he said gently, sitting down beside her. He took care to keep a distance between them, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. She was James' girlfriend, after all.
She sighed, looking straight ahead, a distant expression on her face. "Do you remember how I told you two years ago that I was in love with him?" she whispered suddenly, her voice soft and heartbroken.
He smiled slightly. "How could I forget?" he answered, his tone slightly dejected. "I remember how much you laughed when I got the answer out of you."
She smiled also, though the normal glow in her eyes had died down. "I regret it." Without another word she began to cry, her tears streaming down her face as she hugged her knees to her chest.
Remus knew how to comfort her; had done it many times throughout the years. "Sh... Lily, what happened?" he asked quietly, hugging her close to him. She didn't oppose to this, so he slowly rubbed her arm, attempting to calm her.
"He... the feeling was never mutual," she whispered, mortified as she shut her eyes tightly.
He withheld a sigh, knowing that her words were half true. His friend had always idolized Lily from year one, being said that she was the only girl that he couldn't have. James liked her, yes, but not necessarily more than the other girls he had been with. Perhaps more. "You know that's not true," he murmured, then stopped. It killed him to lie to her like that.
"Please, Remus... He never cared about me. Never once did he tell me he loved me." Her voice was cut off, and every once in a while she would hiccup, feeling ashamed as she cried onto his shoulder.
"Who says he doesn't love you, though?"
"He's only using me."
He closed his eyes as she said this. His friend had always been easy with girls, but this was a new low. (Assuming it was true.) "Then why are you still with him?" he said slowly, taking her hand in his as he stroked her finger. It seemed to calm her down; she stopped sniffling, at least.
"Because I love him," she replied brokenly.
Her words made him feel as if his heart plummeted to the ground. "Perhaps too much," he whispered.
XxXxX
Her steps were slow and soft as they echoed through the marble-floor halls. She approached him, unable to meet his gaze. "James."
"What is it that you wanted to tell me, Lily?" His voice was passive; something else was on his mind.
It made her heart ache. She watched as he looked a girl up and down as she walked by. "I... I want to be just friends."
He stopped dead, his attention captured as she said this. "You're breaking up with me?" he whispered, eyes wide. How could it be so? No one had ever dumped him.
"I think it would be best," Lily replied, forcing a smile. "We both know that this is a waste of both of our time." She turned to go, refusing to cry in front of him. Remus had told her that he would take advantage of that.
Remus was the reason she had mustered up the courage to tell him. He had told her, and with best intentions, that she should try to get over him. Seeing through his best friend, he saw that Lily was never important enough.
"Wait-" James began, reaching out to touch her shoulder. Before his hand could make contact with her, she was running down the hall, unable to face him. As she turned the corner, he was almost positive he heard a muffled sob.
Fine, be that way, he thought angrily, feeling sad. His ego had been bruised, and worst of all, he felt awful. He believed that he had loved Lily. But she obviously didn't love me enough, he thought, hating the sad feeling that was creeping up his back.
XxXxX
She ran straight into his arms, hugging him and kissing his cheek. "Thank you, Remus," she whispered, feeling more relieved than she had in days. Perhaps now, she would be able to move on in life.
His heart soared as she kissed him, and he smiled, idly fingering the fiery red hair he loved so much. "For what?" he murmured, his voice soft.
"For helping me overcome my feelings." Her voice lingered in his ear as she pulled away, green eyes mesmerizing his.
It had happened so fast? "You're over him?" he asked, surprised.
"Not quite, but I think this is a beautiful new beginning." Smiling at the shock in his expression, she turned and climbed the steps to the castle. The light that had been put out for so long was finally back as she turned and waved at him before disappearing.
XxXxX
"There has to be someone else," James said angrily, banging the table with his fist as he watched Lily walk out of the Great Hall, her orange hair down as it flourished with every step. Remus smiled as he watched her walk off; he remembered their conversation from last night.
"You should wear your hair down more often," Remus had said, as she released it from its normal pig-tail form to redo it.
She tipped her head to one side, smiling. "You think so?"
He nodded solemnly. "You look beautiful," he replied honestly, loving the surprised smile that spread across her lips. She hugged him, and he felt goosebumps spread down his arms at their closeness.
"Yeah," Peter agreed automatically. "Whoever it is should get beaten up." His rat-like face smiled greedily as he looked between James and Sirius.
James shook his head. "No. Let her be with whoever she likes." As much as he hated being dumped, he still had feelings for her; wanted to see her happy. "But I'd like to see the slimy git for myself; I bet he can't even compare to me."
Remus suddenly became quite interested in his dinner.
XxXxX
"Do you think I'll ever find someone, Remus?" she asked quietly, leaning her head against his shoulder and letting out a sigh. She would ask him these questions all the time, not caring if he would have a relevant answer. He was the person she most enjoyed talking to, and it made him smile.
"You mean someone who will love you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
She nodded, pulling away from him. "Do you think so?" Her voice was nervous, as if afraid to hear his answer.
I think you've already found him, he thought to himself, half wishing he could tell her. "Of course you will."
She sighed again, her head back on his shoulder. "We won't stop seeing each other after Hogwarts, will we?" She never wanted to stop seeing him; he was her best friend now.
"Nothing would keep me away."
XxXxX
A loud owl hoot sounded from the window. James looked up to see a snowy-white bird trying to get in. His heart almost stopped as he recognized it as Lily's snowy owl. Glancing over at his friends to make sure they were still asleep, he let it in, taking the note from him. Expecting to see a letter confessing her undying love to him, he read it.
He narrowed his eyes.
It read; Remus- meet me on the grounds as soon as you get this. I have something important to tell you.
Why on earth would she have to tell him something? Feeling jealousy bubble inside of him, he forced himself not to murder the owl as he let it fly away. He folded the note up again as it had been before, and jerked his friend away. "Oi, Remus."
Remus opened his eyes sleepily, yawning as he looked over at the window to see if it was light out. It was well past ten. "Wh- wh- what?" he said between another yawn.
"This just came for you," he informed him, shoving the letter into his lap as he went into the bathroom to change. No way was she going to tell Remus without him hearing.
XxXxX
With his invisibility cloak on, James followed Remus as he made his way towards the grounds. It was easy; Remus never suspected anything.
As they approached Lily, she turned around and smiled at the sight of him.
"Hello, Remus," she said, her eyes brighter than he had ever seen them before. Her cheeks flushed pink for some reason.
Remus smiled also, raising an eyebrow. "What was so important that you had to interrupt my sleep?" His tone was mock accusing as he lightly took her hand, a friendly gesture.
James' blood boiled, but he forced himself to stay still, watching with amazement.
"You know how I asked you if I would ever find someone?" she whispered, lacing her fingers in between his.
He didn't look uncomfortable, which made James feel more suspicious; around girls, Remus would always seem self-conscious. Now he seemed more at ease than ever.
"Yes," he replied. "What about it?"
She leaned forward, and said quietly, "I think I've found him." Smiling brightly, yet slightly embarrassed, she hesitated before putting her hand behind his head, closing her eyes.
He closed the space between them, kissing her gently. As he pulled back, James saw how happy he looked. Their smiles made him narrow his eyes. Her eyes had never been so bright when with him. Surprisingly, he didn't feel jealous as he watched them embrace.
"I love you," Lily murmured, closing her eyes as she tightly held onto Remus.
As James turned away, unable to watch the scene anymore, he realized that she meant it. Meant every word of it.
He had lost her.
XxXxX
I apologize for disappearing after finishing my fic 'He Had Gray Eyes'... I know I promised to write another major fic, but I've been quite busy with school and what-not. This idea just came to me of writing a Lily/James fic, and I began to write to see what happened. Not my best writing, but short and sweet.
Reviews are very welcome!
-Cloudsong