It's been one of those days for me. Truthfully it's been two days, though yesterday was the worst of it. Today I was trying my hardest to move forward again and went to the school to grade papers and complete lesson plans, which is my usual Sunday task. I was eating the lunch I brought when I decided I wanted to write and transfer my mood onto a character. Kyouko was the lucky one. Oh yeah. There's also a reference to my other fic Return.
She gazed toward the cloudy sky, resting her back against the rough stone. A gentle breeze blew up here, far above the streets. If she concentrated, she could ignore the sounds of the city below. It had been one of those days, the kind when the pain of the past crept back to haunt her mind. She had become lost in the memories and taken off without a word. She needed no unnecessary questions asked. She didn't' want her mind probed. She didn't want to share her pain with someone else. It seemed crazy to think she'd magically feel better if she bared her soul to another.
Dad used to say that it would make me feel better if I'd talk about my troubles. Look where that got me.
Hmph. That was a stupid phrase in itself these days. Anyone might have her soul if only they knew that it rested upon her finger, hidden inside the gem of a ring. Her soul was wide open to the world, but they could not read the scars etched upon it. Nor would they find the small gems of pleasant times, better times. She had long ago learned that to wish for things to be otherwise was foolish. She had been the fool, and she'd played it well.
In the distance, a train whistle blew. The low mournful sound carried across the wind and she looked in the direction it had come from. So easy. It would be so easy to leave again. The thought often crossed her mind when she felt this way. She could start over again and travel as she pleased, alone. She'd scrape together money as she needed, or not at all. Money wasn't always necessary for what she needed. She would blend in with the crowds with ease. No one would ask questions of a woman who disappeared with the setting sun. They need not know her name or history, just that she had to get out. Troubled souls would understand.
I can find my own way again. Wander around. There's plenty of demons out there, and not enough magical girls to destroy them.
She had the same plan as she had back then. It had never changed. It was a fallback, a comfort to her to know that at any time, the train could take her away from here. She wouldn't have to deal with the pain of this city or worry that someone would care about her, miss her if she were gone. No one cared for a random stranger in a strange city. No one to hurt or trouble. It would be hell, but it could be paradise.
No, she wouldn't do that this time. No matter how her feet ached to move away, she would not. She had ties to this city, ones that had pleasant memories. It was getting to the point that the pleasant memories were soothing some of the less favorable ones. Part of her wondered how long that would last. Would she always find some pleasant memory to push away the nightmares? Would there always be something pleasant to add to her past as the years went on?
Someone in the city loved her, cared for her more than anything. At first, that kind of emotion had been unfamiliar to her. She hadn't wanted to care for this person, let alone return their affections. Love would only get her killed in the end. In fact, it had nearly gotten the both of them killed quite a few times. There had been a battle in particular where the other had had to watch her lay dying on the ground, unable to assist her in any fashion. A rogue had used their love to her advantage, vowing to take her out and her love just happened to get caught up in it. In their line of work, one never knew if she would live to see the dawn of the next day.
Even though there had been near death experiences, there had also been pleasant times. She had learned that she had a place she could call home again. She had plenty of food in her belly, and a warm bed to rest on. Hands would creep around her waist at night and hold her close, warmth and safety lulling her to sleep. Someone was always there when she arrived home, or would be soon. Whenever she looked into those eyes, she knew the heartbreak that rested there. There were scars etched upon that soul too.
Mami…why do I love you like this? I'm not good enough for you. Not good enough for anyone. I don't deserve you.
And she knew Mami was hiding the pain. She kept it inside until it became too much. The darkness was her demon and nightmares plagued her sleep at times. Mami would wake and try her best not to disturb her, crying quietly. But I wake up anyway. She held Mami and comforted her until she would fall back to sleep, not letting go.
Her stomach rumbled and she once again looked toward the train station. Perhaps another time. The train would always be there if she needed an escape. It would always be there when she hashed out her runaway plan, which was fun to think about, but not one she truly wanted to follow through on. The one she cared for, loved, would not always be there. She wasn't sure hwo she knew this, but she felt it deep inside. She wasn't willing to test that theory out. Rising to her feet, she stretched sore muscles and turned in the opposite direction, heading down the fire escape and toward home. She'd been gone long enough.
She tried to close the apartment door softly behind her so that she didn't draw attention to herself. As quickly and as quietly as she could, she slipped off her boots and placed them by the door. The apartment smelled delicious, but she wasn't ready to eat just yet, no matter how much her stomach insisted otherwise. She need a minute to gather her thoughts. Carefully she walked, trying to get past the kitchen without being noticed. She tried to resist the urge to look in and see what was for dinner.
She failed.
Mami stared back at her, holding a large glass bowl in her hands. All it took was one glimpse into those eyes and she knew that Mami thought she had left again. Relief washed over Mami's face, but she didn't say a word. Instead, she continued preparing the meal and began humming to herself. Down the hall she continued, her mind feeling a bit lighter than it had before.
You thought I was gone…I'm sorry… I couldn't tell you.
Cold drops of water splashed against her face. She felt better. She had just needed time to slip back into the past and relive those moments, no matter the pain it caused her. She rubbed the soft towel against her face, looking into the mirror. Older, maybe smarter. The same in some ways, but different in others. Tossing the towel onto the edge of the sink, she turned and didn't look back. Only a true fool let the past reign over her completely.